by C. L. Stacey
“What part?”
“‘The things you both lost along the way,’” I quote her. “I also noticed that your father was the one to walk Harper down the aisle. What happened to her parents?”
Lexi runs her tongue across her bottom lip and stares out the window again, letting out a shaky breath before returning her gaze to mine. “Harper’s father left soon after she was born. But her mother, she was the sweetest woman…” She pauses to shake her head. “She’d always have me over, so that Harper wouldn’t be alone. Harper is the only child, like me, so we used to really depend on each other’s company. We’d play, have slumber parties, movie nights… her mother was always so kind to me.”
“What happened to her?”
“My parents and I were out of town one weekend, so we couldn’t look after Harper like we usually do when her mother had to work. Sharon, Harper’s mother, owned this little convenient store, and on days she took Harper with her, she’d have her hang out in the office where she kept a TV and computer to keep her busy…” Lexi sniffles and reaches a hand up to dry the tears that spill over. “These men came in while Sharon was closing up, drunk and belligerent, demanding that she give them all the money in the register. Harper saw everything through the window. She watched her mother give them everything. She caught the panic in her mother’s eyes, fearful for her daughter if these men were to find out that she was hiding out in the office. But the glass was covered with one-way film, so they had no idea they’d left a witness behind when they shot her anyway.”
The heartbreaking story gives me clear understanding of what Lexi had meant by life knocking Harper down. While I still do fear Harper a healthy amount, I’ve grown to really appreciate her, not only as a friend to Lexi but also to me.
“Did they catch them?” I ask.
Lexi nods. “My parents accompanied Harper to the station where the officers had her pick both of them out of a line-up. Turned out they were wanted for several other robberies. We were in eighth grade at the time,” her own words cause her to shake her head in disbelief, “she was just a young girl, who’d gotten her first glimpse of how ugly the world can be.” Lexi clears her throat again. “The only other family Harper had at the time lived in Texas, and she barely knew them at all. My parents volunteered to take Harper in as one of their own so that we could stay together. They supported her up until she graduated from college, and then she landed that killer job with her current employers.”
“So I was right, then. Your parents are wonderful people.”
She turns to smile at me. My first real one today. “They’re the best. My mother can be a little overbearing at times,” she laughs, “but she’s great.”
The car comes to a stop by Lexi’s building, and we unbuckle ourselves from our seats. I get out through my side, and Daniel holds the door open for her as I make my way around.
I take Lexi’s hand in mine before quietly delivering my order to Daniel. “I’ll call you.” He nods, and I lead us through the lobby.
We make our way in silence, all the way to her front door where she extends an invitation for me to come inside.
I, of course, accept.
Lexi halts in her tracks when she notices the Calla Lilies on the small table in the foyer, the ones I had Walter personally deliver so they’d be waiting here for her when she got home tonight.
She turns to face me, nodding toward the arrangement on the table. “Lilies?”
I pick up my hand and trace a check mark in the air.
“How’d you know to get Callas? They’re my favorite.” She stares at them with a smile.
My smile drops from my face when I begin to panic. “Lucky guess.”
“Thank you. They’re beautiful.” She carries the vase into the living room and sets them in the center of the coffee table. Then she turns to me with a guilty expression. “I’m sorry. About the way I behaved the other night, I mean.”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
Lexi lets out a small laugh under her breath, her eyes falling to the flowers again. “No, you wouldn’t understand.”
“I wouldn’t?”
“I yelled, a lot, but I said nothing that really made a whole lot of sense.”
“I wasn’t exactly perfect, either. I could have handled the Caleb thing a little better, I suppose.”
My response brings slight tension to her forehead, and she regards me with a look; it’s a cross between confusion and frustration. “That is where you lose me completely.”
“Lose you how?”
All of a sudden, she appears flustered. Wringing her hands together in front of her like she can’t seem to gather the courage she needs to get out whatever it is she is holding in.
“I was mad at—well, not at you, but I was mad, because of how friendly you were with Nikki,” she confesses.
Don’t react, I command myself. But my heart has already taken off, racing wildly, pounding violently as if it’s trying to break itself free of me.
“And that sort of emotion usually springs from jealousy…”
I stay quiet. Maybe I should say something to stop her right here, but I need to hear more. I need to hear everything.
“I was jealous. I didn’t want you to like her. I wanted you to like me. I thought you did.”
I did. I do.
Tears begin to form in her eyes. “I thought that that was the reason why you continue to act the way you do whenever Caleb comes around. I thought you were jealous…” She shakes her head, doubting herself. “I was embarrassed when you told me that you told Nikki you weren’t looking, because that’s when I knew for sure that I had read too much into your acts of kindness. I was so embarrassed that I just freaking lost it, Jackson, and I’m sorry. I owe you an apology, you didn’t deserve any of the backlash.”
It hurts just as much as I am relieved to hear her speak those words to me. She just put herself out there, and I’m the asshole standing here with nothing to say in return.
What do I say?
I’m itching to open my mouth to say my piece, but I don’t trust the words that’ll come spilling out if I do. I always have to choose my words carefully before I open my mouth to speak. I don’t trust myself with her. I never did.
“Everything you said to me at the wedding,” she begins again, and I return my full attention to her. “It’s all true, I was afraid to be happy. The thought of moving on from Eli had never crossed my mind since he…” she pauses, “since he died. I didn’t trust anyone enough to want to try… I smile for show, because one day, I woke up and thought that if I stopped crying and mourning and grieving, that maybe I’d stop feeling altogether.”
“I live and eat alone, because I got sick of people asking if I was okay, because I wasn’t, I’m still not, and I hate lying to the people I care about. I’m afraid to be happy, because I don’t want to forget him. I’m always sad, because I don’t know what else to do, or how else to feel, other than to just miss him… and then I met you.”
“It wasn’t easy. I didn’t like you, at first. You were the opposite of everything I stood for. But then, you started to change. For a moment, my mind entertained the idea that maybe I had something to do with that, and I liked the thought of that very much. You turned out to be this great guy that you keep hidden away from other people, and I just don’t understand it.”
“I’d like to thank you, though. You forced me to open my heart again, and I can’t thank you enough for that, because now, maybe I can honestly try to let go of Eli, to try and move on with someone new, someone good, someone honest…” She shrugs. “And we can go back to being friends, back before I made things really awkward and uncomfortable.”
“No.”
That’s a horrible idea. I don’t want her to move on with anyone unless it’s me.
Fuck new, good, and honest.
I can be good and honest. For her, I can. I will.
I want to be the one to help her move on.
I want to be the one she hands her h
eart to.
“No?” she repeats, the disappointment heavy in her tone.
Don’t say anything you can’t take back, the pesky voice inside my head commands me.
But I can’t just stand here and do nothing. She’ll find good and honest somewhere else, with someone else, if I don’t say something now.
“You want honest? I want to be honest with you. Can I be honest?” I ask. Lexi nods hesitantly at me. “You stick up for people you don’t know. You’re not afraid to speak your mind. You’ve got these cute little dimples that show when you smile. You’ve got this crazy laugh when you find something really funny, like it’s impossible to hold in, and the sound of it is too infectious for the whole world not to join in when you do. You’ve got one of the purest hearts of anyone I’ve ever known. You say that Eli was the first boy to tell you that you were pretty? Then I’m going to go ahead and be the first to tell you that you’re beautiful. You think I don’t notice you, or see you, but you’re wrong. You’re the first woman I’ve seen in a very long time.”
“The thing with Caleb. You’re right, I was jealous. I was jealous today, too, when I watched you dancing and laughing with Kellan Cooper. I don’t like to see you on another man’s arm. In fact, I hate it. It makes me crazy. You’re wrong about everything. Because I care about you, Lexi, more than you know.” I close my eyes and hang my head, a feeling of regret slowly forms in my chest.
I’ve officially lost complete control of our situation, but instead of giving into the fear and regret, I welcome it. You don’t get to call it winning without fighting for what you really want. I want Lexi. I’m not going to lose her to some idiot that won’t know the first thing about her. I know her. I can love her better than anyone else can, of that I am confident. It may not be right, but it’s the truth.
I consider my next words carefully, debating whether or not they should actually be said. But I promised her honesty, so I decide to be brave. “My feelings for you terrify me, because since you and I met, I’ve become so unpredictable. I don’t care what’s right or wrong when you’re around. You make me want to be happy.”
Lexi lifts my chin, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Why the hell haven’t you said anything?”
“Because even after having said all of this,” I shake my head, “I can’t.”
So far, I’ve been honest with Lexi about everything I feel in my heart, but that’s only a part of what I’ve been hiding from her. There’s so much more I’ve yet to say, so much I’ve left out.
I’ve never been so afraid to lose something, something that isn’t even officially mine.
“Why not?”
“There is so much you don’t know—”
“That’s not true,” Lexi interjects, yanking at the end of my tie to pull me closer. “I know that you care about me, that I’m not alone in this. Can’t that be enough?”
“As much as I want it to be, I don’t think it can.” I touch my forehead to hers when she drops a hand over my chest.
“Then I don’t want to know.”
“Lexi…”
A discouraged look passes over her face when she breaks away from me. Underneath her soft, ocean-blue eyes, I note their lack of confidence and hope, their disappointment. “I don’t understand your need to torture yourself. You’re the one who told me that in order to be happy, I’d have to let go of what causes me pain. You’re a hypocrite, Jackson. Why can’t you just let yourself be happy? I can make you happy…”
“You already do make me happy. The only time I’m not this miserable fucking mess is when you’re around.”
Lexi throws her hands up in the air. “I’m done talking about this.”
The word hits me hard. “What do you mean done?”
“We both know what we want, but you tell me you can’t be with me. What does that even mean? Should I just forget this conversation happened and go with plan A? Should I go find someone else?”
“No.” I shut that idea down immediately, my tone angry.
“Then tell me that it’s okay for us to be together.”
I can’t do that yet!
When she witnesses my struggle to comply, she shakes her head at me. “We’re going around in circles, Jackson! I can’t talk about this anymore, we’re not getting anywhere.”
I reach out to stop her from walking away from me. “Wait…”
“No.” Lexi frees her arm. “If I hear you say ‘I can’t’ one more time, I’m going to lose it. You are a good man, and you deserve to be happy,” she says with sincerity. “Harper told me about the job you offered Nick? What kind of piece of shit who doesn’t deserve happiness would go out of his way to do something like that?”
In my head, I’m ready to tell her. When I go to act on it, I lose my nerve. I can’t bear the thought of her hating me, so I pull up.
I’m a coward.
“Lexi, I just…” I shake my head. “I just…”
“Can’t?” Lexi completes my thought for me. “Well, I guess that’s just it, then. Right? What else could there be left to say?” When I say nothing, she just nods her head, the movement causing a tear to spill down her cheek.
My mouth finally opens, but not to deliver the words I want them to. “I can’t go back to being your friend, Lexi. Not after knowing what I know. I have a hard time trusting myself with you as it is.”
She nods again in understanding. “No, I agree. I think that’s actually best. You should leave.” Lexi sidesteps me, and I reach out to stop her again before she can pass. “Let go, Jackson.”
Tears form at the thought of having to let her go. I bite down hard, my grip around her hand tightening instead of loosening, and my mouth releases a sharp exhale the second my tears make contact with my cheeks. “I don’t think I can.”
I can’t. I can’t physically bring myself to do it. I’m too far past the line to turn back now. She wants to be with me. I want to be with her. It shouldn’t have to be this hard.
“Jackson…”
I shake my head when I’ve reached my decision. “I can’t let you go, Lexi. I’m sorry, I won’t.”
Lexi releases what sounds like a breath of relief. “You just told me exactly what I wanted to hear. What do you have to be sorry for?”
“I need to tell you something…”
“Jackson,” she stops me, her other hand coming around to the nape of my neck to bring my forehead to hers. “Just stop. Put that out of your head for right now.”
“If it can change the way you feel about me, wouldn’t you rather know now?”
“I’m not changing my mind.”
“I’m going to need more than that.”
“What more do you need me to say?” she asks, ready and willing to simply do as I ask.
“I want you to promise me.”
A small frown touches her lips, and she regards me with a curious look. “Promise you what?”
“That you’ll stay. That you won’t leave when you finally hear what it is I have to tell you.”
Words are just that—words. They don’t hold any special weight. They can be taken back just as easily as they are given. Promises are broken all the time. I’m not naïve enough to believe that her simply promising me what I ask would entitle me to keep her forever, but right now, I just need to hear her say it.
There’s only so much I can take. I’ve already tried doing the right thing, but I eventually end up right back here. Wanting her, needing her.
I’ve done my best to remain invisible, and the universe drops her into my elevator. I’ve done my best to keep myself at a distance, and the universe up and decides to make her my stylist.
I’ve done my best to stay away, but failing to do so, that part’s on me.
I am one right answer away from surrendering myself to the inevitable.
No. Even if she says that she can’t promise anything right now, I don’t think I can actually let her go. That’s how deep in this I am. I can’t leave her. She’s going to have to be the one to walk away from
me. Though I have no idea what good that will do, since I will more than likely go after her anyway.
I’m in love with the woman whose life I ruined. What am I to do?
I snap myself out of it when I feel Lexi’s head nod against mine. “I promise, Jackson. I swear it.”
I promise, she says.
I swear it, she says.
The fact that she seems so honestly sure fills me with something I haven’t felt in a while, hope. Right now, I don’t feel the need question our situation or her decision, because I choose to have faith in her answer. I choose to believe her, to trust her.
I lean in for a kiss I’ve put off for far too long, but Lexi pulls away from me. “You can’t ask me to promise you something like that without promising me the same in return.”
I reach up, my hand fisting her hair in my impatience, and she gasps softly when I tip her head back so her lips are angled perfectly to me. “Lexi…” I lower my head to hers again. “If I really had the strength to leave you, I would have done it already. I swear to you that I’m not going anywhere.”
She barely allows me any time to get through the last sentence before reaching on her toes to kiss me.
Instantly, I realize how much of a mistake this is—though I would never take back this moment, were I ever given the chance to redo it.
I shouldn’t have kissed her, or more, she shouldn’t have kissed me.
One kiss from her and I’m fucking done. Finished.
One kiss from her is all it takes for me to be absolutely sure. I want this. I want everything. I want it all, and I want it with Lexi.
I’m going to tell her tomorrow. She has to know. In order for any of this to really work, she has to know.
I will tell her, and then I will do anything and everything to earn her forgiveness. I will get on my knees and beg. I will sign over everything I’ve got to wherever she wants. I will do it all.
If it means I get to keep her, there’s nothing I can’t do, nothing I won’t give.
All I want is to be enough, for whatever this is to be enough, enough for her to find it in herself to forgive me for being the one responsible for taking him away.
