Secondhand Heart

by Amity Lassiter

She felt him beside her and then watched as he reached for Tank's reins and drew him nearer, telling him to 'whoa' and stand still.

  "Get ready," he said quietly, and before she realized what was happening, he'd given her a boost into the saddle and she was gathering her reins. He didn't look back at her when he walked away and opened the pen's gate.

  "Thank you," she said, pausing in the open space beside him.

  "Go up the crop fields and follow the road. It's easy and there's no gates. I know it's not the same thing."

  She pressed her lips together and squeezed her eyes shut to discourage the fresh flood of tears. He knew exactly what she needed. In a world where they could have gotten their shit together, he would have been the right man for her. Without having to be told, he knew what made her tick. And she could have loved him fiercely. If he'd let her. But he'd always want his wife. Or at least he'd be so busy tip toeing around the idea of his past married life they'd never be able to have a normal relationship.

  She wanted to thank him but the words got stuck in her throat, so she clucked to the gelding and they headed out.

  *

  He had things to do, but Finn hung around the horse barn, busying himself with little stuff while he waited. His first instinct was to saddle up and go with Lily but judging by the way she recoiled under his touch when he first got to her, she wasn't interested. And he didn't blame her for a second.

  The house had been way too quiet, his bed way too cold, and he'd had to brew his own coffee this morning. He'd barely slept a wink. He had nobody to blame but himself. He checked the time for what felt like the thousandth time, and then started topping up water buckets for the horses that'd be coming in for grain later on.

  Tank will take care of her, he reminded himself. He knew he could trust the horse with children and beginners; many with less knowledge and physical ability than Lily herself, but he couldn't stop himself from worrying just a little. Though she'd come a long way in the last month, she still expected more of her body than it would give and he knew that frustrated her.

  Pausing outside of the stall Encore was temporarily occupying, he sighed, rubbing the horse's big jowl. "What are we gonna do, brother?"

  It was becoming pretty obvious even if he could make Encore into a horse that could be ridden, the odds of him being a horse Lily could ride were pretty slim. If she wanted him to keep going, he would—until he and the horse were both old and gray—but he had a sinking feeling she probably didn't want to have anything to do with him now, regardless of how things worked out with the horse. And that was on him.

  He stood by Encore's stall for a while, stroking his head and ears—he was a sweet horse, who wanted to please but clearly had too many demons to conquer. When he couldn't make any more work for himself waiting for Lily, he stepped out into the daylight. She was just dismounting, carefully lowering herself down Tank's side to land as softly as possible on her feet. She stroked the horse's neck, and when she turned, Finn was relieved to see she wasn't crying anymore.

  Taking a step toward her, he held out his hand and offered to take the gelding, but she walked past him. Naturally, he followed. Because he couldn't imagine not. He'd let her go because he knew a long ride would clear her head, and maybe her heart, and then maybe she'd be open to his attempt to articulate what had been banging around inside of his head since he'd come home to find the door of her bedroom standing open the night before and all of her things gone.

  "How was your ride?"

  "Good." She clipped the gelding into the cross ties and set to work divesting him of the saddle and bridle.

  "Look, Lily…"

  "I'm taking Encore back to Denver."

  Her words were a bullet in the chest. His mouth moved to form words that just didn't happen. Now that he'd made up his mind, he'd assumed she'd be as open and receptive to it as she had been in the beginning. He hadn't planned for what would happen if she cut and ran before he had a chance to make this up to her.

  "But…"

  "I think I just need to accept this isn't going to work. And you probably should, too."

  Finally, he found words. "You've come all this way just to give up like this?"

  Her sad shrug vised his heart in a way he hadn't expected. "You don't get to win every time, I guess. Not every banged up thing can be made shiny again."

  She turned back to Tank, checking his legs, feet, and chest, the way he'd seen her do with Buckshot. He watched her for a long moment. She was so thorough, so intent. Despite their differences when it came to things like treeless saddles and helmets, she was one hell of a horsewoman and it hardly seemed fair he couldn't give her the one thing she wanted. But he wasn't going to let her just give up and feel sorry for herself. If he didn't get to crawl in a hole and die after what he'd gone through, neither did she.

  "Bullshit."

  When she straightened, she looked as angry as he felt. He didn't deserve another chance, but damnit, that didn't mean she got to turn her back on her entire life philosophy.

  "Excuse me?"

  "I call bullshit on that. You just rode that horse, didn't you?"

  "That's not the same thing."

  "It's a win. They told you you'd be lucky to walk Lily, and you just spent an hour and a half on horseback."

  Her spine stiffened and she lifted her chin, that stubborn will that brought her here was just as determined to take herself back to Denver. But when she spoke next, she turned her back, putting space between them as she unhooked the cross ties and guided Tank back to his stall.

  "I hired you for my horse, Finn. And it seems like that isn't going anywhere, so we'll stop wasting your time."

  He could see the pain etched on her face when she emerged from the stall.

  "Lily, you're not wasting my time."

  She was so close, he wanted to reach out and bring her into the circle of his arms, feel the way she melted against his chest like she had so many times. To comfort her the way he had when she was telling him about the accident, soothe her like the night she'd asked him to stay after her nightmare. But he was the problem this time, so instead of putting himself between her and her troubles, it would only make things worse.

  "I brought you a horse you couldn't fix."

  "You brought me a hell of a lot more than a horse, and if you can't see that…" he trailed off, shaking his head. They worked together so well physically; he was convinced if he could get close enough to hold her, she'd soften. But he couldn't even bring himself to do that. He wiped a hand over his face, and looked at the ceiling, letting out a breath and praying for strength. When he leveled his gaze again, she was watching him expectantly. She was going to make him come out and say it. "Damnit."

  Crossing her arms over her chest, she shifted her weight to one side, a slice of bare skin between the waist of her jeans and the hem of her shirt tempting him. He knew if he traveled an inch lower, he'd find a long, jagged scar, an inch lower than that, the tattoo of those four horse shoe imprints. Riding Encore was important to her, but she was important to him. And he'd have to figure out a way to make that clear to her.

  "Lily, I'm not a perfect man. I'm a long ways from it. I've made my share of mistakes—more than my share with you. And I'm sorry for that."

  "I accept your apology, Finn…but this changes nothing."

  "Damnit, Lily, I've been trying to ignore it because it changes everything. I need you. Like I need a horse to ride and air to breathe."

  *

  Trying to draw a breath of her own, Lily found her chest too constricted. She hadn't expected that admission, not after he'd let her walk away from him like that. She was exhausted—emotionally and physically, and his words weighed on her shoulders. The smart thing to do was call Nate, go home, try to sort through her new normal. She'd fought for a lot of things that weren't smart, and she couldn't help but feel like she owed it to herself to just let this one thing go easy. Of course, it wouldn't be easy on her heart, but leaving Three Rivers meant she didn't have to cont
inue to grapple with her feelings for Finn, and worse, with the way he felt about her—if she knew anything, it was that this was one struggle she couldn't shoulder. He could say anything between the two of them, but until he stopped hiding his feelings from everyone else, it didn't mean a thing. She'd had a taste of something more and now she'd rather have nothing than go back to the status quo.

  "I'm sorry I accused you of trying to fill Sunny's shoes."

  Lily's jaw tightened, but she didn't reply. He'd already apologized, it didn't change anything. If nothing else, she should have been thankful for the way he'd sideswiped her; she was dodging a bullet.

  "I know that's not what you're trying to do. You're just doing your best to care about someone who's hard to care about."

  He wasn't right. It was easy to care about him—that was the hardest part. The man had been through hell and back and she wanted to love him. But she knew it wasn't always that easy.

  "I'm just a man trying to get his head on straight, and you're…"

  "The bitch trying to make you forget your wife?" The words came out before she could stop them. Finn lifted his head abruptly, his dark gaze searing hers, making her heart clench to the point of pain.

  "The woman who showed up and made me fall in love without even trying."

  His words made her feel tiny. She was angry, but he was hurting. He had been for years.

  "I'm scared as hell, Lily."

  He wasn't the only one.

  "I don't… Finn. I can't do this." He opened his mouth like he had something else to say and then closed it, but his pained expression told the whole story. She uncrossed her arms and reached out to touch his forearm lightly, but wasn't able to meet his eyes. Squeezing hers shut, she said the four words she'd been thinking since he'd helped her onto Tank two hours earlier. "Just let me go."

  She'd gotten too close, and without realizing what was happening, she found herself in his arms, her face pressed against his chest. His familiar scent filled her nostrils and his body heat seeped into her; she'd been cold for hours and suddenly, she felt comfortable again. He folded her tight into his embrace like it was the most natural thing, and dropped his lips to the crown of her head. His words rumbled through her. "I can't."

  And that was when she realized she didn't want him to. Curling her fingers in the fabric of his shirt, she let him hold her and imagined what it might be like to just let this happen. When they were touching, everything made sense; her heart rate slowed and her body warmed. He'd never have accused her of trying to replace his wife if they'd just been wound up in one another's arms. Tears rose in her throat and her eyes and she did her best to swallow them back down.

  No matter what happened, she couldn't guarantee the outcome of their relationship. She'd always wonder if he was comparing her role in his life to his wife's. It really was better for her to leave. She let out a breath through her nose and then lifted her head, straightening. His arms fell away so easily she ached.

  Reaching up, she touched his jaw and smiled sadly.

  "You can."

  And then she walked away.

  —FORTY-ONE—

  Lily curled one arm around her knees, perched on the front stoop of Emma and Noah's place with her cell phone pressed to her ear. It rang four times before Nate's generic answering machine message picked up. She ended the call quickly because leaving a message felt final. In truth, she was just looking for someone to talk to.

  With fall rodeo season in swing, Emma and Noah were busy coaching and working client horses, so she'd been on her own since she'd walked away from the horse barn, and it sucked. Despite her resolve not to drag her friends into this…whatever it was with Finn, she just needed an ear. Tucker wasn't much of a conversationalist and he'd long abandoned his post at her feet in favor of flushing frogs out of the long grass surrounding the property. She'd done everything she could to keep herself busy, including opening up her computer to edit, only to find even the frames he wasn't in reminded her of Finn.

  Her heart ached thinking of the way he'd looked when she said she'd go back to Denver, of the way his body had trembled when he held her that last time in the barn. Maybe she should back up and let him try…but she had dealt with enough ups and downs in the last year; she was done. This was protecting herself. No matter how bad it hurt now. She was saving herself trouble in the long run, from a man who was too afraid of the rumor mill to even hold her hand in public, or to give himself the chance to love her.

  Girl, you are in big trouble. Sighing, she scuffed her feet, and pulled out her phone again. By heart, she dialed a number and held it to her ear. Her mother picked up on the second ring.

  "Lily! I've been missing you, sweetie."

  "Hi Mama."

  There was a brief pause on the other end of the line. "Are you okay, love? You sound blue."

  "Oh, things just aren't going the way I imagined."

  Another long pause. Lily braced herself for her mother's 'told ya so' speech, but then heard Julie exhale slowly.

  "I'm sorry, honey. That's tough. Is Encore okay?"

  "He's fine, mostly. Just not making the kind of progress we hoped he would."

  "So you're not out riding seventeen miles a day to fit up, then?" Lily could hear the teasing in her mother's voice, and a little smile tipped the corner of her lips.

  "No, and Finn's not getting him ridden, either. He crumbles under the pressure." Crumble was too nice a word for what Noah had eventually, after a great deal of bribery, described to her. She was grateful she hadn't been there to see it. "But I did ride out today, on one of the ranch horses."

  "That's great, Lil. It sounds like you're doing alright."

  Over the time she'd been in Three Rivers, the phone conversations had definitely gotten easier. Julie had stopped asking when she'd come home and started to have an interest in progress. It seemed to be something positive for her mother, so she couldn't tell her she'd been trying to get a hold of Nate all day to book a ride home.

  "Yeah. I am," she lied, and because she couldn't stomach any more, she leaned back, letting out a breath. "Okay mama, I gotta go. I'll talk to you again in a couple of days." Maybe over coffee.

  "Alright, sweetie, I love you."

  "Love you too, Mom."

  —FORTY-TWO—

  Lily paced a tight circle. On her left sat a huge canvas of Encore, head up, ears perked. What the shot didn't show was the subject of Encore's attention—Finn Baylor with his back to her in the foreground. She remembered the uncropped image too well.

  With her heart thundering in her chest, Lily paused in front of an easel with a close-up shot of Jonas Pierce, Emma's father. He'd been whispering words of encouragement to a new calf; born the wrong time of year, out of a first-time mother, the little bull calf had needed a little help to get going, and gentleness and compassion showed on Jonas' weathered face.

  Not since the very beginning had she been nervous to show her photos to anyone, but this wasn't just 'anyone'. She hadn't spoken to Finn in days, and she didn't know if he'd show up tonight. Too many of the photos pinched her heart to see—images that either had Finn front and center, or had his energy in them somehow. She'd realized too late her heart was pinned securely on her sleeve, and she wasn't sure she was ready for him to see that, especially considering how close to his chest he played his hand.

  Emma stepped up beside her, appraising the photo of her father. She'd seen all of the shots before Lily had traveled to Denver to have them printed, and then she'd helped assemble them in Three River's library tonight. It wasn't a fancy gallery collection, but it was the least she could do for the big hearts of this small town, who had welcomed her like she was one of their own.

  "Would you stop?" Emma finally said.

  "What?" Glancing up at her friend, Lily tried to swallow but found her throat too dry. Emma handed her a glass of punch, and Lily took it, grateful.

  "You're nervous. Your hands are shaking," Emma nodded toward the tiny ripples in the surface of the punch
. "You stare down furious sixteen hundred pound bulls for a living. And the stupid alpha asshole cowboys that ride them."

  "Hey, I take offense to that," Nate said, laughing as he flanked Lily's other side and slid his arm over her shoulder. It was comforting to have him here—she'd spent the last couple of days in Denver getting her canvases and visiting with her mom and Nate had been a huge support during that. "The show looks great, Lilypad. The way they looked all wrapped up in the back of my truck, I had no idea what you were hiding."

  Lily twisted and halfheartedly planted her fist in his side. Putting on a show, Nate yelped and jumped away, wandering toward a tall blonde standing just inside the door. Beside her, Emma laughed, then nodded after him. "Mom and Dad are here."

  Letting out a slow breath, Lily turned and saw that not only Jonas and Myrna had arrived, but the Andersons, and Nan and Banks Montgomery, along with a few faces that were only vaguely familiar. She'd expected her friends to turn up, but as the small space began to fill with people—some she knew, and some she didn't at all—she felt a smile start at her toes. Before long, she was circulating through the room, proudly discussing the work she'd done in Three Rivers.

  Even if she hadn't been able to fix Encore or Finn Baylor, she'd made friends here. She'd met amazing people, and had experiences she wouldn't have had in Denver. For the first time in a year, she'd decompressed, and allowed herself to breathe again, to appreciate some of the smaller joys in life. And she'd ridden again. She couldn't regret it, even if the unfinished business made her ache.

  "Lily!"

  She'd have known the little girl's voice anywhere. Tessa had become a regular part of Lily's week, and there was more than one shot of her—with Finn—on display. She crouched just as the girl barreled into her, nearly knocking them both ass over teakettle. This week's lesson had been the first one Lily had missed since her arrival at the Baylor ranch and she doubted Finn had been able to give her any more answers than Lily herself had about her whereabouts.

  "Hey you! Did you see the pictures of you and Buckshot?" She straightened, lifting the slight girl into her arms.