Soldiers of Fame and Fortune Full Series Omnibus: Nobody’s Fool, Nobody Lives Forever, Nobody Drinks That Much, Nobody Remembers But Us, Ghost Walking, 12 Book series...

by Michael Todd

  The other members of the team were the official counters. Wizard kept his eyes on Jens. He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s hard to keep track. He is blasting them away. Glad I loaned him the sword from my comic collection.”

  Horace yawned. “Not hard to keep track of mustache; he’s terrified of those things. Must have a bug phobia. Personally, I hate snakes.”

  Mary nodded. “Yeah, and I hate sharks. Haven’t come across any of those out here, thank you.”

  Wizard chuckled. “Don’t jinx us. Next thing you know, they’ll be walking around on legs.”

  The team moved as several bits of locust body flew at them, shrapnel from Jens’ deadly sword swipes. A loud crack in the canopy drew their attention upward. A group of locusts had landed on a bulky tree limb, but it was obvious it wasn’t going to hold their weight. The limb cracked again, and this time it gave way.

  Mary turned on her speaker. “Watch out from above!”

  The general jumped back, firing wildly and landing on his ass. The tree limb crashed to the ground right in front of him but left him unscathed. He stood up and reloaded his gun as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, Jens was still beating ass. He dropped his gore-covered sword and went after the bugs with his fists. He slammed the locusts into tree-trunks, cracking them like walnuts.

  Horace shook his head. “Oh, that branch will cost him. He took a whole minute reloading without killing anything.”

  Ainsley crossed his arms. “At this point, I’m pretty sure his suit’s toilet system is getting a workout.”

  Mary wrinkled her nose. “Gross. Old-man shit. Not cool.”

  A swarm of locusts cut through the trees and headed straight for the general. He brought up his gun and sprayed bullets through the mass, then his rifle jerked and froze. He shook it, then tried to pull the trigger with two fingers. Nothing happened. “Fuck. Fuck. No.”

  His gun had jammed, and the locusts were heading straight for him. The first bug sliced at him with one sharp leg, knocking him onto his back. The gun fell from his hand. The second swiped higher, cutting him across the cheek. He covered his head with both hands as they began to circle him. Ainsley sighed and called out, “Jens. Looks like your man might need a little assistance.”

  Jens ripped the body of a locust apart in a gout of blood. He nodded and started to walk across the clearing. He pulled his gun and aimed at one of the locusts. There was a crack, and the locust stopped midflight and slammed into the dirt. Another locust hovered over the general, getting ready to dive. Jens took off across the clearing and jumped higher than any man had a right to jump. He stretched his arms wide and tackled the locust as it reached the top of the general’s HUD. A loud scratching noise echoed as its leg scraped across it.

  Jens hit the ground and rolled to a stop, looking down at the locust. He had its legs and arms pinned to the ground, and he reached back with one hand, pulling a grenade. “You’re a wily motherfucker. I don’t need you coming back and hunting me down, now do I? Sorry, buddy, there won’t be any regeneration for you.”

  He slammed the grenade into the locust’s chest and jumped off, then kicked the fat thing like it was a soccer ball. The team watched as the locust’s body careened across the clearing and exploded. Blood and bits of wing and leg flew everywhere. Jens covered the general with his body. As the smoke began to clear, the team broke into applause.

  Jens lifted his head and looked around. The locusts had retreated. Broken bodies lay all over the ground. The general slowly lifted his head and swatted away Jens’ attempt to help him to his feet. They both looked at Wizard and Horace, waiting for the results.

  Wizard shook his fingers in the air, counting in his head. “Uh, Jens killed thirty-four locusts.”

  Horace chuckled. “The general killed sixteen. Sorry, sir. Your medals didn’t make you a winner today.”

  Everyone in the bar burst into laughter. Holly joined in. “That’s nuts. Not only did he win, but he saved the general’s life.”

  JB nodded. “That he did. When they got back, the general sent someone out to give him a check for half a million dollars. Jens was confused for a minute, but it was obvious that the guy wasn’t going to hand over his wife. Jens took it as a win; a nice payday for an hour of work, and a confidence booster.”

  Toothless sighed. “Yeah, then everyone bombarded him. They all pushed him to take a vacation. Horace even offered to let him stay with his family for a month or so. The general was not the kind of guy to be fucked with.”

  JB nodded. “That is very true. He never did his own dirty work; he had a roster of military thugs to do his bidding. Jens was too cocky to care about that, though. He wasn’t about to be chased out of town by an old man.”

  Holly rolled her eyes. “Men and their pride. Did they come after him?”

  “Boy, did they, and they waited for the perfect moment. A few weeks later, they showed up at his hotel. They had the front desk clerk let them in, and they beat the fuck out of him. He had everything from a bump on the head to broken ribs. He was supposed to go out that day but he didn’t show at the bar, so the team went and found him unconscious on the floor. They took him to the medic and he was eventually all right, but he wasn’t happy about it.”

  Holly sipped her drink. “Did he get revenge?”

  “Not right then. They talked him into cooling down. They knew the general would do worse if he went after him. But Jens, being smarter than the general, held onto the grudge and went back to work. He started wearing his suit when he went in on account of the contracts. Going in without a suit had been all for show anyway. Jens was made of steel, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew he was taking a chance when he did it, but he wanted to get into the general’s head.”

  Holly let out a deep breath. “This man was definitely more than I thought he was going to be. I seriously thought… Well, I don’t know what I thought. He was a one tough sonofabitch, and then some.”

  Chapter Eight

  Holly sipped the last of her drink and grabbed a handful of the peanuts JB had put in a bowl for her. He wiped down the bar as a few customers left and new people began to show up. There was still a decent-sized crowd lingering in the place, trying not to let on that they were listening to the story.

  Holly held up her glass and smiled. “May I have another? I’ll settle up with you before I leave.”

  JB wiped his hands and took her glass. He paused. “How about another round of ‘Guess that drink?’ I’ll do shooters again.”

  Paula was standing at the end of the bar. “JB, you are going to have to carry her back if you’re not careful.”

  Holly smiled. “It’s all right. I’m pretty good at handling my liquor. Not Jens good, but I will manage to get home without tripping over my own feet, I think.”

  JB clapped his hands excitedly. “Good. Give me a few to whip up some magic, and you can do yours.”

  Holly pulled the bowl of peanuts closer and began to pick through them. Toothless chuckled. “I haven’t seen the man that excited about making drinks in a long time. You must be special. Are you a merc? Roughneck?”

  Holly swallowed her peanuts and shook her head. “No. I am trying to decide whether to take a contract from this company I work with. They want me to go into the Zoo, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

  Toothless made a soft, uncertain sound and helped himself to a peanut. “I’m not saying anything about you. I don’t know you. But if it were me and I could go back? I wouldn’t do it. I suppose if you’re sure, and I mean a hundred percent absolutely certain you want to make a career out of the Zoo, go ahead. But to go in once? That’s not worth the money Pitas bring.”

  “I wouldn’t be collecting Pitas. At least, I don’t think so. I would be going in looking for something else. They want something pretty specific.”

  Toothless frowned at her. “How do they know what they’re looking for if they ain’t never been in there?”

  “That’s one of my questions. I want to know what they aren’t tel
ling me about this whole damn thing.”

  JB returned with three shooters and set them down. “Knock off the Twenty Questions. She’s trying to enjoy a day here at the bar. I am forcing her to relax a little.”

  Holly looked at the shooters. “Do I seem tense? I guess that’s a dumb question. I’ve been tense every day for twenty years. Anyway, are there any rules to this?”

  JB shook his head. “Nope. Just do one at a time.”

  People were starting to gather around. Word had spread that she was some sort of savant when it came to booze, and they were interested in watching the magic show. Holly picked up the first one and took an experimental sip. She closed her eyes and thought about it. The mixture was good if a little strange. She took another drink of it, then another. Then the glass was empty. She tilted her head then opened her eyes, giving JB a wide smile.

  He looked skeptical. “You got it?”

  “I think so. With the bitter taste but smooth fruitiness I thought wine for sure, but then I remembered you said you don’t have wine out here often. So I dove deeper, and that was when I caught the rum. It’s like a Sangria shooter. There is rum, blue curacao, apple pucker, apple juice, pineapple juice, a hint of mango, and orange juice. I am pretty sure you put a bit of citron in there too.”

  Everybody stared at JB for a moment. He waved them away. “I’ll tell you at the end what she got wrong or right.”

  Holly giggled, then collected herself. “Okay. Round two.” She picked up the second and downed it, realizing that taking sips was just going to prolong the whole ordeal. Her eyes shot open, and she smacked her lips. “Wow, that’s really got a sour kick to it, but at the same time, it’s sweet. It’s like a heavy fake powdered lemonade. Hmmm.”

  As Holly thought it over the crowd began to whisper her name, chanting quietly, “Holly, Holly, Holly.”

  JB put his hands on the bar and grinned at the crowd. He hadn’t seen his patrons this enthused about anything in a long time. Holly put up her finger and everyone went silent. “You used Absolut Citron again, lemon juice, simple syrup, a half-splash of cranberry for the color, and you topped it off with 151.”

  JB chuckled and slid the third toward her. Paula rolled her eyes and walked over, handing her a glass of water. “You gotta let her clear her pallet. Otherwise, it’s confusing.”

  Holly nodded astutely. “Thank you, Paula.”

  “I got your back, baby.”

  Holly rinsed out her mouth and let out a deep breath, feeling the warmth of the liquor in her chest. She picked up the last one and took it back in one. She kept her eyes closed as she went through the flavors and textures touching her tongue. The guys began to chant again, but she was faster this time around. “Oh, that’s really good. This one is grape vodka, the cheap kind with the really heavy grape flavor. Reminds me of being a kid. It’s also got grape juice, blueberry puree, and pineapple rum on top.”

  The whole bar looked at JB, waiting for him to confirm or deny. He rubbed his chin and grabbed a set of cards off the back of the bar. He hid them from everyone else as he went down the list of ingredients. One of the guys threw up his hands. “Leave it to JB to be fucking dramatic.”

  JB laughed. “She got all of them right.”

  Holly put her arms up, and everyone cheered. She was battered as rough hands patted her on the shoulder. She laughed, feeling more at home than she had in a long time. JB gaped at her. “How in the hell do you do that? You were dead on.”

  Holly smiled. “Well, in addition to what I told you before, I know chemicals and how they react with human taste buds. I also spent my college years bartending, so I know alcohol flavors like the back of my hand. On top of that, I did some freelance work for a candy company. I got used to the fake flavors and such. I’ve got it all stored up here in my brain, even if I don’t know it’s there.”

  Paula pushed the door open, bustling from the kitchen and through the crowd with a plate in her hand. She set it down on the bar in front of Holly. “Here. You need some fried foods to soak it all up, or you’ll be crawling back to the hotel tonight.”

  Holly smiled sweetly. “Aww, thanks. I love fried food.”

  The plate, loaded with cheese fries, fried mozzarella sticks, and fried pickles, was the size of a truck tire. She rubbed her hands together and picked up a cheese stick, dipping it in a bowl of marinara. She took a bite and closed her eyes, groaning as she chewed. JB looked at her curiously.

  Holly opened her eyes and laughed. “Sorry. Back in New York, I would not allow myself to eat anything like this. I maintain a pretty strict diet and exercise routine. My trainer would bust a nut if he saw me eating fried food.”

  JB frowned. “You city folk and your diets. You are beautiful. Don’t need a diet.”

  Holly laughed. “Yeah, until I eat fried food every day and end up being rolled out of my apartment and down the emergency stairs because I can’t walk.”

  “I don’t see that happening, but whatever floats your boat. I guess around here we figure that life is short, and if we survive the Zoo, we can deal with the aftereffects of a mozzarella stick or two.”

  Holly stuffed her face with cheese fries. “I can totally understand that. There are much more important things in life than having a perfect figure. I have to admit, though, I haven’t seen any fat people out here. I assume that between the physical exertion of the Zoo and the heat of the desert, it’s not hard to work off the calories?”

  “There you go, making assumptions again. But this time you’re right.” JB shook his head. “They used to make us eat an extra serving before going into the Zoo so we’d have extra calories, like a long-distance runner carb-loading. And they send in mostly odorless food because they don’t want to attract wildlife. You eat a lot of granola and plain protein oatmeal out there. Not very balanced. Of course, no one stays out for more than a few days at a time.”

  Holly put her arms on the bar. “So, explain something to me again for the first time. What exactly was Jens’ team’s mission? Like, what were their jobs?”

  JB sat down on his stool. “Well, in that regard, they were much like everyone else. They were contracted by corporations. They worked for everything from pharmaceuticals to education, and even for perfume companies. The companies paid top dollar for goop, the blue stuff in the Pita plants, so they would go out, collect as many petals as possible, and present them to their corporate rep. Then they got paid. Afterward, the company would decide whether to offer another contract. They did it on a per-contract basis. They all know the likelihood of mercs coming back isn’t great.”

  Holly thought about it for a minute. “But what if you didn’t have a contract with a corporation?”

  Toothless chimed in. “Then you turn in whatever you find to the government, and they pay you. You have to be registered with them, though. Lots of the guys didn’t want that. That’s why they join teams like Death Dogs and Heavy Metal. They get the big-time contracts, so they always have work.”

  Holly nodded. “Okay, so were they part of a larger team unit?”

  JB shook his head and stole a fry from her plate. “No. Ainsley wanted to try to start another Death Dogs. That was why he got that team together. He was saving money and trying to make connections. They never made it that far.”

  Holly looked at her plate. “Why did Horace stay if his family had plenty of money? He could have called it quits and gone home to his kids.” Nobody said anything for a moment, and JB let out a long deep breath. “Horace was a criminal. His real name was Antwon Basher. Got caught up in a bank heist when he was younger. He came to the Zoo because nobody gave a shit here. Who was going to turn him in? He was savage in the thick. Here, he could afford to take care of his family. He visited incognito whenever he could. He might have been a tough kid, but he grew into a responsible man. Tough shit, I guess. The cops don’t care. The damage had been done. He would have rather died in the Zoo than spent time in prison.”

  Holly nearly sank into her remaining fries. “Oh, man, that
’s fucking sad. I mean, I get that if you commit a crime, you have to be prepared to take the punishment, but to live as an outcast away from your family? Shit. And to think being eaten by one of these aliens was better than going to prison? That’s crazy to me.”

  Toothless cleared his throat. “Sometimes prison is a death sentence on its own. I guess he figured dying in the Zoo would leave him some dignity. Honor, even.”

  “Honor,” JB pronounced the word carefully like he was holding something precious. “That is exactly right. He had kids, and he wanted those kids to think of him as a hero. He set them up for the future. Made sure they had chances he never did. I can understand that he wanted to die with dignity instead of being shivved in a cell somewhere and dying on a concrete floor.”

  Holly pushed the cheese fry remains around her plate. “That is morbid, but I guess you’re right. So, what happened next? Did they keep having drunken adventures in the Zoo?”

  JB smiled. “They did. In fact, they went on for several years doing just that. The team just chaperoned Jens for the most part. They were the Pita pickers, and they were fucking good. Jens continued to drink whenever he went out, but I guess that was when it began to trickle over into his everyday life. He started to get paranoid. It was like he was afraid of fear, if that makes sense. He didn’t want to turn back into the soldier he used to be, so he stayed drunk. Over time, it took more and more for him to get to the sticking point. To be superhuman. That was about the time they came over here. Jens would come to the bar every morning, get liquored up, and stay that way until about mid-afternoon. Then he’d do it all over again. He drank like we eat.”

  “Sounds like his superpower eventually became his kryptonite.”

  “You sure you haven’t heard this story before?”

  “No, why?”

  JB turned to a picture of a guy with a long white beard. At the bottom of the picture, there was a quote. JB read it aloud. “When the very thing that saves you becomes your kryptonite, you need to hang up the HUD.”