The Queen and I

by Russell Andresen

  Jeffrey leaned in close and whispered to her, “It does.”

  She screamed without restraint and leapt into his arms, hugging him so tight that he thought she might snap his neck. Saul leaned over and kissed Jeffrey on the cheek. He began singing, “To Life, lechaim!” dancing as if he were Tevye himself.

  Jeffrey smiled at the happiness his announcement had brought to his new friends, and the thoughts of seeking his vindictive revenge quickly moved farther away from his subconscious. Now the only thing he wanted was to get back to real work for the first time in months.

  He told Saul to see to it that Melissa got home safely, as it was getting dark, and then to do some research of his own in the town for a good place to start the story. It was going to take a total collaboration on their part to bring this work to life, and Jeffrey needed Saul as much as he had ever needed anyone in his life.

  Jeffrey left the two of them alone to celebrate some more, and went to his car to head home to Rachel and to share the good news with her. This was an exciting conclusion he had come to, and he wanted to share it with her as soon as possible.

  * * *

  Jeffrey and Rachel were in the embrace of passion, their bodies meeting as one, the two of them experiencing the other for the first time in almost a month. They were exploring each other as if it was the first time, and it felt new and familiar at the same time. He cupped her breasts, and the two of them kissed long and hard. They struggled to find one another in the half-light of the moon cascading through the bedroom window as they rolled over and over in a battle for dominance.

  She achieved her victory by assuming the top position, and it was not long before she was guiding him inside of her, the two of them becoming one, their hearts beating in unison. Jeffrey marveled at her perfect form in the blue light of the moon and wondered how he had gotten so lucky to have a woman like her in his life.

  “Jeffrey! Jeffrey! I have a wonderful idea for how to start the script.”

  Saul came bursting into the room invisible, and only Jeffrey could hear him. It scared the shit out of Jeffrey, but Rachel was ignorant to his arrival.

  “Jesus Christ!” Jeffrey yelled, and Rachel screamed in agreement. “Get the fuck out of here!”

  “What?” Rachel yelled in surprise.

  “Not you, you!” Jeffrey yelled at Saul.

  “But this is important!” Saul answered back, ignoring Rachel, who was sitting naked in front of him.

  “What the hell are you talking about, Jeffrey?” she asked angrily.

  “Can you please just get the fuck out?” he screamed at Saul.

  “It’s not like I haven’t seen two people shtooping before,” Saul reasoned.

  Rachel climbed off of Jeffrey and covered herself with a sheet. “What is your problem?” she asked.

  “It’s not you, it’s him.” He pointed to Saul, but knew she saw nothing.

  “Him who?” she asked.

  “What did I do?” Saul continued.

  Jeffrey got up from the bed and pulled on a pair of shorts. He turned to Saul, with his back to Rachel, and said, “You have to get out now. We can talk in the morning.”

  “Who are you talking to?” Rachel asked.

  “Saul Milick,” Jeffrey answered her, brushing off any further inquiries.

  “How could you tell her my name?” Saul asked, betrayed.

  Jeffrey turned and said, “I meant to say, Esther Feltcher.”

  “Thank you.”

  “There’s nobody here, Jeffrey,” Rachel hollered in response. “Are you losing it?”

  “Oy vey, she’s pushy this one,” Saul added.

  Jeffrey turned to the ghost and asked, “Why are you dressed like you just stepped out of Hello Dolly?”

  “Who is dressed like they were in Hello Dolly?” Rachel asked, exasperated.

  “These happen to be my writing clothes,” Saul announced defiantly.

  “Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on around here, and who the fuck is dressed like Hello Dolly?” Rachel screamed.

  Saul looked at her and said to Jeffrey, “You know, this one might be like one of those preying bugs. I might have done you a favor.”

  Jeffrey looked confused at Saul, and Rachel continued, “Can you please tell me what the hell is happening?”

  Jeffrey answered, “I was having a nightmare.”

  “Oy gevalt, even I could have done better than that, and I’m not a writer,” Saul chimed in.

  “A nightmare? You want me to believe you were having a nightmare?” Rachel yelled. “We were making love, how is that a nightmare?”

  “I don’t think she believes you, Jeffrey.”

  “Would you shut up?” Jeffrey snapped.

  Rachel looked at him in stunned silence and said, “You did not just tell me to shut up.”

  ‘Maybe I should leave?” Saul asked.

  “How dare you tell me to shut up when you’re the one acting crazy.”

  “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to him.” Jeffrey pointed at the still invisible Saul.

  “You mean her,” Saul said.

  “What?”

  “You mean her. Remember? You told her that you were talking to Esther Feltcher.”

  “That’s right, I meant her.”

  Rachel shook her head and said, “I have no idea what kind of game you’re playing, but I don’t like it.”

  “It’s not very becoming, Jeffrey,” Saul added.

  “Stop helping me,” Jeffrey snapped.

  Rachel dropped the sheet and started getting dressed. She turned, and Saul noticed the tattoo on the small of her back— the Evil Eye.

  Saul eyes went wide, and at that moment, he remembered where he had seen her before, in this very room, doing this very thing with Richard Kearney.

  Rachel stormed out of the room, and Jeffrey watched as she left without even looking at him. He wanted to kill Saul, but there was very little you could do in that regards to a ghost. He looked at Saul and asked, “What were you thinking?”

  Saul shook his head and gave Jeffrey a sad look and answered, “You have more to be concerned about than a bad night in bed.”

  * * *

  Rachel packed her things and left immediately. She did not even allow for any kind of explanation. As far as she was concerned, Jeffrey was obviously losing his mind due to the seclusion up here in the woods, and it was affecting him in ways that she could not have possibly thought of.

  Jeffrey was furious at Saul for his behavior, and angrier still at the accusations he made after she left. According to Saul, Rachel had visited this cabin on many occasions and was quite familiar and intimate with the former owner, Richard Kearney. The two of them had a long-going love affair that they were both trying to keep silent, which Saul had been privy to witnessing firsthand. To Jeffrey, this was an outrage; he couldn’t believe Saul would stoop to such levels to alienate the woman he loved from the cabin in order to keep Jeffrey for himself and to keep their budding work relationship flourishing.

  Jeffrey was so angry at Saul that he decided to leave the cabin himself that evening and to leave the ghost to his own devices without him. Jeffrey headed back into Zion and got a room at the local inn. There he would think about the course of events that had transpired in the last twenty-four hours and how he was going to go forward, knowing what he knew from Saul and the suspicions they were now raising.

  Had Rachel been unfaithful to him? Had there really been another man, and it happened to be the one from whom he had bought the cabin? What were the odds of that happening?

  Jeffrey was a man without answers, and more questions came up at every turn. He decided he would spend a couple of nights away from the cabin and from Saul and hope that it would help clear his thoughts some and lead him to the answers that he now so desperately sought. It was time for him to get his life back on track, and this was an obstruction he did not need at the moment.

  Chapter Thirty-Three: Yom Kippur Is the New Christmas

 
Waking up in Zion at the little inn where he was staying, Jeffrey was immediately overwhelmed by the sounds of Klezmer music and the singing of Jewish folk songs. He looked out the window and saw that the decorations that had been put up the day before were complete, and the streets now hosted booths and vendors.

  He wasn’t quite sure what the special occasion was, but the town’s residents appeared to be having fun, and it looked as if it just might be the very thing that he needed to get his mind off of things back at the cabin.

  Jeffrey knew he had screwed up royally with Rachel, and some serious damage control was going to be required to mend the fences that he had destroyed the previous evening. Of course, Saul was mainly to blame for what had happened, and it was up to Jeffrey to try to make the ghost understand that the world is not one great performance after another anymore, and these bouts of theatrics that Saul was prone to were not helping anyone with the tasks at hand. Barging in on a man while he was having sex with his girlfriend was just something that you didn’t do.

  He got dressed and checked his phone for any messages, half-expecting to see that Rachel had left a text saying they were through. He was relieved to see no such message was there, and in fact, nothing was waiting for him. As he stepped out of his room, he expected to be attacked by Saul again, who’d be eager to convince Jeffrey to come back to the cabin so that they could begin work on the script, but alas, there was no sign of the ghost.

  As Jeffrey walked the streets, he noticed that even though the town was decorated in the bright colors of blue and white, the residents of Zion were all wearing black with white sneakers. If he didn’t know better, he would swear they were celebrating …

  “Merry Yom Kippur,” a young man said happily as he passed. He was followed by a group of young teenage girls who all said shalom and wished him a merry Yom Kippur.

  This would explain the dress, since Yom Kippur was the day of the year when religious Jews dressed in such a manner, but there was nothing merry about this day. In fact, it was the Day of Atonement and not much of anything joyful was done on this day. He watched as townsfolk after townsfolk wished him a happy holiday, joyfully greeted a friend or relative, and proceeded to go to one vendor or another.

  There were booths set up serving various kinds of Jewish cuisine; some of the food had been converted to being served on a stick, and others were selling t-shirts and stuffed animals. He noticed one in particular that looked like a rabbi giving Santa Claus a wedgie. The mere sight of this stuffed wonder was so hilarious that Jeffrey had to buy one. He figured he could give it to Rachel if she ever spoke to him again.

  As he walked further down the main thoroughfare, he spotted Sheriff Pitts, who was dressed in clothing which told Jeffrey the older man was headed to the synagogue soon for one task or another. He spotted the mysterious Abby Tisch, who saw him from across the street and gave him a curt nod of the head. Sean Wagner was loitering in front of the nearby bar and spouting anti-Semitic insults to the patrons.

  “Shalom, Mr. Rothstein!” came the cry from behind him, and he turned to see a jovial man holding his yarmulke in place, approaching with his free hand extended. “Mayor Elmo Baker, great pleasure to finally meet you,” he said happily, shaking Jeffrey’s hand firmly.

  “The pleasure is mine, Mr. Mayor,” Jeffrey answered, wincing a little from the mayor’s grip. “Please call me Jeffrey. I don’t stand on ceremony.”

  “Well I do, so make sure you call me Mr. Mayor, or I’ll have you arrested.” He waited a moment and then broke into loud laughter and continued, “See what I did there?”

  Jeffrey smiled and replied, “You had me going. Very funny.”

  “Please call me Elmo.”

  “Nice to meet you, Elmo.”

  The two of them stood in silence for a moment, and Jeffrey finally had to ask, “So, are we having a party or something?”

  Elmo looked slightly confused by the question and answered, “It’s Yom Kippur. Didn’t you know that?”

  Jeffrey looked around at the decorated town and the way they were carrying on at the various carnival-like attractions and thought that this looked nothing like any Yom Kippur he had ever celebrated.

  The Day of Atonement was one of the high holidays in the Jewish faith, and it was anything but a party. The majority of the day was spent at the temple praying, and Jews who observed the day fasted from sundown to sundown. The orthodox Jews didn’t wear leather on this day either, hence the sneakers made from imitation leather. There was no handling of money, and there were certainly no games of chance or stuffed animals for the kiddies at any functions. It was obvious to Jeffrey that these fine people, in their innocence, were totally confused about the holidays of their newfound religion and its customs. They were struggling with the old and the new, their old lifestyle as Gentiles to their new one of Jews, struggling to learn the ways of the “matzo eaters,” as he liked to refer to his people.

  “Yom Kippur is not that kind of holiday,” Jeffrey began. Elmo looked at him confused and slightly hurt while Sheriff Pitts approached.

  “Merry Yom Kippur, Elmo,” he said happily. He extended his hand to Jeffrey and offered him a happy holiday as well. “How are you getting along in our little town, sir?”

  “You can call me Jeffrey. The town is fine. I spent the night here, but I’m sure your clandestine informants have told you about that by now.”

  The sheriff slowly turned and spied out Sean Wagner and replied, “If you’ve had a problem with anyone in the town, I suggest you come to me about it immediately.”

  The two of them stared at each other with knowing looks that spoke of the disdain they had for one another.

  “You ready to go down, Malcolm?” a boisterous voice came from Jeffrey’s left, and a large red-haired man with long sideburns and a kilt approached. He too was wearing a yarmulke and a tallit, the prayer shawl that so many religious Jewish men wear on holy days.

  He extended his hand to Jeffrey and introduced himself. “Rufus O’Neal, future cantor of Zion’s First Reformed Temple.”

  “I’m sorry, did you say cantor?” Jeffrey asked.

  “You betcha!” Elmo answered emphatically. “Tonight is the night that we as a community will announce who our new cantor will be now that our old cantor, Jerome Washington, has moved to Jerusalem.”

  “And I’m going to take the title home tonight,” Rufus announced like a prizefighter before the big bout.

  “There’s a lot of singing to do before you can wear that title, Rufus,” SheriffPitts added.

  Rufus turned to Jeffrey and asked, “Will you be joining us tonight, young fellow? Should be a good time for all.”

  Jeffrey thought about it and agreed to attend. He could use the distraction, and this seemed to be as good a way as any to get his mind offof the events of the last twenty-four hours.

  The four of them walked down Gribenes together toward the temple where the big sing-off was to take place, and Jeffrey thought about how he was going to write this scene in the play. He had visions of the stage being decorated like an American Idol set with giant menorahs in the background and a chorus line of rabbis as backup singers. This was turning out to be so much better than his original thoughts, which were solely focused around violent revenge and vindictiveness. These people of Zion were the muse he needed, the inspiration he had been searching for, and the answers to his prayers.

  A wise man once said, “You can’t make this stuff up,” and in the case of the small town of Zion, it was not only true that you couldn’t forge this kind of behavior, but that reality was sometimes funnier than fiction.

  * * *

  Melissa was summoned as soon as Jeffrey left. Saul had figured out years ago how to use the phone, in spite of the fact that he was a ghost, and he was able to do other chores for himself. But when it came to what he needed right now, he was more than useless, so he called the young girl and asked her to forego the festivities in town and get over to the cabin as soon as she could.

  Now that
she was here, Saul instructed her to get on the fercoktehed computer that Jeffrey had left behind so she could get the ghost some information he desperately needed.

  From his readings of the local paper and the Times entertainment section, he knew all that he needed to know about Jeffrey’s professional life and most of his private one as well. But what he did not know was who these mysterious men were that had gone out of their way to harm Jeffrey and his career. He knew their names, but that was it. He wanted to help his new friend and to make right what had gone so wrong when he had barged in on him, so he needed Melissa to help him scour through this thing called the Internet. While she was at it, he also wanted her to find where his girlfriend Rachel lived. He was going to roll the dice and see if he could not fix the damage that he had caused.

  “Here they are,” Melissa announced triumphantly. On the screen in front of them were the pictures of Heinrich Schultz and Mendel Fujikawa.

  There were detailed biographies of both men and even the address for where Schultz’s office was. The pictures were what Saul was looking for so that he knew he was dealing with the right men when he crossed their paths where he was going.

  “What is he wearing?” Saul asked as he examined Fujikawa’s photo.

  “Well, maybe he likes color,” Melissa offered innocently.

  “Or he’s blind.”

  Saul saved the information on the two men and Jeffrey’s girlfriend to memory and asked Melissa to find out the local bus schedule to New York City.

  “Why do you need a bus?” she asked.

  “What do you think I’m going to do? Walk?”

  “I just thought that maybe you could fly or something,” she added.

  “Just what the world needs, a flying Jew.” He patted her on the head and continued, “Just get me the schedule.”

  Saul was going somewhere he had not been in over sixty years, a place where his name had once held a lot of weight, where he could get a table at any restaurant, and where the audiences fought to be near him. He was going home, and he was terrified by the prospect, but he also knew it was the only thing he could do.