by Leanne Davis
But summer ended and Charlie, of course, went back to school. It was no easier on her than last year. However, she was dry-eyed and smiling as she said goodbye to him. No guilt-tripping. No scenes. She just pretended she was adept at their separations and although they were hard, they were doable.
Even if they weren’t for her. Cami actually felt worse with every subsequent parting. It averaged every three months or so. He didn’t return until Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. She visited him during the winter and he came home for spring break. She visited him one more time in May before he was supposed to be back for summer. But he called one day in June.
“I’m sorry, Cams, but if I intend to get out of here after four years, I need to take a full load this summer. Plus, now that I’m definitely majoring in international policy, I need to get some prerequisite classes out of the way before I can start.”
She gripped her phone at hearing his words and his explanation of why he could only come home for a few weeks. Three to be exact. Then he had to return for summer school. He was eager to go ahead and move farther along as fast as possible. After all, it meant his degree.
For three weeks he came home and then, he was gone for eight weeks. He returned home for just about three-and-a-half weeks before the fall of his junior year began. He also moved out of the dorm to live in an apartment with Dawson, Tyrell, and Rupport. Sometime during the previous spring, Rosalie hooked up with Dawson, so she too was moving into the new apartment. Cami detested knowing that and at first, she objected to it. But Charlie reassured her, and she eventually held her tongue and had to accept it. Sure. Of course. Didn’t she always agree with Charlie? And suck down her objections? She had to go along with whatever he wanted, needed and of course, deserved. She knew that. But the past two years were both hard and happy for her. She loved the highs of their reunions. It was always a dramatic feeling. Falling together in a desperate kiss, they held each other and looked forward to making love. It was glorious, wonderful and exciting. But that wonderful high was always followed by another long separation. Even if it were just three days, three weeks or three months together, the separation always followed. She refused to lay a guilt trip on him or to complain. She just gritted her teeth and tried to prepare for however long the next separation would be.
Meanwhile, she worked the reception counter at the resort full time, and she still lived with AJ and Kate. That’s it. The only time she had company her age or anyone she cared about was when Jacob, Brianna, or Charlie came home. Cami loved it when their breaks coincided and they descended on the ranch at the same time. Between those perfect times, she was alone a lot and the only young person around.
During junior year, Charlie declared his major was International Policy with a minor in German. He took German in high school, as well as both years at Stanford. He thought learning German went well with his international studies.
His classes naturally grew harder and sometimes, he didn’t have any time to talk. Definitely not as much time as they had before. Corresponding was even more sporadic. His temporary silences managed to always send her self-esteem plummeting before she began questioning and doubting him. However, she didn’t voice any of it to anyone, not even herself.
Charlie needed to go to summer school again if he wanted to graduate the following June. Cami didn’t object or raise an eyebrow. Somehow, she anticipated that announcement and knew it was coming. For three weeks in June and three weeks in September he’d be home but gone for all of July and August.
Brianna decided to stay home and go to summer school too, so Jacob was the only one who came back to the ranch that summer. He stayed with his mom and Joey and brought a backpack full of weed, booze, and even some harder drugs.
He smiled when he opened the door to her. “Cami Reed. How are you?” he asked before he embraced her in a long, tight hug.
She hugged him and smiled when he set her back on her feet. “Fine. It’s been pretty sucky around here though being all alone. It’s always just me.”
Jacob stepped back, and his gaze roamed over her. “Charlie’s going to summer school, huh?”
Had to. Oh yeah, he just had to. Couldn’t possibly have done anything different. He also had to have known for a long time although he didn’t bother to let her know until the last possible second. Anything that could have benefited her, she thought sarcastically. It was essential for his degrees and the experience. Oh, let’s not forget the experience. Stanford, California. Wasn’t Charlie the most amazing and accomplished person to be able to attend Stanford? Fuck Charlie and all his new, being-out-in-the-great-big-wonderful-world—experiences.
“Charlie doesn’t really want to be with me right now. I’m a big, fat downer because I’m kinda sick of his school and him always being away and becoming so wonderful.”
Jacob’s face scrunched up as he assessed her. “Come off it, Cami. He’s your boyfriend. Don’t be such a bitch about his educational opportunities. I’d dump your ass if you tried to tell me what to do with myself. But knowing Charlie, I’ll just bet he’s all sympathetic and sad and sorry. Quit guilt-tripping the guy for wanting more out of life and trying to be something better than all of us could ever hope to be.”
She glared hard at Jacob. He was such an in-your-face, mouthy ass. And so, the opposite of when they all first met him. He stood tall now, at six-foot-three, with blonde hair and brown eyes. He was undeniably hot and gorgeous to look at. Unusually so. But his attitude often stayed in the weeds. “Well, my ass would have never been yours, so…”
Jacob flashed his teeth and threw his head back. “Oh, the things I’d do with your ass if you allowed it.”
She pushed him. “You’re such a pig nowadays. What happened to sweet, shy Jacob Starr? I miss him.”
He pulled out a pipe and crumbled a bud inside before lighting it and taking a long hit. “No, you don’t, Cami Reed. You wouldn’t have this kind of fun with that old, nerdy loser. And you’ve had enough of behaving nicely with our straight-as-the-As-he-gets Charlie Rydell. You love me, and you know it. Enjoy,” he said while raising his eyebrows up and down salaciously and grinning.
She rolled her eyes but grinned back. “You’re such a dick. And I would never date you or sleep with you, but I will smoke with you.”
“See? I. Am. Fun.”
“You are mixed up and definitely on your way to juvenile hall. But you’re not my idiot, so I guess we can have fun getting there.”
So, Cami’s summer was better than she expected. Without listening to Brianna and Charlie’s constant chatter of how wonderful and together and accomplished they were, Cami found it much easier to cope than she expected. Brianna was in college and she earned As almost as often as Charlie. They were both doing so well and meeting bushels of friends between the two of them. Being so well-adjusted, they had become the pride of their families.
Jacob and Cami? They were simply tolerated and that summer they spent together was a huge relief for both of them to just be that. They lazed around and hung at the beach alone or together with an endless supply of alcohol and Jacob’s drugs.
“Where the hell do you get all of this?” she asked Jacob one evening.
“I have a friend who sells it.”
“Everyone needs one of those,” she said, blowing smoke through her lips.
“Never seen you use as much as you have lately.”
“Never felt like doing it as much as I have lately.” She trailed her hand into the river. It was still very warm even though the dead of night surrounded them. “Anyway, what the hell kind of friends do you have?”
He grinned, leaning back and staring upwards. “Fun ones.”
“Are you and Charlie still friends?”
“Sure. Of course. He’s my best friend. But he doesn’t have to know or approve of everything I do, correct?”
“Correct.” She flashed a smile and took another drink from the flask Jacob provided. “He’s always at me, telling me to find my calling. My passion. Somethin
g to keep me focused so I’m not longing for him when he’s gone.”
Jacob threw a handful of little, tiny rocks at her. Then he smiled when she glared at him as she brushed them from her hair. “Well, can you blame the guy? You sit around here mooning after him like it’s the… hell, I don’t even know… maybe the nineteen-fifties, and little ol’ you is just missin’ her man. It’s weird. It’s annoying. It’s lame.”
“I’m not weird, annoying, or lame.”
“You are weird.” Jacob raised his eyebrows. “You can’t deny that. White girl with dreads for how many years? You can be annoying with your sad fragility, and you are totally lame to expect Charlie to complete you. Actually, that’s ridiculously lame. Don’t blame the guy for telling you to get a fucking life.”
Jacob said things like that often. Rude and crude and mean and degrading. She should have hated him for it. But somehow, coming from Jacob, there was no sting in it. Jacob had known her as long as Charlie and their friendship came easy. They never asked or wanted the other to do or be something beyond what they already were. His honesty was tolerable, even when she didn’t like it.
Plus, they were usually blitzed when they had those conversations and her acceptance of him was far more lenient. “So, you wouldn’t put up with a girl wanting you to be her entire focus in life?”
“Lord, no. You want him to make up for the fucked up shit in your adolescent years. Imagine trying to do that for years. A mother lode of emotions I sure wouldn’t sign up for.”
“Then why are you sitting here with me if I’m so lame and horrible and annoying and… what else? Needy?”
Jacob propped himself up on his elbow, staring at her. Moonlight shone down, casting his face in a weird, white glow. “Because you’re none of those things with me. You demand a little too much in the boyfriend requirements, Cami. You wanted Charlie to fucking settle here and marry you at age eighteen. I mean… dude. No. Things don’t work like that.”
“I never asked Charlie to marry me.”
“You still pine for him. Even I know that.”
“You don’t know much else.” She mumbled, and he grinned.
“Yeah, I’m a dick.”
“No argument there.”
He leaned over and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I’m just an equal opportunistic dick. I don’t give a fuck what you do or don’t do. I love you no matter what, you know? Like I do Charlie and even my annoying sister. I’m here strictly as your friend.”
She leaned against his shoulder and realized that. He said mean things, but they were more of an observation than an effort to engage her or ask her to change. He would never judge her or try to determine the kind of person she was.
She tilted her head up towards him. “You still living with your dad in the fall? In Seattle?”
“Yeah. Back to school.”
“Why are you there if you hate it so much?” Jacob intended to start classes at North Seattle Community College.
A shrug, then a sigh. “I talk a big game but it’s bullshit. I really can’t figure out what the hell to do. So I go to school. Dad likes it. Keeps me from working at some crappy job.”
A short laugh escaped her. “So it’s easier to go to college?”
“It’s expected from me.”
“Not for everyone.”
“No. But it is for me.” He shook his head. “I don’t care what you do. I really just hate to see how mopey and sad you always get when I leave.”
She smiled. Having no strings or huge emotional investment did have some serious plusses. He could be honest with her.
“But Cami?”
She glanced at him. He shook his head. “Charlie is solid as the earth. He does care about you and doesn’t want you to be sad. So, don’t forget that. He’ll always be back. I really believe that.”
She wished she felt as confident.
Once Charlie was back, she and Jacob oddly stopped hanging out. In an unspoken agreement, neither one revealed how they’d spent the summer. They didn’t smoke weed or drink any booze now. Not with Charlie around. They also didn’t talk or interact with the ease that being without Charlie seemed to foster. They didn’t hug or wrap their arms around each other, like they did so freely without Charlie. It made her pause. There was a distinct effort from both of them not to act the same way they did all summer. What did it mean? Did they share a valid reason to control their reactions to each other? Exploring what that reason might be was way too hard for either of them to delve into.
Cami had a fleeting thought of the reason it suddenly became so much easier to be around lazy, feckless, fun, easygoing, kind, smart, funny Jacob Starr. Much easier than being with the person who loved her most of all. She believed Charlie did love her. Sometimes, especially of late, she had to wonder why they couldn’t find the same kind of closeness, and ease, and acceptance of one another that naturally sprang up with Jacob.
Jacob wasn’t accomplished, ambitious, motivated or an overachiever. He was no role model or any other positive representation of his age group. He wasn’t intimidating either, and that intrigued Cami. She found it intoxicating and it called to her more often than she ever suspected.
When Charlie came home before his senior year after summer school, Cami began to really feel the pressure of his amazing accomplishments and her ordinary, stale existence. He changed a lot during his junior year too. His shoulders were wider, and he’d also filled out, putting on a good thirty pounds. His once skinny frame had plenty of muscle and meat that were never there before. His voice also dropped even lower and the deep tone matched his solid confidence and achievements. He looked more like a man instead of the teen Cami remembered. Sometimes when she was with him or listening to him talk, she did a double-take, finding it hard to believe he was her boyfriend. He could intimidate her now with his articulate speeches and handsome and confident physique. She felt like the total opposite of him, scraping out her life in tiny River’s End in contrast to his sphere at college. Had she become the burdensome hometown girl? Charlie never once said such a thing, but Cami observed the changes in him. And her insecurities began to drive her insane.
****
In the fall of Charlie’s senior year, Kate came to Cami. “Are you sure you won’t consider it? I feel like it’s time for you to pursue something more challenging than covering reception at the resort.”
“I don’t want to, Kate. I know that disappoints you, but I can’t… I can’t stand the thought of not living here.”
She nodded and hugged Cami close to her. “I know.”
Kate suggested that Cami move to Seattle and work for her company. Kate ran a consulting firm that offered recommendations for businesses to streamline or improve their profits and practices and find ways to secure their market niches. Cami had no interest in doing that. She knew a real success awaited her, right at her fingertips, one that many would have killed for and yet, she really didn’t want it. They were only months away from Charlie finally being finished with college. Months. No longer years. She thought it would never end. But soon, in a matter of months, Charlie would be home for good. Hell no would she move to Seattle to work at Kate’s firm. No. In a matter of months, she and Charlie could start their lives together for real, and it began with just freaking being together. She could not wait. His time with his now close friends Dawson, Tyrell, Rupport and even Rosalie and also her friends was over. He still maintained a straight A average and would graduate with honors. He was just as impressive as his potential suggested he would always be.
Cami stuck it out with him and she managed it. She never liked or got used to it, but she did it. She survived without making their separations a crying fest of guilt, even if she secretly wanted to do that. For the last three years, she was living in what felt like a holding pattern, and the only thing to change it or break the monotony was Charlie coming home or her visiting him. But she knew she couldn’t go there too often. If she quit her lame job, she’d get chastised by everyone, including AJ a
nd Kate, even Charlie.
It was so damn important to everyone. So, she kept working at it all to keep her busy as she waited for Charlie to be done with school, so their real lives could start. That is what all this was building towards. All this time and all these sacrifices were finally getting near an ending.
Until Charlie started hinting over the summer he might want to look into graduate school. And then talking seriously about applying. Then soon, he was applying to them and fully intended to go to one. Even further away than Stanford. Possibly on the east coast.
Her heart flatlined. No. She’d suffered enough already by supporting his BA degree from Stanford. As if that weren’t impressive enough to get him a really good, decent-paying job almost anywhere. Especially if he brought his degree home. She knew of no one else with such an impressive degree under his belt.
But more schooling? No.
Cami couldn’t wait for years. Not anymore. Not again. But of course, they weren’t married. He didn’t need her opinion or her permission. He explained his plans, ideas, dreams, and hopes to her. What did she do? She smiled and cared and supported him and listened. She didn’t give voice to the scream that constantly rang in her head. NO. No more. Just fucking come home. She was tired of going back and forth. Of him being a student. Hanging with his friends. She wanted to be adults with Charlie now and move forward way past being in school. She wanted them both to get jobs and find a place to live and they should start doing just that: being adults together. As a couple. For real.
But of course, she didn’t express any of that. Still not the right time yet. She did not want to appear clingy and pathetic or needy to him.
So she kept silent as fall progressed. She sometimes wondered how he could not possibly know how she felt about that. She knew how he’d feel about almost everything, yet sometimes, he didn’t fully comprehend how she felt. Especially if it didn’t fit in easily and tidily with his plans or what he wanted. Yes, Charlie knew her. But Charlie didn’t always seem to know her as she was today, or how her feelings changed from when she was thirteen, fifteen, and eighteen.
