by Leanne Davis
Charlie was always loyal, kind, loving, and wonderful to her. He communicated as often as he could with her and never hid her from others in his life or vice versa. It wasn’t all bad, but just harder than she liked. She was looking forward to a change.
He came home for Thanksgiving as usual. By now, their families weren’t shocked by the fact that they were twenty-two and twenty-three years old and having sex. She was even allowed to stay at the Rydells’ house. It was awkward at first. Coming out of Charlie’s room to breakfast with Erin and Jack left her blushing and stumbling over her words, not to mention being unable to meet their eyes. But they treated her as they always had and eventually, she knew it was okay. AJ and Kate even allowed Charlie to stay with her.
Charlie came home for Christmas and as usual, that month was the highlight of her year. In fact, it was even better because Cami kept chanting in her head that this was the last time. Next year, he’d be home for good. Living with her. She truly believed that. She had to believe that.
****
“Cami? I have to tell you about something.”
“What?” Her heart dipped. Did he do something wrong? No, she couldn’t picture that, but an odd stabbing pierced her heart. She ignored it. No. She knew better than to doubt him.
“Well, there’s a company based out of Hamburg, Germany and they have a graduate program here. They offer a scholarship opportunity every other year to one student. They will pay for my master’s degree in economics from the University of Hamburg and also provide me with an internship the first year and a paid position in the second. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance.”
“You want to apply for this?”
He cleared his throat. “No, I already did, and I was chosen.”
She shut her eyes as the pain and disappointment ripped through her. Two more years. Not just two years working on his master’s degree but doing it from another country. His return meant so much to her. Charlie’s news changed the entire forecast and direction of her life. She shook her head. No. She didn’t want that. Not at all. She had nothing left in her emotionally and she failed to be supportive. She could not be his cheerleader while she waited another two years right there. Holding her breath in River’s End while Charlie followed his dreams until he had the desire to want to be exclusively with her.
Her heart banged into her rib cage. She should have been exclaiming her joy that he was chosen from all the other applicants. It sounded like a huge honor that few received and yet, Charlie did it. But her heart was so low now, she couldn’t find the words to fake a happy answer.
“Charlie, that’s very far away. And such a long time.”
“It’s only two years. This will firmly establish our future, Cams.”
“It’ll make our immediate future too far away.”
“We’ll be all of twenty-five. That’s not exactly old.”
Wilting onto her floor, Cami was glad they were on the phone and unable to see each other. Tears streamed from her eyes unchecked. She couldn’t stop them. She wiped them and her nose but ignored the urge to sniffle. She had to be silent. He couldn’t know she was literally on her floor right then, weeping with sadness. Grief. Exhaustion. She simply could not do that for another two years.
He would be in a foreign country. Clear across the world. She managed to get through it when he was in relatively close driving distance and look how hard that had been. But two years with an ocean separating them? No, he hadn’t prepared her for that, or given her any warning.
“It was a long shot. I didn’t think I would win, and that’s why I didn’t mention it or tell you about it. No sense in upsetting you because I truly never dreamed I’d be chosen. But now that I was, it’s a huge honor and a chance of a lifetime. Getting my graduate school paid for and an internship and a job? This would open up my career and the sky would be the limit. I want this so much, Cami. Please… understand. It’s not about leaving you, it’s about adding something to my life, something I never thought I could.”
But like always, Charlie wasn’t asking for her permission. He was doing it regardless. She knew that, deep in her gut, he’d support her through anything and never cheat on her, but he would not let her interfere with his education. Or how and where he got it. That was Charlie’s line in the sand and she knew it so she didn’t dare cross it. But this time, she knew it would not be so easy to deal with. She wasn’t even sure she could do it.
She wasn’t willing to do it anymore. She could no longer fucking wait. And wait. And wait some more for Charlie Rydell.
What then, could she do? How could she stop herself from waiting? How could she force Charlie to quit making her wait?
Deep down, she knew that nothing could make Charlie reverse his decision. She was stuck and destined to be alone for two more years, unless she broke up with him. That was her only choice.
And since there was no choice in that for her, as she would not break up with him… here she was back waiting. She had to choose Charlie, and she knew that as much as she knew her own identity. It was as simple as that. She was tired of waiting, of putting her desires on hold. Sick of Charlie not even consulting her opinion before he changed their entire lives and timelines to being together.
Nasty, rude words sat on the tip of her tongue to spill out to Charlie. Vile. Hateful. Truly reprehensible things crossed her mind. Things four years ago she would have said to anyone but him. She didn’t say stuff like this—the “real” Cami stuff—to Charlie. No. That was for a different time in her life. A time she no longer embodied.
So instead of doing as she wanted or even saying anything true to her feelings, to her heart, to her desires, to her wishes, instead all she said was, “I am so proud and happy for you. I believe you are one in a million and that’s why you were chosen. See? That just proves it.”
“I don’t see how I can say no to this. I can’t refuse such an opportunity.”
She nodded, and more tears spilled. Luckily, he couldn’t see her. “No, you can’t say no,” she agreed, even though Charlie Rydell once more was putting her off, failing to consult her, and breaking off another chunk of her heart. “Of course you can’t. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
It just had nothing to do with her, but it did have the effect of changing the course of her life, her destiny as much as it improved and fulfilled his.
She just wondered at what point she would matter to their destiny.
Would there ever be a time when her life didn’t hinge on waiting out Charlie’s plans? Plans she just didn’t quite ever fit into.
Chapter Nine
CHARLIE GLANCED UP WHEN a knock rapped on the apartment door. Pushing away from his desk where he was buried up to his neck in books while cramming for mid-terms and writing two papers that were due, he realized no one else was around. He opened the door and was floored to find Cami standing there.
“Cams?” Puzzled, he stared at her for a long moment.
She stood idly, shuffling her feet and staring down. He sighed. After three-and-a-half years, he still hadn’t convinced her she had complete control of his heart and never should have felt shy, awkward, or wonder if she were disturbing him.
“Hey.” She shrugged as she raised her hands up. “Surprise.”
He leaned forward to take her hand and draw her to him, wrapping her up in a huge hug that lifted her off her feet. He kissed her mouth, long and hard, and her breath tasted like mint. She laughed when he raised his lips long enough to nibble on her lower lip and kiss her cheeks before moving over to her ear. “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but I can’t think of a better surprise.”
She giggled and shook her head. “I just wanted to see you, and I decided I could. Right? I mean, every once in a while, we cannot be held responsible and we have to break some rules, right? I don’t usually take advantage of my job by just taking off and leaving it.”
“Whatever you did to get here, I’m glad you did.”
She beamed as she glanced around. �
�Where is everyone?”
“Taking a study break before getting themselves so blind drunk that they won’t be able to study.”
“And you, of course, intend to finish your studying first.”
He beamed at her. Her tone was so dry as she easily summed up the situation. “Yep.” He swung the door shut and pulled her into his room. She dropped her overnight bag on his bed.
“Do you have any tests tomorrow?”
“Just one and a paper that’s due.”
“I knew I should have called first.” She bit her lip.
“It’s okay, I’m almost done. Let me finish the paper and print it and then you can quiz me for the test and then I’ll be done, okay? Maybe take an hour? Tops?”
She nodded, her gaze wavering. “I really shouldn’t have done this.”
“You really should have,” he grinned. “Just give me an hour, and then I’m all yours.”
He loved how she always respected whatever work he had to do. She understood deadlines and test days weren’t things he could control but very necessary to his school career. Work had to be done even if it often interfered with their plans and phone calls.
“Okay. I’ll get some dinner. Have you eaten in the last day?”
He pointed at a box. “Pizza. The college student’s staple. You sure?”
“I’m sure.” She left, and he quickly started scanning his paper, knowing he was blowing through it. He felt stupidly excited to see her. It had been almost two months, but it seemed so much longer this time. Probably because it was the middle of the damn winter and everything was dark and dull and boring.
Charlie fudged through enough that he was sure his perfect grade point average would not be tarnished, and Cami came back in. She was licking a frozen chocolate bar on a stick. She bit into it and the vanilla ice cream encased in the dark chocolate squished and dribbled down her chin and fell onto her shirt. He got up, laughing at her as he touched the spot on her shirt and she glanced down, scowling at the stain. He leaned forward and sucked the ice cream off her chin. “You know, you’re like twenty-three now, right? You’re not supposed to look quite so adorable eating ice cream. And it’s the middle of winter. Why are you eating ice cream?”
Her shoulders bumped up and down in her coat. She unzipped it and started to shrug out of it, one sleeve at a time. She took another bite and chewed the frozen dessert some more. “It sounded good,” she mumbled. He kissed her again and she paused to let him, while long moments passed. When he finished, she leaned her head back. “Does this mean you’re done?”
“It only means I’m not going to flunk. That’s good enough for me.”
She pushed him back. “My ice cream bar is melting.” He let her go and she started licking and scooping up the dripping vanilla ice cream with her tongue. She stuck the last bite in her mouth and smacked her lips before she went into the bathroom to wash up. Coming back out, she dried her hands on her coat before taking it off. She sat on the bed and the mattress bounced when she bumped up and down gently.
He started to approach her, but she shook her head and put a hand up. “Wait… can we talk? Could you sit over there? I’m nervous and that’ll make it easier for me.”
“Okay, so this isn’t just a happy surprise visit because you missed me?”
Her head shook again. “No. Not at all.”
His eyebrows shot upwards. “What then? What’s going on, Cami? Are you okay?”
“Not really,” she said softly. Tears filled her eyes and she blinked several times. It was automatic for him to get up and go to her. She noticed he started to and she vigorously shook her head while putting up her hand as if to say, stop. He did and sat back down.
More serious now, he asked, “Cami? What is it?”
“You make it harder when you sound so concerned.”
“Because I am concerned. What is it? You can tell me anything. Haven’t you always?”
“Yes. That’s why this is so hard.”
“Tell me then.”
She stared down at her hands, twisting her fingertips together, then apart, together, and apart. She swallowed and kept her eyes averted as she sucked in a breath. “I’m not sure how to say this.”
His stomach started to knot up. There wasn’t anything he could think of that might upset her so much or make her act afraid to speak to him. It seemed out of this world to consider she would have cheated on him. No, they loved each other too much and no, he wasn’t naive or hoodwinked. He knew she would not cheat on him. What then?
“Just say it.”
“I… I realized…” Breathe again. Her shoulders hunched forward.
“You realized what?” he prompted.
She jerked and closed her eyes as the words spilled out as fast as she could speak. “I realized last week that I’m pregnant.”
He stared at her, waiting. For her to… what? Deny it? Make more sense to him? Say she was kidding? He blinked several times.
“Charlie?” she whispered his name and barely lifted her eyes high enough to catch his. “Charlie? Did you hear me?”
He swallowed and nodded. “I heard you say you… you think you’re pregnant?”
“N-not think. I know I am. I’m pregnant.” Her shoulders rounded again, and she hung her head. She had no confidence in what she was saying. “I’m so sorry.”
He closed his eyes as the meaning of her words fully slammed into his brain. He leaned his chin forward until it fell on his chest. Arms crossed defiantly, he tried to let her life-changing words seep into him. He kept shaking his head all the while because his stomach was in knots and twisting with denial. No. No. That was the one thing he’d always been so careful of and so sure he didn’t want. How could it now be happening? All those years ago, he was scared to give complete control of that issue over to Cami. The stupid birth control pills worried him. But as time went by and things were okay, he started to accept it. But now?
His breath released. No.
Just no.
His whole life flashed in his mind. Immediately, everything he ever worked for and wanted exploded in his face. All the things he’d accomplished and still wanted to achieve, along with his dreams and desires, were incinerated by a single sentence.
He lifted his head up, his eyes growing wide as his mouth dropped open in disbelief. This was obviously the last thing he ever expected to hear from her. He woke up this morning to study for a test, and now was he about to end the day by learning he was about to become a father?
“What… what should we do?”
“Charlie…” her voice drifted off. “You know…” her voice cracked as she tried again, “You know I can’t…” She started trembling and tears flooded her eyelids. “I can’t get rid of it.”
He shook out of his reverie at hearing her pained voice. She looked sick and pale and terrified of him. This was happening to her too. He got up and sat down beside her, putting his arm around her slim, small shoulders. He knew this had to be much harder on her than it was for him. Pulling her against him, he kissed the side of her head. “I know. I know, honey. This has to bring up a lot of painful issues for you. Besides I would never ask you to do that. Not you.”
Her shoulders shrugged under his touch. “Yes. I feel guilty, even if I didn’t plan it or want it, it still happened. It was still the end result.”
She had already told him about what happened when she was barely thirteen. One night, while she was drinking heavily, she told Charlie what occurred before she came to live with Kate and AJ. It was never reported in her medical records. Or anywhere else. She was tortured, and she suffered, but no one ever knew about it. No one except Charlie, at that point.
Later on, she finally told Kate what happened to her. She had sex with a boy voluntarily and she claimed there was no rape, but also no supervision. He was just a kid her age who showed her kindness, attention, and care, so they had sex. When her mom found out she was pregnant, she drugged Cami. Cami didn’t remember too much about it. Her mother brought in some
one to perform an abortion on Cami. She’d awoken to bleeding and pain and was screaming with fear. But she got no help. She was lucky she didn’t die from an infection, which was perhaps a miracle. Her mom kept her locked up in her room for a week and fed her pain killers and antibiotics.
She returned to school and never told anyone. They moved shortly afterwards, and her mother was arrested again. Cami had to endure another abusive boyfriend of her mother’s and she relapsed into silence. There was never anyone to tell of her unhappiness. Six months later, her mother, Parker, died of an overdose.
The day Cami told Charlie the entire story, she finished in tears, saying, “It was the happiest day of my life when my mother finally died.”
Charlie stayed beside her. They were at the beach, staring out over the water. It was dark, and they had enjoyed a summer barbecue and a bonfire with their friends before everyone else left. She’d been drinking before they started talking. Somehow, her past came up in conversation and she finally decided to tell Charlie the whole thing. Tears spilled from her eyes as he held her tightly against him.
“Do you hate me?” she asked, lifting her huge, wet eyes up to look at him. He’d already been crushing on her for the past two years, but this? His heart melted. He didn’t understand all the details, but he knew it caused her a lot of emotional damage.
“Never. You were just a kid. Cami, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“She said I did. She called me coat hanger after that. I don’t know why… probably to remind me she tricked me into having an abortion. It was so… so mean, Charlie. Who does that to their own kid? I didn’t know what was happening, and her response was to do that to me?”
“She could have killed you, you know.”
“She could have. And perhaps that’s why I didn’t care when she died. And when I found out I had a dad out there somewhere, I hurt so much inside. I was so embarrassed by what I’d done and what she’d done to me. When she died, there I was all alone until I came here to the ranch. I was so unsure of everyone’s reaction to me.” She gulped, staring at him. “Nothing sad or bad that happened to me ever really had any resolution. I just encountered more bad and sad things that got piled on top of the older stuff. I never expected when I came here, that everyone would show me a different way of life. Most of all, I never expected to be loved. I know I’m kinda fucked up, Charlie, but in so many ways you can’t imagine, you, Kate and AJ even, have healed something inside me. Just knowing people like you guys existed helped me so much.”
