by Leanne Davis
That was why Charlie was so hesitant to start having sex with her. He believed her previous high school hook-ups in River’s End were not for the sake of having sex, but because she was still working through the damage her mother had inflicted on her. That she’d been sexually active at twelve years old and pregnant at thirteen threw him. They had such contrasting childhoods, you couldn’t even compare them, as if they came from two different planets.
But now? She’d just said she was pregnant, right now. Today. The words barely registered. The words made him shudder. “I’m sorry, it’s hard to process… or believe. I mean, I thought the pills were nearly one hundred percent effective. I should have never stopped using condoms. God damn it. I’m so sorry to put you into a situation like this.”
She sniffed. “Don’t. Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Don’t apologize to me or be so kind and understanding.”
He kissed the top of her head. “Again, I know what happened to you. Of course, I’m going to react kindly and with love.”
“I was never sexually abused. You know that, right?”
“Yes.”
“I wanted to have sex, but I had no idea it led to my mom forcing an abortion on me.”
“You were a kid who had been neglected and abused in other ways. You were just looking for help or some kind of emotional connection or whatever you want to call it, and in all the wrong places. You see that, right? Your mother was… I don’t even have words to explain her shortcomings. That’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever heard a mother doing to her daughter.”
Tears flowed down her cheeks and Cami sniffled. He wiped them away. His heart was heavy with disappointment and sadness for her… and for him too. “God damn. I just can’t believe this. I should have been more responsible.” He shook his head in self-recrimination.
“Don’t…” Cami took in a shuddering breath. “Don’t… please, it’s… it’s so hard when you insist on taking all the blame. I can’t… I have to…”
“You don’t have to do anything. We’ll figure something out. I’m just sorry it came to this.”
Silence filled the room as she huddled against him. When she finally pushed off him, she was shaking her head, crying harder, and saying, “I’m not!” and the words seemed to erupt from her. “I’m not sorry. I was careless… I didn’t mean for this to happen… but I didn’t exactly… well, I wasn’t as careful as I should have been. We don’t get to see each other for months.” She wailed out the last word. “And I hate it. I kind of forgot to take them sometimes, but I was not intending for anything to happen and then I started feeling so crummy and my period hasn’t come—”
“You… you did this on purpose?”
“I—I don’t know. I just… I—”
His breathing escalated, and he leaned forward, rubbing his hands over his face and shaking his head until he jumped to his feet. Unwilling to listen to her fumbling excuses and stuttering lies. Staring at her, he seemed disillusioned, shocked and rocked to his core. He inexplicably pushed her aside and walked out of the bedroom before slamming his apartment door shut and walking off.
****
Cami’s breathing escalated after finally finding the courage to force the words out of her throat. She hadn’t decided if she would admit the pregnancy wasn’t exactly tragic or totally unwanted by her. But she never expected Charlie to start apologizing, somehow believing he were responsible for causing her trauma.
She flopped back onto his bed and stared at her feet as her stomach acid rushed up into her throat. She’d already had an abortion although she never wanted one. If it had been entirely up to her, she never would have considered having one, especially at the tender age of thirteen. Her mother forced it on her, and Cami never heard of anyone’s mother doing that to her daughter. Imagine forcing your own child to undergo a dangerous medical procedure without anesthesia or even a real doctor. Then locking her up for days on end to make sure she healed well enough that she did not require a hospital visit or even a proper doctor’s examination.
Cami had to fight the urge to start hurting herself after that ordeal. Not from depression, however. No. It stemmed from a rage she couldn’t put into words. If she were bleeding from her wrists or legs or arms, someone would surely have taken her to the hospital, wouldn’t they? She longed to tell the medical staff what her mother had done to her. She wished they could examine her to verify her mother’s cruelty, She decided that she had to tell someone. She’d get revenge and hopefully, some justice. She actually intended to send her mother to prison.
But she didn’t tell a soul. She was too scared. Always too scared. What if they blamed her? Or no one believed her? What if they took her away and put her in foster care? She hated her mom, yes, but that woman was all she had. She endured a bad childhood where the only constant was the very woman who exposed Cami to all the bad stuff. And oddly, it made her scared to not have her mom. They moved around a lot. Cami witnessed things no kid should ever be exposed to, from her mother doing drugs right in front of her to allowing Cami to listen to her screwing strange men.
Cami was overjoyed when she found a boy at school that liked her. They quietly sneaked off to have sex and then nature took over and the rest of her trauma unfolded.
Now she knew she could finally make it right. A decade after her first pregnancy, now she believed she could handle it. After all, she was with a man she loved and adored, one whom she regarded as the highest caliber person she’d ever known. He embodied everything good and right in the world. She longed to make up for the innocent life her mother killed while it was still inside her body.
Years ago, after learning the gamut of cruel torture Cami endured at her mother’s hands, Kate took Cami to the doctor for a complete work-up. Horrified to learn what happened to her, both the nurse and the doctor were extra gentle, tender, and kind. Cami underwent all the tests and exams, which thankfully, determined she had no diseases or permanent damage. Somehow, her mother hadn’t managed to kill or sterilize her, although she easily could have.
Now… oh, God. What would Charlie do now? What if he dumped her? He’d have to. She betrayed him. She leaned forward, bending at the waist. That was why she couldn’t reveal the whole truth. But she failed to keep it to herself for even an hour. She’d surely lose him now. And be all alone. She’d have the baby alone, at Charlie’s family home. It could only ruin his life. And hers. Definitely, their relationship. Somehow, she convinced herself it wasn’t that bad, but now she knew it was. Oh, God. It was so negligent of her.
Numb and confused, she rose to her feet and stuck her arms in her jacket, zipping it up before she started to leave the apartment. She walked down the stairs and into the cold, clear night. Stars shone high overhead and her breath looked like smoke when it emerged from her mouth.
Cami walked and walked, stopping dead in her tracks when she spotted Charlie sitting on a bench. He was staring out towards the campus. She froze, wondering what to do. But like a trooper, she steeled her heart and nerves. She deserved whatever his reaction might be.
She sat beside him on the bench. He didn’t acknowledge her. The silence felt like a brick wall between them.
Finally, when her hands went numb, Charlie said, “I always feel sorry for you when I think of what happened when you were thirteen. Were you counting on that?”
“I don’t know.”
“That… this is the one thing I didn’t want. You knew that. You always knew that. There was no secret about it. Yet, you risked it anyway.”
“I didn’t. I didn’t mean to do it on purpose. I just didn’t… I wasn’t as conscientious as I had been in the past to make sure it did not happen.”
“Semantics. A weak, stupid excuse for passively and irresponsibly and completely violating my trust. Of course you did it on purpose.”
She hunched forward, rubbing her hands together. “Probably. Yes. It’s probably exactly as you say.”
He sighed as he rested his el
bows on his knees, gazing down at his feet. “Why? Why did you do that? What did you think would happen?” His voice cracked when he asked her why.
“I was hoping for a baby,” she said simply, quietly, and with a heavy, hardening heart. “I want one, Charlie. I want to have one now. I want to be a mom.”
“Because you couldn’t at age thirteen? Come off it, Cami. I’m not ignoring what you went through and all, but you shouldn’t have been a mother then either. Your mother should have been locked up for what she did to you. But what did you do? Did you betray me in order to right that wrong?”
“Is it really that bad? I betrayed you?” Her voice was low and sad. She seemed lost.
“Yes, it really is that bad. But don’t…” An edginess, like sharpened steel, tainted his words. “Don’t you dare play contrite now or scared or sorry even. You knew it was a betrayal to me. You knew that, Cami. Don’t you dare deny that.”
Tears filled her eyes and she shuddered. “Charlie… are you… Oh, God, are you breaking up with me?”
“Why shouldn’t I, Cami? You tricked me and betrayed me. Putting me in a position I explicitly said I never wanted to be caught in. You deliberately ignored our plan to prevent that. So please. Why don’t you tell me, why I shouldn’t break up with you?”
“Because I love you.” Cami’s statement sounded weak and hollow from her lips and immediately emphasized how useless her excuse really was.
“It doesn’t feel like love right now.”
That gutted her like a fish. She sniffled and hot tears rolled down her face and clogged her throat. Panicked now, she started speaking rapidly, “I didn’t think you’d really break up with me. I’ll… I’ll… no. Please, don’t break up with me, Charlie. I’ll fix it. I’ll get rid of it. If it’s you or… or this, of course, I choose you. I will always choose you.” She started to blubber and cry, her voice a moan of pleading and pathetic desperation. She never expected him to accuse her of betrayal, or think he’d react like this. Never. He seemed to hate and despise her. He was ready to leave her.
He sighed heavily, and the sound made her pause as she hugged her middle and cried.
“Stop it!” he snapped. “This isn’t about you, not right this second. It’s about me. So, stop crying and threatening to do something you know damn well you don’t intend to do. You just want to coerce me into saying I want you to have it so you won’t do that. Well, fuck, Cami, as a child, you were forced to have an abortion. What kind of monster would I be if I insisted you have another one?”
She sat back, utterly shocked at hearing him swear and the fierce tone of his voice. Her tears eventually stopped falling and she stared at him, bug-eyed.
“Yeah. So obviously, I’m not going to do that and you’re not going to have one. So quit with the theatrics. Can’t you just give me an hour or more to process this? I have to adjust to it. Can’t I be the one who needs something from you for once?”
“Wh—what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean? What can I do? Apparently, I’m going to be a father. I am about to embark on the journey of parenthood.”
She cringed at the cruel sarcasm in his voice. “You mean, you’re not dumping me?”
“No. That didn’t even occur to me. Judging by your desperation, however, maybe it should have crossed my mind. But stupid, silly me. I believed it when we agreed we were in this thing for always. Except, I wouldn’t have purposely hurt or betrayed you. So maybe that should have been my first thought. I’m so fucking pissed off at you right now. And you know what? This may astound you, but Cami, I have every right to be. So just for once, can you let me fucking be? Leave me be. I don’t have the strength anymore to make you feel better. I can’t fix you or help you or reassure you, not when it comes to something like this. Just please. Leave me alone.” There was no yelling. Charlie’s voice sounded tightly strung but mostly, sad.
Cami nearly dropped to her knees beside him in relief. She tried to hold herself together. She was suddenly aware of how bad she was in comparison to him. Obviously, there was an unhealthy balance and she needed him much more than he needed her. “I’ll go. I’ll go home and leave you… to…”
He sighed heavily, shutting his eyes. “Can you ever just try to be reasonable? It’s eleven-thirty at night. I didn’t mean for you to go home. I meant, just go back to my room.”
“But where will you sleep?”
“In my room, when I’m good and ready.”
“You can still stand to be near me?”
His jaw clenched in physical irritation. “I’m near you right now, aren’t I? Just go to bed, Cami. I’ll come in when I’m ready.”
“Charlie…”
“Look. You did this. We now have to do this together. I instantly accepted that. But I can be mad too, Cami. I don’t have to feel happy or relieved, do I? I don’t have to feel anything right now. Not at this moment. And I don’t. I’m numb. When I’m ready, we’ll discuss what to do and how to do it, but that’s not right now. Not tonight either. Give me that much time.”
She scrambled to her feet. “Okay.” She licked her lips. She had so much she still wanted to say, which included her pleading for his forgiveness. She also wanted more reassurance he really wouldn’t dump her. She longed for a hug and what he normally did with her. But she knew that wasn’t going to happen.
Still… he hadn’t dumped her. Overwhelmed by fear, Cami all at once realized how betrayed Charlie felt and the revelation stabbed her in the gut. She couldn’t lose him. She was awash with regret, never having anticipated such a horrible reaction or so much anger and grief as she now felt. That was not the way to make it happen. The birth of a child should be joyful and wanted by both parents, an expression of hope and their undying love. Not like too angry and sad people who instantly react by fighting and trying to figure out how to overcome it.
She stared back at Charlie’s hunched figure in the cold, dark night. A light drizzle started to fall. She sniffled as she stared at him and fresh tears of sad longing fell down her cheeks. He was right, every single word he said. Her heart squeezed, wishing she could make him feel happy about it or even ambivalent. She’d gratefully have settled for that. But what did she really expect? That he’d be glad? He never kidded about not wanting to have a baby.
Duh. Of course he wasn’t kidding. She shivered and pressed her arms tighter around her middle, feeling unsafe. She didn’t like having Charlie so angry at her. It was unprecedented. Maybe that’s why it felt so bad. In the future, it would be something she’d have to avoid at all costs.
She entered the apartment as stealthily as a burglar and slipped off her coat and clothes. She put on her flannel pants and a shirt before climbing into his bed. At least, he didn’t kick her out tonight although she deserved it. But Charlie was always Charlie, the best stand-up guy she knew. Of course, he wouldn’t do anything that could hurt her. Or physically punish her. It wasn’t how Charlie operated. It was also another reason why she needed and loved him so much. Perhaps too much.
Later, she felt his weight dipping the mattress down as he slid in beside her. His body was freezing and the cold emanated off his skin. Her eyelids popped open when his arms wrapped around her waist and he snuggled up behind her. She tilted her head up. His chin was above her head.
“I thought you’d never come near me again.”
“I’m cold and you’re warm.”
“I didn’t think you could stand to touch me again.”
He sighed and set his mouth right at her ear. “I have loved you for almost a decade. When are you ever just going to believe that?”
She shut her eyes and blinked the tears that nearly fell back in. She nodded. “I didn’t do it to trap you, Charlie. I think it was more to try and heal myself.”
“You have to understand, I’m not happy about this. It isn’t a blessing to me or a wonderful surprise. But I had a hand in it too.”
“You mean, because you trusted me with the birth control?”
“
Yes. And realize this, clearly, you chose to break that trust. I won’t forget that. Certainly not by tomorrow.”
She tried to swallow the huge, emotional lump that was lodged in her throat. Tears fell down onto his arm, which he lay under her head. He sighed when he felt them. Cami tensed up and he nudged her leg.
“Stop it. There is plenty of shit here to deal with. And to do that, you first need to grow the hell up, Cami. We have to discuss some pretty hard things, and you can’t break down and start crying or ask me for my reassurance all the time. This is going to require that you take a leap of faith and start believing how I feel about you so I don’t constantly have to remind you. I haven’t complained about your constant need for reassurance in the past. But with a baby on the way, I don’t have the time or energy for that. So, things will be changing between us. And that’s just what has to happen now.”
“Oh, shit,” she muttered softly. “How do you manage to articulate reality so fast?”
“It’s just how I am. You know that. You always count on me to take care of everything, make it work. But no more. You’re going to have to start doing some of that for yourself.”
She nodded. “Okay…”
“Yeah, I know, it’s overwhelming. Where do you start? I know. But here we are. I have three tests this week and I start a lab on Friday, so I can’t come home right now. But you have to. So, you need to immediately tell AJ and Kate because—”
“I can’t. They’ll be—”
“Stop it. That’s the kind of stuff I don’t have time for now. Figure it out, Cami. Just tell them. Quit being such a child.”
