by Leanne Davis
Jack’s face scrunched up. “I can’t imagine my old man doing that to me when Lily and I were preparing to have Ben.”
“It was different back then. And he wasn’t married to Erin. She deserves this.”
“I know. That’s why I agreed. Until… it happened. I was going to tell you in a few weeks. And then to hear you make the same announcement. That was part of my reaction. Erin and I sat there clutching hands and our eyes grew huge. I knew exactly what she was thinking… How could we all be pregnant at the same time? It’s weird. So damn weird. A grandchild that we are soon to have and now another child for us. I really don’t do well in this kind of set-up or drama.”
Charlie started to laugh. Hard. He laughed so hard, he had to bend over, and tears fell from his eyes. “Neither am I. But look at us. We were already a weird, blended family, with aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters all mixed up. Add in Cami’s mom being my aunt and yeah. It all gets even weirder.”
Jack first stared at him, looking puzzled and visibly upset. Then he too started to laugh. They laughed so long, they both were gasping for breath. Eventually, the wave of hysteria started to pass. “Well, talk about going through the same thing together…” Charlie finished.
“I feared that Jocelyn would pop up pregnant and Ben and I would be the new fathers. But I didn’t think you and I—”
“No, no. It wasn’t the reality I envisioned as late as last week.” Charlie finally calmed down enough to act serious now. “You’re happy though? You want to have a baby with Erin?”
His dad nodded. “I do. I have so much baggage with it. It embarrasses me a little bit, mostly with you boys, I mean, you grown men. To see your father like this, it can’t be easy. But I’m happy, yeah. Erin started crying when she realized she was pregnant. Seeing her happy since she deserves only the best, makes me happy too. Her history wasn’t very happy. So yeah, I am glad. It’s just still news to me and something I have to get used to, but my excitement is definitely starting to percolate.”
“You should be excited, Dad.” Charlie answered.
His dad smiled and stared downwards. “Thank you, Charlie, you can’t imagine how much your support means to me. Probably more than mine means to you.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Charlie said quietly. “At least, you gave me some news to tell Cami that I hope might break the block of ice between us.”
“Don’t be too hard on her. Considering her history, I’m surprised she didn’t turn out more screwed up or broken than she already is.”
“What do you know about it?”
“Most of it. Kate told us, years ago. She stole something from Erin and in the course of addressing that issue, other things came out. I honestly didn’t think you even knew back then, although I assume now you must know.”
“She isn’t screwed up. A little confused or unsure and a little bit fragile. But it’s not like… no, she’s not screwed up.”
“I know that, Charlie. I’m hoping you’ll remember that. She misses you a lot when you’re not here. She gets very lonely. And you’d planned to move across the world from her. That’s no small thing. What she did wasn’t right, but maybe she simply made a mistake.”
I’ll keep that in mind.” He exhaled. “I’d better make nice with AJ.”
“He’ll come around too.”
“Well, I guess we’d both best check on our pregnant significant others,” Charlie said, raising his eyebrows for levity at the situation.
What else could his dad do but freaking laugh?
He exited the barn and they separated. Something struck Charlie: it never occurred to either of them that he’d stay home. He didn’t reside with his dad and Erin anymore. He stayed with Cami. It was a slow switch and not spontaneous, but he now spent more time at her house than at theirs.
Walking the opposite way of his dad, Charlie knew he wasn’t a teenager any longer. He wasn’t the younger son of his dad and Erin anymore either. Their home wasn’t his anymore. No. Cami’s was. For good or bad. Anger or ecstasy. Annoyed or happy. He went to find Cami. He was all grown up, and soon to be a father. There was no choice and no getting around it. So, he might as well accept it and deal with it instead of trying to go against it.
But first, he wanted to see the one person who could best help him deal with his anger.
****
“Erin’s pregnant. Can you believe it?” Charlie said the moment Ben opened their front door. They lived in a loft apartment that was added when Ben first married Marcy. Now, he and Jocelyn and Lillian lived there.
Ben’s eyes widened into two round discs. “Are you for real? Are you sure?”
“Dad just told me while blushing and stammering like he was sixteen. He was so afraid how we’d react. It was pretty funny.”
Ben opened the door wider, frowning. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway? I didn’t know you were coming home.”
“Cami’s pregnant too.” This time, Charlie didn’t smile, and his tone was low and confidential. Ben’s mouth became an “O,” matching his round eyes.
“Come in. Jocelyn’s at work and Lillian’s at Shane and Allison’s. You caught me alone, which is rare.”
Charlie plopped onto the sofa and shook his head, letting his shoulders drop forward. Ben set a hand on his back as he sat down next to him. “You weren’t kidding? About Erin or Cami?”
Miserable, and with little energy, his head shook as Charlie replied, “No.”
“Accident, I presume. For you I mean. That is a lot to process. So, I’m going to be an uncle and a… a brother? And all within a few weeks’ span?”
He nodded. “Appears so. Erin’s pregnant. After all these years, what? Fourteen? She’s finally ready and wants one. In my teens, I wondered if they would pop up with one and I usually resented the thought, you know, being young and selfish and all. I didn’t like the idea of living with a baby. But they never did, and Erin was so adamant about not having one. I guess she changed her mind. Or decided she could have one. Dad’s on board, but really freaked out because he’s so old and we’re so old.”
“And he’s got grandkids. Damn. That’s oddly progressive for Dad. Blended family and now a second family. Wow. I feel a little weird about it.”
“I’m sure it was a secret and he planned to tell you and me together or something. He just told me after Cami and I asked everyone to sit down so we could tell them about us. It’s just… it was hard not to segue into that.”
“Yeah, no kidding. So… you and Cami? For real? An accident, I assume?”
“I wish. It would make it easier. She didn’t take her pills, after three solid years of loyal prevention. So, I’d say it was on purpose.”
His eyebrows shot upwards. “I would not suspect Cami of doing that. Marcy did.”
“Believe me, I’ve thought of that. I hated Marcy so much.”
“So did I. She poked holes in my condoms. However, I used the same condoms to cheat on her, so karma’s a bitch, huh?”
“And damn. Did I give you crap about it. I couldn’t let it go. I was so disgusted. Now, look at me. She didn’t put holes in my rubbers, but her version was nearly as sneaky and manipulative. I didn’t foresee it.” Charlie shook his head and shuffled his feet as he leaned forward to push his hands into his hair with distress. “I’m struggling with that. Bad. I was furious at first and she assumed I would dump her. Well, her incessant tears and pathetic pleas were enough to make me shut my mouth. You know how fragile she can be…” His words trailed off as his head shook. “She’s not like Jocelyn. But she did that, and I don’t know how to handle it. I pretended to be nice in front of all the parents. I supported her, and I keep trying to. But I’m so damn angry, Ben. If I could act exactly how I felt, I’d freaking yell until I was hoarse, and maybe break a few things. Just to vent. You know? Let it out. Expel some of it. But even when I promised I wouldn’t leave her or break up with her, she still has issues, so I don’t get to react honestly. You know? Not like how I want to.”
<
br /> “It was sort of the same for me. But I deserved it a lot more than you. I left here believing I was grieving Marcy’s death and being with Jocelyn when I shouldn’t have been, only to come back to a baby. Right here and now. It was the end of anything else I wanted or thought I wanted. It creates anger, Charlie. Everything changes so abruptly and so permanently. You’re allowed a little time to let it register. One day your life is one way, and then bam. It’s on another path entirely. You deserve some leeway for making adjustments.”
“Except I can’t with Cami. She really can’t handle it.”
“Are you sure you’re not projecting the old Cami onto her? The one who first showed up here a decade ago? She’s not like that anymore, Charlie. She might be emotional and moody and a bucket of nerves, but she isn’t so breakable. She handled your relationship for three years despite it being a long-distance one. That’s not easy. Most girls succumb to jealousy or boredom or cheating or misunderstandings and simply move on. If she could do that, then she’s not as messed up or unable to handle life in general, not like you believe. She’s just as committed to you and in love with you as she was the day you first left for school. Maybe you got used to having her one way and missed it when she grew up to be another way.”
He stiffened upright. “Maybe. Maybe you have a point. But what good is scolding her? I don’t even want to break up with her. I love her. I always planned to someday get married and have a family; and central to that goal is Cami. It’s not like I don’t want all this someday with her. So, what can I do? It’s just starting way earlier than I planned, so what? I’m still in love with her. This didn’t change it. I’m just angry. I feel trapped. I’m disappointed. I don’t know how to reconcile it all.”
Ben slapped his back. “I think you’re expecting way too much from yourself and way too quickly. Go off. Be mad. Be angry. Be trapped and upset. Let it obsess you until you work it out. Stay with Cami. If you two love each other like you say you do, and not like fifteen-year-olds, but as adults, then shit comes up in life and you just face it and stick it out. You stay together even when you don’t like each other. Doesn’t mean it will last forever. It means you’re going through something. So, handle it the best you can. You don’t have to be in a good mood all the time or the best boyfriend. Just be honest with her. And everything will work out in time. That is my advice. You want everything wrapped up in a neat, tidy box, but Cami isn’t like that and she will never fit into one. And honestly, most of us don’t.”
“Just me.”
Ben pressed his lips together in a small smile. “Yeah, you do. And you are also accomplished and smart and ambitious, everything solid that most people strive to be. But flexibility is required in real life, which means life after school. Especially now that there’s a baby involved.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Ben. I probably don’t deserve your good advice after what I said—”
“You’re my little brother. Of course you do. You’re just growing up like I did. It’s hard. It sucks sometimes. It’s also full of unexpected, unplanned situations. The lessons only get harder and your plans have to be ready to change into something you never imagined. Don’t give up on you and Cami, but you can allow yourself to be mad. I mean, c’mon, be real.”
Charlie left his brother with a fist bump and a promise to call more often. Trudging up the hill, he looked across the main road, staring at his future in-laws’ house. He turned and glanced out towards the snow-topped mountains, their slopes white from winter freezing and snow melt. This was not what he chose or where he wanted to be. Not right then, not today, nor in the future. He sighed as he turned to head inside. He had to face his life. His unplanned, out-of-the-box, filled with surprises and unexpected circumstances, life. But the thing that still bothered Charlie the most was that it wasn’t any accident.
****
“Erin’s pregnant. Can you believe it?”
Crossing over the threshold of Cami’s bedroom, Charlie entered it. She sat on the other side of the bed, still dressed, and numb. Her heart and mood were dipping low. She looked very down and only lifted her head up when Charlie’s voice interrupted her dour thoughts.
“What?”
“Yeah.” Charlie said, entering further. “He just told me while blushing beet red and trying to justify it. He’s totally ashamed because he’s so damn old, and too embarrassed to admit how happy he is to have a baby with Erin. He loves her so much and she never felt really good about herself. He helped her get through that. She became a different person once she started living here on the ranch. All in her own time and space. But Dad supported her through it. So, he was just brimming with pride that she felt ready to become a parent with him. However, he’s already a grandfather at forty-nine years old and Ben and I are both grown up.”
She bit her lip, staring up at him, growing stony-faced as he spoke. He sat down beside her.
“You must hate this then. Me and Erin pregnant at the same time?”
“No, I laughed.”
“You what?”
“I just got hysterical and couldn’t stop laughing. My dad and me? Sharing fatherhood? I mean, the guy’s a grandfather and I’m still a college student.”
She nodded, flipping her hair back. Charlie’s hand finger-brushed her hair and he wrapped it around her neck, pulling her gently towards him, until their foreheads touched. “How are we going to do this?”
Cami shut her eyes before her tears began to fall and soft sobs escaped her mouth. The need to apologize was lodged in her throat. But she contained it, trying to stay quiet. “I don’t know.”
“I know. Neither do I. Please don’t ever make a life decision like this for us again unless we make it together. And you’re sure it’s what we both want. This? How you handled this situation was completely unfair.”
She lowered her head and tucked it under his neck. “Charlie, don’t you make most of your life decisions without me?”
His entire body jolted upright. “What are you talking about?”
“You always tell me what you’re doing or planning to do without consulting me about it. You don’t discuss it beforehand, or make sure we agree first. You tell me your life decisions. You tell me where you intend to go to college and when you are coming home or when you expect me to come to you. You tell me when your friends are coming with you or hanging out with us. You decided to attend summer school without even warning me and very little thought as to how it affects me. You also decided to go to Germany without preparing me. For two years you’ll be gone. You don’t ask me, you tell me about most everything in our life.”
“I… I mean, school is my career right now. I have to make those decisions.”
“Right. That’s why I didn’t argue. Ever. But don’t even pretend that we make life’s decisions together. We do not. I shouldn’t have done what I did. Believe me, that lesson has been learned. This is not how something that’s supposed to be happy should ever feel. But it’s also shown me that it’s not all on me. You don’t live your life with me, you simply include me. And you say you’re serious that you want to live with me. But your actions don’t back up your words. That is part of my insecurity around you.”
He pushed her off his chest and stared into her face. His gaze was confused but concerned. “You really think that?”
“Yes, I know it. So do you,” she stated quietly.
His eyebrows lowered in concentration, then rose. His mouth started to open, then quickly shut. For once, he didn’t know how to respond.
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I did the wrong thing, Charlie. I promise not to do it again. I don’t like to hurt you or have you mad at me over something I caused. So I do promise you.”
“Did you do this so I wouldn’t go to Germany?”
“Possibly, yes.” She winced. “I hate to believe I’m that spiteful, but I was always insecure over our separations and pretty sick and tired of it.”
“You didn’t ever object to it.”
“What
could I say? You won a prestigious scholarship and a free trip across the world. How could I tell you no? I was in an impossible situation.”
“I should have said more, but I guess it’s a non-issue now.”
“I guess you can blame that on me.”
“It’s now our reality.”
She shut her eyes. “I am sorry. I know it’s hard to accept. If I had only stepped back and thought about it longer, I would never have purposely jeopardized your scholarship and educational future. I hope you will believe me. And forgive me for that.”
“I know. I do. I will try, but it’ll take a while.”
“I’m terribly sorry.”
He nodded and hooked his arm around her before they fell back on the bed together. He just had to move on from it and not think about it anymore. He had to concentrate on the here and now lest he lose his way again. “So Monday you’ll see the doctor? We need to prepare for this, from your good health to all the supplies a baby needs and learning the due date and where you’ll be at that time.”
“Monday.”
“You’ll call me?”
“You want me to? I’m not trying to be a martyr, and I honestly understand when you said you deserved your space to be angry. I’m just not sure how that works.”
“Just call me. We’ll talk and try to be honest with each other. Right?”
“Yes. Right.”
“There is no other way to move forward but to take it one step at a time. We’ll just keep working at this, Cami.”
His words were optimistic, but his tone was hollow and sad.
****
AJ was very quiet around Cami. He didn’t say anything directly to Charlie or to her. He talked about other inconsequential things or mumbled questions and idle pleasantries to Charlie but never anything substantial. He disappeared the next day, and Cami assumed he went to work. She said goodbye to Charlie in a weird, hollow moment. All she could feel was Charlie’s tangible relief to be leaving River’s End… and her.
She walked towards the beach and spotted AJ. Surprised to find him staring at the ice-edged water in deep contemplation, Cami snuggled deeper into her coat before she approached him.
