by Leanne Davis
“AJ?”
He didn’t turn towards her. She tried to swallow the lump of rejection in her throat and bit her lip. “What are you mad at me for? I didn’t do this to you at age fourteen or sixteen. I’m twenty-three years old, AJ. What is your problem?”
“You do still live with Kate and me. You don’t exactly support yourself yet, now do you? Not like some women your age. So don’t pretend this doesn’t concern me.”
“Like you, perhaps? Weren’t you doing time in prison at my age? I might have disappointed you but come on. I’m not in jail and being pregnant is not a crime. I’ll move out, don’t worry, so you won’t have to take care of my baby. What is your attitude all about?”
His shoulders stiffened, and his head lowered. “I just wanted so much more for you.”
“More than what? I already have more than I expected, and this is what I want, AJ.”
“I think you’re only doing it to make up for what happened to you at a young age. I want you to have a chance to really live and be youthful in all the ways I never could. Not by drinking and partying or ending up in prison. Of course not. Or being responsible for a baby before you’ve even begun to live.”
“But this is living to me.”
“Because you did it on purpose.” He stated it as fact, and as always for AJ, in a very quiet voice. She almost had to lean in to hear him speak.
“How did you…” she stopped herself, realizing what she was giving up. Everyone around her already knew. She might have miscalculated their hypersensitive awareness.
“I know you. I know Charlie. He was struggling so hard to remain neutral. He was trying a little too hard. That was a crappy thing to do to him. He’s still in school. How could you take that away from him?”
Her mouth dropped open. “You’re really upset with me, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I really am, Cami.”
“AJ…”
“Why won’t you just call me Dad? Haven’t I earned that? I’ve been right here for you for the past decade. Ten years. Almost as long as I wasn’t around. Why can’t I just be your dad?”
Her eyebrows scrunched up. What was his problem? He was all over the place in his emotions and so unlike himself. Then a thought occurred to her: did he think he failed at being a father because she was pregnant?
“Does my pregnancy somehow damage your parenting score?”
“I think if I’d been the father you needed, when you needed me most, you’d be calling me that. I doubt you would feel such a strong urge to become a parent yourself. Why? To do it better than me? Do it the way it’s supposed to be done?”
“AJ? I mean, I don’t know why but I just always called you AJ and I didn’t know how to switch. It took me so long to trust you. I knew you were there for me but by then, we had already established our relationship and you guys were AJ and Kate. Besides, our names don’t define us. You guys, both of you, are my parents. I know that. I feel it. All the time. I never knew you wanted me to call you anything else but AJ.”
“I always did. Well, maybe not at the very beginning, but in the last nine years? Yes.”
She sucked in a breath and stepped closer to touch his arm. He turned at her contact. She stared up at him with big eyes and raw emotions, probably exacerbated by her pregnancy hormones, and still, she felt extremely vulnerable. “You never asked me to.”
“You never seemed like you wanted to.”
“I just assumed AJ was what you wanted me to call you.”
He shrugged. “No. I hope you do consider me your dad, though.”
She bit her lip and a wave of emotions filled her heart. “Oh, I do. I do. As much as I consider Kate my mom. Names don’t mean much to me. Look, I called my biological mom that name for thirteen years and she never earned that title. Doesn’t mean we had any kind of close relationship. Parker Sanchez never deserved my love and yet—”
“Yet you still called her mom.”
Cami shook her head. The depth of his hurt truly upset her. She never knew. Not at all. He never mentioned how he felt or what he perceived or why she called him what she did. “Dad. I can call you Dad now, since I do consider you my dad. And I didn’t get pregnant to hurt you or retaliate or… I don’t know, somehow punish you for not being something more to me. You’ve been everything to me. You and Kate… What does she want me to call her?”
He shrugged. “It never bothered her so much. She said everything you just did: that names don’t define our love or what we are. I just pictured you calling me AJ to your baby and having him or her call me AJ.”
“Dad… I’d be honored to call you Dad and someday, Grandpa.”
He peeked at her before he stared forward again. “Really?”
“Yes, really. But only if you’ll quit being mad at me. Charlie, Jack, Erin and probably Ben, Shane, Ian… and the list goes on of everyone who is mad at me because of what I’ve done to Charlie’s future. Can you just not be mad at me? Can you just be on my side? Right or wrong, I did it because I want to have a baby, this baby, more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
AJ nodded and turned towards her to hug her.
She leaned against him and he made her feel stronger and more accepted. “I really screwed up. Charlie is so mad at me.”
“Charlie didn’t have a child expelled from his body like you did when you were no more than a child. My child. And if I’d only known, none of that would have happened to you. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you ever again. Soon you’ll understand how strong that emotion is for a parent. It makes your baby suddenly the most vulnerable person alive.”
She leaned back so she could look up at his face. “It wasn’t your fault. And good things are going to happen to me because I’m still alive and I have to seek my life’s path. You have to let me.” She squeezed his arm and smiled softly. “But you can be there for me when I do.”
His grip tightened around her shoulders. “I will be there. I just didn’t know how to handle this.”
“No one does. I shocked everyone. Mostly, Charlie. I did it. But I didn’t set out to do it. I was careless about my birth control. If I could undo what I did, I would. I hate having Charlie so upset with me. He thinks I’ve ruined his life. I didn’t think he would take it that badly.”
“You understand, I hope, that he has every right to feel that way.”
“I do. But I can’t undo this.”
“But you also don’t even want to.” He held her. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here for you. No matter what. Just like I always promised you.”
“Thank you, Dad.” It was the first time Cami called AJ that to his face, but now she had a reason.
****
It was so far from what Charlie wanted but the reality was simply too big and important to ignore. Cami went to the doctor and learned she was seven weeks along and her due date was September eighteenth. Charlie suppressed a groan of frustration when she told him over the phone. There would be no trip to Germany now or earning his master’s degree. He withheld his instinctive reaction, trying to conceal and smash it. It was just the start of a series of crushing disappointments, schedule conflicts and a shifting of his priorities until they were ruined. His entire future and the course of his life were suspended indefinitely.
Having accepted the scholarship, he had to formally withdraw from it. He hadn’t done that yet and he wasn’t sure why. What did he hope for? Some way to leave Cami and a new baby so he could go halfway across the world? Even his wildest longings and ambitions couldn’t make him that cold-hearted. So there would be no scholarship. But he couldn’t force himself to withdraw it. Not yet.
It was hard to concentrate. Even harder to talk to Cami or care about her pregnancy symptoms. It was hard to care about her, period. The distance between them that had never affected how he felt about her now hurt so badly. What she did made it very hard for Charlie to be supportive and kind. The reality he never wanted was tough on him. He lost the connection he felt before. It went so wrong, at least f
rom his viewpoint.
But frighteningly, it went so right from hers.
How could they ever unite again with such vastly different experiences to bear?
****
Sore breasts, vertigo, some morning sickness and lots of severe headaches, Cami was becoming increasingly tired and had to drag herself to work. Things proceeded as they often do. Charlie went home once, hoping to observe some of her physical changes. With relatively no changes in her weight or looks, he seemed amused and thought he reassured her. There was a little more acceptance on his part by then, but anytime he envisioned the near future, he felt like a bag of concrete was tied around his feet.
The claustrophobic sense of entrapment, something he truly feared, constantly threatened to become a permanent part of him. Cami knew it too. He was nice to her, always courteous, and conscious of her condition and how she felt. But the closeness they’d shared since they were kids was gone. It was the one thing that made nothing about them ordinary.
Now any interaction felt forced and kind of boring. They both sounded hollow where once, they were full. And it wasn’t because of anything either of them was doing. No, something very deep and integral had changed between them. Charlie wished it hadn’t changed, but he didn’t know how to flip it back around.
They were trying very hard, but nothing was as it had been.
When he got back to school, Charlie felt a wave of unbridled relief, and a sense of guilt stabbed his heart. He didn’t want to be happy as soon as he was away from Cami. And relieved to rejoin his friends and all that was fun and familiar at school. The truth was that relief didn’t even cover the sheer bliss he felt to be away from River’s End. He hadn’t told anyone about Cami’s pregnancy, which was wrong. Perhaps for the first time in their relationship, Charlie chose to keep any news about her and the depressing details about them from the others.
And as for the formal acceptance that had him leaving for Germany on September fourteenth? He had yet to formally decline it. He’d done nothing to change it. Officially he was still going. He just needed more time to work up to letting the chance of a lifetime slip through his fingers. All to stay home and do the most ordinary, mundane thing he could think of doing at this point in his life: having a baby. Like everyone else.
He didn’t want to be ordinary. Never had wanted to be. But here he was. Exactly who he never wanted to be.
Destiny be damned.
Chapter Eleven
IRREVOCABLY, CAMI CHANGED THEIR former demeanor, as well as the natural ease and rapport that flowed between them. Her frequent headaches began to plague her. Fatigue gripped her. And a series of stomach aches stopped her from indulging in the foods she formerly liked. The odd discourse and alienated feelings between them weren’t because of Charlie. He didn’t overtly say or do anything. He didn’t withdraw, or mumble little digs or slurs. But something that was magical and intangible, something that always seemed to be “there” between them, had vanished.
Dragging herself out of bed one morning, Cami had to get to work. Charlie was very serious about what he wanted done before the birth of the baby and insisted they be ready for it. Something that both intimidated and irritated her. But how could she fault him for that when she was the reason it happened? She ignored her incessant nausea and body aches in order to work and performed as best she could while trying to keep herself busy.
Groggy with the usual morning headache, the draining fatigue that consumed her made her stomach feel hollow and achy. Nothing unusual so she wandered into her bathroom to take a shower. Staring at her reflection, she stuck out her tongue. She stopped dying her hair because of her pregnancy, worrying the chemicals could bother the baby. She had no real reason for it, but it felt important to her. She hated her blonde hair. The only blonde hair she did not dye until now was her body hair.
As she sat down to pee, she suddenly froze, her mind going blank before she went numb. What the hell? Her underwear was wet and gooey, smeared with brownish colors. She stared at it without comprehending. No. No, see she didn’t get her periods anymore. She couldn’t. She felt a sudden cramp. Something that was happening off and on for several days. But that was from the pregnancy.
Except. She. Saw. Blood.
Whoa. Bleeding and spotting during pregnancy were conditions she’d heard of. It had to do with the fetus becoming implanted or something, so maybe it was just normal spotting. Nothing. Not… no. Her brain refused to say anymore.
She read about it in the prenatal book and a few different magazines she recently subscribed too. It was probably nothing. Yes. She was fine.
But she saw blood.
Her heart started pounding harder. She leaned forward and sucked in a breath of air to calm her increasingly climaxing anxiety. No. Oh, no. And Kate wasn’t home, having gone to Seattle overnight for business.
What should she do? What could she do?
Cami rose to her feet and slid her panties back up along with the loose, dark pants she wore. Shocked with alarm, she jerked the door open. “Dad! Dad!” she screamed his name.
Standing in the doorway of her bathroom, she gripped the knob tightly. She wasn’t crying. Or doing anything. Just trembling. Her entire body shook as the primal fear of any mother-to-be filled her senses.
Then she knew.
She knew what happened. It wasn’t spotting. Or her period. No, it was a baby. The remnants of a baby in her underwear.
AJ raced to the top of the staircase, still chewing on whatever he’d been eating for breakfast. He stopped dead and stared at her, his gaze drifting from her face to her hand as she gripped the knob so tightly as if it alone were holding her upright. Closing her eyes and shaking her head in denial over and over, she kept chanting a mantra in her mind. No. Oh no. It was a quiet plea in her heart. Please, God, no. Don’t. Don’t take this away from her. So much of her life was taken away before she was allowed to bask in the salvation she found at River’s End. Perhaps that was enough for anyone, but this was something she wanted more than anything else she’d ever dreamed about. She cared about having a baby more than absolutely everything. Even Charlie. And her family. More than any dream she could possibly desire for her future. Still she raised up another silent prayer, please God… just please, don’t take her baby.
Unlike her standard reaction, no tears came. No screams. No pleas for help or comfort. She stood there trembling but upright.
“Cami?” AJ said, his eyes darting around.
She shook her head again. “I think you’d better take me to the doctor.”
“What? What’s happening?”
Sucking in a breath, her heart sunk into a deep, watery pit before it drowned. “I’m losing the baby.”
His eyes darted down. “Are you sure? How could you know?”
“Blood. There’s too much blood. I haven’t been feeling right either, but I thought it was just normal discomfort from pregnancy. But it’s not. It’s not, Dad.” Her tone was cool and calm and even.
AJ’s eyelids lifted, and his eyes sparkled with concern. “You can’t be sure. You don’t know. We’ll go to the ER. They’ll check you over and find out what’s wrong. They’ll know how to stop it and help you and… and save it. Now. Come on.”
He spurred her into action, but Cami had to force her legs to move forward, slowly and steadily. Somewhere in her mind, she understood there was no hurry to get there. AJ rushed forward. “Let me help you. Take it easy.”
She used his arm to lean on him. His giant arms held her and provided a tender touch. She knew he would. He’d always been gentle with her. The very first time he met her, he said to her simply, “I’m AJ.” It was a terrible moment for her, coming to River’s End, and AJ was a complete stranger. Once more, Cami found herself at the mercy of adults and strangers. Once more, she feared what she’d find, and the extent of harm she’d have to endure. That’s what she believed would happen after her first glimpse of the giant that turned out to be her father.
But that’s not what
happened. AJ was a quiet, solid, caring presence in her life. He never once put his hands on her in anger and never even raised his voice. And now she needed that even more than when she was thirteen.
He set her gently onto the seat of his truck. “I wish we had Kate’s car. I’m sorry. This stupid, big thing.” He dashed around to his side and jumped in. But he drove out with extra care and caution, making sure not to bump her on the rough, dirt road until they hit the pavement. Then he drove as fast as he could while using plenty of care on the curves of the valley road.
Cami stared out the window, dull and unseeing. AJ’s jaw clenched but he respected her need to be quiet. When he pulled into the local hospital, he helped her out and they walked inside. AJ spoke quietly but quickly to the front reception. Cami was seen only minutes later. They rushed her inside to get examined. The nurse came in and took down all of her information as well as the details of what was going on. Soon afterwards, now in a gown and on the exam table, Cami grimaced while they checked for the baby’s heartbeat. As she already knew, they found none.
Her heart didn’t dip or break upon the clarification and proof of what she already knew. Deep down in her gut, she sensed the baby no longer lived. Some brief expressions of their sincere condolences came from the doctor and nurses but at this point, they explained, her body could handle the natural processing of the miscarriage. No further medical intervention was necessary.
She got redressed and AJ stood up as soon as she walked into the waiting room. He took one look at her face and rushed forward, holding her body and hugging her against him.
She broke free and mumbled, “I just want to go home.”
“Can we do that? Go home?” he questioned. Seeking a more official or dramatic release, AJ was not content to just quietly go home after that.
“Yes.”
She stared out the window. He kept quiet. But when they got home, he quickly came around to her side of the truck and hugged her against him again. At his tender touch, Cami finally broke down and started to cry. She leaned quietly against his chest as he rubbed her back and patted her shoulders. “I wish Kate were here,” she mumbled softly.
