by Leanne Davis
“She’ll be home in probably less than three hours now. I called her. She left Seattle immediately.”
“Thank you,” Cami replied.
“I know I’m not what you need right now, but I love you, Cami, and I only wish there was something I could do for you.”
“I know… Dad.”
“I called Charlie too. From the waiting room.”
“Oh? Oh, that’s good. Thank you.” Cami felt oddly disconnected from Charlie.
She was pregnant, but now had nothing to show for it. Now she looked and felt the same, and there was nothing for her to look forward to. She let her dad turn her around and guide her inside before setting her gently on the couch and covering her with a knitted afghan from Kate’s mother. Cami snuggled under it and used the pillow he tucked under head. He left her with a gentle pat on her head and she smiled up at him. He couldn’t have handled her any better. “You were perfect, Dad. For this. For me. Always were. I was just scared to let you be. Scared you’d leave. Scared you’d abandon me. Scared I’d disappoint you and you’d leave. That’s how Parker always was. She was never like you… Dad.”
AJ was visibly choked up at her words. Then she turned her head and buried it into the pillow. “I just want to sleep now. Please.” Of course, her dad respected her request and turned and left the room.
****
It was still early April and Charlie was trying to listen to a lecture while his phone logged five calls in a row from AJ’s number. Since it was completely unusual, Charlie walked out of his class, and into the hallway before dialing him back. “AJ? What’s going on?”
“Cami’s at the hospital. She’s losing the baby, Charlie.”
Charlie fell into stunned silence. “Oh, damn,” he whispered to himself before replying, “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I know you will.” There was little else to say. They both hung on for a long moment before they finally hung up. The punch Charlie felt in his stomach nearly took his breath away. He closed his eyes and his entire body sagged with defeat. Damn. Just damn. He had no idea how to feel. It wasn’t relief. And definitely not happiness. An overpowering indifference with an abject distance to it. He understood the words, but his feelings didn’t follow if they were supposed to. As if it were happening to someone else while he listened in. He shook his head to undo the trance that overtook him. He had to go home. He had to get back to Cami, who would not like his reaction.
****
Cami, of course, heard Kate’s dramatically hurried and harried entrance. She ran in from the porch, slamming the door in her hastiness and dropping her bags and purse in the entry. AJ appeared from nowhere and was quietly… doing what? Cami had no idea. He’d been quiet as a mouse or an inanimate object while Cami simply kept her eyes tightly shut as she lay on the couch, lost to the world. But at least she was still in the world.
“She’s resting. Shh. She has not moved since we got home.”
“She’s so quiet? Was she crying?”
“She cried just a little but only when we got home. Since then, she’s been quiet,” her dad said. His tone dropped so low, Cami had to shift her head until her left ear was free of the pillow to hear him speak to Kate.
“Cami always cries. What do you mean, she hasn’t cried?”
“Nothing. A deadly, quiet calm. Even when we were at the hospital. She knew, Kate, right off. She stood outside the bathroom, shaking, pale as a sheet of paper and quiet. Then she said she’d lost the baby. I don’t know… I didn’t know what to do…” he repeated it several times. Cami sensed Kate probably took him in her arms by the sounds of their shuffling limbs and Kate’s voice was a low murmur, like she was repeating something to him.
“Should I wake her?” Kate whispered.
“I think you should let her be until she decides to engage.”
They turned and disappeared towards the kitchen. Cami lay there in the dark. She let it seep into her bones, her heart, and her empty stomach. Finally, the crunching of tires on the gravel made her glance at her phone, and she saw it was past midnight. Charlie. Duh. Of course, he’d come home. He wasn’t a monster. He might even feel sorry for her, but she sincerely doubted he felt the least bit sorry for himself.
And that perhaps would be the reason why she could not forgive him. But right then she succumbed to the heaviness of her body and limbs. Caught in a deep fog, she couldn’t imagine working up the energy to express anything she thought. Let alone, anything that even resembled anger.
Charlie opened the door without knocking and stepped inside before turning the entrance light on. He texted her several times over the last few hours and called her phone. She hadn’t answered any of them and kept it on silent mode. Without stirring, she kept her head buried in her pillow and her body on her side, facing the couch back.
AJ and Kate came in and met Charlie at the entrance. There was more rustling, most likely an exchange of hugs and softly murmured words. She couldn’t make them out. She didn’t lift her head either, unlike before. Now she just didn’t care. A bit louder, she heard Kate say, “I haven’t even talked to her. She hasn’t been up since I got home. I don’t know exactly…”
“I’ll talk to her. Why don’t you guys go to bed?”
She sensed Kate’s reluctance when she didn’t answer at first but finally gave in with an, “I suppose we could.” That was followed by shuffling, more footsteps, and a long silence. Charlie came in and stood over her. Cami could have turned over and acknowledged him or let him know that she was awake and aware that he was there. But she didn’t.
He finally dropped down to kneel beside her. His hands caressed her shoulder and back in a gentle touch. “Cami?”
She didn’t move or even acknowledge his presence. The soft tone of his voice seemed to spike her nerve endings, causing an uncontrollable and automatic response of tears. They began welling in her eyes and several slid free, leaving silent tracks on her face before pooling under her cheek.
“Cams? I know you’re awake.” He repeated her name and slid his hands around in small circles of soothing comfort. The heat radiated through her clothes. She finally turned a few inches until her body was half towards him and half towards the couch. She lifted her gaze up to his face. The only light came from the outside porch lights shining through the front window. With so few neighbors, they were rarely closed.
She stared at him and he stared back. A hand slid up to her face and cupped her chin as he looked down at her. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded with an infinitesimal lift of her head up and down. He kept looking into her eyes, scanning her face and brushing her hair off her forehead. “Are you okay? I mean, are you in physical pain?”
She cleared her throat. “Not really.”
He nodded, and relief flashed over him at hearing her words. He leaned over, still smoothing her hair back and he kissed her mouth with a soft press of his lips before holding her face. His head shook, and she gathered he was at a loss. He opened his mouth and closed it before finally saying, “I love you.”
Cami’s gaze was off in the distance, focused on nothing. She really didn’t feel like talking or crying or identifying the emotions that were penetrating her brain and heart. She felt it despite her desire to ignore it. His words. His touch. His sympathy could so easily crack her. To avoid that, she turned her face towards the couch back and let her body follow.
Charlie didn’t persist with her. Instead, he slipped in behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle. Taking one of her hands in his, he rubbed her fingers and fiddled with her hand idly. He stayed quiet and so did she. She didn’t withdraw from him when he began touching her, nor did she lean into it. She closed her eyes and floated along, her thoughts drifting everywhere and nowhere.
She must have fallen asleep because she woke up and saw the daylight shining on the floor in squares of warm sunlight. She overheard the murmurs and mutters of a household waking up while attempting to be quiet for those who hadn’t. The soft click and
tap of cabinets opening and closing along with drawers and the familiar clinks and clanks of dishes on the table. She heard the coffee pot being set back on the machine and sighed as a heavy, gray fog enveloped her and she began to slowly suffocate.
She set her legs on the ground to sit up. The world felt new and different. Overnight, it had become a difficult place to live and only yesterday morning, everything seemed so normal and ordinary. She got up, messed around in her room, decided what to wear, wandered into the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth and then… she peed. That was when it all went wrong.
After rising from the couch, she walked on her bare feet into the kitchen, as quiet as a feather and equally unassuming. Charlie sat at the bar, talking softly to her parents. Kate noticed her appearance first and stared with big, wide and concerned eyes at her. Silence descended over the kitchen as they all took a long look at her. Their collective surprise at seeing her upright was reflected in their expressions.
“Oh, good morning, sweetie,” Kate said in the kindest, gentlest voice. She rushed forward and scooped Cami up, pushing her against her busty chest. “I should have been here for you. I’m so sorry. I’m just so damn sorry,” she crooned a few times. She kissed Cami’s cheek and the top of her head, alternating without stopping. Kate was vocal, affectionate, straightforward and sometimes a little too loud with her thoughts, opinions, lectures and strict discipline. She was also very loving and affectionate and often hugged, kissed, smooched, held hands, or fondly squeezed the shoulders of Cami and AJ to demonstrate it. They were both the hands-off type and more reserved in their demeanor with acts of public affection. She and AJ rarely hugged each other unless Kate was involved too. Kate loved as brashly and boldly as she lived her life and Cami appreciated it from the start. Even now, when she was so numb and tired and sad, Kate’s sturdy hold shored her up. Cami didn’t react or hug her back, but she did press herself into Kate’s torso and let her nearly support her weight.
“You couldn’t have known.”
“Well, I’m here now, and I’m staying here. I promise you, Cami, you will be okay.” She placed a finger under Cami’s chin and raised her face up. In a serious tone, Kate insisted that Cami accept her promise as sincerely as she said it. She knew Kate wanted only the best for her.
Kate let Cami go, but still kept one arm around her shoulders and cuddled her against her tall frame. “You need to eat something, honey. Stay well and healthy despite how awful you feel. What would you like for breakfast?”
Cami slipped away from Kate’s embrace and kept her head down as she shuffled into a chair beside Charlie. He took her hand and held it. “Cereal,” she finally replied. She knew better than to argue with Kate about food. She’d just keep offering things to her until she ate something. Kate quickly provided her a bowl, and the cereal and milk and spoon, which was prepared and ready to eat. Cami took it without smiling but she mumbled “Thanks.” When she glanced up at them, she asked, “Can you guys stop watching me? It doesn’t help.”
They immediately reacted by turning away or shuffling their feet, pretending as if that automatically made them busy. She shook her head. “I’m not going to do anything crazy. You don’t have to worry, and you can quit supervising me as if I’m planning to.”
There was another silence. No one knew what to say to her. Kate just responded like she was wont to do. “Right. We just… oh, honey, we were so worried about you. Do you want to talk? Or do something to distract you? What can we do to help, sweetie?”
“I don’t know. But staring at me probably isn’t a good way to start,” she said with the smallest tug upwards of her lips. Kate walked around her and messed up her hair as she kissed the top of her head.
“Ah, hell, kiddo, I don’t know what to do either.”
AJ walked towards her. Surprised, Cami lowered her spoon and stared up at him. He leaned over and hugged her. “If you want to hang out or maybe play video games… whatever, I’m your guy.”
She knew that giving her comfort was awkward for AJ and his statement was somehow just right. “Maybe later,” she replied.
AJ took Kate’s hand and left the kitchen. Obviously, they were giving Charlie and her some privacy. She stared down at her cereal bowl and ate with intense concentration. She pretended it consumed all of her brain power. Charlie’s gaze bored into her. But she resisted the urge to look at him. Sighing, he finally put his arm on the back of her chair and his other beside her on the table, essentially surrounding her.
“Cami?” His tone was curious, deep, and sincere. “What can I do?”
“Nothing.” Setting her spoon down, Cami’s hands fell onto her lap. She could only stare at the half-eaten, floating wheat squares in the milk. “You can’t do anything.”
“Can I at least be here for you?”
She swallowed and kept her gaze down. “Depends.”
“On what?”
She rubbed her hands together, staring harder at them now. Something kept her from looking at Charlie. “Are you relieved? Are you happy? Do you only feel sorry for me?”
He leaned towards her. “How do you want me to answer those questions?”
“With the honest truth.”
He took in a deep breath. “Okay, the truth is I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. AJ called me five times before I saw his calls because I was in class. I immediately skipped out and called him back and he told me. I grabbed my stuff at once and headed home. I have no idea how I feel. My only urgency was to get to you. My feelings are all tied up in you, Cami. So I’m not happy, although I might be slightly relieved. But I’m mostly just sorry for you.”
She briefly spared him a glance. “So, you’re not sorry for us.”
“I don’t know yet what I am. Can’t it be enough for you to know how much I care about you? I’m not happy. I can’t stand to see you in pain, full of hurt and grieving.”
As he spoke, his voice dropped lower, almost into a gentle caress. His knee turned towards her leg and he gently nudged her. He leaned closer, touching his forehead to the side of her head. “I love you, Cami, don’t turn this into a war between us. Right now, can’t you just let me love you? Let me be here with you. Let me grieve with you and for you. Just for now, can’t we let it be? Later, we can decide how I feel. I promise. But today, can’t you just let me be here for you?”
Her eyes shut tightly as she tried to restrain the growing pressure of her tears. She slowly nodded her head and a few streams of moisture rolled down her cheeks. He set his hand up to the other side of her head and tucked her head against his shoulder, wrapping his arm around her. Her hands instinctively slid upwards and around him before she buried her forehead against his chest. “I was afraid you would be happy about it,” she whispered.
He nodded. “I’m not happy.”
She sucked in some air at his words and blinked to stop her tears. “What are you then?”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this now?”
“I just want to know.”
“I thought about it the whole way over here. How could I approach you? How could I be here for you after how I complained and said I didn’t want the baby? I mean, I can’t undo what I said before and the reality of that hasn’t changed. No, I don’t want to have a baby. But I never once wished that you would lose it, so please believe that. I don’t know how to describe it. I was resentful and angry when you told me you were pregnant, but I never once wished for you to lose it. And honestly, that possibility never occurred to me. So, I don’t know what to do or how to comfort you, but I want to. I don’t want to be a fraud, I want to be right here with you.”
He hugged her tighter and she let him, eventually tightening her arms around him. He stood up, bringing her with him and their butts pushed their chairs back. Wrapping her up in his embrace, he buried his face against her shoulder as she hung onto his neck. His mouth touched her neck and he kissed the side of her face repeatedly. “Why aren’t you crying?” he asked gently.
Her shoulder
s bumped up and down. “It hurts so much more than that.”
His arms all but lifted her off the floor and she let him hold her. “Your calm is frightening.”
“I know. I just don’t know how to express what I feel.”
“Can you try? This has to bring a lot of baggage up. What happened when you were with your mom?”
“You mean, Parker? Dad and I agreed to call her Parker and not Mom, and I’m calling him Dad now instead of AJ.”
“When did that happen?”
“The weekend we told them about the baby. The night you left early.”
“You didn’t tell me about that.”
“We haven’t been talking to each other, Charlie.” He let her go and slowly pushed her into the chair as he took his again. Facing her now, their knees were bumping together.
“We’ve been talking.”
“We’ve been chatting. I could tell you the last detail about your schedule and classes, but I have no idea what you’re thinking or how you feel about anything.”
He nodded, his hands nervously fiddling with her fingers. Averting his gaze from hers, he stared at their joined hands. “Charlie,” she said softly, but her tone was firm, “you know it’s true.”
“I guess. It’s just… I wanted to work things out with you.”
“But you left here six weeks ago. You were angry as hell then and all it did was keep growing. You’re a good person, and I mean it. You are. You had to stay with me because I was pregnant. And now? Do you think you still have to stay with me because I’m not?”
His head jerked up. “Cami!” he exclaimed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Her tone was calm and even. She was neither angry nor snarky, but real. “I’m talking about reality.”
“No. Damn it. I wasn’t biding my time with you. I wasn’t waiting around to leave you or dump you. I was working through everything that happened. You knew that. You knew what and why. But I never once intended to break up. Nor did I ever love you any less. I just needed more time to work it out. How could you act like this was all some sort of…? I don’t even know. I love you. Deeply. With all my heart. Despite the pregnancy, because of the pregnancy, before the pregnancy, during the pregnancy and after the pregnancy, including whatever that ‘after’ was. I don’t know how many more ways I could say that to convince you.”
