Fellis looked to the knight in surprise, then growing wonder.
Stephen was angrier than she had ever seen him. It was apparent in his voice, his rigid stance and the hands he clenched and unclenched at his sides while he fought visibly for control. Clearly his reaction was brought on by Ardeth’s insult.
Fellis felt a rising sense of happiness. It began as a warm glow in her chest and radiated out to all parts of her.
This outrage of her behalf proved that she was more to him than a means to an end.
Hard on this feeling of amazed joy came equally strong feelings of regret. The emotion numbed her from the roots of her hair to the soles of her feet. She must marry Wynn. Never would she have an opportunity to explore this realization that Stephen actually cared something for her.
She knew she could not acknowledge even this, for Stephen was in obvious danger as long as he remained at Malvern. The Welshwoman had said herself that there were those among Wynn’s followers who believed Stephen had somehow bewitched Wynn into going along with the king’s plan. No matter how foolish such thinking might be, Stephen would still be a target.
Absently she looked at Wynn as he began to speak, gazing at his woman with censure. “You have no need to strike out at the Lady Fellis. She has done you no wrong, Ardeth, and is more victim in this than any of us. Have I not said you will remain the wife of my heart?”
Fellis stiffened at his words, watching as Ardeth blushed, seeming abashed at her own behavior.
Before she could speak, Fellis held up her hand. “If you do not mind, I have heard more of this than I care to at the moment. I am no one’s victim here and will not be addressed as such. I freely do what I must to make peace, as you do.”
Fellis felt she would surely explode if she stood here for much longer. Her emotions were raw and she strove with all her might to keep them from seeing it. She could not look at Stephen, fearing that she would give too much of herself away.
For Stephen’s sake, she would marry Wynn as soon as possible. “As you have said, the wedding will go forward in a month’s time. I trust that you will be able to assure us that you will make every effort to guard against another attack on Sir Clayburn.”
Wynn nodded. “You have my guarantee that I will do aught in my power to keep anything untoward from happening to him.”
Knowing that this would have to suffice, Fellis turned to go, then stopped, raising her head high. There was one thing she wished to make clear on her own behalf. She met the Welshman’s eyes steadily with a show of bravado she had not known she possessed. “Let me say just one more thing. With your true feelings so clearly known, Wynn ap Dafydd, I trust you will not object that the marriage should be in name only.”
Wynn blanched but inclined his head as agreement.
Fellis nodded stiffly. “Now, have you no objection, I will be on my way.”
Stephen moved to block her path. “Fellis, please.”
She held up her hand to stop him, still not able to meet his gaze for fear of giving away the riotous state of her feelings. “Nay. Do me the courtesy to allow me to go alone. I know the way and find I have a great need for solitude.”
He kept his lips firmly closed, but she could feel the uncertainty in him. Only then did Fellis look at him, and her heart twisted in her breast, her gaze unknowingly yearning on his face. That handsome, most beloved face with its gentle green eyes.
As she looked at him and saw his concern for her, she knew that she loved him. Completely and irrevocably.
The truth of it rose up inside her like a wave crashing against the shore of her soul.
Never had she imagined that love could be so all consuming, filling her entire being with Stephen. Nor hurt so very much.
She tore her gaze away from his troubled one, realizing that she was risking everything in that moment. How could he look at her and not be aware of how deeply she cared for him? Fellis swung around, finding Ebony without even knowing how she did so. Only as Fellis mounted her mare and rode away was she able to relax the tight hold she had on herself.
Tears trickled from her eyes and she was glad they had remained unshed until she was no longer beneath the scrutiny of the others. She could not allow anyone to see how much Stephen meant to her, how bleak her future would be without him.
Fellis dashed the tears from her face with the back of her hand, doing her utmost to guide Ebony safely home. When Stephen was gone, the mare would be her only tie with the man who had come to change her life so completely.
Stephen watched Fellis ride away with a wave of longing so deep it near drove him to his knees.
He could see that she was hurt but did not know how to help. She had made her need to be away from them, away from him, most clear.
He would follow Fellis in a moment, but first he wished to say something to Wynn. How could he remain the man’s friend after the way he had just treated Fellis?
Stephen turned to the other man with a growl that displayed his still-burning anger. “How dare you place Lady Fellis in such an untenable position. As your future wife, she is deserving of better treatment than that you should put your leman above her.”
Ardeth gasped, but Stephen did not look at her.
Wynn frowned, his dark eyes narrowing as he replied with heat. “Sir Stephen, this situation was not of my choosing. In the name of your own king you offered the lady to me as a means to settle a dispute. I have agreed, though I have met with much resistance. Am I then also to put aside the woman I love?”
Wynn’s tone grew more moderate. “It is only because I can see the way you desire Lady Fellis that I can have some tolerance for your attitude.”
Stephen’s eyes flew wide open at this. God, he had given himself away. “It is not as you think.”
“It matters not to me, how it is,” Wynn replied. “I have made my feelings on this matter known. As Lady Fellis has said, the marriage will be in name only. What happens betwixt you and the lady is no concern of mine. What is between us is only a political agreement.”
Stephen could barely think past the throbbing in his head. It appeared as though Wynn had just given him free rein to have an affair with Fellis. Although he knew that he could not act on such folly, the words awakened desires Stephen was fighting hard to control. “I…” he began. “’Tis not an honorable thing you suggest.”
Wynn watched him with something akin to pity, deliberately taking Ardeth’s hand. “It seems you take your honor too seriously, Englishman, and think not enough on what might bring you at least a short-lived happiness.”
Stephen could think of no reply.
Trying hard to block out the visions that Wynn’s suggestion conjured up in his mind, the knight swung away and found his stallion. The fact that the Welshman could see nothing wrong with his having an affair with Fellis did not mean that Stephen could forget his own honor and knowledge of what was right.
He mounted and left the clearing without a backward glance.
Chapter Twelve
Fellis paused at the door of her grandmother’s former chamber, the one now occupied by Stephen Clayburn. Her mother had assured her that the knight was out riding, as he had each day for the past three.
During that time, Fellis had caught only a glimpse of him about the castle and grounds. She had no wish for more. She fought down the flicker of self-derision the thought brought on.
It was true, she told herself. She had no wish for him to guess at what she had learned. That she loved him. Even if, as she now believed, Stephen did have some feeling for her beyond his obvious need to see her wed to Wynn ap Dafydd, he wouldst be put in an impossible position to discover that she loved him.
Fellis had no desire to see the pity that would surely come into his dark eyes if he learned the truth. Stephen had never professed anything more than friendship as far as she was concerned. It was true that there had been some evidence that he desired her, but she could not allow herself to think of that as meaning he felt more.
In s
pite of her mother’s assurances that Stephen was gone from the keep, Fellis scratched at the door and waited with bated breath. When there was no reply, she let it out on a relieved sigh.
On entering the chamber, she went directly to the chest at the foot of the bed. Inside it lay her grandmother’s clothing. Fellis had been surprised only a short while ago to discover that the elderly lady felt she was quite well enough to get up and sit in the solar for a time.
Though this made Fellis glad of heart, some of her pleasure had evaporated when her mother told her to run and fetch something for Myrian to wear.
At Fellis’s look of shock, Mary Grayson had been quick to offer the information that Sir Stephen had gone out hours before and, if he followed his pattern of the past several days, would not return until well past nightfall.
Trying hard to hide her trepidation, Fellis had left her own chamber hurriedly, thinking to have the errand done in the event the man surprised them by returning in the early afternoon.
Looking down at her grandmother’s chest, Fellis bit her lip. Stephen’s cloak was tossed haphazardly across the chest. Gingerly she reached toward it, something inside her rising up in anticipation at touching something that had lain next to his warm body, another part of her dreading the simple act.
Telling herself she was being ridiculous, Fellis put out her hand and lifted the garment. The moment she raised it up, Stephen’s scent came to her, redolent of leather, sandalwood and cool wind. Almost against her will she raised the cloak to her face, running the heavy green velvet over her cheek, and she took a deep breath, almost feeling Stephen there beside her.
So real was the sensation that she opened her eyes.
Opened her eyes and saw him standing there beside her, his dark hair tousled from riding, his eyes meeting hers with a heat that was scorching.
She flushed to the tips of her toes, realizing that she had been caught here like this in the most compromising of positions. So much for her pose of being distant and in total control of her feelings for him.
Lowering her arms, the cloak forgotten in her hand, she whispered, “Stephen.”
To her surprise he did not speak, only reached out and gathered her to him. Although she’d resolved to keep him from guessing her secret at all costs, Fellis could no more resist Stephen than the sea might resist the tide.
Eagerly Fellis met his mouth, showing him how much she had missed him in the hurt and anxiety of the past days, how much she had wished that he loved her as she did him. Even though she knew there was no hope for them.
But as her passion rose up in answer to him, Fellis felt a growing sense of rebellion against the fate that must keep them apart.
Why should she simply accept that there could be nothing between them? All her life she’d been too ready to acquiesce to the wishes of others.
No matter that Fellis must marry Wynn to secure the future for her people, why could she not go to him knowing that she had experienced some small amount of happiness? She pressed herself closer into the knight’s embrace. Why could she not have at least known the glory of this man’s passion?
Even now, with his lips on hers, she did not delude herself into believing it was love Stephen felt for her. A man like Stephen would not have such feelings for her. He was free to love where he would without the complication that caring for her would entail.
Yet, as he kissed her, she knew he felt something for her.
Stephen’s arms tightened around her and he drew her closer to him. The cloak slipped from Fellis’s fingers as she raised her hands to his shoulders. Her fingers splayed across his broad back and she let herself drink in the essence of him, all cool, wild and hot at the same time.
“Oh, Stephen, Stephen, I want you so,” she cried when he raised his mouth to press hot kisses to her lids and temples. “Hold me as you did that day in the forest. I long to know what it means to be a woman in truth.”
His hold on her did not lessen, but she immediately sensed a difference in him and looked up. The dark green gaze that met hers was bleaker than she could have imagined. He leaned his forehead against hers, speaking gently. “Nothing will happen between us, Fellis. You must know that it cannot.”
She wrenched away from him. “Are you telling me that you feel nothing?”
“Nay.” He shook his head wildly. “But it cannot matter. You are not for me.”
“You know Wynn ap Dafydd does not want me,” she said in frustration, feeling anger rise like a noxious vapor inside her. “You all seem to know what is best for me?” She glared up at him, pressing her hand to her chest. “Have I not proven myself capable of doing what I should, of facing my responsibilities as a woman?”
He nodded. “Aye, and more bravely than any I have ever known.”
“Then why do you persist in treating me as a child?” She wanted to strike out but she tried to control the impulse, wanting to make him understand. “That day in the wood when Ardeth called me the cripple, you thought that had upset me, didn’t you?”
He shook his head as if confused. “She meant for it to hurt you. She spoke out of her own pain and jealousy…”
“Well, it did not, beyond a momentary twinge.” She snapped her fingers. “I care not in the least what she thinks of me, because I know better. I have changed over the time you’ve been here. I have come to realize that I have some say in what happens to me and do not wish to use my deformity as an excuse to hide from making my own decisions.”
Fellis looked up at him, her hands riding her slender hips. “Why, sir, must you persist in treating me the way you say that others should not?” Her tone grew more reasoning and she did not even stop to consider that what she was saying revealed her own secret. “Stephen, even now you decide for me. You wish to keep me from making a mistake because you will soon be gone from here. And that is not your right. I understand that you must leave and still I wish for us to be together.”
Suddenly she knew why she was trying to convince him. There need not be anything for them beyond this moment. Fellis wanted Stephen to take her just this once, to accept her as a woman with a will and mind of her own. A woman who could choose what she would do in this instance. For the future was already settled for her. She said as much. “I want only what you would give at this moment and ask no more of you or myself than that.”
He gasped. “Fellis, you know not what you are saying. I could not do such a thing. You deserve better than a night of illicit passion. What manner of man would I be to accept such a proposal? You would only end in hating me.”
As he finished, there was a moment of silence as she tried to form the words she wanted to say next. How could she make him see that he was treating her as if she had no ability to reason for her own good? It was frustrating beyond measure.
Into the heavy silence intruded a sound, like the soft rasp of cloth over wood. It seemed to be coming from the doorway. Fellis looked up in fear that they had been discovered here together, possibly even overheard.
Stephen too must have taken note of the noise, for he went to the open doorway.
That seemed to break the grip of dismay that had held Fellis in its thrall. She realized how appalling this situation was. Here she was trying to convince Stephen to become her lover.
With a rush of shame she felt her face heat.
Stephen seemed not to even notice her change of demeanor as he turned back to her, his gaze dark with concern. “I can see no one.” Running a hand over his face, he groaned, “What might someone have thought if they had come upon us?”
Fellis had no answer to that, nor anything else he might say. Already had she uttered too much of what she should have kept inside.
She started toward the door then realized she could not return to her own chamber without her grandmother’s clothing. What would her mother say, for surely she had been gone far too long already?
With a soft cry of frustration, she reached for the lid of the chest. The latch proved unexpectedly stubborn and refused to work in h
er trembling hands.
She gave a start when she felt Stephen come close beside her. “Let me assist you.” He raised the lid without trouble.
This only served to agitate Fellis further. It seemed as if Stephen never lost control of himself and his emotions as she did.
Not even bothering to pay any heed to what she took, Fellis quickly gathered all she could into her arms and ran from the room—from him.
* * *
Later that same evening, Fellis was surprised to receive a summons to her mother’s solar.
Mary Grayson had not been in her chamber when Fellis returned from getting her grandmother’s belongings. So glad was she not to have to face her mother’s scrutiny after the humiliating scene with Stephen that she had not even questioned the reasons. She’d simply busied herself with first attending to the elderly woman’s physical needs, then visiting with her while she got up for a short time.
To Fellis’s even greater amazement her father was there in the solar when she arrived. He was seated in a cushioned chair beside the fire. His pose was a relaxed one, yet Fellis could not help thinking, as she entered, that he appeared ill at ease.
When he saw her, his expression changed to one of pleasure. “Fellis,” he said in welcome.
She moved forward to bend and kiss his cheek. “Father.” Since that day when she had gone to meet Wynn for the first time, her father had treated her with unwavering gentleness.
At that moment the inner door to her mother’s sleeping chamber opened and Mary Grayson emerged from it. She stopped when she saw them there and took a deep breath before coming forward.
Fellis looked to her father, who seemed as confused as she by this strange behavior. He continued to watch his wife with a perplexed expression.
Mary Grayson was quick to see this and began with only a slight hesitation. “I am sure you are wondering why I have asked both of you to come here this evening.” Though she spoke to both of them, her gaze was on her husband, and despite the obvious anxiety in her expression, there was also a hint of hopefulness there, as well.
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