Defect

by Danielle James

  I rolled with the punches when I found out about Vince having a son. I should have run the other way because any man that wouldn’t voluntarily take care of a child he created is a piece of trash. I had to learn that the hard way. I thought I was in love with Vince and there was nothing our love couldn’t withstand.

  Yeah.

  Right.

  The moment Malachi moved in with Vince, I bonded with him. He was the sweetest child and god he was smart. I’d never seen a child so smart. He was already reading. He loved music. His sense of humor was sharp. I couldn’t have loved him more if he were my own.

  After I bonded with Malachi, the abuse started. I called Vince out once I noticed he was completely hands-off with his own son. I was the one figuring out which school he should go to based on our district. I was the one buying him clothes and toys and taking him out. I was the one bathing him, cooking for him, and reading him bedtime stories. Vince went to work, came home and barely spoke to Malachi. He became increasingly agitated and pushy.

  One night he called Malachi a whiny bitch because he was crying. I lost my shit. We had a shouting match in front of Malachi and it wasn’t my proudest moment but I would go to bat for that little boy any day.

  The fight lasted off and on all night and once Malachi was in bed, Vince shoved me then slapped me. I thought I was losing my mind. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be in an abusive relationship. I hit him back and we had our first physical fight. It went on and on for months. He even hit his son. I stayed as long as I could to protect Malachi but eventually, I had to leave. I still found ways to help though.

  That’s why I was sitting in Amaris’ office after breaking into Vince’s house and violating the restraining order I had against him. How could I turn my back on that innocent baby? He had my entire heart.

  “Look, Amaris, I’ll deal with all that stuff later. I just need to know if you’ve heard from CPS yet.”

  “No, not yet. You know I’ll let you know immediately when I do. Malachi is still in the queue.” She looked down at her folded hands then back up at me. “How bad is it at home for him, Solana?”

  “The house is filthy. There’s only junk food and I could hear Malachi’s stomach growling in his sleep last night. He has scratches on his neck and they look fresh. I don’t understand how the fuck Vince could do such a thing. Malachi is a child. He didn’t ask to be born and he didn’t do anything to deserve the shit that happens to him.” I buried my face in my hands and let out a frustrated growl. “Also, he said he had to eat a cheese sandwich because his lunch account is zeroed out. What the fuck, Amaris?”

  “I’ll make sure to pack extra food in his book bag today before he gets on the bus. The accounts are automatic but I usually make sure his account has money in it. I try to do that with all the kids that don’t have money and don’t bring lunch.” I knew she was doing the best she could and I also knew that Malachi wasn’t the only student dealing with a tough home situation but he was my baby and my priorities lied with him. “Solana, please be careful. Do you know how dangerous it is to give Malachi a phone? What if Vince found it?”

  “I don’t know. I just know that Malachi needs to be able to get in contact with me or 911.”

  “I’ve never been is such a difficult position before. I want to get Malachi out of that house so I’m with you. I just…I worry about you. You’ve already been through hell with this man, Solana. He busted your lip and broke your jaw.” Her voice trembled under the weight of the memories. I knew it hurt her to see me in the hospital. I knew she wanted me far away from Vince too.

  “I know that. He hurt Malachi too. I can’t stand by knowing that this child is being abused and turn a blind eye. If I could, I’d put a bullet in Vince’s brain and adopt Malachi myself.” Conviction vibrated through my body. I envisioned pressing the cold barrel of a gun to Vince’s temple and pulling the trigger with ease. The fantasy brought me so much joy.

  “I get it. I do. I love Malachi too. I only wish you wouldn’t walk into the devil’s den the way you do.”

  “It’s terrifying but I’d rather be Vince’s punching bag than let him beat up on Malachi. He’s only six, Amaris. How many more hits before he doesn’t get up anymore?” One of my biggest fears was waking up to news stories of a child being beaten to death. I always turned on the news to check. It was a sinking, helpless feeling.

  “I know. You’re right, Solana. You’re so right and you’re so brave but understand where I’m coming from as your big sister. Please be careful. I’m doing all I can to get CPS to open a case of welfare. Once they do, we can start the process of removal from the home but I have to warn you it can take a while.”

  “Then I’ll be protecting him for a while,” I countered.

  “God, sometimes I wish you weren’t so feisty. You’re a yogi. You meditate and use essential oils and crystals. You really should be more calm and tranquil.”

  I smiled begrudgingly and shrugged my shoulders. “I’ll balance my foot up Vince’s ass while I balance my chakras. Don’t let the Namaste fool you.” I crossed my legs and wagged my foot back and forth.

  “I’ll talk to Malachi’s teacher and see if he’s complained about anything or if she’s noticed anything. So far this week he’s been hungry, sleepy, unkempt, and he’s had scratches on his neck.” My heart slipped a little in my chest listening to her read me notes from reports his teacher made.

  “I swear Vince doesn’t deserve air. How could you hurt a child? Your own flesh and blood? If I didn’t think I’d get my ass thrown in jail, I’d kidnap Malachi and make a run for it. I’m trying to be smart about this.” I rubbed the tight spot in the middle of my chest and inhaled slowly.

  “Are you? You gave a six-year-old a phone and you snuck into your abusive ex’s house to rock his son to sleep.” I could tell Amaris was torn and fed up and I knew I was stressing her out. I didn’t want to disturb her energy because I knew it was tough to get energy back on track once someone threw it off. So I stood to my feet and clasped my hands in front of me.

  “I’m not going to bother you anymore, sis. Please keep an eye on him today though.”

  “I will. You know it. You be careful.”

  “I’m good. Trust me. I’m spiritually protected.” I raised my necklace up and a beautiful chunk of amethyst glittered in the sunlight that filtered through her office windows.

  “Okay, Mother Earth. I’ll call you when school lets out.” She waved at me and I left her office. I lingered in the hall near Malachi’s class for a few moments. I couldn’t help thinking about how it would be if I did take him and run. I knew he wasn’t biologically mine but it sure as hell felt like it. I felt all the pain and heartache of leaving him in school when I didn’t know how his night would go or if his father would ignore him and the fact that he needed to eat.

  I forced one foot in front of the other until I was standing outside on the sidewalk. I had to force myself to get in my car and pull off. If not, I would have risked taking matters into my own hands.

  …

  When I left Malachi’s school, I went home to take a shower, grab a coffee, and get ready for work.

  After I left Vince, I took every penny I had and bought a cozy building in the historic district near Radcliff Community College where I taught yoga and meditation classes. I opened my own yoga studio, Sun Goddess Yoga, and I was content. I didn’t have a ton of money or customers but I was still a new business. I hadn’t even been open for a year.

  Once I was dressed in a pair of white leggings and a yellow tank top, I swept my long hair up into a bun and slid on a yellow headband. There was nothing more beautiful than yellow and white against my milk chocolate skin. I stopped to smile at myself in the mirror because if I didn’t, who would? Besides, I had been glowing ever since I left Vince.

  I made it my duty to build myself up after the abuse I endured. It wasn’t anyone else’s job to help me find my center again. I had to do it no matter how long and hard the journey was. So
sometimes I liked to smile at myself in the mirror.

  I made a cup of coffee while I ran through my checklist of what I needed before I set foot out the door. I had my duffle bag, my airpods, a change of clothes in case I got sweaty and needed to take a shower at the studio, and two huge bottles of water. I was ready to go by the time my coffee was done. I didn’t even bother with sugar or the vegan cream I loved so much because as tired as I was, I needed all the caffeine I could pour into my veins.

  Sun Goddess Yoga was five minutes away from my house. I could have walked there if I thought I had enough mental coordination but I was way too groggy for that. I pulled up in front of the pretty bay window and smiled again. I loved the huge yellow sun cling that decorated my storefront window. I’d picked the perfect location for the studio. It was nestled right in the middle of all the downtown Radcliff charm. Sun Goddess offered the perfect little pop of yellow to the adorable strip of stores and businesses.

  I went inside and turned on the news while I sipped on piping hot coffee. Even though I dropped Malachi off at school myself, I still watched the news to see if Vince was stupid enough to hurt himself or anyone else. That man was a menace and I wouldn’t feel safe until he was dead or behind bars.

  “Students at Inglewood High School continue to mourn the death of their football captain Everett Fredericks who was killed in an accident last month. The students and faculty have chosen to rename their annual Halloween dance to honor the fallen football star. Starting this year, the dance will be called the Everett Fredericks Dance.

  Fredericks was killed last month when a truck driver, asleep at the wheel, rear-ended the vehicle he was riding in. When we come back we’ll give you information on a frightening new bill passed in several states. Stay tuned.” I sighed at the TV and changed the channel to something else. Hearing about kids losing their lives hurt my heart.

  The news story about the car crash made my chest ache in a way I wasn’t used to. It was horribly sad but something else thrummed and sobbed inside of me. I couldn’t imagine the pain his mother must have been going through. To lose a son so young while he had such a great future ahead of him had to be devastating.

  I was going to have to meditate for a while before my energy was level again.

  …

  EZRA

  Principal Dorsey’s office was stale and too small. Everything in there smelled like Cheez-Its and there were too many piles of paper lying around for us to be in an age where everything is on the fucking computer. I turned my nose up as I listened to my mother speak to him.

  Being back home after losing Everett was torture. I never knew how many memories were carved into those walls and rooms. I never knew how many times I’d see him instead of me when I looked in the mirror. I never knew I could stay up for three days straight without passing the hell out somewhere. I just didn’t want to sleep.

  Every time I slept I saw him.

  Every time I slept, I saw myself.

  I hated both images. I only hated seeing Ev because I knew I could never talk to him again. I hated seeing myself because I looked like him and I was alive because of a cruel twist of fate.

  So when Mom told me it was time to go back to school, I was actually looking forward to it. I’d get out of that damn house. I didn’t anticipate all the staring, whispering, and snickering though.

  Whatever, it was still better than being watched like a hawk all day and being driven everywhere painstakingly slow. I’d gladly escape all the talks about how much my brain had changed and how I was a brand new person. I hated it.

  I didn’t feel different except for the constant thrum of anger pulsing through me. I remembered everything even when I wished I didn’t. The only thing that escaped me was the crash and everything surrounding it. Mom still treated me like I was the spawn of Satan though.

  “Principal Dorsey, Ezra is different now. He’s not the same child as before. He has difficulty controlling his temper. He’s still learning to work through his outbursts. I brought over the papers from the hospital that explain everything.” She handed him a folder thick as my pointer and middle fingers together.

  He glanced at me, adjusted his glasses then looked at the files my mother gave him. “Ezra, I know this is so hard for you,” he sighed heavily. I opened my mouth to speak but my mother jumped in for me. Since I left the hospital she barely let me speak to people on my own. It was like she was afraid I’d blow up on them.

  I wouldn’t.

  I only reserved that for her because I was still bitter over her burying Everett without letting me say goodbye. I was angry with her over a lot of things so she didn’t get to see the nicest side of me. I was tightly wound barbwire and I’d take chunks of flesh out of her if she got too close. She knew that.

  “It’s very hard for him. He doesn’t sleep much anymore and he’s so quiet.”

  Because you keep speaking for me.

  “It’s like he’s a zombie sometimes. I wonder if he can hear me or if he’s tuning me out. Honestly, I was wondering if you could put Ezra in special classes.” Principal Dorsey looked up at her then at me.

  “No. I’m not going to special classes.” Maybe my brain was broken but that didn’t mean I needed to be in class with kids who actually needed special attention. I just needed to get the fuck away from my mother. There was a huge difference.

  “We’ll see how Ezra does in his normal classes and if we notice a disruption then we’ll start him on an IEP plan and transition into special education.” He turned to me and smiled a tight-lipped smile. I was sick of seeing that same smile everywhere I looked. Like people knew I was broken and they didn’t want to stain their hands dealing with me.

  “You think you’ll be okay with normal classes starting out?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’d be even better if you and everyone else would stop acting like I’m a goddamn time bomb.” My mother shot the principal an apologetic look before scolding me.

  “Ezra, you need to watch your outbursts. Remember to breathe when you want to use curse words.”

  “Is he currently seeing a therapist to work through his anger and cope with his outbursts?” I felt like knocking shit over. I wanted to scatter every pile of paper on his desk and watch it float through the air like feathers.

  I wasn’t mentally challenged.

  I was angry.

  “You can talk to me. I’m right here,” I said in a gravelly voice.

  “I’m sorry, Ezra. Well, are you seeing a therapist?”

  “No, he’s not,” Mom answered with a nervous chuckle. She rubbed the back of my hand and I jerked away from her. When I stood to my feet, my frame swallowed the empty space in the office.

  “I’m leaving,” I announced. I stood in the hallway instead of sitting in there listening and not being able to respond.

  Classes were changing from homeroom to second period. Everyone seemed to stop and stare when they saw me. It was like they saw a ghost. I didn’t blame them for the reaction since most of them didn’t know I existed unless I was standing beside Everett.

  Antonio Morris walked past me and slowed in his stroll when he locked eyes with me. He used to be Ev’s best friend but he never liked me. Everett didn’t listen when I told him that his boy loathed me with a passion. Usually, Antonio was cool when Ev was around. It was when we bumped into each other in the hall that he had a chip on his fucking shoulder.

  I wasn’t in the mood for chips on shoulders or attitudes right then. I had a bone to pick with everyone in my path. “You’re back?” He sneered, taking a step closer to me. His goons fell in line behind him three-deep. I barked out a laugh, tipping my head back because I didn’t know who the fuck they thought they were intimidating. I wasn’t easygoing like I used to be. I was full of pain and anguish after losing my twin and I couldn’t take it out on my mother because no matter what kind of dumb monster I’d turned into I could never hit her.

  I could hit Antonio Morris though. Especially if he said the wrong thing at the wrong ti
me. Lately, it always seemed to be the wrong time.

  “You see me standing here right?” I asked, relaxing against the row of blue lockers.

  “No need for the attitude. I heard your brain is all fucked up so I guess I should expect it, huh?” He smirked and looked over his shoulder for validation from his squad. They gave it to him by chuckling at his dry attempt at humor. I wasn’t amused. “Ev isn’t here to save you anymore, unfortunately.”

  “Is it unfortunate for me or you? Because I’m not worried.”

  “Oh, shit. Listen to you. Your defective brain gave you some kind of edge. Still doesn’t matter. You know who runs this school. Pipe down before I have to make you. Ev was always too soft when it came to you. I’m not him.”

  “You could never be him.” I eyed his letter jacket and shook my head. “You want to be so bad though. Is that why you hate me so much, Toni? Because I’m Ev’s twin and you had to always settle for coming second to me?”

  “I said pipe the fuck down, defect.”

  “Defect,” the guys behind him laughed loudly and I felt fire scorching my skin, charring any bits of the old me that would shy away or back down. The new trauma inside of me was happy to unleash the savage rattling the bars of my broken brain.

  They wanted to see a defect? I was about to show them one.

  “What did you call me?” I asked, tipping my head to the side. I felt a dull throb crawling along my temples like a warning telling me not to flip the fuck out. I couldn’t help it. I felt my lips flatten into a line and my nostrils flare out, sniffing out any opportunity to snap.

  “A fucking defect. God must hate all of us since he took Ev and left us the defective twin. Piece of shit.” He drew his head back and I heard a snarl start in his chest and roll up his throat. He launched a wad of spit at my face. It slid down my cheek for a millisecond before I found my reason to snap.