Defect

by Danielle James

  “Ezra, are you okay?” She asked quietly. She pressed a warm palm to the side of my face and tipped my head up so she could look in my eyes. “I heard shouting.”

  “I got into it with my mother. She’s probably about to come out here. You should go before she chews you out too.”

  “Ezra, I’m a grown woman. She can’t chew me out. I’m more concerned about you. Your energy feels all…”

  “Fucked up?”

  “For lack of better words. Yes.” She rubbed the top of my head and wiggled her way between my legs. She felt so fucking perfect right there. I slid my arms around her and we hugged. “Today is the day you finish cleaning out your old house right?”

  “Yeah. I’m not looking forward to that shit.” Solana moved away from our embrace and I felt the fissures in my chest widen. I knew that if I could have one moment with her alone. One moment to put me back on my axis…I’d be okay.

  “Please call me if you need to talk, Ezra. I worry about you.”

  “I know you do. Don’t.” I stood to my feet and bent down to kiss the top of her head. She smelled like roses and sugar as usual.

  The innocent peck on the top of her head must have set something off in her because she grabbed me in a hug like she’d never see me again. “Don’t let anyone bring down your energy. You’re too bright of a star for that, okay?” I stared into her almond-shaped eyes like they held answers to all the questions. I watched her full lips part and I ached to put my lips on top of hers. She must have sensed the moment becoming dense with desire because she took a step back and put her hand on her chest.

  “Who are you?” Mom’s voice came from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw her staring at Solana. She looked like she was in awe. Solana had that effect on people. She damn sure had it on me.

  “Hi, my name is Solana Monroe. I live across the street. I realized I never introduced myself. I saw your son sitting out here and he looked upset so I started talking to him.” She was so fucking sharp.

  “My name is Nicole Fredericks. This is my son, Ezra.”

  “Nice to meet you. I was asking if he played basketball. He’s so tall.”

  “Oh no, Ezra can’t play sports. He has brain damage. That’s why we moved here to Radcliff. Inglewood was too much. I’m hoping to find some classes for him to take so he can get his GED. I don’t know if he can comprehend everything but it can’t hurt to try, right?” I looked at Solana after my mother’s dramatic rant and she opened her mouth then closed it without saying anything.

  I wanted to tell her that this was the shit I was talking about. This was why I knew I couldn’t do certain things and that every broken piece of me was a result of that crash. It took Everett away from me but it also took me away. Or at least the me I used to know.

  “Ezra, how old are you?” Solana asked.

  “Eighteen. I’ll be nineteen in July.” I said it in hopes that Mom remembered how fucking old I was because she was treating me like a child.

  “That’s perfect. I could use someone at my yoga studio if you think you’d be a good fit. It’s not a lot of pay but it’s something.” She was smiling and that smile could light up a summer day.

  “I don’t know about Ezra having a job right now.”

  “Oh? I was asking him. He’s eighteen, right?”

  “He is but…”

  “I know you’re looking out for him but what’s the harm in letting him see if he likes the job or not?” Mom and had no choice but to force a smile on her face.

  “I’d love the job. Anything to get out of the house,” I said.

  “Come by the studio on Monday. I also teach classes at the community college. We can talk about getting you in for night classes.” She winked at me and then waved at my mother. “My yoga studio is right up the street. It’s the only one in Radcliff. I’ll see you on Monday, Ezra.” I was busy staring at her ass unashamedly as she bounced across the street. She was a tiny thing but she was carrying that ass like an Amazon.

  “I see the way you’re looking at her. She’s a grown woman and she wants nothing to do with you. You’re not going to be able to have a normal life with girlfriends and things like that, Ezra. You need to start wrapping your head around that and not drooling over the neighbor.”

  “She’s beautiful. I can look.” I stared at Solana until she disappeared behind her door. Then I got up and stalked over to my mother’s car. My chest tightened like it always did whenever I had to sit in the front seat and click my seatbelt in place.

  “I’ll drive you to her yoga studio tomorrow so we can see how far it is from the house and what time they open. I don’t know about you getting a job that I can’t pick you up from and drop you off at though.” At that point, I stopped listening to her. I stared out of the window thinking about Solana and how no matter how much I wanted her I couldn’t have her.

  The minute she was in my hands she’d be stained by my storm. She’d be wrecked by my damage. I had to protect her from me. That was one thing Mom was right about. I probably would never be able to have a normal life or be in a serious relationship. Hell, I was lucky to have the friendship I had with Solana.

  I was beyond lucky.

  I couldn’t believe the way she stuck up for me. I couldn’t believe that my mother didn’t read her the riot act for speaking directly to me like I was an actual human being and not a fucking puppy.

  “Did you hear me, Ezra?” Mom’s sharp voice snatched me back to reality.

  “What?” I frowned. My brows crashed together on my forehead.

  “I’ll let you know if I think you should take this job or not. You don’t get to decide.”

  “Why not?” I asked her.

  “Because you’re going to make the decision based off of a pretty girl. I need to know if the job will be easy enough for you to comprehend.”

  “I can comprehend just fine.”

  “That’s what you think until you get into a situation that makes you angry and you fly off the handle instead of making a rational decision. I keep telling you that your brain isn’t the same anymore. You’re rash and volatile.”

  “A real fucking monster, huh, Ma?” My jaw flexed rapidly while I stared out of the window. I didn’t want to look at her because seeing her face would only serve to piss me off more.

  “You are a monster. Everett would have never spoken to me the way you do.”

  “I’m not Everett,” I growled.

  “I know. Every day I wish you were.” She pulled into the driveway of our Inglewood home and I felt like I would explode with rage and sorrow. The way it swirled and mixed inside of me made it hard to breathe.

  I was silent as I exited the car, slamming the door behind me. The sedan rocked side to side from the force behind my hand. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so hyped up on anger that you don’t know how to reel yourself back in. I can’t get you to go to church on Sundays and all you do is sit in the house.”

  “Because that’s all you let me do!”

  “That’s all I trust you to do!” She snapped back, walking around the car.

  “Damn, Defect. You’re still around? I thought we beat your ass bad enough for you to run away with your mother and never come back. You don’t learn huh?” The guy who started the fight with me before I moved to Radcliff appeared out of nowhere. He looked at me then glanced over at my mother who started at her fumbling fingers.

  “I don’t have time for this bullshit today. I don’t even know your name and you want to get your ass beat?” I fumed.

  “Ezra, ignore him and go in the house.”

  “That’s right, Ezra. Ignore me and go in the house before I call my boys and we finish the job. I feel like stomping you out early in the morning. Maybe we can put you out of your misery and send you with your twin.”

  “What did you say?” I asked, erasing the space between me and the asshole talking shit on the sidewalk.

  “Ezra! Go in the house!” Mom shouted, pressing her hands to my ches
t. She shoved me backward a few paces but all I saw was red. I was tired of everything and everyone. When I got close enough to reach out and grab the motherfucker at the end of the driveway, he ran off. Without backup he was nothing and he knew I would beat his ass relentlessly.

  “You can’t keep jumping at every fight like a damn dog!”

  “So I should let anyone talk to me any kind of way to stay out of trouble?” I asked, my brows pinched together in a scowl. I didn’t wait for her to answer. I stormed toward the house and waited for her to unlock the door.

  The keys jangled in her hand as she searched for the right one. When the door finally swung open, the smell of nostalgia crept up my nose, choking me with sadness. I stood still as a statue looking around the empty living room.

  I saw Everett and me running around the house, jumping over couches and making up stupid games. I saw us trying our hardest to trick Mom into confusing one of us for the other. I flared my nostrils to stop myself from crying. It was all too much. I raced up the steps two at a time until I came to the landing and face to face with Ev’s door.

  The knot in my throat turned into a boulder.

  I wanted my brother back.

  Nothing was the same without him and nothing would ever be the same.

  “You need to have your brother’s room clean by the time I get back tonight. That should be plenty of time for you to get everything done.” I spun around and looked at my mother like she grew three heads.

  Did she say I should have everything done by the time she got back tonight?

  “You’re leaving me here?” I quizzed in disbelief.

  “I have to work overtime. You can get this done by yourself. It’ll be good for you.”

  “Says who?” I exploded flinging my arms outward. Anger vibrated down to my fingertips.

  “Says me. I’ll be back later. Don’t go outside. Do you see what’s waiting for you out there, Ezra? Please don’t let your brain get you into trouble.” I was stunned to see her actually head back down the steps and out of the house, locking the door behind herself. I didn’t have the keys. I didn’t have a car and I knew for certain if I stepped out of the house, I’d get jumped again.

  With nothing else to do and nowhere to go, I went to Ev’s room. The moment I opened the door, sadness washed over me. It was heavy and clunky but I carried it with me all the time anyway.

  Thick plastic totes sat on the middle of the floor and all around his bed. “I hate her now,” I said to whatever part of my brother that was still able to hear me. “She wishes I were dead and it’s about the only thing I agree with her on.” I sat on Ev’s bed and felt my chest nearly cave in. “Why the fuck did you have to leave, man?” My chin trembled under the weight of my grief. It was too much.

  I looked at his dresser and walked over to stare at the pictures he’d taped to the surface. There were so many memories of us stretching from childhood up until right before he was killed. I picked at the corner of the collage with my nail until the tape holding it down lifted. Every picture of us standing side by side was like a blow to my heart. Shards fell into the abyss with each beat.

  “What the hell am I supposed to do without you? I’ve never been without you for this long.” When I dragged my eyes up to the mirror, I didn’t see my face. I saw his. I knew it was my face but right then I desperately need to see Everett so I did. I missed my brother. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to crack a joke to make me laugh. I wanted him to blast rap music. I wanted him to toss his football in the air and threaten to throw it at my head. I wanted to threaten to smash his face in with my fist. I wanted us to laugh about it all.

  The air in his room was too thick to breathe.

  I had to get out for at least a moment. I had to breathe normal air. I stepped into the hallway and sucked in deep breaths. I breathed the way Solana taught me and it calmed me momentarily. Nothing could help me through the torture of packing up Ev’s things though. I went through a range of painful bittersweet emotions that I couldn’t control. I was swinging wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other with nobody to help level me out.

  Why the hell did my mother think it was okay to leave me alone to do something so heavily emotional? It was more than the physical act of picking up his belongings and putting them into totes and boxes. It was knowing that each thing I touched was connected to my brother. It was knowing tat he touched everything I touched. It was knowing I’d never see him again or speak to him. He was gone forever and no amount of looking at his stuff would bring him back. The pain it left behind was staggering.

  Once I could breathe again, I walked into his room. I went back to the dresser and looked at the collage. My heart turned dense as it slid further down in my chest. I rested my head on the dresser and let out a tormented sob. It shook my ribs and deflated my lungs. The sorrow thrummed through me carrying numbness through my veins.

  I peeled the pictures off and wiped my stinging eyes with the bottom of my shirt. Once the entire thing was up, I laid it on his bed and looked around his room, trying not to let the storm raging inside me swallow me whole because if it did, there would be no more of me left. I would gladly leave this earth and be with Everett wherever he was.

  What was the point of sticking around anyway? My own mother thought I was a monster. She didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know me anymore either. Who was I without Everett? Who was I with a fucked up brain and broken thoughts?

  I was a defect.

  I was stupid.

  Worthless.

  Nobody would miss me if I went to the kitchen and found something sharp to end it all. Nobody.

  Except for…her.

  Solana’s face flooded my mind like the sunrise. Thinking of her sadness made me move away from the dark thoughts crowding my head. She was the only person that cared about me.

  She was my friend.

  I needed a friend right then.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pressed her name. I had several sunflower emojis next to her name because that’s exactly what she reminded me of. I held the phone to my ear and shut my eyes praying that she answered.

  “Hey, Ezra. What’s wrong?” She asked like she knew I wasn’t okay.

  “Solana…I need you,” I said. I tried my best to keep my voice together. I tried not to give into everything trying to tear me apart.

  “Where are you?” She asked with urgency coating her words.

  “My old house.”

  “Where’s your mom?”

  “She left. I can’t do this shit alone.”

  “Text me the address, Ezra.” I could hear her shuffling around on the other end then I heard the dinging of her car. My fingers flew over my keyboard. I sent her my location and she said, “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in a little while. You want me to stay on the phone with you until I get there?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  “Okay.” She kept her promise and stayed on the phone with me until she pulled into the driveway of my old house. “I’m here,” she said. “Open the door.” I’d never been so relieved before in my fucking life. Solana was a hit of oxygen when I was suffocating.

  We stood in the doorway staring at each other for a few beats before she crashed into me. Her scent made me shut my eyes so I could lose myself. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

  “She left you here by yourself to clean out your brother’s room?” She asked, touching my face. She wiped the sheen of sweat from my forehead.

  “Yeah. I thought I would be okay but this shit is hard, Solo.” I closed the door behind her and she slid her palm against mine, lacing our fingers together.

  “You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

  “I’m sorry I called you all the way over here. I didn’t even ask if you were busy.”

  “If I was busy, I wouldn’t have answered. I’m here for you,” she told me. I felt the sincerity coming from her and it drilled through the ice block in my chest.

  She was there for me. She was the
only person I knew I could call who would come. She showed me what a true friend was. The only other person who would have dropped everything for me was Everett.

  “Show me his room,” she said giving my hand a squeeze. “We’ll do this together. I’ll be gone by the time your mother gets back.” I nodded and took her upstairs. Everett’s door didn’t seem so intimidating with her beside me.

  It amazed me how much presence such a little woman had.

  “Wow,” Solana said as she approached the bed and saw the collage. “This is amazing. Is this you?” She asked with a smile. She pointed to one of the many pictures.

  “No, that’s Everett,” I chuckled sadly.

  “Oh my god. I just knew I’d be able to tell y’all apart. I suck.” She pulled her long black hair up into a ponytail on top of her head and took her shoes off. Seeing her get so comfortable in a room that nearly made me take my own life was amazing. She sat in the lotus position on Everett’s bed and I sat beside her. For the first time since he died, I didn’t feel like I’d slip off into the depths of the ocean being in his space without him.

  “It’s okay. It’s your first time seeing him.”

  “He was so handsome.” Her smile was sad. She reached over and placed her hand on top of mine. I felt her palm heat up and I sighed. Solana felt like home. She felt like comfort. Like a warm bed and my favorite blanket.

  “Thanks,” I gave a dry chuckle.

  “I can see the difference between his eyes and yours. He was so…”

  “Alive?”

  “Yeah but so are you. He was vibrant and charismatic. You’re quiet and constant.”

  “He was always charismatic. Everybody loved Ev. He was friends with everyone from jocks to geeks.”

  “He was fun,” she smiled, rocking from side to side. I loved how bouncy and upbeat her energy was. I don’t remember ever being able to feel energy before Solana but I could definitely feel it now and hers was addictive.

  “He pulled me out of my shell all the time. Right before the…crash,” I said trying to dislodge that word from my throat. “He was pushing me to get this girl’s number. That shit seems like it was a lifetime ago.”