Bearly Christmas

by Becca Fanning

  She was quiet for a moment, thinking about her mother’s opinion of her. It had always been pretty low. She was always trying to get her oldest daughter to change, to be something different, something better. To live up to her impossible standards. But would she hate Joanna for something she couldn’t change? Something Joanna didn’t want to change?

  Because what Sherman had said was true. She couldn’t stop shifting, now that she knew what it was like. The freedom of being an eagle, of soaring through the skies, of going where she pleased solely by the power of her own two wings, was something she never wanted to give up. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

  A knocking sound interrupted her thoughts, and they both turned to see Matthias sticking his head down the hatch. “We’re docked.”

  Sure enough, she noticed now that the boat had stopped moving. She looked up at Sherman, who still held her close.

  “I’ll go with you,” he offered.

  She shook her head. She was grateful for the support, but his presence would just make it worse. Her mother would be even angrier if there was an outsider there. Especially a bear-man. She didn’t think her mother would be able to get past her irrational fear long enough to hear reason.

  He nodded, but he looked a little hurt. “Okay. But you call me if you need me.”

  She nodded her agreement. Then she straightened her spine, preparing herself to face her mother.

  CHAPTER TEN

  The house was deserted when Sherman dropped her off half an hour later. She checked the old grandfather clock in the hall. It was nearly six o’clock. The shop was closed, and normally her mother or Selena, who was nineteen, would be putting dinner on the table right about now. But the kitchen was empty, the stove cold. Strange.

  She made her way upstairs, figuring she’d get out of Sherman’s too-big clothes before facing her mother. She took a shower, scrubbing away the sweat and grime of the night. She’d somehow gotten very dirty during her flight, even though she’d mostly been airborne.

  When she was clean and dry, she got dressed in her most conservative, and therefore mother-approved, outfit. She brushed her hair and parted it the way her mother liked it, and even put on the lipstick her mother had given her for her last birthday, though she normally hated wearing makeup.

  Lastly, she picked up the carved wooden pendant from where she’d placed it on the dresser the night before. She traced the familiar pattern - an eagle - with her fingertips. She’d never thought about the significance of it before now. She’d treasured it because her father had made it for her. He’d carved it from cedar and strung it on a leather cord, spending weeks perfecting it before finally giving it to her on her sixteenth birthday. He’d left just days after that.

  She’d almost tossed it in the days immediately following his abandonment, too angry at him to want a reminder of him. How could he leave when he so obviously loved her, loved them all? But her grandfather had told her to keep it, that the eagle was a sacred symbol of their tribe and their family. Eventually she’d worn it simply as a reminder of the love that once filled their house. It gave her hope that one day her family could be happy again.

  Now she wondered why he’d chosen that particular symbol to give to her. Had he known what she would become?

  She was startled out of her reverie by the sound of the front door slamming below. She tied the pendant around her neck, the movement as familiar to her as breathing. Then she turned to leave the room.

  When she reached the hall, she heard a strangled cry. She turned to see her mother standing at the top of the stairs. Her skin was drained of color, and she stared at Joanna like she was seeing a ghost.

  Joanna opened her mouth to apologize for her absence. “I-”

  She couldn’t finish her sentence before her mother closed the distance between them and enveloped her in a fierce hug that squeezed the very air out of her.

  “Oh, my Joanna Sky. I thought you were dead,” her mother whispered.

  Joanna stiffened. “What?”

  Her mother leaned back, pushing Joanna’s hair back behind her ears. Her eyes roamed Joanna’s face and body as though looking for something. “We couldn’t find you anywhere this morning. We had no idea what happened or where you were, so we started looking.” She swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. “We found the remains of your pajamas in the road.” She pulled Joanna back into her arms, rubbing her back just like she had when Joanna was very young. “I thought the worst.”

  Joanna closed her eyes. “I’m okay, Mama.” She felt a lump in her throat. She hadn’t called her mother that in years and years. But it felt right, if only just at this moment.

  But then her mother stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest. “Then where were you? You had us all worried sick! The girls and Grandpa are still out looking for you.”

  Joanna bit her lip. She wasn’t sure how to tell her mother everything. She wasn’t sure she had the words. But maybe there was another way she could explain.

  “Maybe it’s better if I show you.”

  “Show me? Show me what?”

  Joanna took a deep breath. “Please. Just come with me.”

  Her mother’s brow furrowed. “All right,” she said slowly.

  So Joanna took her mother’s hand, leading her down the stairs and out onto the back porch. She told her mother to stand on the porch steps. Then Joanna stepped out onto the lawn.

  She took a deep breath, reaching for the hem of her shirt and whipping it up over her head.

  “Joanna,” her mother hissed. “What are you doing? The neighbors will see you.”

  Joanna barely refrained from rolling her eyes. “The closest neighbors are almost a mile away,” she pointed out. Her mother opened her mouth to argue, but Joanna held up a hand. “Please, Mama. Just let me do this.”

  Her mother scowled, but ultimately nodded. So Joanna continued until all her clothes were neatly folded and piled on the porch steps next to her mother. Then she stepped back, closing her eyes.

  If she could shift from eagle to human by the power of her thoughts alone, then the opposite must be true to shift into her eagle self. At least, she hoped so. So she quieted her mind, focusing on the feeling of the wind between her feathers, the buoyant lightness of being airborne, the raw, awesome power of her beak and talons. She felt the now-familiar pinching sensation, and then she was the eagle.

  She heard a shout, and when she opened her eyes, her mother was splayed on the porch steps like she’d fallen, her hand over her heart.

  Joanna let out a cry of distress, hopping forward on her claws. Her mother opened her mouth in a sort of silent scream. Joanna held out her wings, like she was taming a wild beast. Which was kind of funny, since at that moment, she was the wild beast.

  Her mother continued to stare at her, though gradually her expression softened, and Joanna realized she wasn’t hurt, just shocked. Her mother stood up, moving closer slowly, almost cautiously. Her eyes were wide, her lips were parted, and some of the color was finally returning to her cheeks. If Joanna didn’t know any better, she’d say her mother seemed almost proud. But she wasn’t familiar with how the emotion might look on her mother’s perpetually angry face, so she told herself she was just imagining it.

  “Oh, my Joanna Sky,” her mother whispered, reaching out a bony hand to her. She gently stroked Joanna’s head, and she closed her eyes, shuffling her wings. “You’re so beautiful.”

  God, she wanted to hug her mother. She wanted to put her arms around her and tell her how much she missed this, missed the times when she provided love and comfort instead of judgment and censure.

  And proving again that her thoughts could direct her state, suddenly she was human again. Her mother jumped in surprise. When she’d recovered, she quickly handed Joanna her clothes. Once she was dressed again, her mother gathered her into her arms.

  “When did this start happening?” she asked after a long silence.

  “Last night was the first time,” Joanna replied. She kept her fac
e buried in her mother’s hair, so she wouldn’t have to look her in the eye.

  “Last night? Why didn’t you come home earlier?”

  She thought about it for a moment. She could tell her that she didn’t know how to shift back, or that by the time she figured it out, she was too tired to come back right away. And none of that would be a lie. But today was a day for being brave, so she opted for the subjective truth, as Sherman might say.

  “I didn’t want to face you,” she admitted in a whisper. “I thought you would be angry with me. I thought you would judge me for what I’d become. That it would be just another thing that wasn’t good enough.”

  When Joanna finally got the courage to look up, her mother looked horrified. “Oh, my Joanna Sky. I’m so sorry.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “I never wanted you to feel like you weren’t good enough. I just wanted what was best for you.” She drew a shaky breath, blinking rapidly, and Joanna was shocked to realize that her mother was actually close to tears. In all her life, she couldn’t remember a single time she’d seen her mother cry.

  Joanna also blinked, surprised to find herself nearing tears, too. “I’m going to be twenty-five next month,” she said gently. “You have to let me figure out for myself what’s best for me. You have to trust me.”

  Her mother nodded. “I do. I trust you. I just…” She sighed. “I have a hard time giving up control.” She looked off into the distance, her gazing going soft, unfocused. “I think that’s why your father left. He wanted more freedom. He wanted to live his own life, make his own rules, not live by mine.”

  Joanna frowned. “So he left us because of you?”

  Her mother winced. “I guess he did, yes. He told me on your sixteenth birthday that he wanted a divorce.” Her mother looked back at her, and her eyes were soft, pleading. “But Joanna, I had no idea he would disappear without a word. That he would abandon you girls. I never wanted that.”

  “So you really don’t know where he is?” Joanna had always wondered if her mother knew what had become of her father, but she’d been too intimidated to ask. Anytime she even mentioned her father, her mother had forcefully changed the subject.

  Her mother shook her head in answer. “Please believe me, I never wanted to take your father from you. If I knew where he was, I’d tell you. I know how much you loved him. That you loved him more than you love me.”

  Joanna closed her eyes. “I love you, Mama. I always have. I’m sorry if I never said it. If I never showed it.”

  Her mother pulled her close again. “No,” she said firmly. “It’s my fault. I’m not easy to love.”

  Joanna laughed. “I’m probably not, either. I’m too much like you.”

  “Not even by the bear-man?” Her mother’s tone was hesitant. “I saw the way you looked at each other the other night.”

  Joanna’s brow furrowed. Love might be taking it a bit far. Intense attraction, definitely. And a growing mutual respect. But love? Maybe one day, but not yet.

  But more importantly, was her mother actually saying she’d be okay with a bear-man being in her daughter’s life? “I thought you wanted me to stay away from him?”

  Her mother took a deep breath, like she was trying to steel herself. “I worry about the bear,” she began.

  “But he’s in control of everything he does as the bear,” Joanna said, jumping in before her mother could continue. “I know that now. We’re still ourselves, just in an animal’s body.”

  Her mother’s eyes softened. “I know. But it’s hard for me to accept that a bear can be harmless. Joanna, I was raised to believe that the woods were dangerous. That you can’t trust anything in there.”

  “But you let Dad take me out into the woods all the time.”

  “And I fought him about it all the time.” Her mother sighed. “Look, we could spend all day here rehashing the past. But I think your future is more important right now. I can do my best to be gracious to the bear-man-”

  “Sherman,” Joanna muttered.

  Her mother nodded. “Sherman,” she grumbled, as though it pained her to say it. “I can accept him. If that’s what you want.”

  Joanna looked at her mother for a long moment. She didn’t exactly look happy at the idea of her daughter being with someone like Sherman. But she seemed sincere in her promise to let Joanna direct her own future.

  The question was, would her future include Sherman? Would he want that? There was all kinds of heat between them. But that seemed to be almost in spite of his intentions. She knew what she wanted, but was she brave enough to fight for it?

  She stood, then helped her mother to her feet, too. She might not know what Sherman’s wishes were. But there was only one way to find out.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Joanna chewed on her inner lip as she waited for Sherman. She’d texted him over an hour ago, giving him the coordinates to her dad’s cabin. He’d texted back a moment later saying he’d be there, but she hadn’t heard anything since.

  She’d decided to fly, figuring it would get her there faster than the alternative, a combination of driving and hiking. She made sure to bring clothes with her this time. She’d rolled them up and tied them together with a shoelace, to make it easier to carry in her talons. She felt pretty proud of that little innovation. Less than twenty-four hours as a shifter, and she already felt like she was ahead of the curve.

  The cabin was small, with a single room encompassing living room, bedroom, and kitchenette, and a separate bathroom with a narrow shower stall. Joanna and her father used to bunk here on summer weekends when she was a girl. The younger girls had never been interested in any of the outdoor activities that Joanna and her father enjoyed, so it had become a special spot for the two of them. After he’d left, she’d continued to use it as a sort of home base when she came up the mountain. She’d always thought that she’d live up here one day, if she could ever convince her mother to let her move out. Now it seemed like more of a possibility than ever before, given her mother’s willingness to let Joanna make her own way.

  She heard a snuffling sound outside, followed by heavy footfalls, and she froze. She’d cranked the generator when she’d gotten here earlier, so there was soft yellow light spilling out onto the porch. A peek out the window revealed a familiar figure approaching - a black bear with honey-colored eyes. He had a reusable shopping bag dangling from his mouth, and she smiled when she realized he must have brought his clothes with him, too.

  She pulled her gaze from the window, giving him a chance to shift and get dressed. She didn’t need to be distracted by his naked body right now. For once, they needed to have an open, honest conversation about what they both wanted, and she wouldn’t be able to do that if she was thinking about sex.

  She cast her eye about the room one more time, making sure everything was tidy and clean. She wanted the cabin to make a good impression on Sherman. If she had her way, they would be spending a lot of time here together in the future.

  After a moment, she heard a knock. She took several deep, steadying breaths as she crossed to the door, then pulled it open.

  She flashed him a smile, and he returned it, though he looked a little nervous. She silently ushered him in, shutting the door firmly behind him. Then she turned to look at him.

  His gaze roamed the little cabin, taking in the worn furniture, the old quilt adorning the double bed, the avocado appliances that were nearly sixty years old.