Undeniable

by Laura Stapleton

  Beth crossed her arms for warmth in the cooling air. Considering how easily he claimed to care for her, she wanted to believe his words as much as he did. Yet, fear held her back from accepting his proposal. “I love you as well. Give me time to consider what I want for my future, and I’ll give you an answer when we reach the others.”

  “Fair enough. I can wait.” He went to where his shirt draped over some brush.

  Nicholas’s bare torso distracted her as did his damp pants clinging to his legs. She looked out into the fading light and suppressed a sigh. To go a lifetime without love seemed unbearable, but the notion of being with any other man felt intolerable to her as well. She glanced at him as he rifled through the saddlebag. Had he felt the same the first time they lay together? That he’d betrayed Sally and sullied their love?

  He interrupted her thoughts by holding out blankets to her, asking, “I’m wondering if we should bother with a fire tonight.”

  She unwrapped her bedding from him, checking for damp. “Maybe not. The bedrolls are mostly dry.”

  “Sounds like we’re set.” He smiled at her, his eyes sad. “Let’s bunk down and see what tomorrow brings.”

  “Maybe I’ll come to my senses?” she teased.

  “I can only hope.”

  The next morning progressed as usual. She knew enough about bears to consider Nicholas behaving as one today. He didn’t say much at breakfast and even less as they traveled. The food and water refreshing her must have done little for him. A few attempts at lightening his mood later, Beth decided to let him have his demeanor.

  A line of rocks buried like a monster’s backbone loomed ahead for most of the morning and behind them in the early afternoon. They skirted Emigrant Pass and passed so many springs, she couldn’t keep the names straight. They saw a large crowd camping at Willow Springs but Nicholas never slowed, letting the horse walk past everyone. She wanted to hug him in gratitude. Other men might have made her go along into the middle of everything, exactly what she hated. “Thank you,” she said close to his shoulder.

  He looked back at her, lips near hers. “You’re welcome. I’d like to go a little further than usual for midday. If we get to Independence Rock before dark, I can guess where Sam and the men are by now.”

  Beth didn’t know what else to say. Lingering behind the group all the way to Oregon, having Nicholas to herself sounded like heaven. Not, however, if she shared him with Sally’s memory. He’d not mentioned much of her before rescuing Beth. Maybe them being alone and intimate had reminded him of how much he loved his former wife. “How close are we to them?”

  “That’s tough to call. Everything depends on how long they spent stopped at any one place. Most stay at Independence Rock a few days if they get there before July 4th.”

  “We’re close to the rock ourselves though?”

  “Yes, very. Keeping our noontime short and riding into the late evening, we can reach there just before dark.” He paused before asking, “Did you want to press on or hang back a little?”

  “Press on, please,” she replied and saw him nod as he nudged the horse into a faster walk. A couple of hours later, her stomach growled and he laughed. He slowed Buck’s pace and dug around for leftovers. She ate the sweet biscuit he offered and used canteen water to wash it down.

  “There it is. If you need to, we can stop before we get there.” She shook her head and he pointed toward the southeast. “There’s always a lot of people there. I wouldn’t ask you to go with me except I’d prefer to not leave you alone. Plus, I need to check when Sam and our company passed by here. With any luck, the group stayed a few days knowing we’d be right behind.”

  “Don’t worry, I can go. It’s nice you thought of me.” She looked up at the late afternoon sky. She’d worked hard today to resist asking him about Sally. Enough time for thought had passed that Beth didn’t want to hear how wonderful the other woman had been. Daggart gave enough lectures about Lizzy since her death. Nicholas was sure to do the same. The sadness in Nicholas’s eyes at the mention of his wife reminded Beth of why she must refuse his offer. Better for her to marry any other widower than him. Accepting Nicholas’s proposal meant longing for a man who’d never give her all his heart. At least if she married another widower, they’d be each other’s second choice.

  Independence Rock appeared to be a lot closer than it was. The time seemed slow and their destination more distant than when they’d first noticed the landmark. “Does it usually take so long to reach the camp there?”

  Nicholas laughed. “Yes, always. I’m anxious too.”

  She rested her forehead against his back in frustration. “If I could be certain of staying seated, I’d ask to gallop.”

  “We’ll be there before too much longer.” He patted her leg. “Did you want to stop for a drink or rest?”

  “I do, but no. Let’s just get to fresh water and tonight’s camp.” Beth looked forward to being around other people, even if it meant more noise and crowding. She looked at Nicholas, reluctant to share his attentions with anyone else. Once united with his men and Amelia… She sighed, not wanting to think any more.

  “We’ll beat the sunset, I promise.”

  True to his word, she noticed Independence Rock eventually loomed large. She saw people going about their business. “Where will we sleep tonight? Every spot seems taken.”

  “We’ll go out of the way. Most people won’t backtrack for anything.”

  “Thank you,” she said, squeezing his arm for emphasis.

  Nicholas glanced back at her, grinning. “You’re very welcome. Also, I’m very selfish like that. You’ll be all mine tonight.”

  “I don’t know…” she stammered, leaning away from him. Beth knew she might have been too forward in touching his arm.

  “We’re friends, correct?”

  Had she heard a little clip to his tone? “Yes we are, and can spend the night together, but not quite together.” She waited for a reply, but he didn’t respond for a long while.

  Nudging the horse into a fast walk, he said, “I’m eager to find Sam’s message. So, when we get there, could you please lead Buck to the water and maybe some grass.”

  “Of course.” Beth examined the ground passing underneath them. She hoped better grazing lay past the Rock and closer to the river. A few minutes passed until the smell of cooking, cattle, and people overpowered the light scent of sage. “How do you know where to find the message in all this?”

  “Sam and I have a place we like. It’s out of the way, where people usually have to pay young men to climb.”

  “Isn’t getting up there dangerous?”

  He helped steady her as Beth slid off the horse. “A little for me, a lot if a person is reckless. But I’m not.”

  “I’m glad and will see to Buck while you find your secret message.” She waited until he dismounted. “Please be careful.”

  He grinned, chiding her, “Why, Miss Roberts, I’m beginning to suspect you like me. Let’s meet here later.” With a tip of his hat to her, he walked towards Independence Rock, now a huge wall of stone in front of him.

  Beth wanted to watch him climb but Buck stamped at the ground, distracting her. “Let’s go, boy.” She led him past various campsites. He picked up the pace, pulling her to the river. She smiled at the beast’s impatience. The animal stopped hard at the water’s edge and nosed down to drink. While Buck kept busy, she searched for Nick and spotted him near the top. Fear froze her in place. If he fell from that height, Beth knew he’d not survive. She turned away from the monolith and back to the serene horse. He’d reassured her, but still, accidents followed no schedule. Beth couldn’t imagine her grief if he lost his grip on the rock and died. For a brief instant, she shared a taste of the pain both Nicholas and Daggart held every day.

  She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat. Imagining a world without him tempted her into accepting any condition he’d place on their relationship. Beth shook her head, knowing being Nicholas’s consolation pri
ze in life wouldn’t be enough for her. She turned to scan the stone for him but didn’t see him. Had he already fallen and she’d not noticed? Terror gripped her. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be calm and look for him again.

  Panic set in when she didn’t see him, and she focused on the rock surface to keep the fear at bay. Time stretched like hot taffy during her search. Each flicker of movement caught Beth’s attention until she saw it wasn’t Nicholas and dismissed the motion to resume scanning for him.

  “Interesting, huh?” said Nicholas in her ear.

  He startled her with his proximity. She’d been searching so hard for him at a distance she’d not seen him approach. Relief filled her and she hugged him tight. “You made it! I’m so glad you didn’t fall!”

  “Me, too.” He snuggled into her, adding, “They’re one, maybe two days ahead of us.”

  “Is that good?” She slipped from his arms when Buck nuzzled her back.

  “Yes. We’ll catch up, get your belongings, and settle this mess of who you’re married to once and for all.” He took the reins from her hands. “We can eat, maybe visit with others around here, and sleep, then start fresh in the morning.” He stopped at a spot close to the water but not so near anyone else. “We don’t have a lot of daylight left. Would you like to freshen up first? Maybe I can trade for some meat to go with the rice.”

  “Very well, I’ll take the opportunity. Is there anything else I can help you with in the meantime?”

  “No, not until you’re done at the river. “I’d like for you to wash up before dark.”

  “I will, and thank you.” Beth pulled down saddlebags from Buck’s back while Nicholas unsaddled him. He walked away with a wave, and she tied off their horse for the night. Finding the soap, Nicholas’s hand cloth, the cook pot, and the canteen, she went to the water.

  Certain the spot she’d picked was well enough away from anyone else and she could see the riverbed, Beth took off her shoes and socks. She left everything but the canteen on the bank and strolled out to the middle of the river. She dumped out the stale water before filling the flask and drinking. Sweetwater lived up to its name. A few more gulps later, she refilled the container, capped it, and went to the bank. The sky grew ever darker, Beth noticed, so she hurried to wash herself. When she was as clean as a person could be while still dressed, she filled the cook pot half way for dinner. One hand held the water steady and with the other she held her boots stuffed full with socks, soap, and hand towel.

  Nicholas still hadn’t returned to their scant camp. Buck and the belongings remained just where he’d left them. Beth searched the gloaming to see if he approached. So many people loomed around the river that he must have found others he knew.

  Hungry, she started a fire, letting it build while mixing up beans and rice. She took the time while the food cooked to set out their bedding for the night. Dinner smelled good, especially after the respite she’d had in eating it. Beth looked at the saddlebags. She wanted to read his Bible and reached for the book until remembering the picture of Sally lay between the pages. Was it the only one, she wondered? There had to be more. Beth shook her head. She had no need to see any more proof of how wrong Nicholas was for her. Impatient to get the day done, she dished up and ate her meal. He hadn’t returned by her last bite. Beth sighed, placing his plate over the pan in case he wanted it later. She felt full and weary and laid down. A few blinks and she fell asleep.

  Beth woke shivering in the predawn light. She sat up with a start and looked for Nicholas. He slept in his own bed, and she smiled when hearing his soft snore. She saw the clean dishes and knew he’d eaten. She settled back under the blanket and hoped to sleep. The cold seeped into her bones, chilling her too much to rest. The sky lightened enough to keep her awake, and she decided to get started on the day. She kindled the fire, enjoying the heat. Coffee sounded even better, so she took a quick trip to get water. Once the cook pot sat on the embers and she’d thrown in a few coffee beans, Beth began mixing biscuit dough in a cup.

  In a short while, the rich smell of breakfast competed with the wet aroma of the sagebrush covered in morning dew. Nicholas sat up, rubbing his eyes like a little boy. “Good morning. Is it ready?”

  She smiled at how drowsy he sounded. “Almost.”

  He got to his feet. “I’ll see to the horse.”

  “This will be ready soon.”

  He nodded an assent and walked away. They shared a cup when he returned and then ate without much talk. Both used to the routine, they made quick work of cleaning and packing up the few belongings. Buck began a brisk walk at his owner’s urging. After a while, Nicholas said, “I’m looking forward to tomorrow night. My bet is on us finding everyone else by then.”

  “I’ve been keeping a watch along the way for my trunk, in case Daggart discarded it like he discarded me.” At Beth’s admission, Nicholas reached back and patted her leg. She leaned against him in a silent thank you. His warmth in the morning chill made her sleepy and she yawned. She sat up and focused on the open landscape, intent on staying awake and not falling off the horse while asleep. Air and distance gave the rolling hills a blue haze, while the bright green shrubs offset the white seed heads of the prairie grass. She smiled at how the hills closest to them looked like a loaf of bread baking in the sun. Only, this loaf had a section cut out as if God himself wielded the knife. She pointed out the landmark to Nicholas. “Will we be going through that particular pass?”

  “We can, but I don’t think you’d care to ride through Devil’s Gate. It’s a channel for the river.”

  “That’s the name of it?” she asked and continued after his nod, “Oh, then no, we won’t.”

  Still grinning, he looked back at her. “We can walk around and even up to it. There’s a pool on the other side. Shallow, sandy, but nice. You’ll get a good look without having to get in the river itself.”

  “Your plan is much more pleasant. Let’s do that.”

  Nicholas laughed at her answering the question before he’d had a chance to ask. “Yes, ma’am.”

  They walked on, skirting the Gate. Others, some pushing carts, already took advantage of the water at the south side. He continued on a little ways, passing the crowds. Beth gave his arm a squeeze. They resumed after a quick stop for drinks and to stretch their legs.

  The trio hugged the Sweetwater River as the route eased from southwest to straight west in direction. The sun shone so bright, it whitened the sky to blinding. The snow in the higher parts of the low mountains to the west of them surprised her. She speculated that must be why the stiff breeze blew so cold from that direction. The low, granite hills shimmered in the late morning sun. Every so often a warmed crosswind seemed to thaw her. She wanted to stop for noon but preferred waiting until Nicholas found something to hunt.

  The abundant pronghorn compelled them to wait. Nicholas pulled Buck up short, seeing a herd to the right. He pointed to the west. “Did you enjoy the antelope from yesterday?”

  Following his direction, she smiled as she saw the herd grazing in the distance. “Yes, so when you have the chance, please do.”

  He withdrew his rifle from the holster and took aim. She felt him tap the horse in a warning, leveling the weapon. Both seemed to hold their breath. She heard him whisper, “One, two,” and the loud blast of the gun. In a couple of seconds, the animal he sighted dropped dead.

  The herd scattered as Beth exclaimed, “Good shot!”

  “Thank you, ma’am. I hope you wanted antelope for dinner.”

  “I did, very much.” She waited until he secured the rifle and then leaned forward, wrapping her arms around him. “How soon can we eat?”

  “As soon as we get there.” He nudged the horse into a gallop. She hopped off first, him following when they reached the animal. “I’ll cut what I can. We’ll ride back closer to Sweetwater for camp.”

  She nodded, not squeamish, but still not wanting to watch him gut their hunt. “We’re rather low on everything. Dinner might be all
meat and some coffee.”

  “Do we have enough for tomorrow morning?”

  “Yes, but only just.”

  “We can skip coffee this evening and make up what’s left of the flour for tomorrow.” He cut more of the flank. “That way, we can leave out early and catch up sooner.”

  She nodded. “I might take Buck back to the river, if you can carry everything.”

  “Yes, leave me the cook pot.” She placed the pan next to him and he put the cut meat into it. “Thank you, I can use this while you get us some water.”

  “Very well.” She left, leading Buck a couple of hundred yards back to the river. She eased to the water’s edge to let the horse drink. While the horse drank, she checked if Nicholas could see her. His back was to them as he continued to butcher the antelope. Counting on his distraction, she removed her dress while still wearing her underclothes and began washing her bodice. She took the chance to rinse her lower skirt as much as she could without getting in herself. After wringing out the water, she spread her dress out to dry. Her underclothes, though thin, still kept her decent, so she took Buck back to their new camp a little ways up the bank. She cared for the horse, and just as she finished staking out Buck, Nicholas returned with a pot full of meat. She felt guilty for not fetching water or starting a fire. “The task didn’t take you very long.”

  His easy grin reassured her. “I’ve had practice.” He knelt, digging around in his saddlebags for his flint kit. Once a small flame burned, Nicholas stood. “If you don’t mind, I can get the water while I’m taking my turn to clean up. I feel like my mouth is coated with dust.”

  She walked with him to the river’s edge. “Don’t worry about supper. I’ll bring back the water and get it started while you’re washing.”

  He pulled off his boots, leaving on his socks. While shrugging off his shirt, he stretched, saying, “You could help me bathe.” He grinned at her while undoing his pants.