Blue Hell And Alien Fire (Middang3ard Book 4)

by Ramy Vance

  “Maybe you could sacrifice something else. Like an animal or something?”

  The Smuggle’s eyes went wide with disbelief. “How dare you?” he shouted, stomping his foot. “We sacrifice you. Now, silence. We must cover you with the sacred honey.”

  Three Smuggles stepped closer, each of them holding a bucket. They started to cover Suzuki’s face with sweet-smelling honey, which made Suzuki’s face tingle. Obviously, he would have preferred to live, but as far as human sacrifices went, this one could have been going a lot worse.

  Suzuki still hadn’t accepted his fate. He thought that maybe there was still a chance he could talk his way out of this. “So, what are you putting on my face?” Suzuki asked. “It smells pretty good.”

  One of the Smuggles looked up, his face grim and serious. “Ritual love juice,” he answered. “Collected from strongest men. Stored for months.”

  “Oh. Well, it smells great.”

  “We know.”

  Across from the Smuggles, Beth laughed. “That is so gross.” She giggled. “Death by Smuggle jizz. Who would have thought?”

  A voice came from the jungle. “Death by badass ass-kicking is more like it!” it shouted.

  Suzuki wished he could have turned and seen where it was coming from.

  He already knew who was crashing through the jungle.

  Only Stew would have bothered to give away his position and the element of surprise. Suzuki wished his head wasn’t tied so tightly, so he could adequately roll his eyes and plant his face between his palms.

  This was the end. This was how they were all going to die.

  Stew leapt out of the jungle and landed in the clearing the Smuggles had made. He was wielding two hand axes, and he raised them above his head, ready to chop down whatever was in front of him. The size of the Smuggles was enough to make him hesitate for a moment, though. “Wait, those are what captured you guys?” Stew asked incredulously. “Little fucking blue men?” Stew leaned forward and kicked one of the Smuggles, sending him flying into the jungle. “You might as well have gotten caught by fucking Beanie Babies.”

  A few of the Smuggles went screaming into the woods, holding their caps as they ran, looking as if they had encountered madness. Stew was obviously getting off on it, hamming it up and pretending to be a monster of Godzilla-level destruction.

  The few Smuggles who remained pulled their weapons. Stew couldn’t help but laugh when he saw them preparing to attack. “You guys gotta be kidding me.” Stew sighed as he gazed at the small blue men. “Don’t know when to quit, do you?”

  Something in the jungle clicked—the sound of machinery. Stew looked over his shoulder as a bolt was fired. The bolt came in low, close to the ground. It struck Stew in the leg and nearly tore through his ankle. Stew screamed in pain as he toppled over and landed next to Suzuki. The Smuggles jumped onto his body, prodding him with their weapons. Stew squirmed as the Smuggles who had run into the forest returned, carrying ropes and netting. Despite Stew’s strength, the Smuggles were fast and efficient. They tied Stew down within a matter of seconds.

  Once Stew was secured, the Smuggles backed away and looked at their work. “Very good,” one of the Smuggles said to another. “Fast, good work. He will make good sacrifice as well. Cover him in love honey!”

  The Smuggles leapt and laughed with joy as they went to the forest for more honey. They returned almost immediately and got to the task of covering Stew with it. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Stew shouted. “Are you rubbing Smurf cum all over me?”

  Suzuki wiggled and squirmed until he was able to turn his head to face Stew. “We’re calling them ‘Smuggles,’ and yeah, that’s exactly what they’re doing. Trust me, it’s not nearly as bad as you think.”

  “I don’t care if it smells heavenly. On principle, I ain’t letting no one rub their love juice on me unless it's Sandy’s idea, or they happen to be extremely hot.”

  “Uh, thanks for the info, dude.”

  Stew strained against his bonds and sighed exasperatedly. He looked like a giant child throwing a tantrum. “This sucks, dude,” Stew whined. “This is what we get for helping people! That’s why it's better to be a wolf than a hawk.”

  “You do realize that wolves are pack animals who help each other and a hawk is a solitary hunter with no flock?”

  A rock hit the back of Suzuki’s head. He turned around to see where it had come from.

  Beth had managed to get one of her hands free. She smiled and shushed him as she continued to try to free herself.

  On the other side of Suzuki, Stew was still complaining. “This ambrosia better be fucking choice,” he moaned. “I am not going to suffer this indignation for some weird-tasting mushroom just because José used to like it a lot.”

  Suzuki interrupted Stew’s rant. “Hey, quick question. How the hell did we get separated?”

  “Oh, that? I slipped you and Beth one of those magical beetles Chip sent us with. Figured it would loosen you up. Then you went running into the woods. Me and Sandy didn’t bother going after you because we thought y’all were trying to get your fuck on. Next time I’ll know better than to let you two wander off without a chaperone.”

  “A, thanks for drugging us, asshole. B, shit, those things must have been strong.”

  “Last time me and Sandy took ‘em, we danced on top of the Red Lion for a whole night. It was pretty sick. That was why I was down with getting the ambrosia. I figured if Chip and Diana were into it, it was probably going to slap pretty damn hard. Didn’t know it would involve Smurf rip-offs, though. Could have done without the Smuggles.”

  Suzuki did his best to nod. “Where the hell is Sandy?”

  “She thought it would be better to launch separate attacks. I wasn’t listening. I had been licking a beetle for a while.”

  Suzuki groaned. “Remind me not to try any shit Diana or Chip give me outside a relatively safe environment.”

  “Eh, we should be good. Sandy will be here any minute. Although, she was sucking on a beetle as well…”

  There was a crash from the right, and trees exploded, and leaves went flying. Sandy stepped into the clearing. She clasped a red amulet that hung from her neck and levitated a few inches off the ground. Her skin turned ashen-white and flaked off. The ash revolved around her and transformed into a loose gray-black cloak, her body now nothing more than bones. A horrifying mask covered her face, eyes wide and mouth drawn up in a perpetual sneer. “Who are my enemies?” Sandy shouted. “Who has made a compact with death this day?”

  Sandy looked around the clearing. There was no one other than the three Mundanes. She touched back down on the ground. Suzuki assumed that if he could see her face, it would have been very disappointed. “Aw, shit,” she muttered. “I thought I was going to get to kill something. How the hell did this happen to you guys?”

  Sandy floated over to Beth and knelt beside her. Before she could take hold of any of the bindings, a Smuggle stepped out from behind Beth’s head. Sandy yelped as she fell back—an interesting sight, a pile of floating bones squealing with surprise and falling on its ass.

  The Smuggle pulled out a knife and approached Sandy cautiously as she sat up. “These are what fucking did you in?” Sandy asked, her voice mocking.

  Stew shouted from beside Suzuki, “Babe, be careful! Those fuckers are crafty.”

  Sandy stood and pointed at the Smuggle. “You will release my friends or face the consequences.”

  The Smuggle smiled and threw its knife at Sandy, who waved her hand, obliterating the weapon easily. She drew her bone wand and cast a fireball that sent the Smuggle flying. “That was hardly what I was hoping for,” Sandy said as she leaned over.

  A shout came from the clearing. The Smuggle was back. It now levitated a few feet off the ground and was chanting softly. A ring of fireballs conjured around the Smuggle as he opened his eyes and smiled viciously. He pointed at Sandy, and one of the fireballs flew toward her.

  Sandy stepped to the side to avoid the fi
reball. Another one came flying at her, and she slashed through it with her wand before firing a streak of lightning. The Smuggle moved the fireballs into the path of the lightning, destroying it.

  As Sandy and the Smuggle dueled, more Smuggles came out of the jungle. There were at least ten of them, and they all had floating magical fireballs surrounding them. Sandy didn’t notice them until they blasted her from the back. She fell over, knocked out, her body and clothes returning to normal. The Smuggles acted fast and covered her body with ropes and a net.

  All four of the Mundanes lay on the jungle floor, bound. They were silent for a few moments. Suzuki had really been expecting Sandy to get them out of the situation. He hadn’t said it to Stew, but he’d come to see Sandy as the second in command. She was as levelheaded as Suzuki and was the powerhouse of the Mundanes. Everyone pulled their weight, but Sandy’s single-minded focus on acquiring knowledge raised her into the realm of cosmic badass. Suzuki wouldn’t have been surprised if she was inducted into a pantheon of gods by the time they were done with sorting out the Dark One’s invasion.

  The Dark One. He had only been a boogeyman to Suzuki for a few months, but all that changed after Suzuki saw the bizarre, faceless being hell-bent on bending dimensions to his will. Suzuki had been having nightmares about the Dark One since they finally looked each other in the figurative eyes.

  Sandy groaned as she started to wake up. “What the fuck happened?”

  Stew laughed riotously, far too carefree for the situation they were in. “You just got knocked the fuck out.”

  “No more the fuck than you.”

  “Babe, I didn’t black out.”

  “At least I had to be hit hard enough to go down.” Sandy scoffed. “What did you do, roll over and give them a nice view before they tied you up?”

  “Babe, that’s your view. I would never.”

  Beth imitated Stew’s and Sandy’s flirting in her worst baby voice, drawing each word out in the most cringe-worthy way. After she had gotten everyone’s attention, she asked, “What’s the plan for getting out of here? Or are you planning on waiting until I break out?”

  Stew laughed, as good-natured as before. “You think you’re going to be the one who busts us out of here and saves the day?” he asked. “Obviously, you need to start going on more quests with us. I’m the hero of the Mundanes. You can ask anyone. I’ve pulled us out of more jams than anyone else.”

  Suzuki wished he could have shaken his head. Stew was still so damn full of himself. At least it was worth a good laugh.

  The Smuggles were making their way out of the jungle. There were more of them than before.

  Nearly sixty.

  They surrounded the Mundanes, chanting and humming under their breath. They were wearing a variety of headdresses and beautiful, colorful robes.

  Suzuki stared at the Smuggle closest to him, a pot-bellied little guy holding a ceremonial knife. The Smuggle was swaying as if he were listening to music and hummed softly. “At least we get to die being a part of something bigger than us,” Suzuki offered. “A sacrifice is kinda cool.”

  There was a loud boom, and the Smuggles stopped their humming and chanting. Suzuki wished more than anything that he could sit up. Curiosity was killing him. Whatever the sound was, the Smuggles hadn’t been expecting it. “Oi! Hold onto your knickers for a second,” a familiar voice shouted.

  It was Chip, the eccentric Chipmaster of the Red Lion. The Mundanes had been desperate for someone to upgrade their HUDs for them. Over the course of the last few months, they had become closer than friends.

  At first glance, Chip looked to be a regular half-human, half-elfish gearhead, but, as the Mundanes had only recently found out, Chip’s technological proclivities were a result of her being an android creation of the Dark One. She’d been put through the wringer during their last mission when she’d had her will taken and been forced to kill José, the former leader of her party. Most days, she kept to her room. Suzuki was surprised to hear her voice, let alone on a tropical island.

  “Yes, yes, please hold on!” said another voice Suzuki assumed was Diana with Chip. She was also a member of Chip’s party, the Horsemen, although it was hardly a party anymore with only two people. Diana was their mage. She was known throughout all Middang3ard as a fierce warrior and a baffling academic with a penchant for eating bugs that had interesting effects. Even though she was much more approachable than Chip, she was the Horseman Suzuki knew the least about. It was as if she had shrouded herself in mystery. She was so mysterious, you didn’t even know she was mysterious.

  Chip and Diana stumbled into the clearing. The Smuggles halted everything and stared up at the human and the android. Before the Smuggles could attack, Diana knelt and produced a vial filled with gold and pink glitter from her robes. “We noticed you were so kind as to find our friends for us,” she said. “As a reward, we’d like to offer you this glitter.”

  The eyes of the Smuggles sparkled as brightly as the vial of glitter. They crowded around Diana as she handed them the vial, which was roughly the same height as they were.

  A Smuggle with a long white beard and scars covering his face walked up to the one holding the vial and examined it. “Nice sparkle,” he said as he appraised the glitter vial. “Enough for whole tribe. Nice sparkle, indeed. Catches sun just right. Beautiful vial. Worth the lives of your friends. You may take them.”

  Diana bowed low and smiled. The white-bearded Smuggle held out his hand, and Diana took it and kissed it lightly. Then she and Chip undid the Mundanes’ bindings and helped them to their feet.

  Suzuki looked down at the Smuggles. Their attitude toward the Mundanes seemed to have changed completely. One of the Smuggles came up and kicked Suzuki’s foot to get his attention. Suzuki took a knee so he could talk to the Smuggle. “Sorry about the killing you try,” the Smuggle said. “We sacrifice most off-islanders. Most off-islanders try to burn our village. Take us and make us live in clear cages. Our apologies. You do not seem like the ones who take us to cages. They never bring us glitter. They not even bother learning we like glitter.”

  Suzuki shrugged and smiled as he extended his hand to the Smuggle. “No problem,” Suzuki said. “Everyone makes mistakes. Just glad my friends showed up before you guys finished the ritual and everything. Although it did sound pretty interesting.”

  The Smuggle held up his hands as he grinned. “Hold thought. Be right back,” he exclaimed. The Smuggle ran over to the Smuggle with the white beard, and they chattered with each other excitedly. Then the Smuggle came back to Suzuki and kicked Suzuki’s foot again. “We would like to invite you to the ritual,” the Smuggle said. “Big feast afterward. For apologies.”

  “That sounds great! I’d love to go.”

  Diana and Chip sauntered over to the Mundanes. “Looks like you four could still do with a lot of mentoring,” Diana said. “Here I thought there was finally a party to rival the Horsemen in their heyday, and you got captured on your first easy quest.”

  Sandy crossed her arms and pouted. “Okay, you didn’t see those guys,” Sandy disagreed. “They were packing serious firepower.”

  Chip threw her arms around Sandy’s shoulder and laughed. It sounded hollow and less full of life than before. “Oh, she’s just yanking your tailfeathers,” Chip said. “Diana knows all about the inflated power of these wee shits. That was why we came when we heard Milos sent you on a little fetchy-fetch quest. Figured you might want a hand or two before you lost all of yours.”

  Diana nodded in agreement as she watched the Smuggles preparing for their ritual. “Yeah, I made sure to grab some glitter for the occasion. Smuggles love glitter,” she explained. “I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with them a few years ago and do some research on their tribal and ritual magic. Fascinating people. I won’t lie, I’m very glad you four got captured. I don’t think the Smuggles would have invited us to their ritual without feeling extremely contrite, and I’ve always wanted to see one of these up close. I’ve
heard they’re fascinating. And a little inappropriate, as well.”

  Chip glanced at the Smuggles, then pulled a small bag out of her pocket. She opened the bag and showed the contents to the Mundanes. The bag was full of multicolored beetles. “Anyone wanna get wacky and go stargazing?” she asked.

  The Mundanes sighed. “Sure,” Sandy said as she grabbed a beetle and tossed it in her mouth. “This is kind of a vacation, right?”

  The ritual started a little past midnight. It took place in the clearing the Mundanes had been captured in.

  Not that one would have recognized it as such. The clearing looked completely different than it had earlier. Small huts had been built, and a throne occupied the middle. The Mundanes were told where to sit and encouraged to be quiet and watch. What took place was worth remembering.

  Diana was the most excited about the ritual. She had a notebook and pen out and was already taking notes. The rest of the Mundanes were also excited, but they had no idea what to expect. Everyone had encouraged Stew to keep his mouth shut during the ritual. Offending natives who had just extended the olive branch of peace sounded like a terrible idea.

  A horn cut through the silence of the night. Once the horn quieted, the Smuggles came out of the jungle wearing white loincloths and white hats and lined up in two queues. They carried torches and chanted softly. Some Smuggles danced around the queues, throwing glitter into the air or at the chanters. Finally, the chanting Smuggles surrounded the throne. More Smuggles came from the woods, each of them carrying boards, nails, and hammers. They began the task of building a hut around the throne. The chanters continued to sing somberly as the other Smuggles worked. Once the hut was built, the builder Smuggles mingled with the chanters.

  The Smuggle with the long white beard stood before the throne. He covered himself in glitter, took off his cap and tore it in two, and unleashed a wounded scream. He continued to scream as he spoke in his language, beating his chest savagely as the Smuggles around him chanted loudly. Then he knocked on the door of the hut. The Smuggles stopped chanting, and a hush hung over the clearing.