“You didn’t need to. I’m fine.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “I’ve watched you for months, Zach. You’re not fine. The burnt pile of ashes that used to be your clothes is not fine. Talk to me.”
“There’s not much to say. We all know what happened, and we all know there’s nothing we can do to change a fucking thing.”
“That’s true. I know how hard it is to cling to things that once were, and there hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of your sister. We all let her down that night. Leo tries to take blame, your dad does too, while Sparks and I stand from the outside looking in, going over what we could’ve done differently. And then there’s you. You’ve held down your grief for months, with everyone around you thinking you’re dealing when you’re not. Why aren’t you leaning on Nina?”
For fuck’s sake, not Cas too. Is there not one person out there who doesn’t give a shit about my life?
“There must’ve been times when you thought Alannah would be better off without you, without the club?”
He pulls the cigarette from behind his ear and moves it between his fingers. “Funny enough, there hasn’t. Shit’s got real bad a few times, but it was her I fell on when I couldn’t go to my brothers. She’s the one who will be there for me each and every fucking time I need it. Shit, she knows when I need her before I do.”
“So you’d put your love for her before keeping her safe?”
He cocks a brow, implying that I’m overstepping, but fuck it.
“That’s not what I said, boy. What happened to your sister was a tragedy that knocked us all on our asses, but what is this life we live if we don’t get to have a sliver of light? Our women bring our light. If it weren’t for them, we’d all be in a different place in life. I get it, you’re scared something will happen to your old lady, to your kid, but shit happens in all walks of life, Zachery.”
“It’s bound to happen more in our world than others,” I argue.
“What are your plans, then? You let her go, she eventually meets someone else, and the kid calls him Daddy because you’re not around. You’re just the scumbag biker who can’t be relied on, and you what? Smoke your way through life, hating yourself for things that can’t be changed? It’s not a way to live.”
A tear rolls down my cheek and I look away. I don’t need him seeing it.
“It’s more of a life than India has,” I choke out.
“So you’re self-tormenting out of guilt?”
“No…”
I stop. I can’t explain it, not to him. Hell, I don’t understand myself anymore.
“No one will ever forget her, but life does move on, Zach, and you have people who need you.”
“There are people who need you.”
“Yeah, I have an entire club…”
Shaking my head, he pauses. “No, my dad needs you. He’s had enough time away. He needs the club back.”
He nods, and a small smile plays at the corner of his mouth. These are the words he’s been waiting to hear. I told him after the fiasco at Thanksgiving that he needed space and time. The club has been true to their word of staying away, but that time is over. My dad needs the club. He needs his patch and his brothers.
“Go home, Zach. Remember what it is to live. Your baby will sure remind you.”
I face my president, the man I’ve looked up to all my life. The man who was just as proud as my dad when I earned my patch.
“I appreciate you coming out and trying to help me, but I’m not there yet. I might not show how I’m feeling around everyone, but on the inside, I’m dying myself, Cas. No matter how many times you tell me to do the right thing, I can’t agree with you. They’re both better off without me and this world we live in.” And no one is going to change my mind.
“You can’t see it now, but in time, you’ll see how much you’ve missed out on. And then, you’ll have to live with that too. You’re building an army of regrets and ghosts, and the longer you let it go on, the harder it’ll be to break free of them. Go home.”
That’s what I do. I go home to the club with Cas’s words haunting me, until slowly fading to echoes.
More fucking echoes to deal with.
Nina
I didn’t think it was possible for your hands to shake uncontrollably for such a long time.
As I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, wearing the black dress I had to go out and buy yesterday so I can look respectable for India’s funeral, I feel like my life is shrinking to nothing. The white plastic stick sits on the edge of the bathtub with the positive result glaring up at me. Zach and I have always been up-front and honest with each other, but how can I tell him I’m pregnant with his child, roughly eight weeks along, bringing new life into the world when we’re about to say goodbye to a girl who lost her life far too soon? She wasn’t even on the earth for two decades. It was no time at all to explore the world and enjoy her life with Leo and Rayna—with her family. She’s never going to see her little girl grow up, never hear her cries. She’ll never hear her cheeky giggles. Nausea envelopes me, and I hover over the toilet. The little I did manage to eat for breakfast hits the water, and sweat pebbles across my face until I’m done and staring back at my reflection.
How the hell am I going to announce I’m having a baby when she doesn’t get to be a mother? Zach’s been too quiet since that night. Twice he’s cried, and only when we were in the privacy of our bedroom after he’d had too much to drink, causing his walls to come crashing down. When he’s around the club, he’s stoic, and he gets on with things. Brothers are waiting for him to crack, but he shows no sign of opening up, and that’s okay. I’m going to be here for him every step of the way, and when it does hit him, I’ll be ready.
A knock at the door jolts me from my stare-off in the mirror with myself, and I flick the lock open.
“Are you nearly ready? She’ll be here in a few minutes.”
Zach stands there, cold and detached, but breathing and going through the motions for the sake of living.
“All ready. Is your mom and Dad here yet?” I ask.
I look up at him to see why he’s not answering me, and find his gaze zeroed in on the pregnancy test.
“What the fuck is that?”
Fire lights up his eyes, a flicker of emotion reigniting him, and while they burn, I grow cold when they settle on me.
“Is that yours?”
Shit.
“Yes, and it’s positive. We’re pregnant.”
He’s staring straight at me, but he’s not seeing me, not one little bit. I don’t know where he’s gone in his head, but from the motionless state he’s in, it can’t be anywhere good.
I step forward, placing my hands on his chest while he keeps his gaze on the stick.
“We don’t have to deal with this today. Forget what you saw, and let’s go say goodbye to your sister.”
I’m almost pleading with him. He steps back, leaving my hands lingering in the air. Dropping them to my sides, I desperately want to hold myself, protect myself from whatever’s racing through his head. It doesn’t look good from where I’m standing.
“Why? Are you not going to be pregnant after the funeral? Why did you take the test this morning, of all mornings, if you didn’t want to deal with it today?”
I knew it was going to be difficult telling him, but I wasn’t expecting him to be this vicious.
“It turns out, it wouldn’t have mattered when I took the test, as I would’ve been pregnant whenever. Please, Zachery, let’s go. We’ll talk later.”
“Talk?”
His top lip pulls up and I step back. “No, you can’t be pregnant. We use protection every time.”
* * *
I should’ve known by that sentence he didn’t want children. I replay that morning over and over, sometimes changing his reaction to one of joy and surprise. There’ve been a few times I know he’s felt connected to this baby. A small touch on my belly, or a thoughtful gaze while looking at my bump, but th
ey were few and far between. The rest of the time, he was keeping me at arm’s length, and it brought a black cloud over a time that should’ve been happier.
The doorbell rings, bringing me out of my musings, and I sigh. I’m not especially close to anyone at the club, and Zach’s the last person I’m expecting at the door. Plus, he has a key, so he wouldn’t ring the bell. Through the small window in the front door, I see it’s Harper.
Opening the door, she steps inside, and I quickly look out onto the street to find she’s alone. We get along just fine, but we’ve never been ones to hang out without the guys around, or if we’re not at the club and have no choice but to be around each other. She comes across as happier in her own company, and I’m happy to be the same. Well, most of the time.
“First, I’d like to say bravo on the fire last night. I’d have done something similar if JJ did to me what Zach is doing to you. Second, I’m here to make sure you’re okay, because I know you don’t have any family around. And third, my cousin’s a dick.”
Her ramblings makes me smile. Harper’s had her own demons to slay, but she still sees the world through clear eyes, always trying to look for the positive in everything.
“I’m just tired, and I won’t argue with you over him being a dick.”
She follows me into the kitchen and takes a seat at the table. I grab two mugs from the cupboard and pour us both a cup of decaf. The sugar and cream are already set out on the table, so she helps herself when I join her.
“You’re more than tired, Nina. How are you really feeling? I’m the queen of projecting something other than what I’m really feeling, so you can’t fool me.”
She’s right. “I’ve never been this scared in my life.”
There, it’s out. I’ve said it out loud.
“What are you scared about?” she asks, stirring her coffee.
“This one’s birth.” I rub my hand over my stomach. “I was fretting about it when I thought Zach would be at my side, but now I’m doing it alone, and the unknown is the scariest thing in the world.”
Her hand slips across the table and latches onto mine. “You won’t be alone. He’ll get his head out of his ass and come crawling home, begging you to forgive him. I’ll admit, he’s cutting it close, but he will.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I want him to now, not after last night. I’m scared, but I know I’ll survive because soon, I’ll be holding my baby. But him? I don’t understand him anymore. We should be putting the baby before our crap, a baby he doesn’t even want. I don’t know. I—”
“Of course you want him to come home. You’re just hurting, Nina.”
“No, Harper, it’s more than him hurting me. He walked away, like it’s the easiest choice he’s ever made. It goes much further than being hurt—I’m fucking numb.”
“Have you spoken to Kris or Slade? They won’t let you go through this alone. Fuck, I’m not letting you go through this alone, so you don’t have to worry there.”
Smiling for the first time in days, I squeeze her hand in return before pulling away. “I haven’t tried getting in contact with them. The last time I was around them, they didn’t even know I was there.”
“This isn’t right.”
No shit, it isn’t, but what can you do when you’re up against an impenetrable wall of grief?
“Why is he doing this? It’s one thing leaving you, but to distance himself from the baby? I just can’t figure him out,” she murmurs.
“Welcome to my world,” I snort. “I’ve spent months trying to work him out to no avail. The only half-assed explanation I’ve gotten from him as to why he’s gone is that we fight too much nowadays.”
She rolls her eyes. “That’s understandable after everything that’s happened. Shit, I wish I’d kept my mouth shut and never chose her.”
This time, I reach across the table and squeeze her hand. “Don’t. I saw him with my own eyes that night. He was crazy, and we’re lucky no one else was killed. I’ve never felt fear like that before, and I still think about it every single day.”
She offers a small smile as I take my hand back. “I have good days when it’s straight in my head, but then I have bad days, when the voices are screaming at me all the different ways I could’ve done something differently.”
“I guess that’s only natural. That night was traumatic, and not one of us thought we had a chance of walking out of there alive.”
“It’s not just that night, it’s everything that’s happened since—everything that’s still happening. So many ripples affecting so many people’s lives. Sometimes I think I want to go back to a time before I came to this town, but then I wouldn’t have met Jay and felt what real love is.”
I don’t think there will ever be a day she won’t beat herself up over India. No one will ever be the same.
“Lately I’ve been wondering where I’d be if I’d never met Zach,” I admit sadly.
I hadn’t lived in Willow’s Peak for a while before my mom asked the club to find me. I returned and stayed by her side as she passed away, and I’d planned to leave until Zachery forced himself into my life. I could be anywhere now. I wouldn’t be hurting over a guy, nor would I be pregnant and alone. I would just be me, anywhere but here.
“Sounds like you regret it.”
“Look at me. Zach would rather get high at the club than be here with me. What’s there not to regret?”
My eyes fill with tears, but I refuse to let them fall. How many times can you cry over a man before you start to hate yourself for it?
Zachery
“If I asked you to find my sister, could you?”
I drag my eyes away from the pool table where Luca is playing a brother, and they land on Tal, the newest brother to join the club. He’s a few years younger than me, but he has this way about him that makes you believe he’s older.
“You don’t have a sister.”
“Why would you say that?”
Rolling my eyes, I focus back on the game. “Because I looked into you for Cas, and you have no family. Unless you’re a fucking liar and there’s something you should tell us?”
“I’m no liar, but I do have a sister. She has a different name than me.”
“Yeah? Why do you want her found? And why don’t you know where she is if she’s your sister?”
“It’s a long story, but I know you can find anyone if you want. I’m asking if you can.”
“You already know I can, so what are you really asking?”
I don’t know what his game is, but he isn’t being straight with me.
“I’m asking how you do it.”
There it is, the little thing called the truth.
“I use Google.”
He’s a brother, but none of the other brothers gives a damn how Dad and I find shit out, and it’s spiking my suspicions as to why he’s so interested all of a sudden.
I’m saved by Leo walking through the door with Rayna perched on his hip. Clocking me, he heads my way.
“Here, sit with Uncle Zach while Daddy goes to find Grandpa.”
Before I register what he’s saying, he’s dumping her on my lap, and her beady brown eyes are staring up at me. I’m entranced for a beat; she has India’s eyes. Alannah and my mom have said it from the day she was born, but I’m only seeing it now for myself. She’s lost the baby look, and she’s growing up to look just like her mom. Her little eyes hold my gaze, and I can’t stand it. When Alannah walks in, I jump out of my seat and hand Rayna over to her. Going to leave, I’m stopped when JJ blocks the exit as he talks on the phone. From the look on his face, it’s obvious he’s not getting good news.
“I’ll round up some brothers. We’re leaving now.”
The call ends, and he puts his fingers to his mouth, piercing the air with an ear-splitting whistle. Brother’s quieten and look his way.
“Myles and Mase are in town. Trouble’s kicking off at Josie’s Bar. Let’s go.”
Leo walks out of Cas’s office with
the man himself, and Cas quickly turns back. A moment later, as brothers are heading for their bikes, he returns and hands Leo an envelope, which he tucks inside his pocket.
Twelve of us ride into town. When we arrive, the place is quiet, and the twins are walking across the street from the diner.
“What’s the deal?” I holler as they step up their pace into a light jog.
“Eight guys, not from around here, kicked off with us, but we handled it,” Myles says, flexing his fists. Both of their knuckles are bleeding. You can see the adrenaline still pumping through them, exciting them.
“Another club?” Leo asks, digging out the envelope Cas gave him.
“No patches, just assholes.”
How random.
“You get hungry or something?” JJ asks them, as they were coming from the diner.
“Nah. We took Emma and Aspen over in case they came back. Josie’s flipping her shit. The bar is trashed,” Mason replies.
Leo nods before disappearing inside to pay her off. The last thing the club needs is the cops on our case because the twins were defending themselves.
“Nina and Harper are over there too,” Myles offers.
I don’t know why Harper is with her. I didn’t know they were close. From the corner of my eye, I see JJ dart across the street.
I head inside the bar to find Josie looking a little less pissed with a wad of cash in her hand. Mason wasn’t exaggerating, the place is a mess. Broken chairs are scattered around the place. The felt on the pool table is ripped, a pool cue’s sticking out of the jukebox, and the mirrors around the walls are smashed.
She’ll be closed for a few days, and it’ll cost us more in the near future. We’ll have to cover her loss of trade too, not just damages.
“You know this is most likely the twins’ doing,” Leo remarks, taking a look around.
“Two on eight. I’m surprised it doesn’t look worse,” I add. “Did Josie recognise these guys?”
His Last Chance : Sons of Lost Souls MC Book Seven Page 4
