“No. She said they’ve not been in before. Likely out-of-towners.”
Great. Hopefully a one-off occurrence, then.
Back outside, some of the brothers have left, and JJ’s walking over with Harper and Nina. For a few brief seconds, I let myself take her in. She looks so tired and weary, her stomach lower than the last time I took notice of it. When she spots me, there’s no lingering look between us. Instead, she ducks her head and ignores me.
It’s better this way.
I head for my bike and straddle the seat, just as she climbs into Harper’s car. Harper kisses JJ before getting behind the wheel, and as she drives by, she slows and gives me her middle finger. Yeah, I get it, I’m an asshole. Thanks, Harps.
“Harper sends her love, brother,” JJ chuckles.
“Yeah, I saw.”
“Don’t hate, brother. At least someone’s looking after your old lady. You’ve got twenty-four hours till she’s due, so you’d best get your head out of your ass. If not, I’ve heard my old lady’s plans for you if you’re not there for Nina. And let me just say, I wouldn’t want to be you if you’re a no-show.”
Flipping Jay my middle finger, I bring my bike to life, leaving them in my dust. With a quick stop at the store for a bottle of liquor, I head to the cemetery once again.
Plopping my ass onto the grass, I lean my back against her headstone and uncap the tequila. Swigging a large gulp, I swallow the bitter liquid and rest the bottle between my legs.
“Do you remember when we were younger, and Mom and Dad woke us up when they were arguing late one night? It was the first time we’d ever heard them fighting, and you climbed into my bed. You couldn’t have been older than four or five. You thought Dad was going to leave us, and nothing I said could calm you down. They rarely fought, but when they did, it was a big deal.” I take another swig of the bitter shit, and then another. “You’d hate how they are now. You thought telling Mom you were pregnant was bad, this is a million times worse, but with no end in sight.”
A soft breeze laps over me, making me to shiver. Gripping the bottle a little too hard, I rest my head against the granite headstone and close my eyes.
“Do you want to know what I regret the most besides failing you? I regret all the times I took you for granted. You’d try talking to me, or help me, and I’d brush you off. I was an asshole most of the time, always wrapped up in my own head. What I wouldn’t give to have you here bugging the shit out of me right now. I’d happily sit and take it all—I would.”
Tears well behind my eyelids. I keep thinking there aren’t any left, but along with the pain, they’re always there, lurking in the background.
“I don’t know who’s here more, you or us.”
My eyes spring open to see Leo standing at my feet with Rayna. Shit, how much time has passed?
“How could she have so many looking out for her and still end up dead?”
“It’s a question I’ve asked myself a thousand times, brother, yet it always comes back to me. If I have to hear it wasn’t my fault, that it was on Ellis one more time, I’m going to start throwing punches.”
I wish I could pin all my pain and blame on him, but what good would it do? Many men have been killed, and not once did a woman have to pay the price. Not until my sister. In the first few days, I used to try and change her ending by imaging Ellis turning his gun on Leo, the actual person responsible for his brother’s death. But Ellis wanted to cause maximum carnage, and he succeeded.
“What do you do out here?” I ask him.
“What do you do? You’re out here as much we are,” he throws back at me.
One of the reasons I come is because it feels right to be stuck here where she is too, though I keep that to myself.
“Sometimes I come here to make sure it’s real. I’m still waiting for her, like she’s back at college or something. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend she is. It was always the plan for her to go back one day.”
Rayna wiggles in his hold, and as he readjusts her, he gazes down at the bottle lodged between my legs.
“That shit doesn’t help,” he scolds. “Come on, you’re coming with us.”
He steps around her grave and bends down, grabbing the bottle. He tosses it into the nearest bush before grasping my hand. He’s not giving me a choice, and with my help, he hauls me up to my feet.
“I’ll head to the club,” I tell him. “You should take her home. It’s going to rain.”
I point up to the black rain cloud coming our way, threatening a downpour, and go to walk by them.
“Zach, you shouldn’t ride. Get in the truck and I’ll drop you off at the club on my way home.”
I don’t have the energy left to fight him on it. Shoulder to shoulder, we head back to his truck, and I climb into the passenger seat while he deals with Rayna.
“We’ll come by and pick your bike up in this morning,” he assures me, climbing in behind the wheel.
“The morning? You want to have a fucking slumber party?”
What the fuck?
Glaring at me, he growls, “The fuck is wrong with you? I’m doing this for your sister. You think she wants you drinking like a bum on her grave when you should be at home with your old lady? Better yet, your pregnant old lady?”
I’ll throw myself from this truck if he carries on with this. “Drop me at the club.”
He doesn’t reply, nor does he look my way again. He ignores me until we arrive at the cabin. “There’re beers in the fridge. Let me get her sorted and I’ll join you.”
I head for the house and wait impatiently for him to unlock the door. Inside, he settles Rayna in the living room with cartoons on the television and her toys.
I grab two bottles of beer from the fridge and settle in at the kitchen table. Resting my head in my hands, I grind my palms into my eyes. My head is spinning. I can’t think about India without it hurting. I can’t think about Nina without it hurting. When will it stop fucking hurting?
“Why don’t you just go home?” Leo says with a sigh. “Nina’s a good woman who’s been there for you when you’ve needed her. You’re not being fair to her.”
Exhaling harshly, I bark, “You don’t think I know that?”
“You’re acting like you don’t. Just give me one good reason why you’re running from her.”
Standing abruptly, the chair is on the verge of toppling over, but I quickly set it back on all fours.
“Oh, you’re going to run now, huh? You can’t give me a reason, can you? You’re spiralling, and you have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”
Grabbing my beer, I head for the back door and swing it open.
Apparently, he’s not finished.
“We share the patch, and you’re my daughter’s uncle. I was marrying your sister, and would’ve been with her till my last breath. Just because she’s not here anymore, doesn’t mean I’m not going to look out for you. Go out back, drink your beer, smoke your weed, but it’s not going to change anything come morning. You’ll still be a dick for running, and you still won’t able to give me a single reason why you left her.”
Slumping against the doorframe, I drop my head, my chin hitting my chest. “Nothing’s the same, and when I try to see the future, I don’t see anything. You must understand that?”
He takes his time thinking over his answer while opening his beer. “I see Rayna growing up. I see the club, me keeping busy, but I don’t see the emptiness I feel ever leaving.”
I was a prick to him the other day when I said he’d eventually move on from India. I should never have gone there with him. He truly loved my sister, and still does. I believe he always will.
“Talk to Nina, tell her this shit. If she can’t make you see you do have a future, especially with a kid on the way, I don’t think anyone can.”
A small part of me hears him and agrees. But the larger part of me knows I’m doing the right thing, and eventually, every fucker who has an opinion on how to live my life will see it too.
>
Slade
The sun’s beginning to rise over the top of the house, and I tip the bottle of beer to my lips. A dog barks somewhere off in the distance, and a car whizzes by out front, disturbing the silence.
Another fucking day.
Another day to struggle through and seek a crumb of peace I know I won’t find. My daughter paid the price for my lifestyle. I’ve been invincible for so many years, I thought I could survive anything. I stood with my brothers, loved and protected my family, and was loyal to my patch. It was a life I loved, and thought would be it for all my days. And then, everything changed, shattering around me like dust.
I need sleep, if only a few hours. Maybe then I could make sense of the spiralling events that have unfolded. Yet, if I do find sleep, I only have nightmares, my mind conjuring up the scene of how she died. I heard from numerous brothers how it went down, but I let my mind take me to the cruellest of places, playing it over and over in my head until I start to dream of changing history. I try to imagine being there and saving her. But, of course, it’s no use, hence why I drink. The more I consume, the less I dream of shit I can’t ever change, and the less I feel the sting of grief. It settles into a constant ache that never fades or disappears.
I’ve been a Lost Soul since I was seventeen, and it’s only now I feel truly lost. My soul’s been ripped apart and shredded into pieces. I relish in the misery, because it’s everything I deserve. I failed as a father, letting down my own blood. I should have stood by Kristen and made India return to college. I should have put my foot down and forced Leo to stay away from her. So many should haves, yet they always vanish, because even I saw how happy he made her. He became her world, and they were a family. I couldn’t bring myself to rip them apart. I hate to admit it, but if I got the chance to go back and change anything, I wouldn’t. Leo was “the one” for her, and as deep as my pain goes, I don’t blame him. He went against orders to get her out of there. He tried. His only crime was underestimating Ellis. This is on all of us, and our penance is having to live without her.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the back of the garden chair and concentrate. If I focus hard enough, I can take myself back to a time when Zachery and India were young, and would play out in this yard. India would chase Zach around, begging him to play with her, while Kris and I would sit here together, enjoying their sibling bickering. I can almost hear her little laugh that I burned to hear when I was home. My princess.
Fuck. The pain rears its ugly head, hitting me straight in the chest. Gripping onto my sweater, it does nothing to alleviate the ache, but nonetheless, it’s my first reaction to try and ease it.
I sit forward and open my eyes. I can’t take no more. My lashes are wet, and as I go to dry them, I find my cheeks saturated with tears.
A whistling screech comes from inside, and I pull myself up from the chair and stretch my back out. I’ve been out here since four this morning, and haven’t moved that much. Kristen’s pouring herself a tea in her takeout cup when I walk inside, and I stop in the middle of the kitchen at the sight of her. Not only is she dressed, she’s showered and washed her hair. It’s silky and straight as hell. She’s also wearing makeup, and I get a glimpse of the woman I first fell in love with. It’s a far contrast to who she’s been the past few months. Not that I blame her.
“Where are you off to?” I ask, finding my voice.
We’ve gone weeks without speaking a word to each other, moving around the house like two strangers in the night, until yesterday, when she told me of her plans to sell the shop.
When we have spoken, it’s been very few words, and it’s normally me doing the talking, and her staring at me like she doesn’t know who I am.
“I have an appointment with my accountant. We’re going over the books before I put the shop up for sale.”
The sound of her voice soothes me like a balm being rubbed over my heart. We’ve been in the same house for months, yet I didn’t realise until now how much I’ve missed her. But at the same time, I don’t like what I’m hearing.
“We agreed you weren’t selling.”
“No, you said I couldn’t, I told you I could, and I’m going to. It’s mine to call the shots and I’m calling them.”
“Kris—”
“After talking with the accountant, I’m meeting with the lawyer to get things rolling. I’m doing this, Slade, and you can’t stop me.”
She adds sugar to her tea, stirs it in, and clips the lid over her cup. Grabbing her purse, she then picks her car keys out of the old fruit bowl. A bowl that hasn’t seen a single piece of fruit in the last year.
“Selling the shop won’t bring her back!” I yell, losing the last scrap of patience I have.
Her fiery eyes dart to mine. “Fuck you.”
She goes to walk out, but I’m not done. She’s going to regret this if I don’t stop her. I move around the kitchen and block her way out.
“She isn’t coming back. The sooner you deal with that, the sooner we can have some semblance of a life.”
I don’t know where this is coming from. All I know is I miss my old lady.
“What kind of life do you envision us having?” she asks, laughing cruelly.
“I don’t know.” I try to think fast, but come up with nothing, so I step closer to her. I go to wrap my arms around her, but before I can, she jerks away.
“Maybe we could start with a fucking hug?”
“Why the hell would I want you touching me after what you’ve caused!”
“What I’ve caused?” I’m confused for all of five seconds. India. She blames me for her death.
“You know, you can blame me all you want, but you’re the one who stuck around here for me, for us. It was here we raised our family. I never forced you to stay.”
Pointing her finger in my face, she snarls,
“And now my son wears the patch and my daughter is gone. I wish I’d never set foot in this town.”
If I thought too deeply about it, I’d have known this is how she truly feels.
“Kris—”
“Don’t.”
She barges past me, and this time, I let her go. I’m so fucking lost.
Stepping out into the garage, I throw open the door, drawn to my bike. I rip off the dust sheet Zach covered my machine with a lifetime ago, and run my hand over the bodywork.
Exhaling long and hard, I’m contemplating grabbing my keys when a shadow darkens over my ride.
“Mr. McCarthy?”
Turning to my visitor, the hairs on my arms stand on end. A fucking fed. He doesn’t have to tell me he is one. I can tell just by looking at him.
“And you are?” I ask for his sake, playing along.
“Agent Gallagher.”
He flips open his credentials, but regardless if he’s a genuine or fake agent, I won’t be talking to him either way. They look pretty real to me, though, and I’m not happy having him on my property.
“I’m here to talk about your daughter.”
My blood runs cold. First, I won’t ever talk to him about my daughter on account she’s none of his fucking business. Second, he’s a fucking fed.
Snatching my keys from the hook on the wall, I straddle my bike and bring it to life. Rolling it out onto the drive, I climb off, closing and locking the garage up.
“I’d like to offer my condolences…”
I tune him out, not wanting to hear any of his bullshit. Why do people feel the need to offer things, such as their pity, when in reality, they don’t give a fuck? He didn’t even know her, and he sure as shit doesn’t care for me.
Climbing back on my bike, I don’t look back as I ride up the street. My heart beats a little faster, and as it’s second nature for me, I ride for the club, knowing it’s the only place I need to be right now.
Zachery
“Are you nervous?” Nina asks, nudging my arm to get my attention.
“No. You?”
I stop at the red light and catch her frowning my way.
“Of course I’m nervous. We’re having a baby, and I have no idea what to expect. Why aren’t you nervous about this?”
Because I’m still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that I’m going to be a father. We buried my sister a week ago, and today we’re going to the doctor’s office for our first appointment. The dirt’s barely settled over India’s grave, and I’m expected to be all smiles.
“Why do I have to be nervous?”
I pull away when the light turns green and slow my speed, wanting to delay as much as I can before we have to be there.
“Can you at least feel something? You’ve been a closed book since you found out,” she snaps.
I force a smile before turning the corner.
“Real mature, Zach.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re making it hard to be happy about it.”
Happy? I want to laugh. I don’t see what I could possibly be happy about right now. Having a baby is the last thing we need—the last thing I need.
“Oh my God, you don’t want it, do you?”
“You’re putting words in my mouth. Can we just get through this and talk after?”
“What will we have to talk about? This can’t wait till after, because we should be on the same page before we go in. Do you want this baby?” She sucks in a deep breath and adds, “Because I do.”
Taking a left, I pull into the lot and park as close to the entrance as I can. Shutting down the engine, I plaster on a smile and turn to her.
“The last thing I saw coming was us having a baby. It’s just taking me a little longer than you to wrap my head around it, that’s all.”
At least, that’s all I hope it is. I mean, it has to be, right? It’s just taking longer to find the joy because of recent events.
“Are you sure that’s all it is? You have to tell me now if you’re not in the same place as me.”
Cupping her cheek, I gently stroke her cheekbone with my thumb and lean in. Pressing my lips to hers, she tenses up, creating another moment shrouded in darkness. She’s the first to pull away, and I can’t say I blame her.
His Last Chance : Sons of Lost Souls MC Book Seven Page 5
