by Dani Lovell
"Ok, I had no idea I'd been asleep that long."
"Yep, we'll be home very soon." A heavy ache lingers deep in my gut at the reminder of being so far away from Daniel, but the tears don't appear of their own free will this time. I'm making a little progress. I hope.
About an hour and a half later, Tilly and I have disembarked the aircraft, collected our bags and are on our way to the collection point to meet my dad. Neither one of us is particularly loquacious; we're cold, tired and miserable. As we reach the doors, the smell hits me first, a wet, smoggy, mossy smell, surprisingly homely but very depressing at the same time. We're definitely home.
"Bloody hell, it's colder than when we left, isn't it," Tilly says, wrapping her cardigan around her as we look for my Dad's car.
"I was thinking that, but it always seems cold at the airport."
"Yeah, suppose so. Come on Eddy-boy, we're freezing our tits off here," Tilly calls to the row of cars, making me laugh.
"I'd appreciate you not discussing your tits with my dad, Til." She grins at me as a huge 4x4, almost identical to Luke's, pulls up in front of us and beeps, making us jump.
Oliver jumps out and jogs over to us with a huge smile on his face. "Hey BB! Hi Tils!" he calls out, giving us both a giant hug together.
I can't express how good it is to see my brother, it's such a comfort to have him here. "Oliver, it's so nice to see you, I thought Dad was collecting us?"
"Yeah, something to do with Mum's car having problems so he had to take her somewhere... or something, I don't listen. So, good holiday?"
Tilly and I both smile at him. "It was lovely thanks, Olly, we're sad to be back," Tilly replies.
"You look hot Tils, what's his name?" Oliver jokes and Tilly rolls her eyes at him. He loads our bags into the boot and we all climb in to make our way home. Tilly and I quiet and somber. "Oh come on girls, why are you both so glum? You've just been to sunny California!"
"Sorry, Oliver, we're just knackered and a little down in the dumps. Thanks for coming to get us. I like the new ride." I offer, realising we must be terrible company.
"Oh no, I know that tone, did you have a holiday romance? Actually, I don't think I want to know."
I giggle. "I'll spare you the gory details, but yes, we both met someone and we didn't want to come home."
"Some one? I really hope there were two of them..." he says as his mouth twists with mock disgust, making me laugh again.
"Thankfully, yes. They were best friends. We had such a fantastic time, Oliver, you'd absolutely love LA."
"I bet I would, we should all go sometime, get a few of us together."
"That would be so much fun," I say and look around to Tilly in the back who seems to be on another planet, gazing out of the window into the rain. "Til? You ok?"
"Hmm? Yes, sorry, were you talking to me?"
"Oliver was just saying it'd be great to get a few of us together and go back to LA."
"Oh, yeah, that would be fun," she says with a half smile, lacking all of her usual enthusiasm. I offer her a sympathetic smile and decide to leave her be. She obviously has other things on her mind. I, however, am glad for the distraction, Oliver isn't taking my mind off Daniel, but he is keeping the agony at bay for a short while. It's great to catch up with him.
"So, been up to anything while I've been gone?" I ask, genuinely interested.
"Not a lot, work as always, got a couple of new big contracts which is good news. We all went out on Saturday night, that was a laugh. I talked to Clare quite a bit, she's missed you guys loads."
"Ah, we've missed her too, I wish she could have come with us."
"Dylan turned up with that girl, what's her name? Lee... Lena?"
"Leah."
"Yeah, Leah. Face like a slapped arse. He asked after you, again. You wouldn't get back with that dick-head would you?"
"Oh for god’s sake, Oliver, how many times? No, I am never getting back with him." This is something I seem to be discussing a lot lately. "Especially not now."
"Not now? Why's that?"
I sigh loudly and shake my head. "Oh never mind, it's a long story." I rub my hand over my forehead, the sadness creeping back.
"Bea? What's going on? Is this about the bloke in LA?"
"Daniel." I nod, "Yeah, he's... oh, never mind, I'll cry and I really don't want to. Can we talk about it another time?"
Oliver frowns at me, knowing something's up. "Ok, but if you want to talk, just call or come over, ok?"
"Yes, thanks Oliver."
"Mum asked me to ask you if you want to go for dinner tonight, I'm going over, she's making that lamb thing."
"Can you tell her thanks but I'm knackered and just need to get some sleep? I'm not really in the mood for talking about the holiday and stuff, I just want to be on my own and go to bed."
"Yeah, no worries, she thought you might say that anyway, after such a long flight."
As we arrive in Watford, I turn to look at Tilly and she's fast asleep in the back. I hope she's ok, I've been so wrapped up in my own sadness that I haven't given Tilly enough thought.
"If Tilly is asleep, I'll drop you back first. Unless you want me to come in for a cuppa?"
"No, it's ok, I've got to sort out my suitcase and washing and all that. Can you make sure she gets in ok?"
"Of course I will."
At home, Oliver puts my suitcase in the lounge for me and gives me a big hug before leaving to take Tilly home. I put the kettle on and lean back against the counter, closing my eyes and taking a long, deep breath, to steady my emotions. When my tea is brewed, I take the toothbrush pot-come-mug to the lounge and sink into my plush sofa with my handbag, and pull out Daniel's jumper. Bringing it to my nose, I inhale long and deep, closing my eyes, imagining he is with me. I pull my iPhone out of my bag and switch it on, curling up, cuddling my Daniel-jumper.
The ache is back with a vengeance and I feel helpless. I'm so lonely but I only want him, I could go to Clare and Tilly's place or my parents house if I wanted company, but it's Daniel that I need.
As a tear runs down my face, my phone chimes. I look at the screen and the butterflies immediately flit with excitement in my belly when I see his name.
~
Daniel 24 Sep 18:03
Hey baby, are you home yet? I checked online so I know you landed safe and sound. Let me know when you're home. I miss you so much. I Love you. Xxxxx
~
I weep and reply immediately.
~
24 Sep 18:05
Hello darling. I'm home now with a nice cup of tea. Thank you so much for my beautiful gift, I love it almost as much as I love you. It's so perfect. The card made me cry. I can't tell you how much I miss you, already. Are you at work? Did you sleep well? I slept most of the flight home and you will be pleased to know that I most certainly dreamt of you! I will tell you about it another time, you'll enjoy it! The best bit was the VERY happy ending. It was good ;-). I love you so, so, so much. I can't stop crying. I wish you were :-( Xxxxxxxxxxx
~
I send the message and re-read his as I walk to my bedroom to get a box of tissues. My bed looks so inviting, I can't wait to crawl into it, but I need to stay awake until after ten so the jet lag doesn't set in.
The strangest thing that I'm noticing, is how horny I am. I have had so much sex over the last week, you think I'd be sated, but I'm feeling depraved already. Looking at my bed, I can picture Daniel laying in it with me, making love to me, relieving this need to have him inside me every five minutes.
The chime of a text message disturbs me from my reverie and I head back to the lounge so I can curl up with my tea and enjoy his reply.
~
Daniel 24 Sep 18:12
Hi baby! I wasn't sure if you were going to reply. You're so welcome for your gift, I'm glad you like it. I didn't sleep too well, I wanted to have you curled up in bed with me. Yes, I am at work, I'm not
doing much because my mind is on you 24/7, but I'm here, at my desk
, smelling my cupcake :-) I LOVE the sound of your dream, was it a sweet sort of happy ending or a moaning in ecstasy one??? ;-) I wish I was there too or at least that you were here. Please don't cry baby. How's home? I love you. Xxxx
xxxxxxx
~
~
24 Sep 18:14
Of course I would reply! Home is very wet, cold and lonely. My place is lovely though, my mum has left flowers and food so I don't even need to go to the shop. I'm trying not to cry but it's not really working! It's so nice to text you though. Well, the happy ending was definitely a moaning in ecstasy one, in real life! I'm really horny for some reason, I can't stop thinking about you and me in the throes of passion. What I'd give for a bit of that right now... Mmm ;-) You should get back to work, you don't want the bosses on your back ;-) I LOVE YOU TOO. XXX
~
I smile and blow my nose, determined to stop crying for a while. It's so lovely just to be able to communicate with him. I open my suitcase to start sorting out the washing, considering I have some time to kill before bed. I've been dreading going through my clothes because I know when I see the things that Daniel bought me, I'll hurt more. But as I'm feeling a bit jolly for hearing from him, I'll make the most of it and get as much out of the way, as possible.
I put all of my toiletries away in my en-suite and sort all of the dirty washing into the laundry basket, putting one load in the washing machine at the same time. I hang up my beautiful, expensive dress that I wore to the 'W' and place my sparkly Manolo's in centre place amongst my other shoes in the wardrobe.
When I have finished unpacking everything else, I put my suitcase away, feeling extremely proud of myself for doing such a good job, very quickly, without crying once. It's taking Daniel a very long time to reply, but it's ok, he's at work and that comes first. I realise, as my stomach churns painfully, that I haven't eaten since brunch yesterday. I always lose my appetite when I'm upset but I have got to eat before I start feeling lightheaded.
I look through the fridge and there is just nothing I fancy, whatsoever. I pick at a few grapes and have a slice of goat’s cheese but it doesn't taste of anything but cardboard. It's not like I have any plates to eat from anyway, so I give up and go back to the lounge to flick the TV on. I wonder what's taking Daniel so long to reply, it's been over an hour now and I'm starting to feel crappy again. I fiddle with my necklace and pull his card out of my handbag to read again.
Oh dear god, this is just so hard, the lump in my throat aches, my eyes hot, ready to flood. This is so much more painful than I had anticipated, even when I was trying to prepare myself, back in LA, I had no clue that it would be quite this bad. My body aches, my heart physically hurts, I don't know quite what to do with myself.
Maybe I should have a bath, the TV is an irritating noise, I'm not looking at it, it's not distracting me, so I turn it off and head to the bathroom. I pray that a hot bubble-bath will do me some good as I return to the lounge and wait.
My phone eventually chimes and I grab it excitedly, but feel a stab of disappointment and immediate guilt - for feeling that way - when I see Clare's name on the screen.
~
Clare 24 Sep 19:47
Hey doll-face, welcome home! Hope you're ok, Til won't tell me why she is so upset, just says she is sad to have left Gemma but she's never normally like this when she gets back. Do you know? I hope it was ok leaving your man. Let me know if you need me, I'm here. Work is fine, nothing major to report, had a business call to discuss a regular contract which will be excellent, I'll tell you about it when you come in. When are you planning on coming back? Don't rush, we're fine but we miss you like mad. Love you xxxx
~
Poor old Tilly, it must be about Luke, and poor old Clare having two miserable best friends.
~
24 Sep 19:50
Hi sweet cheeks, sorry I haven't been in contact for a little while... Ok, I think it must be to do with Luke. I'm not sure, she wouldn't admit it, but she has been acting very uncharacteristically over the last few days. They defo had a special spark. I hope she's ok. Contract at work sounds good, I might come in for a bit tomorrow, just to say hi and see what's new. I will be back in on Wednesday, hopefully that'll give me a chance to cheer the hell up. I love you too, missed you xxxxxx
~
~
Clare 24 Sep 19:51
Great, can't wait to see you and get the goss. Coming back from hols is always a crapper, you will feel better in no time, I know you miss him, must be hard. :-(. Xxxxxxxx
~
I smile, I don't feel any better, but I appreciate her sympathy. I'm really looking forward to getting back to the cakery and seeing everyone, I've missed it. I check the time; nearly eight o'clock, my eyelids are so heavy already but I have at least two hours until I can let go and sleep. I also note that it's been nearly two hours since my last text from Daniel.
Stop it Beatrice! He's busy and you told him to get back to work! I can't help but wonder, though, if I said anything in my text to upset him, or if, maybe, he isn't interested in staying in contact. Funny, considering I was the one saying we couldn't keep in contact. What if he's hurt? What if he had a car accident or something? Oh my god, please let him be ok. Oh, this is getting ridiculous, I need to stop this. He's at work!
I turn my bath off and undress, lighting a few candles and turning the light off before sinking into the hot steamy bubbles. Oh. It's wonderful. The moment I close my eyes and start to drift, my phone starts ringing from the top of the sink, making me jump out of my skin. For fucks sake, I really DO NOT want to talk right now.
I dry my hands and reach over to grab it and check the caller I.D.: 'Unavailable'. Someone trying to sell me something, as always. I'll answer and tell them to fuck off, then at least they won't keep calling.
"Hello?" I say in my most monotone, uninterested voice, preparing the salesperson for the tough job they've allocated themselves by choosing to call this number.
There's a long pause and then... "Baby?"
I recognise the voice instantly, it's deep and rich and mellifluous. I can hear his smile. It's my man! "Daniel?" I ask excitedly, knowing it's him.
"Hey, sweetheart, are you ok? It's so good to hear your voice."
"Oh Daniel, I miss you so much, I was worrying because you didn't reply..."
"I know, I'm sorry about that, I had to go out of the office for a meeting and my battery drained while I was gone, so I decided to come home afterwards and give you a call, is that allowed?"
"Not really but who cares. So you're home now?"
"Yes, baby, where are you? It sounds echo-y"
"I'm in the bath."
"What?! Oh my god, I wish I could see you."
I giggle. "I wish you were with me."
"Me too. Especially after you told me about your dream! I'm glad that I could still make you come when I wasn't even with you," he says, his voice amused and sexy.
"I know, it was wild, you did a great job." I giggle.
"After your last text, I had to talk to you, you can't tell me you're horny baby, it drives me crazy! On top of scaring the shit out of me."
"Why does that scare you?"
"Baby, my girlfriend is over five thousand miles away, telling me she's horny. I'm going to worry about how that tension gets released, I sure know I can't do it..."
"Oh god, Daniel, just because I'm horny, it doesn't mean I'm about to go and grab some stranger off the street for a shag. Besides, I'm not your girlfriend, darling."
"You are in my eyes. Anyway, I'm sure you know certain people who aren't strangers, that would be more than willing."
"Is this about Dylan? What is with you people? I AM NOT GETTING BACK WITH DYLAN. Nor am I calling him up for a quick shag. I never will, I don't even like him very much. God!"
"Hey, hey! Ok! Calm down! Anyway, what do you mean, 'you people'?"
"You and my brother, I had him double checking I wasn't going to get back with him earlier, too. Jesus."
"Ok, sorry, sweetheart. But I'm glad I have an ally in your brother."
"Yes you do, not that you need one because it's never going to happen. But this is sounding a bit too much like a long distance relationship to me, and Daniel, I miss you horribly and I love you more than I think is physically possible, but we can't have a long distance relationship."
"I know. I'll drop it, and we can set some rules about how and when we contact each other, if that makes you happy, ok?"
"Thank you Daniel, it hurts to even think like that, but it has to be that way."
"I know. So. About this 'horny' problem of yours, just how bad is it?"
I grin, appreciating the change in conversation. I lift one leg out of the water and point my toe in the air, running my hand from my ankle to my thigh, as if he can see me.
"Really bad, I don't know why, I just need you all the time."
"Baby, I'm always horny when I think about you. You give me a permanent erection, I had to calm myself after your text, I thought I was going to have to take a cold shower before the meeting. Even now, hearing the water sloshing about, thinking of you laying there, naked..." he makes a growling noise and I laugh, loving that I can turn him on, even when he can't see me.
"Oh you've really cheered me up, Daniel."
"Good, I don't want you sad. Tell me what you're doing."
"Oh... like that is it?"
"Uh huh..." God, his voice is so damned sexy.
"I am mostly submerged in the water, candlelight flickering against the walls, soft bubbles floating on the surface, my body hidden underneath them, apart from my..."
"What? Apart from your what?" He's so funny, I grin broadly.
"Apart from my two, hard, pink... toe nails."
"Hey, baby! That's not fair! I was going for some phone sex there!" he grumbles.
"Sorry, Daniel," I giggle. "I couldn't help myself. I do need to have a wash though, maybe you can talk me through it."
"That's more like it... are you dirty?"
"Yes."
"Good. Keep the phone in one hand, and put a little soap on the other, can you do that?"
"Uh huh."
