Sexy Berkeley

by Dani Lovell

  We chatted about the fun times we had in Los Angeles, it made me feel closer to Daniel, somehow, talking about it. It was painful, but a pain I felt I needed to endure because it made me happy, remembering things like our indulgent shopping trip in Beverly Hills, our night at the 'W' and afterwards at Daniel's, our chilling out time around the pool... it was all so wonderful.

  We pull into a rare, available parking space on the High Street and walk towards Bear's. I'm really excited, I've never been away from it for this long and I have missed it. I smile as the familiar chocolaty aroma that always lingers outside the shop, wafts over to me, welcoming me back.

  Everyone is happy to see me, as I am, them. There are no appointments for the next hour or so, so Tilly, Clare and I sit around one of our tables with a pot of tea and a cake, chatting. Clare tells me about the new contract that we're about to finalise with a company in London, supplying a selection of cakes daily. It reminds me of the cake selections that 'Henry Berkeley' do, it's along the same lines. We have a similar contract with another local firm although the new contract seems a lot bigger and will be an excellent opportunity.

  Tilly nips out to the pharmacy, and I take the opportunity to fill Clare in. She's relieved to know, because she had been worrying about her, but she understands why Tilly didn't want to bring it up.

  By the time we leave and make our way back to Watford, it's already nearly four, and we're both a little on the tired side, no doubt our long journey and all the crying is catching up on us. Tilly decides to come back to mine for a bit, we both admitted we'd rather be alone but knew it wasn't the best idea because we'd just end up wallowing and crying all evening.

  We chill out on the sofa with a glass of wine and some music in the background. Today has been a fantastic distraction and I have loved having my best friends with me, but it hasn't taken the sting away. As the talking winds down, exhaustion takes over. My thoughts are, as always, with Daniel.

  The slow music in the background plays along with my solemn mood and I can't help but reach for Daniel's card to read. It's my undoing, I knew it would be. Tears trickle down my cheeks, an endless stream of warm saline. I hold it to my chest, weeping silently, I miss him so much, I don't see how this feeling of utter loss will ever go away. It's ridiculous, he's alive and well, all I need to do is pick up the phone and I can talk to him, but it's a short term gain for long term suffering. I'll never get over him if I just pick up the phone every time I get sad.

  I sniff and Tilly turns to look at me and I at her, noticing that she is in exactly the same state. What a pair. "Do you want to stay tonight?" I ask.

  "I'd like to, but I'm back at work tomorrow and I'm not sure that I fancy getting up early and walking back to our place. I know it doesn't usually bother me but I need to get my head organised before I go back to work."

  "Ok, well the offer is there, and my super comfy spare bed."

  "Thanks, it's tempting. I'll see how I feel later. I'll hang about for the evening though if you don't mind?"

  "Course not. The last thing I want to do is eat, but we need to, so what do you fancy for dinner? I have a fridge full of food or we could get a take-away?"

  "Let's get a take-away, we're sad, we shouldn't have to cook."

  "Too right, ok what do you want, pizza, Thai, Chinese?"

  "Not pizza, after that amazing one at Daniel's that night, no take away pizza will ever be good enough. Let's get Thai. Shall we ask Clare over?"

  "No, she's out tonight. Oliver mentioned yesterday that a few of them are going to the pub."

  "Oh, ok. I obviously wasn't listening. Is there something going on with Oliver and Clare?"

  "No! What makes you say that?"

  "They just seem a bit... friendly."

  "You've just got it on the brain."

  "Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll order the food and get it delivered so we don't have to go out looking like shit." I giggle, she makes me laugh even when she's not trying.

  When the dinner arrives, it's eight o'clock and I get butterflies knowing that I can text Daniel now.

  I put the plates and cutlery on the coffee table and Tilly serves up while I rummage through my bag for my iPhone.

  ~

  25 Sep 20:07

  Hello sexy :-) I've been waiting all day to text you. How's your morning? I slept so well after talking with you all night. I still miss you like mad. I have been thinking about you all day, I want to kiss you so much. Reply when you can, I know you're at work. XxxxxxxxxxxxxX

  ~

  "There you go, doll." Tilly hands me my plate and I top up our wine.

  "Thanks, shall we watch something?"

  "Ooh, yeah, can we watch Mad Men or do we need to wait and watch it with Clare?"

  "No, she watched it while we were away." I respond excitedly, hoping that getting back into routine might help our depressive moods. Within about three minutes of watching, my iPhone chimes next to me and my belly lurches.

  ~

  Daniel 25 Sep 20:13

  Hey baby! I have been waiting for you. I miss you so much. My morning is good, thank you, although I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about you, the scent from the cupcake keeps wafting over to me I love it. I'm so glad you had a good sleep last night, baby, are you sure you don't want to do that every night? ;-). I want to kiss you so much too. I want to do so much more than just kiss. And, hey, where's my 'I love you'? :-( What are you up to? (I love you.) xxxxxxxx

  ~

  "Who's that?" Tilly asks with a mouthful of phad thai.

  "It's Daniel."

  "Ooh, what does he say?"

  "We're just chatting, he misses me and loves me."

  "Ah that's so sweet. Say hi from me," she says, somewhat melancholy, before focusing her attention back on the TV screen."

  ~

  25 sep 20:18

  Sorry, I LOVE YOU. I wish we could talk every night. Don't tempt me, it's not allowed! I want to do so much more than just kiss you too. I want you to do all sorts of naughty things to me ;-). Right now, Tilly is over and we're having a take-away, watching Mad Men. She says 'hi'. Went to Bear's today which was fun, we have an exciting new contract which is great news for the business. How's Luke doing? (I love you 100 times over) Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  ~

  I tuck into some more dinner, smiling, and I try to figure out what I have missed on the TV. I don't really care, texting Daniel is so much more interesting than anything on TV.

  "Do you know what, Bea? I think I might stay, I'm cosy, is that ok?"

  "Of course it is! There are some pjs for you and Clare in the drawers in the spare room."

  "You are the best, Bea," she says as she kisses my forehead and heads to the bedroom to change. I notice that she has hardly touched her dinner. Neither have I. My phone chimes again.

  ~

  Daniel 25 Sep 20:26

  Don't tempt you? Does that mean there's a chance I could? I want to talk to you every day baby, so badly. That's great news about the contract, well done to Bear's :-). Tell me about it tomorrow night when I call? BEATRICE, haven't I told you enough times that you can't say things like that to me? I WANT TO DO NAUGHTY THINGS TO YOU TOO!!! I am visualising it now. Your hot naked body buckling under the work of my fingers... Mmm. Damn it, I have a hard-on. When I finally get to see you, you'll be in big trouble! 'Hi' right back to Tilly, is she ok? Sounds like you're having a fun evening. Luke is ok I think, he's not really himself. He wouldn't tell me but I think he misses Tilly. They had quite a connection don't you think? Xxxxxxx

  ~

  "See Til..." I say as she sits back down, dressed in pyjamas, "Daniel says that Luke isn't himself and although he hasn't told Daniel anything, Daniel thinks it's because he misses you."

  "Oh my god, did you tell Daniel?" Tilly shrieks.

  "No! Calm down! I asked after Luke, I'm allowed to do that aren't I?"

  "Sorry, doll."

  "I should think so too."

  "I doubt it's about me though, he's not the type."<
br />
  "Neither were you."

  "It's different."

  "Ok." I resume play on Mad Men and reply to Daniel. Nothing I say is going to convince her that I think Luke wants her.

  ~

  25 Sep 20:32

  You know the rules, we can't talk every night and although part of me wants you to tempt me, because

  I want to go to sleep with your sexy voice in my ear tonight so badly, we just can't do it. I'm miserable

  though, just so you know. I'm not enjoying being such a square about rules. I'm sorry for getting you hot under the collar, now you're making me hot for you. Your hands touching me, making me moan, I need you, I'm so horny. Just thinking about your hard on is making me lick my lips. I like that I'll be in trouble, what will you do to me? Yes, I do think T&L had a connection, a big one. I want them to get together :-( I want us to be together :-( We should stop these mega- texts soon... Xxxxxxxxx

  ~

  We continued texting for a short while longer, discussing all of the naughty things that we would do if we were together. It was great at the time but now I'm desperately horny, wet and in serious need of release. I'm sorely tempted to just call him up and ask him to make me come like he did in the bath last night, but I need to be strong, I can't.

  I've done so well thus far, even though I can't see the good it's doing me, I still don't feel any better about living so far apart. The hurt is still as powerful, I'm trying to manage it better but I don't see, a year down the line, that I will feel any differently. But this is all I can do, without cutting ties with him altogether. I think that would kill me.

  I kiss Tilly good night and go to my room to start to undress, opening my nightie drawer. I have folded all of my lovely new purchases from Daniel and put them to one side, waiting for him. I hope I get a chance to wear them for him one day. I decide to give him a little treat, as promised a little while ago, so I slip into my favourite polka dot nightie, his first gift to me.

  Knocking on Tilly's door, I ask tentatively if she wouldn't mind taking a photo of me on my iPhone, and she's surprisingly into it! She tells me how to pose and takes a few shots, helping me pick the sexiest one; hand on hip, come-to-bed eyes, blowing a kiss.

  After thanking her profusely, I return to my bedroom. I feel awful having asked her and in hindsight, it was probably really insensitive of me. She was very enthusiastic about it, though, so hopefully she was ok. I lay in my bed and forward the picture to Daniel. I smile as I roll onto my side and close my eyes, wondering if he'll reply when he gets it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  WEDNESDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER

  I wake suddenly in a cold sweat, sitting bolt upright. My heart pounding, my face damp from tears. It was only a dream, just a dream.

  I desperately need to know that Daniel is ok, my dream was so real, so vivid, I sob violently, fearing for him. I reach for my iPhone and there's a message from him from ten thirty. I check the time now; three in the morning, so that makes it about seven thirty in the evening in Los Angeles. I don't even bother to read the text, I call him immediately and he answers after the first ring.

  "Baby?"

  I sob, loudly into the phone, thanking god that he's ok.

  "Oh god! You're ok."

  "Of course I'm ok, baby, what's happened? What's the matter? Are you ok?" I can hear the panic in his voice, bless him.

  "Yes, I had the most horrible nightmare, Daniel, it was so real, I needed to hear your voice." I break into sobs again. "Oh god, Daniel, I don't think I can do this, I'm so miserable, I can't live like this."

  "Calm down, sweetheart. Everything is ok, I'm ok, you're ok, you've had a nasty dream but it's over now. It's ok..."

  "I love you, I love you, Daniel," I wail.

  "I love you too, Bea. Shh, it's over now."

  "Uh huh..." I manage, between sniffs and chest convulsions. Just hearing his soothing voice is helping.

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  "I... I just... it was so awful." My voice a quivering whisper.

  "It's over now, baby. Just lay down, breath. I'm only on the other end of a phone, sweetheart. I'm glad you called."

  "I had to, I needed to know you were ok. I can't tell you how much I need you to hold me right now."

  "I'm so sorry, baby, I wish I was there for you."

  "I wish you were here, too. I love you so much."

  "I love you too. Everything is ok."

  "You're right." I lay back down, close my eyes and take some deep breaths. Daniel is safe. "I'm sorry, Daniel. Are you busy?"

  "Not at all, I just got home and Luke is here, just having a beer and getting some food."

  "Oh I'm sorry to interrupt, you get back."

  "No, baby! You haven't interrupted anything, we're just chilling. I'm in my bedroom now anyway, Luke's watching a game in the living room. It's so late for you... or early, depending on how you look at it."

  "I know. I had to call, though. I won't be long, I'm breaking all the rules."

  "You and your rules," he chuckles, "you're cute, Bea."

  "Cute? Because I'm a stick-in-the-mud about rules?"

  "Because you can't help but break them," he says and I can almost see his cheeky grin.

  "Trust me, if you'd had a dream like the one I just had, you'd break the rules too."

  "I'm always up for breaking the rules, baby!"

  "That's because you're a naughty boy." Oh wow, we've taken a turn for the raunchy...

  "You make me naughty, I want to do all sorts of things to you right now, to make you feel better."

  "Oh lordy, I'd welcome it. You need to hurry up with this business trip because I need it and I need it hard."

  "Oh my god. Now I need it. I'm trying all I can, baby. Listen, sweetheart, let me come on vacation - and before you interrupt - I'll only stay a week, tops. You can go to work while I do some work from my laptop at yours, then we can spend every evening together."

  I whimper, dramatically. "Oh, Daniel! You're making this impossible! You can't, I'd only feel like this again when you left. It's too painful."

  Daniel growls. "It's so fucking frustrating! I could be there in like, two days!"

  "I know, and god, I wish you could. Business trips are ok, they're short and you are here for another reason. Not solely for me."

  "It's for me, too, you know."

  "I know. Look, I'd better go, I've been very naughty, calling you."

  "You had good reason, don't beat yourself up. Call me anytime, day or night, you hear?"

  I smile. "Yes, loud and clear. Thank you, Daniel. I do feel much, much better for speaking to you."

  "Are you going to tell me what it was about? The dream?"

  "You're just trying to keep me on the phone..."

  "You got me!"

  "It was about you and I... and Marcus. He was forcing himself on me and wouldn't get off. Then you two fought and you got really, really hurt. I couldn't get to you because he was holding me back and no one would help. You were bleeding and unconscious, I was losing you, right in front of my eyes and I couldn't even hold you. You, you know..."

  "Died?"

  "Oh Daniel, let's not talk about this."

  "Ok, sweetheart. Well, you'll be pleased to know that Marcus is about as capable of hurting me as I am of growing wings and learning to fly. The man's a weasel."

  "He looks like one. I love you."

  "I love you, too. Now, you get back to sleep, and have another 'happy ending' dream this time. I'm thinking of you in that nightie... it's making me hot."

  "Mmm, I hope I dream about you and me being dirty."

  "I hope you do too, baby. I hope I do!"

  "Ok, well, enjoy your evening with Luke, say 'hi' from me and apologise for taking you away for a bit."

  "Don't be silly, he doesn't care. Sleep well, still call me tomorrow, ok?"

  "Ok, can't wait. Night night, Daniel."

  "Night, baby."

  I hang up and take a deep breath, I'm still not quite over that
dream, but at least I have spoken to Daniel and know that he is safe and sound. Nothing to worry about. I check the text message that he sent earlier, after I sent him the photo.

  ~

  Daniel 25 Sep 22:31

  Good god. Baby, you're so freaking hot! Damn. I'm going to have to do something about the state you've got me in. I'm taking this picture to bed and it's not going to take long to do what I gotta do! I hope it was Tilly that took this picture?! You better not be wearing this for anyone else! You're something else, sexy girl, ILY. Xxxxxxx

  ~

  Oh, Daniel. ILY too. I smile and consider sending him a reply, but decide that I need to be stronger. I'm going to talk to him again tonight, I can wait until then. I roll over, grab the Daniel-jumper and hug it to my chest before I slip into another sleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  MONDAY 1ST OCTOBER

  The next five days or so went by painfully slowly. Nothing has changed, I'm still just as agonisingly miserable as I was the minute I left him. Work is nice, but not enough. When I'm sitting at my counter, piping swirls onto a wedding cake or making sugar flowers, my mind is on him, the whole time.

  I spoke to him the evening after my nightmare, which was lovely, I took him in the bath with me again. It was hot, but it didn't take away my constant sexual frustration. I still need him, rock hard, twenty-four-seven.

  We spoke a couple of nights later, again for hours, and I fell asleep with him to my ear. Last night we were supposed to talk, but Daniel had a meeting all day and the same again today. Who has meetings on a Sunday? Not having spoken to him has gotten me in even more of a foul mood.

  As it was Sunday yesterday, I went around to my parents with Oliver for Sunday lunch. They invited Tilly and Clare along too so it was a nice day, but as soon as I got the text from Daniel to say that he couldn't talk that evening, my 'ok' mood disintegrated entirely, so I went home and cried all night. The fading of Daniel's scent on his jumper is somewhat depressing, too. I know I have to wash it soon, I just can't bring myself to wash the 'Daniel' off it.

  I could be paranoid, but I feel like he's distancing himself a little. I love him and miss him so much, if I don't speak to him when I'm supposed to, it feels like I've been kicked in the belly again. I wait all day long for the time I can pick up my phone and speak to him or send him a message.