Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening

by Hunter Wiseman

  “Jumbo banana frits!” he shouts.

  Jeac loses all control and fills the room with months of stored up dwarven waste. Armando’s face turns bright red as he bunches up. He shakes it and looks sternly at the gaping dwarf.

  “What? You didn’t think I was completely human, did you?”

  Jeac turns to face the camera of the book that is your mind and shrugs.

  Armando’s penis is a banana.

  Chapter 18

  Ranch Dressing and Water Baby stand together, appalled by the new found knowledge that the planet is no longer whole. Chandaka hasn’t been whole for a very long time.

  “How could no one know about this?” Water Baby asks.

  “I guess the tower has just kept it a secret,” Ranch replies. “Typical.”

  Water Baby shimmies closer to the edge.

  “This is remarkable. How is this planet still in orbit?” she asks.

  Ranch stands, eyes wide, jaw clenched.

  A muggy shadowy mist floats around the two and stops them in their tracks.

  “Why are you building a railroad out here?” it asks.

  The shadow figure rests on a nearby rock, looking very lethargic. It speaks in many voices. Water Baby and Ranch are frozen stiff.

  “We were expecting the one who came from the sky,” the shadow growls. “Where is he?”

  “Who are you?” Ranch asks.

  “We are not to be named,” the shadow responds. “Though we no longer remain, we are a mere reflection of those people whose lives were lost when the man pierced the sky and skinned our planet of life.”

  The voice of the shadow echoes around them.

  “We were expecting the one who came from the sky,” the shadow repeats.

  Water Baby spurts a question from her face. “Who are you talking about?”

  “We mean him no judgment, nor you, simply a warning.”

  “Tell us what you’re talking about, strange beast!” Water Baby and Ranch Dressing both say in unison. They lock eyes with one another and nod with sexy appreciation.

  “Years ago, the streets of Chandaka flourished,” the shadow info-dumped. “Everything was extravagant and beautiful. The planet was healthy and living well, as were its people. One day however there was a roar from the black of space. We as one turned to find ourselves face to face with a blindingly bright light in the distant skies. The umbrella men were unable to stop the force of this oncoming threat. Chandaka screamed and panicked, but fought fiercely. We did our best to steer the unknown force way, alas cows were a poor countermeasure. Everything we did was to no avail. The man, he was a giant. Nothing like Chandaka had seen before. This man cut through one of our suns causing an acid like rain. He then slammed directly into the planet and plummeted further down until reaching the core. He destroyed the planet from within. Many died that day and the rest of the planet followed in death. But your people now keep Chandaka breathing. We warn you today of the lives that have gone to waste. The people of this broken Chandaka are false. We do not know why."

  Ranch and Water, clearly baffled by the words of the shadow, blink rapidly again in unison. Water finally breaks the silence.

  “You still haven’t told us who this giant is and where or why he came here in the first place!” she exclaims.

  “The impact of the crash caused the giant to compact in size. Though, we know not of who or where he is now. We are done lathering you with letters to form words in request of your questions. We must vanish. Goodbye.”

  “But wait!” calls out Ranch Dressing. The shadow evaporates in all directions. “Frickin’ dangit!”

  A frustrated Ranch Dressing kicks sand up in the air.

  “That was completely confusing.”

  “At least now we have a new lead, friend,” Water says. “We should ruminate on the words of the shadow.”

  “Where the hell could that lead lead though?” asks uhh… the raptor, angrily.

  “We are to go down,” Water Baby replies. “We must see for ourselves if the planet is truly broken as the shadow being says.”

  Chapter 19

  Back at the tower, Alfonzo has had his fifteenth bathroom break and all the substitute beaters have already laid into Jeac.

  “Happy Wednesday, jerk,” he says. “You’re free to leave. Armando says he needs to speak with you about something. So once you’re done sulking get the hell outta my office.”

  Jeac lays on the floor motionless.

  “Crap,” says Alfonzo, foaming at the mouth. He slowly approaches Jeac and flips him over. Jeac punches him right in the center of his noggin and sends him sprawling to the floor. Jeac jumps to his feet.

  “Success!” he yells and then walks out of Alfonzo’s office.

  He heads to Armando’s office but can barely open the door. It is blocked by debris.

  “There seems to be a lot more shit in here than usual, boss,” Jeac says as he squeezes through the gap. He sits on his old laundry bin as Armando’s assistant lights his pipe. The pipe stretches the length of the room. The assistant leaves so he isn’t murdered because let’s face it that would happen.

  Armando inhales hard and coughs up all the smoke.

  “Forget everything you saw in the bathroom yesterday,” he says.

  “Forgotten,” Jeac says. “So what’s up?”

  “You were gone for a long time,” Armando replies. “You have to start all over again with the investigation. Square one. Forget everything you think you know. You’re still Feac as far as the Tower is concerned, but you’re an Ephemeral Peacekeeper now. Everyone is getting suspicious of your true identity. There have been way too many coincidences.”

  Armando takes another puff from his pipe.

  “We’re running out of time. No more distractions, you hear me?”

  Jeac stares blankly out the window.

  “Huh? Oh… Yes. You can count on me,” he says.

  Armando seems uncertain of whether Jeac is listening or not, but continues to talk anyway.

  “We’re actually very surprised that you made it out of that Sharkano alive, my dad and I. No one has ever done that, Jeac. Anyway, I need you to go up to the Graevelay Mountains. There has been some strange activity and we need someone to check it out. So do that and report back to me as soon as possible.”

  “I have a quick question before I go.”

  Jeac hops off the laundry basket and looks sternly toward Armando as he backs up towards the door.

  “Go ahead,” Armando says. He keeps smoking his pipe and speaks between inhalations.

  “I know you said not to talk about it but-“

  “Jeac,” Armando says. “Don’t.”

  “Do you peel it back like a banana or is it just like-“

  Armando throws his pipe at Jeac who ducks out the door before it hits him. He stands there giggling while he hears lots of smashing and cursing and then silence followed by a heavy sigh.

  The dwarf is now on his way down the tower and on his way to the Graevelay Mountains. Chandakas suns rise and set. Jeac gallops gracefully through the desert for a long while and sees no sign of any mountains. He grows weary and sits down to rest, he watches the suns set in the distance.

  As nightfall engulfs Chandaka, the setting sun bleeds around what appear to be mountains.

  “The Graevelays!” shouts an uplifted Jeac.

  Half the night goes by because Jeac is slowly walking and has a general fear that he might lose the mountains. As he grows nearer, much commotion can be heard from within. Very faint, but to the sharp ears of a dwarf it is like being stung by wasps.

  Jeac struggles up the mountain. Once at the top, he wipes the sweat off his brow with his now certifiably toxic beard. As he rests for a moment a flickering fire can be seen dancing from the back of a tunnel to his left. He walks closer and to the right he can see stairs dropping off into the darkness of the mountain. They seem to go on for miles.

  Another light can be seen towards the bottom though. He reckons it must be some sor
t of beacon fire.

  He hugs the wall as he lowers his leg carefully to the first step. Jeac inadvertently misjudges the distance between steps and falls head over buttocks down the old hard stone plates. Four hundred hours pass before he smacks down to the last step and rolls out into the center of the room.

  The dwarf rolls onto his back and groans in pain. The last beacon resides in front of him and reveals a giant stone door. Jeac, still spread out on the floor, jerks his head back in a jerking motion like a jerk and sees hieroglyphics scrawled across the archway.

  “Fearless Giant,” he reads on the carved stone.

  He rolls over and reads some more.

  “One Thousand Strong.”

  Our courageous dwarf jumps to his feet, waddles over to the enormous stone and simply knocks. Nothing happens at first but after a few moments a gravelly voice can be heard from the other side.

  “Who’s there?” it asks.

  Jeac presses his ear to the door.

  “Uh, me,” he says.

  “Me who?” asks the voice.

  Jeac steps back from the door and scans over the words again.

  “Um. Me… Fearless Giant.”

  The doors inch open just enough for Jeac to come through. His eyes quickly adjust to the dim lighting that shines around a dark colored dwarf, burly, with scars on his face. His limbs look heavy and his beard proud, like if you got good grades you’d want to show them to this beard because it’d be all, “Yeah, kid. You done good. Have a cookie.”

  “Hello friend,” the dwarf says. “I am Ted Lincoln. Who might you be?”

  Ted Lincoln’s smile cuts ear to ear as he shakes Jeac’s meaty-sweaty hands.

  “I’m Jeac Fernando, pleased to meet you.”

  Jeac’s eyes move to the city below and gaze upon its splendor. He’s never seen so many dwarves in one place before.

  Ted Lincoln wraps his arm around Jeac’s shoulder and guides him to the edge of the steps. He stands tall and projects his voice out to the people.

  “My people, my people, please, listen!”

  Ted Lincoln’s voice is so deep that it carries throughout the cave and bounces off the walls. He would be a difficult man to ignore.

  “Look who has ventured into our home.”

  All the dwarves turn their eyes towards Jeac. Most of them look puzzled but listen intently anyways.

  “Meet your new brother,” Ted Lincoln says. “Jeac Fernando. A true Fearless Giant, just like the rest of us!”

  The people cheer for Jeac. Ted Lincoln joins his people and hugs Jeac.

  “Come brother,” he says. “Follow me.”

  They make their way down the steps from the entrance and through the excited crowd. Dwarves all around pat Jeac on the back and welcome him home as he passes. Ted Lincoln and Jeac walk up a steep hill until they reach a secluded stone building with a guard (made of twigs and yarn) armed to the teeth, standing in front of the door. As the man sees Jeac and Ted Lincoln approach he steps to the side.

  “Ezekiel, stand guard and make sure no one enters without my say,” Ted Lincoln commands.

  Ezekiel nods – actually the wind blows through him and causes him to bob a bit – and keeps his focus on the city below. Ted Lincoln disappears through the door and Jeac starts to follow him. He looks back at the city.

  “Wow.”

  Part XIV: Hot Dog Guy

  Chapter 20

  Larry and Tony walk down the hallway to Mr. MacDermeoux’s office. The two come in and shake their boss’s hand before sitting in chairs placed in front of his colossal desk.

  “Larry. Tony.”

  He nods at both of them respectively as he pours himself a drink and gestures towards his whiskey with his fat hands.

  “Hm?” he grunts.

  “No thank you, sir.” Larry speaks for the both of them.

  “Good. I’ll get right to it then. I’m sure you boys remember what happened in chapter four? Well, we found out who that dwarf bastard really is. He humiliated our hot dog guy when he started flailing his penis around. And if that wasn’t bad enough, later he completely destroyed our guys’ hot dog stand with a whole pianists’ piano. That’s what I think it was, at least. So in short he made us look bad and he destroyed our property. This cannot stand. That bastard is out there right now looking for some mountain I think. He’ll never find it, but if he does then I’m gonna need you two there and I’m gonna need you two to kill him. I’m giving you guys the simplest task of shutting him up. Do this and you’ll both be in.”

  Larry clears his throat before saying, “Oh, thank you, sir. We won’t disappoint.”

  “Yeah, Mr. MacDermeoux, you can count on us,” Tony says like a guy who agrees with other people because he can’t form his own damn opinions.

  “I hope so. Don’t make me regret this decision, boys. Now, be gone.”

  Mr. MacDermeoux takes a swig of his whiskey, waves them out the door, and then turns his leather chair around to look out the window.

  “Ahem…” Larry coughs and then looks nervously at Tony.

  “Are you guys still here?” Mr. MacDermeoux asks.

  “Sir, we have no idea what this guy looks like,” Tony admits to the back of Mr. MacDermeoux’s chair. “Hard to find a guy what you can’t identify.”

  Mr. MacDermeoux spins around as he downs the last of his whiskey.

  “He’s a massive dwarf,” he says. “You’ll be able to spot him easy.”

  “Miyah! C’mon Larry. Boss is right. Let’s get this shmuck,” says Tony, slapping Larry on the back in excitement.

  Larry and Tony follow each other out of the building and get caught in the doorway. Through much trial and error and many comedic hijinks, they make their way down to the wastes of Chandaka.

  “Look Larry! Dwarf tracks!”

  Tony gets down on all fours.

  “Arright, Tony! You sniff out those tracks.”

  Tony runs alongside Jeac’s footprints as Larry follows behind. Two days pass and Tony loses Jeac’s scent, but they can see the mountains clearly so they keep on walking.

  “Hey, I’ve got a great joke,” says Tony. Larry is rolling a silencer onto his Cobra P8 16mm. “You’ll love it.”

  “Sure. Lay it on me,” Larry replies.

  “So… why don’t owls make love in the rain? Because it’s too wet to woo.”

  Tony busts up laughing and Larry, smirking slightly, chuckles and continues to prepare his gun.

  “You’re a real freaking moron, you know that?” he says while holding back his laughter.

  After a few more hours of dumb jokes, Larry and Tony get to the entrance of the mountains. They walk up the stairs with no problem. Their guns raised, they sneak into the mouth of the mountain and down the winding stairwell.

  “This sure is creepy, Larry,” says Tony. “I don’t like it.”

  “Yeah, I haven’t seen nothing like it,” Larry says.

  Tony and Larry eventually reach the bottom of the massive stair well and come face to face with the giant stone door.

  “Son of a bitch, what the hell is this shit?” exclaims Larry.

  “Relax Larry, let’s just shoot it open.”

  Tony starts shooting at the stone door but his bullets do no damage. In fact, the bullets ricochet around the room and Larry has to tackle Tony to the ground to get him to stop.

  Larry is lying on Tony, holding his collar and shaking him.

  “No!” he shouts. “Don’t do that again. You hear me?”

  Larry dismounts Tony after gazing longingly into his eyes and begins to examine the strange door. Tony, still lying on the floor, notices blood next to him. He rolls over and licks the stain furiously.

  “Dwarf blood!” shouts this gross character that I’ve created.

  Larry looks back.

  “What did you say?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I know that dwarf thing is here. He’s injured, it looks like.”

  Larry smiles. He is grateful for his companion.

  “So
all we have to do is get through the door,” he says. “I have an idear. Come here for a second, will ya? Stand over there and when I say so, you’re gonna push.”

  “Sure thing, Larry,” says Tony.

  The two men get on either side of the door.

  “PUSH!” shouts Larry.

  Tony and Larry push the heavy door open only a few inches. They’ve used all their strength, but manage to squeeze through to see the dwarven city below.

  “Holy ball sack,” says a startled Tony.

  “I agree,” agrees Larry. “Balls. Let’s find this waffle snogger.”

  The two mobsters, guns raised high, make their way down the steps into the streets of the city. Loud thumps can be heard in the distance. Roaring. Cheering.

  Larry and Tony become awed by the architecture of the city as they walk past buildings and statues. Finally, they spot a dwarf sweeping dirt away from a patio. The two mobsters duck into an alleyway while looking out at the dwarf who has his back turned on them.

  “That’s him,” Larry says. He pulls the hammer back on his gun and peeks around the corner.

  “Are you sure that’s him, Larry?” Tony asks.

  Tony crouches beside Larry and warily checks his ammo.

  “It has to be,” Larry responds. “He fits the profile. You know… Short. But I suppose we could just ask the guy to be sure.”

  “Ha-ha, great idea, Larry. He’ll never see it coming.”

  The two goons slide back around the corner. Larry, with one hand on Tony’s shoulder, and his gun at his side calls out to the dwarf.

  “Hey, shmuck!”

  The dwarf stops sweeping and turns towards them in confusion.

  “Now what do you two beautiful cupcakes want?” the dwarf asks. “You’re supposed to be in the coliseum!”

  “Did you hear that Larry? We’re baked goods.”

  Tony giggles a bit but maintains his composure.

  “Yeah, this bastard is real clever,” Larry says. “Think you’re untouchable, do yah?”