The Secret He Keeps

by Julieann Dove

She turned her body to look at him. “Are you kidding me? You really think he would give us the green light?” Her voice rose. She lowered it so her mother wouldn’t hear her. “I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard come from your mouth.” She crossed her arms and pinched her lips. “He would lay you out flat, probably.”

  “I disagree. He wouldn’t want to see you alone and sad, Rach.”

  “I think it would be easier if it was a stranger—someone we didn’t jointly hang out with.”

  “You’re just saying that because you’re scared.”

  She uncrossed her arms and leaned into him, lowering her voice. “Even if we did try this out, are you telling me that if we screw this thing up, that you won’t care if I move back here and start a practice? Mom’s already found me a spot.”

  “We won’t screw it up, Rachel.” He took her hands in his. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I know this, because I’ve never loved anyone else.”

  She jumped up from the sofa and faced him. “Stop saying that. You don’t.”

  She ran up to her room, passing her mother on the stairs. Dane ran after her. He caught the door before she slammed it on him.

  “Do you love me?” He held tight to her arms. The veins in his neck were protruding.

  She wanted to fall to pieces, to crawl back on her sofa at home and dial her husband’s telephone number, praying to God that somehow he’d answer. “It was a mistake. I should’ve never slept with you.”

  He dropped her hands and walked to the window. The light from the street shone in to her room; otherwise, there was a tiny light on her nightstand.

  “Are you going to say anything?” she asked quietly.

  Dane wasn’t moving. “I can’t. I don’t know what I’m allowed to say. I’m certainly not allowed to touch you the way I’m dying to inside. I can’t tell your mother she never has to worry about you because I wouldn’t let anything hurt you.”

  She kept her distance, figuring it was the right thing to do. “Dane, it has nothing to do with what you think you’ll do for me. I appreciate your intentions, but I’m just not ready for anything like this with you. I regret what happened last night.”

  He turned and looked at her with stillness in his eyes before he walked past her and slammed the door shut.

  She took a deep breath and collapsed on her bed. Why did she sleep with him?

  She stared at the ceiling in the soft light of her bedroom. Images of the hurt in his face haunted her. Finally, she got up and walked down to his room. She took a deep breath before she opened the door. He stood at his bed, stuffing things into his bag. “Where are you going?”

  “You win, Rachel. You can’t make someone love you.”

  “Dane, don’t go.”

  He slammed down a shirt. “Do you want to know the truth, Rachel?”

  “The truth about what?”

  “The truth about the night of your accident.”

  She grew cold inside. “What?”

  He walked around the bed and stood in front of her. “Scott drove over to my house and found us together.” He waited. “We were seeing each other, Rachel. It was you who was cheating, not him. It was us at the bed and breakfast. I had Melinda cancel your appointments that day and I picked you up at the dock and that was the first time we made love.”

  Rachel’s breaths came quickly and her knees grew weak. She sat on the bed, clutching her stomach, feeling for sure she was going to throw up.

  Dane knelt beside her and continued. “Scott was coming home late and drunk all the time. I suppose it was from finally getting his promotion at work and how he was working his tail off to make partner. Hell, maybe it was because his dad was a drunk. I don’t know why he found his cure at the bottom of a bottle. All I do know is you’d come over to my house and unload on me and before long, we fell in love with each other. I actually knew my feelings for you long before you felt the same for me. Sadly, I don’t think that could’ve happened without Scott falling into booze.”

  He rubbed her leg and she flinched. “The night you had your accident was the town mixer. Scott got drunk, and I helped carry him into the house and you put him to bed. Afterward, you came over to my house. You told me you were going to ask him to move out the next day, when he was sober and could understand you wanted a divorce.” He rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed to be sweating. His forehead glistened in the overhead light of the room.

  “He must’ve woke up and drove over to my house and found us there. He banged on the door, shouting he’d caught you. Seems he found the receipt for the bed and breakfast. He threw his wedding ring at you on my front porch. And before I could catch you, you’d ran outside with him. I watched helplessly as you got into the car, pleading for his forgiveness. I got the call that you were in the wreck and raced to the hospital. Scott had died.” He buried his face in his hand.

  Rachel grabbed her mouth and began to sob. Dane reached for her, trying to pull her close. She pushed him away and ran down the stairs and out of the house.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Following Your Heart

  Rachel walked until she couldn’t anymore. Her ankles stung from walking on the sidewalks with her two-inch heels. It was all she could find at the door before she ran out it. She got back to her mother’s house and pushed the door open. The television was playing from somewhere in the back. She hung her coat up and looked for Dane’s. It was gone. She went into the kitchen and found her mother standing, watching a game show. She turned around when she heard Rachel.

  “I’m glad you found your way back.”

  “Where’s Dane?” She wiped her runny nose with her hand.

  “He’s gone. Wasn’t that the objective?”

  “Mom, don’t start on me. What did he say?”

  She switched off the television and put her cup down. “He told me everything. He said he was tired of trying to make you love him. He thinks all he can do now is to leave you alone and maybe that will make you happy.”

  Rachel fell into the kitchen chair. She laid her head on the old wooden table. Her mother hadn’t changed the color of it since they got it at a garage sale, when she was in middle school. She said the green gave it character. Instead of changing the paint of it, she bought dishtowels that matched the table.

  “Mom, I don’t know what to do. He told me some awful things about myself. Things I can’t believe I could ever do. Did I ever love Scott? I don’t remember anymore. Why wouldn’t I try to help him? How could I just find comfort in someone else’s arms? And Dane’s, at that rate.”

  Her mother sat down beside her and combed her hair with her fingers. “Of course you loved Scott. I saw the way you looked at him on your wedding day. Like no one else was there. And don’t fool yourself into thinking you didn’t try to help Scott. If I know you, you tried everything you knew.” She straightened her posture and looked toward the stove. “Lord knows I tried to get Carl to stop drinking. People who have their noses so deep inside a bottle, just can’t hear ya sometimes. Rachel, it’s not your fault.”

  “How could I have cheated on him, Mom?”

  “I loved your father once, Rachel. Sometimes you just grow into different people and what you felt for that person at one time, you don’t anymore. There’s no crime in it. It just happens.”

  She raised her head. “Do you think I stopped loving him because he started drinking? I can’t even force myself to think of him that way.”

  “That’s why you haven’t.”

  “What?”

  “Your heart only wants to remember the good times with him. Your brain has chosen to hide the bad times from it.” She took her little girl’s hand and rubbed it. “So accept the gift it’s shielded you from and remember Scott the way you did on your wedding day. He was perfect.”

  “And Dane?”

  “Your heart found him once. Let it find him again.” She smiled at her daughter. “And Rachel…Ruthie’s death was not your fault either.”

  She hugged her
mother tightly and went upstairs to her room. She passed Dane’s on the way. It was empty. Her heart broke.

  ***

  The cold wind blew through her coat as she walked up to Dane’s front door. Suddenly she remembered that night when she ran from his house to chase down her husband. She tried to shake the memory away. Not all of the memories had found her, though. She was still missing all the bad ones with Scott. She figured she’d do as her mother suggested and keep them tucked away in the recesses of her mind. The ones with Dane still stayed hidden as well. She’d keep them a secret, too. What she couldn’t keep hidden anymore, though, was how she felt when she was with him. At least now she understood why she felt so drawn to him.

  She looked up at the imposing door, feet away from her. Christmas lights were still strung around the entryway, but they weren’t lit. Just like the ones hanging around the outside of her house. Her heart beat faster than it ever had. She couldn’t stop swallowing. Her throat muscles began to ache. What would she say?

  He answered before she could step away.

  “Hey.” He held open the door she’d barely knocked on.

  “Hey. Mind if I come inside? It’s freezing out here.”

  He backed up and held the door open.

  Man, this was going to be difficult.

  “Dane, I’m sorry.” She rubbed her hands together and stood on the edge of his rug in the living room. Her coat was still on, just in case he bounced her out more quickly than she imagined.

  His arms were crossed.

  He wasn’t going to make this easy.

  “Why didn’t you tell me any of that before? About us, before the accident?”

  “Because you hated yourself worse, the first time you realized you loved me. You stopped coming into the office for a while, and I stopped coming over on the weekends. It was awful. I suppose that’s why you repressed it. But we couldn’t help how we felt for each other, Rachel.” He approached her cautiously, unfolding his arms as he did. “And I wanted to relieve you from that guilt if I could. I didn’t want you to remember you had cheated. That we had cheated. He was my best friend, too.

  “I wanted to earn your love back. I knew if you loved me once, your heart would send you back to me. I guess I gambled wrong.”

  She reached out and touched his arm. “You didn’t. I’ve spent the last year racking my brain why all I wanted was to see you. I didn’t know why until now.” She stepped closer to him. Would he step back or was there a chance she hadn’t ruined it?

  He stared at her a long time, searching her eyes for something. He must have found it. He pulled her close and squeezed her tightly.

  Her heart was at peace. It had found its way back.