Bean's Heart (Hearts of ICARUS Book 7)

by Phillips, Laura Jo

  He walked to the tank directly in front of him, opened the injection cover and shoved the thick needle of the syringe through the rubber like material. He pressed the plunger down all the way, removed the needle and closed the cover. Then he stood back and watched. It didn’t take long.

  “Finally,” he whispered, watching his specially designed and mutated virus attack the flesh of the tank’s occupant. After a few minutes he turned to Glib, who stood exactly where he’d left him.

  “Prepare a titration series,” Weeble said, returning to the thick cushion in the center of the room that served as his throne. “I want to know how much is needed to achieve the desired outcome in the shortest period of time.”

  “The desired outcome, High One?” Glib dared to ask. Weeble paused to look at his drone. His drone. How he liked the sound of that.

  “The desired outcome, Glib, is to permanently remove the threat that has been hanging over our heads for far too long.”

  “The Colony,” Glib said with no discernible emotion.

  “Precisely,” Weeble said with a dangerous smile.

  ***

  A couple of hours after arriving home, Bean burst out of the house, turned around, swiped at the tears on her cheeks and started running. Away from the vids her parents had shown her. Away from the horrible words Vari and Shanti had said to Ria. Away from the nightmare Ria had suffered on the Leaper. Away from the guilt and the pain of knowing she’d betrayed her sister over and over again, year after year throughout their entire lives.

  She ran as fast as she could, not seeing or caring where she was as the tears continued to stream down her face. When she finally stumbled to a stop it was only because her body refused to take her further. She spotted an old gnarled tree on a small rise, and walked up to it, her legs trembling with exhaustion. She collapsed more than sat on the grass beneath the tree and leaned back against the trunk, gasping for air, tears still trickling from her eyes unnoticed.

  “Feeling any better?”

  “No.”

  “Bean, none of this is your fault.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this right now, Iffon. I need a few minutes. Please.”

  “All right. I understand.”

  Once Bean caught her breath she drew her legs up, wrapped her arms around them, and rested her head on her knees. Her mind revisited scene after scene from the past. Each one seemed different now, as though a veil had been lifted from her eyes. It hurt to look back, to see what she’d been so blind to for so long, to accept that there was nothing she could do to change what had already taken place. But she continued anyway, incident by incident, year after year, accepting the anguish as her due for not having seen more clearly. For not having felt Ria’s pain.

  A couple of hours later, when she’d gone over every event that she could remember, she closed her eyes and released a deep, shuddering sigh. “Was anything in my life ever real, Iffon?”

  “I’m real Bean.”

  “Are you? Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  She remained silent for a time and he thought she’d fallen asleep, exhausted from her tears more than the run.

  “I’m not,” she said suddenly, startling him.

  “Not what?”

  “Real. I’m not real, Iffon. I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not since I was six years old.”

  Iffon wanted to deny that, to soothe and comfort her. But he couldn’t lie to her. The only response he could give her was silence.

  “Will you help me, Iffon?”

  “Always,” Iffon replied instantly. “Um…with what?”

  “I’ve tried being normal before. Several times. I failed every time, as you know. The only people I’ve ever been able to be a little normal with is Vari, and sometimes Ria, and even with them I have to pretend a lot. You’re the only one I’ve never had to pretend with, and you know that, too. I need help, Iffon.”

  “Are you saying you want to stop pretending, Bean?”

  “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”

  “You know it won’t be easy.”

  “Yes, I know. I don’t have any idea of how to interact with people without pretending. I’ve spent my whole life refusing to let myself feel any emotion stronger than mild contentment, while pretending to feel whatever emotions were expected of me instead. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to change, but I have to, Iffon. I have to do this.”

  “I’ll help you Bean. I promise. But there’s one thing I’d like to know.”

  “Which is?”

  “Why do you want to do this? Why now?”

  “Because of those vids we just saw. Chaos did this to me, Iffon. It messed with Vari’s life, and Ria’s life, and mine, too. I can see that so clearly now, and I hate it. I want my life back.”

  “That’s a good reason, Bean. I can’t think of a better one. At the risk of offending you I have to ask, what should I do if you decide to give up again?”

  “I’m not giving up this time, Iffon. I swear that I won’t.” Iffon was both surprised and pleased, but her next words stunned him. “The first thing I’m going to do is tell my parents the truth.”

  “That’s the best place to start, I agree.”

  Bean raised her head, scrubbed her hands over her cheeks to wipe away the last of her tears, and stood up. She looked around to get her bearings and turned toward home.

  “You ready to go home now, Bean?”

  She looked up to see her Popi walking toward her. “Yes Popi,” she said. “I’m ready. To go home, and to talk.”

  “Talk?”

  “Yes. I need to tell you, Mom, Ata, and Dede a few things.”

  Ban looked at his youngest daughter for a long moment, his eyes sad as understanding sank in. The pain and sorrow that filled his heart made his loboenca want to howl to the heavens. But that was for later. For now, he could only wrap his arms around Bean and hold her. After a few minutes, he turned to the side, and they were home once again.

  Chapter 2

  A few days later…

  Bean sat on the steps of the back deck, holding one finger out for the little red and black songbird that Iffon had just coaxed out of a nearby tree. The bird’s tiny claws dug in sharply when it landed, but she kept her hand perfectly still. It looked at her with one bright eye, then dipped its head and turned to look at her with the other eye. It chirped, lifting its wings from its back briefly before settling them again.

  “He’s so cute,” Iffon said. “We should keep him.”

  “He’s a wild bird, Iffon,” Bean said patiently. “Putting him in a cage would be cruel.”

  “I know. He’s still cute, though.”

  “Yes, he is,” Bean agreed as she raised her other hand very slowly until it was next to the finger the bird stood on. The bird spotted the little seeds on her palm and snatched them up, one at a time in quick little pecks. He looked at her for another moment, bobbed his head in thanks, then spread his wings and flew back to the tree.

  “I never get tired of seeing you do that,” Saige said as she crossed the deck to sit beside her youngest daughter.

  Bean hesitated. She was used to everyone thinking she was the one who coaxed birds from the trees, but it wasn’t her doing and never had been. It was Iffon.

  “You can’t go into that just now Bean,” Iffon said. “Not without telling her about me, and the time hasn’t yet come for that.”

  Bean smiled as she looked up at her mother. It wasn’t the bright, cheerful smile she would have summoned up just a few days earlier, but at least it was real. Mostly.

  She’d learned to stop smiling all the time while living on Sheara 3, so dropping the façade of incessant cheer was easier than she’d expected it to be. Revealing her true feelings, even to herself, was much harder than she’d expected it to be. Hiding from everyone but Iffon had become not just a habit, or a choice, but a part of the person she’d become.

  She was determined to overcome it, though. She’d sworn that she wouldn’t give
up this time, and she’d meant it. She was going to find a way to express her real emotions again, to be a whole person again no matter how long it took.

  Most of my true emotions, she amended without letting Iffon hear. There were some emotions she still had to be wary of despite what Iffon thought.

  At least she’d told her parents about it, which was a big step. It had also been an extremely painful one. She tried not to think of their reactions when she’d told them that she’d felt it was her role in the family to always be happy, or at least content. It’d been heartbreaking to witness. So much so that she’d had to stop there, unable to confess anything else. At least told she’d told them there were a couple more secrets she had to tell. They didn’t seem to mind waiting. One thing at a time.

  “What’s the matter?” Saige asked.

  “I can’t stop thinking.”

  “I know, baby,” Saige said, nodding. “Me neither.”

  “I want to ask a question, but I don’t want a lot of details, if that makes any sense.”

  “It does.”

  “In the last vid from Ria, Thorn Katre said they were sending a vid of what happened to her on the Leaper. Did you watch it?”

  “No,” Saige said with a small shudder. “Your fathers took it to the Princes, and they agreed to watch it, then make the decision Ria asked for help with. They watched part of it. Enough, apparently, to know they couldn’t watch more.”

  “It was that bad?”

  “None of what they saw included Ria,” Saige said. “But yes, it was that bad.”

  Bean nodded. “What did they do with it?”

  “After careful consideration, they destroyed it. The victims’ parents believe their daughters walked unknowingly into an energy barrier, passing in an instant without fear or pain. It was decided to let them continue to believe that.”

  “Thanks, Mom. That’s what I wanted to know. I think it’s a good decision.”

  “Yes, so do I,” Saige said. “It wasn’t easy to come to that conclusion, but no good could possibly come from the parents having such knowledge. The man is dead, as his is brother, so there’s no punishment or retribution to be had. The truth would serve only to destroy them.”

  “Does Ria know?”

  Saige thought for a moment. “If she hasn’t received the last message yet, she will very soon.”

  “When she gets it, she’ll be able to put the entire matter to rest in her own mind. Until then, she’ll keep worrying at it.” Saige looked at her questioningly, then reached up and gently brushed away the tear rolling slowly down Bean’s cheek. “I see her clearly now, Mom. It’s almost like the truth was always right there, waiting for me to see it. I just never did.”

  “I know what you mean,” Saige said sadly, thinking of all the truths she could now see about all three of her daughters. And wondering how many she still couldn’t see.

  “Uh oh, Sentinels coming,” Iffon said just as Bean felt the burning sensation on the back of her shoulder caused by the meld.

  “You both need to stop,” a familiar voice said, crossing the lawn toward them from the side of the house.

  “Good morning, Hope,” Saige said.

  Bean bit back a sigh. “How is it possible for me to forget how well everyone can hear around here?”

  “Wishful thinking, perhaps?”

  “Good morning, Saige, and welcome home, Bean,” Hope greeted, stopping at the foot of the steps.

  “Thanks, Aunt Hope,” Bean said, catching herself just before she automatically stretched her lips in a big smile.

  “You can’t keep going on like this,” Hope said. “It’s been weeks now, Saige. If Ria knew how hard all of you are beating yourselves up over something that was out of your control, she’d be heartbroken.”

  “I know, Hope,” Saige said. “Now that the blinders are off, I see almost too clearly.”

  “There’s no such thing,” Hope said, her turquoise eyes flashing. “We’ve all gotten a little too complacent sitting here safe and snug on Dracon Ranch all these years. Chaos wandered in through the back door and made itself at home, and nobody noticed.”

  “You noticed,” Saige said.

  “No I didn’t,” Hope said with an uncharacteristic sigh. “I never understood many of things you said about Ria, that’s true. But it never occurred to me, not once, that there was some other force at work.” She reached up and tapped lightly at the silver and gold Owlfen on her forehead. “Neither did the Sentinels.”

  “Sentinels, Shmentinals. Overgrown know-it-all-chickens is what they are,” Iffon muttered.

  A large shadow appeared over the lawn and all three women looked up to see a leopard spotted dracon approaching with its claws outstretched. “You should pull back a bit more, Iffon. Aunt Lari is coming.”

  “Good idea. The chickens are too self-absorbed to notice much of anything beyond their own tail feathers, but dracons are entirely different beasties.”

  “Sentinels don’t have tail feathers, Iffon. They have…whatever they call feathers that have fur instead of feather…stuff.”

  “Which doesn’t make them any less self-absorbed.”

  Bean felt Iffon’s presence fade a little more as she watched the dracon land. The moment its feet touched the blue grass of the back lawn, it shifted into the form of a petite woman with long, red gold hair.

  “Hope is right,” Lariah Dracon said, walking toward them. “None of us ever suspected for a moment that Chaos was hard at work right here under our noses.” She stopped beside Hope and smiled at Bean. “Welcome home, Bean.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Lari.”

  “Good morning, Lariah,” Saige said, then spotted the Jotunn on Lariah’s shoulder. “Good morning, Zaza.”

  “Good morning,” Zaza said, her round eyes fixed on Bean. “Self do being not meet you before,” she said. “Do being same as Vari, but do being different.”

  “You know Vari?” Bean asked while studying the tiny woman curiously.

  She was about five inches tall with light brown skin, enormous round, golden brown eyes, and a small, slightly scrunched face. She stood on Lariah’s shoulder wearing faded jeans and a tiny orange t-shirt that matched the orange curls on her head, her wide feet bare.

  “Vari do being save self’s life on Leaper.”

  Bean’s expression remained empty, but inwardly she was immensely proud of her eldest sister. “My name’s Bean. You’re Jotunn, right?”

  “Yes, do being so, that,” Zaza said. “Self do being ask Bean question?”

  “Sure.”

  “You do being have bird?”

  Bean stilled. “There’s no way she could know about you, right?”

  “I’m not sure,” Iffon replied, surprising her.

  “If you mean a pet bird, no,” Bean replied. Zaza’s face fell, her bright eyes dimmed, and she sighed with obvious disappointment.

  “She charms wild birds from the trees, though,” Lariah said.

  Zaza’s eyes brightened immediately. “Do being so, that?”

  “Sometimes,” Bean replied, wishing she didn’t have to lie to the Jotunn, and wondering why it troubled her so much.

  “Zaza do being want Bean be friend. Do being say yes?”

  “Um…,” Bean said, startled though it didn’t show. “Friend? Why in the good great galaxy would she want to be my friend? What’s going on here, Iffon?”

  “I’m not certain, but you have to say yes.”

  “Sure,” Bean immediately agreed. She didn’t understand it, but her trust in Iffon was absolute.

  Zaza leapt from Lariah’s shoulder to Bean’s and settled down with a satisfied sigh. Bean looked down at her, sucking in a sharp breath at the sudden sensation of icy coldness against her temples. It was there and gone so fast she wasn’t completely sure it had been real.

  Zaza met her gaze evenly, then patted her shoulder with one tiny hand. “Do being understand soon. But first do being talk of Chaos.”

  Bean looked up, her face heating when she
saw that everyone was staring at her and Zaza. Lariah watched them for a moment, then turned her attention back to Saige.

  “We’ve known since your daughters were ten that Chaos influenced their lives, Saige. And yet we focused on Vari, assuming that it wouldn’t have any impact on Ria or Bean. How is it possible for all of us to be that dull-witted at the same time? And for so long? It makes no sense. Chaos has been playing with us. All of us.”

  “She’s got a point,” Iffon said. Bean felt Zaza twitch slightly on her right shoulder and glanced down at her again. She thought the Jotunn’s eyes looked surprised, but since they were already big and round, she couldn’t be sure.

  “I get that, Lari,” Saige said. “But what can we do about it? It’s not like there’s a physical manifestation that we can trap and toss in a cage.”

  “No, there’s not,” Lariah agreed. “But we can certainly pay more attention to what’s going on with ourselves and those around us.”

  “I need to go there,” Bean said, the words slipping out before she could stop them. Zaza nodded calmly.

  “What’s happening Iffon?”

  “Just go with it, Bean.”

  “How do I know this?” she asked Zaza. “Are you doing it?”

  “Do being self and Bean together. Do being…,” Zaza’s face screwed up in thought. “Purpose? Reason. Do be reason for self do being here.”

  “Iffon?”

  “I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about, Bean. You need to tell her that.”

  “I’m sorry, Zaza, but I don’t understand.”

  “Bean,” Lariah said hesitantly, then looked at Zaza. When the Jotunn nodded, she continued. “Zaza came here on the Leaper in search of you. She had repeated dreams that told her to come to Jasan and find you, but she didn’t know your name or even what you looked like. From some of the things she told me I suspected it was you she was looking for, but you’ve been away at school until a few days ago, and I’ve been away until last night.”

  “Looking for me why?”