Bean's Heart (Hearts of ICARUS Book 7)

by Phillips, Laura Jo

  She searched her mother’s eyes, eyes exactly like her own, and Vari’s, and Ria’s. Eyes that were too familiar for her to doubt the truth in them. The truth as her mother saw it, at least.

  “Is it too late, Mom? Too late for me to get strong enough to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do?”

  “No, it’s not too late. You know what was done to you now. That’s your leverage, and you need to use it. Any time you start to feel like you’re too weak, or too afraid, or just not capable of doing whatever it is you want and need to do, just remember those thoughts came from Chaos. Not from anything you ever did or didn’t do.”

  “I’ll try really hard to remember that, Mom.”

  “If you forget, I’ll remind you,” Iffon said.

  “Thanks, Iffon,” Saige said as they turned and started walking again. “It’ll help for me to know Bean has you with her.” Before they’d gone too far Bean’s feet stopped without her permission.

  “What is it?” Saige asked.

  “I need to speak with the Uncle Dracons.”

  “Is it anything you can share with me?”

  “Yes, and the Dads too, but nobody else and only when we’re together. I won’t even know what I have to say until then.”

  “All right,” Saige said, relieved to be included. “I’ll ask your Ata to set up a meeting.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” Bean said. “Do they know about Iffon?”

  “No, they don’t,” Saige replied. “Iffon said the Princes would soon know, but he never said he wanted us to tell them.”

  “I thank you, Lady Saige,” Iffon said, dipping his head. “It would be best, I believe, for them to learn about me when we are all together.”

  “Then that’s what’ll happen,” Saige said. They started walking again, taking their time as they climbed the long slope leading back up to the house. “I want to have some weapons made for you with Kunian steel before you leave, Bean. The dairi Lariah had made for Vari with Kunian steel made a big difference for them when they took the Leaper back from the Doftle. And I know Salene’s Kunian steel weapons made all the difference on that first storage planet.”

  “Mom, I don’t know how to use weapons,” Bean said, her arms crossing tightly against her chest the only sign of her worry.

  “That’s the beauty of it, baby. You don’t need to.” Bean stared at her mother blankly. “I’ve got some practice knives somewhere. I’ll dig them out and tomorrow you can start trying to make them fly at…well, not a tree. We’ll have to set up some targets, but you get the idea.”

  Bean was, once again, stunned. “I never thought of that. Of using telekinesis to throw a weapon. Even after throwing those rocks at the tree I didn’t think of it which just proves how dumb I am.”

  “You’re not dumb, Bean,” Saige said a little sharply. Bean blinked in surprise, and Saige sighed. “Even knowing how much Chaos messed with all of us, I still don’t understand how this is possible, but it happened. You and Ria both got perfect grades all through school, and we didn’t know it. Not until a few days ago when it just suddenly hit us. I went through the files and checked, just to be sure.”

  “Checked to be sure of what?” Bean asked, confused.

  “Somehow, even though we got copies of every grade both of you ever got, they never seemed to penetrate, or register, or…I don’t know, to be honest. All I know is that we always thought of Ria as being irresponsible and disinterested in her studies, barely managing to squeak through her classes. We thought of you as sweet and happy, but not as bright as your sisters. We thought you had to struggle to pass every class you took. I remember how surprised we all were when you earned your teaching credentials and were offered a teaching post on Sheara 3.

  “Both of you received phenomenally good grades in every class you ever took. We never once acknowledged that, never gave you a pat on the back, or told you how proud we were because we didn’t know it.

  “It makes me physically ill to think of how distorted our perceptions were, and how oblivious we were to it. We see more and more clearly by the day now, though. I wish I could think of a way to go back and change everything, baby. We all do.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Mom,” Bean said. “Seeing clearly now is what matters.” She shrugged at her mother’s skeptical expression. “I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m having a hard time with it, too. But we have to try.”

  “Yes, we do,” Saige agreed. “Otherwise, Chaos wins without even having to put up a fight. I don’t much care for that idea.”

  “No, me neither.”

  “So then, where were we?”

  “Telekinesis and weapons,” Iffon reminded them.

  “That’s right, thank you Iffon,” Saige said.

  “Do you really think I could do that Mom? Use telekinesis to control weapons?”

  “Yes, I do. You just need to practice, and there’s plenty of time for that.”

  “Where are your practice knives?”

  “I’m not sure, exactly,” Saige said. “In the training room somewhere.”

  “Let’s go find them,” Bean said, picking up her step. “I want to see if I can control them the way I do the marbles.” She gestured impatiently at her mother, then broke into a jog.

  Saige laughed softly and starting jogging too. She was happy that Bean had confided in her. There were things that worried and troubled her, but she set them aside. For the moment, she was going to focus on helping her daughter. There’d be plenty of time for regrets and self-recriminations later.

  ***

  “Okay, buddy, spill it,” Lariah said later that afternoon while pouring coffee for herself and Saige. They were sitting on the back deck of the Dracon home, overlooking the garden. A place where they’d had many heart to heart conversations over the years.

  “It’s Bean,” Saige said. “Somehow, just knowing that Chaos has been messing with us has taken all the blinders off. I see things that I never imagined, and that are so obvious that I can’t believe I didn’t see them even with the blinders.”

  “What sorts of things?”

  “Well, for one thing, Bean and Ria are a whole lot smarter than we ever thought. We have the records proving they both got consistently perfect grades, and yet somehow, we thought both of them had to struggle all the way through school.

  “Another thing is that Bean has no confidence whatsoever. She feels like a failure, and believes she’s a disgrace to the Lobo name.”

  “What?” Lariah asked, shocked. “Why?”

  “She can’t do tiketa or any of the other martial arts, which means, to her, that she’s a failure as a Lobo.”

  “That’s so sad,” Lariah said. “And so surprising.”

  “Surprising?”

  “It’s harder to imagine Bean keeping secrets than it is to imagine Ria doing it.”

  “I know,” Saige said. “Her biggest fear right now is that she’ll fail her sisters.”

  “Fail how?”

  “I don’t know and neither does she. She says this is the first time she’s ever been given something important to do, and that if she fails, her sisters will also fail.”

  “We always thought of her as being the light hearted, slightly ditzy one of the bunch, didn’t we?” Lariah said.

  “Yes, we did, and if you spent an afternoon with her now, you’d wonder how we ever could have thought such a thing. She’s the complete opposite of lighthearted and not at all ditzy.”

  “I’ve no doubt of that. Ria wasn’t a selfish unpredictable trouble maker, either, but we certainly spent a lot of years seeing her as one.”

  “That’s not the worst of it though.”

  “No?” Lariah asked, frowning.

  “No,” Saige said. “She’s working hard not to display emotions she doesn’t feel. Unfortunately, after so many years of burying her true feelings, she doesn’t know how to let them out. Sometimes I can see what she’s feeling in her eyes, or hear it in her voice, but not always. Other than that, she wears almost no expression on he
r face at all.

  “I noticed that last time I saw her. Is she aware of it?”

  “Yes, very aware,” Saige said. “Well, she wasn’t aware that I could see her emotions in her eyes. That startled her quite a bit. She’s worried about her inability to display real emotion, so we had to make it very clear that it wasn’t a problem. We told her that she didn’t need to go back to pretending, that she just has to be patient with herself.”

  “I think that’s exactly right,” Lariah said. “I also think maybe she doesn’t have any idea who she really is now, or how she’s supposed to feel about anything. She’ll figure it out, Saige. She just needs time.”

  “That’s our hope, too,” Saige agreed. “This whole thing breaks my heart, Lari.”

  “I know it does,” Lariah said, hugging her friend gently. “It breaks my heart, too. But the thing you need to remember is that they’re all smart, strong, and resilient. They understand what happened and they don’t blame anyone. Least of all their parents.”

  “I suppose,” Saige said.

  “You suppose?” Lariah shook her head with a little smile. “Did Bean confide in you, tell you the secrets she’s kept for so long?”

  “Yes, she did.”

  “That says a lot, Saige.”

  “You’re right, it does. As sad and wrong as this will sound, I miss my happy, light hearted daughter.”

  “Why is that wrong?”

  “Because it sounds like I want her to go back to pretending.”

  “No, it doesn’t. It sounds like you miss Bean being happy, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Chapter 5

  Saige stood at the patio door watching Bean as she fed a tiny bird a few seeds. She knew now that it was Iffon coaxing the birds, but she still felt that Bean had something to do with it. When the bird flew away, she opened the door.

  “You ready, baby?”

  Bean turned and crossed her arms tightly, a sign of nervousness that Saige now knew was an ingrained habit. A habit she’d never noticed until the last couple of weeks.

  “Is everyone here?”

  “Yes, they’re all in the meeting room.”

  “Okay,” she said, crossing the deck. She stepped inside and closed the door. “Mom, what do you think? Should Iffon unmeld the way he did when you first met him? Or should he come out now?”

  “Unmelding is a good idea, I think. It removes doubts right away.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Iffon said, too. I just wanted to be sure.”

  “What else?” Saige asked, knowing there was more even though nothing in Bean’s manner or expression revealed it.

  “I’m a little worried that they might hurt him.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just…,” Bean paused and took a deep breath to calm and compose herself. Another habit Saige had never noticed before. “Iffon’s more than a guardian to me, Mom. He’s also my friend. My only friend. I don’t want him to be hurt.”

  “I understand,” Saige said gently, hiding the fresh pain in her heart. “Don’t worry. They won’t hurt him.”

  Bean nodded as they walked down the hall to the big meeting room. Saige opened the door and they entered, causing the conversation to cease as everyone turned to look at them.

  “Hello, Bean,” High Prince Garen said, walking toward her to give her a gentle hug.

  “Hi Uncle Garen,” Bean said. After greeting and getting hugs from Trey and Val, her Ata suggested they all sit at the long meeting table.

  “You sit here, at the end,” Saige said, pulling the chair out for her.

  “Really?” Bean asked nervously.

  “This way everyone can see and hear you.”

  Bean thoroughly disliked being the center of attention, but her mother was right. “Okay,” she agreed. “Will you sit here too, Mom?”

  “Of course I will,” Saige replied, taking the chair at the end of the right side of the table.

  “Where’s Aunt Lari?”

  “She couldn’t come, Bean,” Garen said. “She promised Rayne she’d watch the babies for the day and couldn’t break her word. She sends her apologies.”

  Bean nodded, glanced at her mother and tried to breathe through her nervousness when she realized everyone was watching her expectantly. “You can do this Bean,” Iffon said. “Just relax. You know these men. They love you. It’ll be fine.”

  While Iffon spoke, Bean caught a look of surprise flash across Prince Garen’s face before it was quickly hidden. For some reason, that helped calm her.

  “I guess Aunt Lari told you about Zaza and me getting messages.”

  “She did, yes,” Garen replied.

  “I got a message yesterday that I needed to gather you and my parents to tell you something, but I don’t know what that is yet. First, I need to introduce you to Iffon.”

  “Iffon?” Garen asked.

  “Yes, he’s my guardian, Uncle Garen. He can be a little startling at first, but he’s not going to hurt anyone, I promise. He’s been with me since I was born.”

  “Bean, we’re not going to harm your guardian,” Garen said gently, sensing her worry. “This I promise.”

  Bean nodded, then held out her right arm. As before, an image of a blue and red bird slid out from beneath the sleeve of her shirt and down her arm. No one moved or spoke until the bird was fully corporeal and standing on Bean’s shoulder.

  “Iffon, these are the Jasani Princes,” she said, raising her hand to gesture toward them as she said their names. “High Prince Garen, Prince Trey, and Prince Val.”

  “It is my honor to meet you, Dracon Princes,” Iffon said, speaking so that all could hear him in their minds.

  Garen, Trey, and Val raised their fists to their hearts and bowed their heads, shocking Bean and her parents. “The honor is ours, Iffon,” Garen said. “In our hearts and minds, Bean is our much beloved niece, a member of our family. We are grateful and relieved to know that she has a guardian such as yourself to watch over her.”

  Bean frowned a little, sensing the subtext even though she didn’t understand it. Iffon, apparently, had no such problem.

  “I love Bean as well, High Prince Garen,” Iffon said. “I will place my life before hers to keep her safe, on this you have my most solemn vow.”

  Garen dipped his head in acknowledgment, then lifted it and smiled at Bean. “You keep secrets well, Bean.”

  “I’m sorry,” she began, but he shook his head.

  “That was not a criticism, Bean. It was praise.”

  “Oh,” Bean said. “Um, thanks.” She started to ask Iffon if he knew yet what this meeting was for when a sharp searing pain sliced through her head. Her hands went up automatically to press against her temples in a fruitless effort to ease the sudden pressure. She knew that tears were streaming down her cheeks from the pain, and she knew that everyone had to be watching her, but she couldn’t seem to make herself stop reacting to it. And then, suddenly, darkness fell.

  Garen was on his feet and at Bean’s side in a heartbeat. When he sent Water into her, he was stunned to feel it bounce back at him. He scowled, not liking this at all. He glanced at Iffon who stood completely motionless on Bean’s shoulder, and understood that he was no longer aware.

  Before he could consider a course of action, Bean’s eyes opened and her body relaxed. The fingers pressing against her temples lowered slowly to her lap and she turned her head to meet his gaze.

  “Worry not, High Prince,” a low, husky voice that did not belong to Bean said, though it was using her mouth to speak with.

  Garen rose slowly, Trey and Val at his sides, the Lobos now standing behind Bean. “To whom am I speaking?”

  “I am who you suspect me to be,” the voice replied. “Please relax. I have not fought Chaos these past twenty-two years to preserve this young woman’s life only to endanger her myself.”

  Stunned by that bit of information, Garen dipped his head, his eyes remaining locked with the entity currently i
nhabiting Bean’s body. “Thank you, Matriarch, for the assurance.”

  A warm, soft laugh escaped Bean’s mouth. “Yes, you have my assurance, Dracon Princes, as do you, Lobo parents of she who will one day become much more than she is.” There was a long pause and the expression on Bean’s face became pensive. “If we can keep her alive long enough.”

  Saige gasped softly, and Bean’s head turned toward her. “I apologize, Lady Saige. That was a careless thing to say.”

  “There is no need to apologize for speaking truth. I can only hope you mean to offer us a way of protecting our daughter.”

  Bean’s eyes looked to the Dracons, then the Lobos, and all retook their seats. “I see that you are still tense,” the Matriarch said. “Perhaps it will help if I say that, as Lady Saige is Chosen of the Eternal Pack, so too is Bean Chosen of myself, Matriarch of the Raptor’s Nest.”

  Saige looked quickly at her men who had confused expressions on their faces. But the Dracons clearly knew who the entity speaking through her daughter was. If they weren’t worried, then she wouldn’t be, either, she decided.

  “That does indeed help,” Garen said with a respectful nod. “At the risk of sounding overly curious, I cannot help but wonder why a Lobo daughter would be Chosen of the Matriarch.”

  “I don’t blame you for that since it was an unusual event even to me,” the Matriarch said. “I chose her before her birth, when I felt a stirring within the Nest unlike any I’d ever sensed before. I followed it, and what I found surprised even me.”

  “What did you find?” Saige asked, both wary and curious.

  “What I tell you now, I say to offer you some measure of peace. But it cannot be revealed to Bean at this time. The time will come for her to know this, and other secrets, and when it does, I will reveal myself to her. But she cannot know before then. Even a hint will alter the weave of the fabric being laid as we speak, throwing all into further Chaos.”

  “We solemnly vow to cede to your requests in their entirety, Matriarch,” Garen said. After everyone else at the table had made the same promise, the Matriarch continued.

  “Your youngest daughter, she who believes herself so weak and unworthy, shielded herself and her siblings against Chaos long before their birth.”