Unreal Collection!

by Paul Jennings

  Now don’t get me wrong. I love Dad. I always have. He is a terrific bloke. But one thing that he used to do really bugged me. It was the way he ate spaghetti. He sort of made slurping noises and the meat sauce gathered around his lips as he sucked. It used to get on my nerves. I think that’s why I did what I did. I know it’s a weak excuse. I shivered. Then I pointed the control at him and hit the PAUSE button.

  Dad stopped eating. He turned rock solid and just sat there with the fork halfway up to his lips. His mouth was wide open. His eyes stared. The spaghetti hung from his fork like worms of concrete. He didn’t blink. He didn’t move. He was as stiff as a tree trunk.

  Mum looked at him and laughed. ‘Good one,’ she said. ‘You’d do anything for a laugh, Arthur.’

  Dad didn’t move.

  ‘Okay,’ said Mum. ‘That’s enough. You’re setting a bad example for Matthew by fooling around with your food like that.’

  My frozen father never so much as moved an eyeball. Mum gave him a friendly push on the shoulder and he started to topple. Over he went. He looked just like a statue that had been pushed off its mount. Crash. He lay on the ground. His hand still halfway up to his mouth The solid spaghetti hung in the same position. Only now it stretched out sideways pointing at his toes.

  Mum gave a little scream and rushed over to him. Quick as a flash I pointed the remote control at him and pressed FORWARD. The spaghetti dangled downwards. Dad sat up and rubbed his head. ‘What happened?’ he asked.

  ‘You had a little turn,’ said Mum in a worried voice. ‘You had better go straight down to the hospital and have a check up. I’ll get the car. Matthew you stay here and finish your tea. We won’t be long.’

  I was going to tell them about the remote control but something made me stop. I had a thought. If I told them about it they would take it off me. It was the last I would see of it for sure. If I kept it to myself I could take it to school. I could show Guts Garvey my fantastic new find. He would have to make friends with me now that I had something as good as this. Every kid in the school would want to have a go.

  Dad and Mum came home after about two hours. Dad went straight to bed. The doctor had told him to have a few days’ rest. He said Dad had been working too hard. I took the remote control to bed with me. I didn’t use it until the next day.

  4

  It was Saturday and I slept in. I did my morning jobs and set out to find Guts Garvey. He usually hung around the shops on Saturday with his tough mates.

  The shopping centre was crowded. As I went I looked in the shop windows. In a small cafe I noticed a man and a woman having lunch. They were sitting at a table close to the window. I could see everything that they were eating. The man was having a steak and what was left of a runny egg. He had almost finished his meat.

  It reminded me of Dad and the spaghetti. I took out the remote control and looked at it. I knew that it could do PAUSE, FORWARD and FAST FORWARD. There was one more button. I couldn’t remember what this last button was for. I pushed it.

  I wouldn’t have done it on purpose. I didn’t really realise that it was pointing at the man in the shop. The poor thing.

  The last button was REWIND.

  Straight away he began to un-eat his meal. He went backwards. He put his fork up to his mouth and started taking out the food and placing back on his plate. The runny egg came out of his mouth with bits of steak and chips. In, out, in, out, went his fork. Each time bringing a bit of food out of his mouth. He moved the mashed-up bits backwards on his plate with the knife and fork and they all formed up into solid chips, steak and eggs.

  It was unbelievable. He was un-chewing his food and un-eating his meal. Before I could gather my wits his whole meal was back on the plate. He then put his clean knife and fork down on the table.

  My head swirled but suddenly I knew what I had to do. I pressed FORWARD. Straight away he picked up his knife and fork and began to eat his meal for the second time. The woman sitting opposite him had pushed her fist up into her mouth. She was terrified. She didn’t know what was going on. Suddenly she screamed and ran out of the cafe. The man didn’t take any notice. He just kept eating. He had to eat the whole meal again before he could stop.

  I ran down the street feeling as guilty as sin. This thing was powerful. It could make people do things backwards.

  I stopped at the corner. There, talking to his mean mate Rabbit, was Guts Garvey. This was my big chance to get into his good books. ‘Look,’ I said. ‘Take a squizz at this.’ I held out the remote control.

  Guts Garvey grabbed it from my hand. ‘Yuck,’ he growled. ‘Green chocolate. Buzz off bird brain.’ He lifted up the remote control. He was going to throw it at me.

  ‘No,’ I yelled. ‘It’s a remote control. From a video. You press the black things.’ Guts Garvey looked at me. Then he looked at the control. He didn’t believe me but he pressed one of the buttons.

  Rabbit was bouncing a basketball up and down on the footpath He suddenly froze. So did the ball. Rabbit stood there on one leg and the ball floated without moving, halfway between his hand and the ground. Guts Garvey’s mouth dropped open. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. The statue of Rabbit was still there.

  ‘Press FORWARD,’ I said, pointing to the top button.

  Guts pressed the control again and Rabbit finished bouncing the ball. I smiled. I could see that Guts was impressed. He turned and looked at me. Then he pointed the remote control straight at my face. ‘No,’ I screamed. ‘No.’

  But I was too late. Guts Garvey pressed the button. He ‘paused’ me. I couldn’t move. I just stood there with both arms frozen up in the air. My eyes stared. They didn’t move. Nothing moved. I was rock solid. Guts and Rabbit laughed. Then they ran off.

  5

  People gathered round. At first they laughed. A whole circle of kids and adults looking at the stupid dill standing there like a statue. Someone waved their hand in front of my face. A girl poked me. ‘He’s good,’ said someone. ‘He’s not moving a muscle.’

  I tried to speak. My mouth wouldn’t move. My tongue wouldn’t budge. The crowd got bigger. I felt an idiot.

  What a fool. Dozens of people were staring at me wondering why I was standing there posed like a picture on the wall. Then I stopped feeling stupid. I felt scared. What if I stayed like this forever? Not breathing. Not moving. Not alive, not dead. What would they do with me? Put me in the garden like a garden gnome? Stash me away in a museum? Bury me alive? It was too terrible to think about.

  Suddenly I collapsed. I puddled onto the ground. Everyone laughed. I stood up and ran off as fast as I could go. As I ran I tried to figure it out. Why had I suddenly gone off pause? Then I realised what it was. I remembered my Uncle Frank’s video. If you put it on pause and went away it would start up again automatically after three or four minutes. The movie would come off pause and keep going. That’s what had happened to me.

  I looked ahead. I could just make out two tiny figures in the distance. It was Rabbit and Guts Garvey. With my remote control. I had to get it back. The dirty rats had nicked it. I didn’t care about getting in Guts Garvey’s good books any more. I just wanted my controller back.

  And revenge. I wanted revenge.

  I ran like a mad thing after them.

  It was no good. I was out of breath and they were too far away. I couldn’t catch them. I looked around. Shaun Potter, a kid from school, was sitting on his horse, Star, on the other side of the road. I rushed over to him. ‘Help,’ I said. ‘You’ve got to help. Guts Garvey has pinched my remote control. I’ve got to get it back. It’s a matter of life and death.’

  Shaun looked at me. He wasn’t a bad sort of kid. He was one of the few people in the school who had been kind to me. He wasn’t exactly a friend. He was too scared of Guts Garvey for that. But I could tell by the way he smiled and nodded at me that he liked me. I jumped from foot to foot. I was beside myself. I had to get that remote control back. Shaun hesitated for a second or two. Then he said, ‘Okay, hop up.�
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  I put one foot in the stirrup and Shaun pulled me up behind him onto Star’s back. ‘They went that way,’ I yelled.

  Star went into a trot and then a canter. I held on for grim death. I had never been on a horse before. I bumped up and down behind Shaun. The ground seemed a long way down. I was scared but I didn’t say anything. I had to catch Guts Garvey and Rabbit. We sped down the street past all the parked cars and people crossing the road.

  ‘There they are,’ I yelled. Guts and Rabbit were in a line of people waiting for a bus. Shaun slowed Star down to a walk. Guts Garvey looked up and saw us. He pulled the remote control from his pocket. ‘Oh no,’ I yelled. ‘Not that.’

  6

  I don’t know whether or not Star sensed danger. Anyway, he did what horses often do at such times. He lifted up his tail and let a large steaming flow of horse droppings fall onto the road. Then he took a few steps towards Guts and the line of people.

  Guts pointed the remote control at us and hit the REWIND button. ‘Stop,’ I screamed. But it was too late. Star began to go into reverse. She walked a few steps backwards. The pile of horse droppings began to stir. It twisted and lifted. Then it flew through the air – back to where it came from.

  The line of people roared. Some laughed. Some screamed. Some ran off. How embarrassing. I was filled with shame. Poor Star went into a backwards trot. Then, suddenly she froze. We all froze. Guts had hit the PAUSE button. He had turned Shaun, Star and me into statues.

  While we were standing there like stiff dummies the bus pulled up. All the people in the queue piled on. They couldn’t get on quickly enough. They wanted to get away from the mad boys and their even madder horse.

  After four or five minutes the pause effect wore off. We were able to move. I climbed down off Star’s back. ‘Sorry,’ I said to Shaun. ‘I didn’t know that was going to happen.’

  Shaun stared down at me. He looked pale. ‘I think I’ve just had a bad dream,’ he said. ‘In the middle of the day. I think I’d better go home.’ He shook his head slowly and then trotted off.

  7

  ‘Rats,’ I said to myself. Everything was going wrong. I had lost the remote control. Guts Garvey had nicked it and there was nothing I could do about it. I was too scared to go near him in case he put me into reverse again. I felt terrible. I walked home with slow, sad footsteps.

  When I got home Dad was mad because the remote control had disappeared. I couldn’t tell him what had happened. He would never believe it. I had to spend most of the weekend pretending to help him look for it. The video wouldn’t work without the control.

  On Monday it was back to school as usual. Back to wandering around with no one to talk to.

  As I walked around the schoolyard my stomach rumbled. I was hungry. Very hungry. I hadn’t had anything to eat since tea time on Friday night. The reason for this was simple. This was the day of The Great Spaghetti Pig-out. A competition to see who could eat the most spaghetti bolognaise in fifteen minutes.

  The grand final was to be held in the school hall. The winner received a free trip to London for two and the entrance money went to charity. I had a good chance of winning. Even though I was skinny I could eat a lot when I was hungry. I had won all the heats. My record was ten bowls of spaghetti bolognaise in fifteen minutes. Maybe if I won the competition I would also win the respect of the kids. I was going to give the tickets to London to Mum and Dad. They needed a holiday badly.

  I didn’t see Guts Garvey until just before the competition. He kept out of my sight all day. I knew he was cooking up some scheme but I didn’t know what it was.

  There were four of us up on the platform. Me, two girls and Guts Garvey. The hall was packed with kids and teachers. I felt confident but nervous. I knew that I could win. I looked at Guts Garvey and saw that he was grinning his head off. Then I saw Rabbit in the front row. His pocket was bulging. Rabbit had something in his pocket and I thought I knew what it was.

  They were up to no good. Guts and Rabbit had something cooked up and it wasn’t spaghetti.

  The plates of steaming spaghetti bolognaise were lined up in front of us. Everything was ready for the starter to say ‘go’. My empty stomach was in a knot. My mind was spinning. I tried to figure out what they were up to. What if I ate five plates of spaghetti and Rabbit put me into reverse? I would un-eat it like the man in the cafe. I would go backwards and take all of the spaghetti out and put it back on the plate. My knees started to knock.

  I decided to back out of the competition. I couldn’t go through with it.

  ‘Go,’ yelled Mr Stepney, the school Principal. It was too late. I had to go on.

  I started shovelling spaghetti into my mouth. There was no time to mix in the meat sauce. I just pushed in the platefuls as they came. One, two, three. The winner would be the one to eat the most plates in fifteen minutes.

  I watched Guts and the others out of the corner of my eye. I was already ahead by two bowls. In, out, in, out. Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. I was up to seven bowls, Guts had eaten only four and the two girls had managed two each. I was going to win. Mum and Dad would be pleased.

  Rabbit was watching us from the front row. I noticed Guts nod to him. Rabbit took something out of his pocket. I could see that it was the remote control. He was going to put me on rewind. I was gone.

  But no. Rabbit was not pointing the control at me. He pointed it at Guts. What was going on? I soon found out. Guts began eating the spaghetti at enormous speed. Just like a movie on fast forward. His fork went up and down to his mouth so quickly that you could hardly see it. He licked like lightning. He swallowed at top speed. Boy did he go. His arms whirled. The spaghetti flew. Ten, eleven, twelve bowls. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. He was plates ahead. I didn’t have a chance to catch up to Guts the guzzling gourmet. He fed his face like a whirlwind. It was incredible. Inedible. But it really happened.

  Rabbit had put Guts on FAST FORWARD so that he would eat more plates than me in the fifteen minutes. It wasn’t fair. But there was nothing I could do.

  The audience cheered and shouted. They thought that Guts was fantastic. No one had ever seen anything like it before. He was up to forty bowls. I had only eaten ten and the two girls six each. The siren blew. Guts was the winner. I was second.

  He had eaten forty bowls. No one had ever eaten forty bowls of spaghetti before. Rabbit hit FORWARD on the control and Guts stopped eating. Everyone cheered Guts. I looked at my shoes. I felt ill and it wasn’t just from eating ten plates of spaghetti. I swallowed. I had to keep it all down. That was one of the rules – you weren’t allowed to be sick. If you threw up you lost the competition.

  8

  Guts stood up. He looked a bit funny. His face was a green colour. His stomach swelled out over his belt. He started to sway from side to side. Then he opened his mouth.

  Out it came. A great tumbling surge of spew. A tidal wave of swallowed spaghetti and meat sauce. It flowed down the table and onto the floor. A brown and white lake of sick. Guts staggered and tottered. He lurched to the edge of the stage. He opened his mouth again and let forth another avalanche. The kids in the front row screamed as the putrid waterfall splashed down. All over Rabbit.

  Rabbit shrieked and sent the remote control spinning into the air. I jumped forward and grabbed it.

  I shouldn’t have done what I did. But I couldn’t help myself. I pointed the control at Guts and the river of sick.

  Then I pressed REWIND.

  After that Guts Garvey was not very popular at school. To say the least. But I had lots of friends. And Mum and Dad had a great time in London.

  And as to what happened to the remote control. Well . . . That’s another story.

  All right. So you want to hear the story of the ghost on the dunny. Everybody wants to know about it, so I am going to tell it for the last time. I will put it on this tape recording.

  Someone else can write it down. My spelling is not too good. And anyway, I haven’t got the time for a lot of writing. />
  I am giving you a warning: this is not a polite story. If your feelings get hurt it will be your own fault. I call a spade a spade. And I call a dunny a dunny.

  If you live in Australia, you know what a dunny is. It is a toilet. A lavatory. Other names for it are throne, loo, WC, jerry, and thunderbox. I have heard it called other things, but I won’t mention them here. I am not a rude person; I just get to the point.

  Some dunnies are outside. An outside dunny is usually at the bottom of the garden, a long way from the house. If it rains you get wet. If it is night time you have to get a torch and go there in the dark. When you have finished you have to pull a chain to make it flush. There are no buttons or anything flash like that.

  2

  Anyway, I must get back to the story. It all started when I was fourteen years old. My parents died in a car accident and I went to live with my Aunty Flo. She lived in the country, at Timboon.

  I was pretty broken up – miserable, in fact. One minute I was as happy as Larry, with a mother and a father, living in a big house in the city. The next minute I was with Aunty Flo in the bush.

  Aunty Flo was nice. It wasn’t her fault; I just felt low because of what happened. That sort of thing is very hard to take.

  My new home was very old. It was a big wooden house with a verandah all around it. It had a tin roof; you could hear the rain falling on it at night.

  Inside the house it was very dark. Gloomy. Every doorway had wooden beads hanging down on strings. There were old photos all over the walls, pictures of glum men staring down at you. In the hall was a tall clock, a grandfather clock. It ticked loudly. The house was so quiet that you could hear the ticking in every room. For some reason you always felt like whispering. It was like a library.

  School had finished; it was the holidays. There wasn’t much to do. I didn’t know anybody in the town, so most days I went hunting rabbits. Or snakes.