“So we just have to wait for him to make a move?”
“Yes. And he’s not the only person I have to watch out for. There is one man I've done business with who will discover I'm alive, and at that point, I will have to continue supplying him with product. If I go after him, it is very likely I'll end up dead. That's not an option for me any longer. I want you to know I have only been supplying cocaine for the purpose of taking out other cartels, not because I want their turf. I want to rid this earth of the poison that has destroyed so many lives. None of my money comes from my family's business. I've put it to use, taking out product where I could and starting sustainable solutions, like growing quinoa. Everything my father stole from the people of my country is going back to them.”
“When this person finds you, what will he do to you? Look what happened to your mother. How can you promise me Gabriel won't meet a similar fate?” There was a slight tremor in her voice.
Her questions were legitimate. I hadn't protected my mother or my sister. How could Holly trust me to protect her and Gabriel when all I'd ever done was fail?
“I'll die before I let anything happen to either of you,” I said. Holly's concerns matched my own. I didn't want to bring trouble to them, but I couldn't make myself walk away. I needed them.
“I believe you.”
Hope grew that maybe she could get past the things I'd done.
“But I don't take risks with Gabriel. You know that.”
That hope shattered. “You think I haven't considered Gabriel? Or you? You deserve better than me, but the first time you looked into my eyes, you saw me. I know you did. At that second, I wanted to be something more than I am.”
“If it were just me, I'd have a much more difficult time walking away. But that's not the case. This was only supposed to be sex anyway.” My Beauty’s eyes were not reflective of her words, but her inner strength had grown even stronger over the past weeks we’d been together.
She was killing me, ripping at my heart one claw at a time. “It was never just sex,” I growled, the thought infuriating me. “Deny it if you must, but we both know this is well beyond that. Has just fucking ever felt like this for you?” Goddamn it, I was hurt that she attempted to water down to nothing what we had between us.
“No. That makes this all the more difficult.”
“We can be a family. It's what I want. I spoke with Daniel about an apartment we could make ours. Or we could stay in this one, if you like. There is no future without you and Gabriel in it. I love you, Beauty.” I was supposed to wait to say that, give her time to get used to me, but if I was going out, I was going to lay it all on the line.
“We barely know each other.”
I brushed her cheek with trembling fingers. “I know how I feel. I'm not trying to scare you, but I can't let you think otherwise. You have never been just an object to fulfill my physical desires. When I'm with you and Gabriel, I feel whole. I’ve found my place in life. If I had to go through everything again to be here with you, I'd do it.”
She stared at me through a sheen of tears and grasped my hands. “If there were no serious threats to you, if you were out of it, we could maybe try. But you have to understand why we can't. I don't want Gabriel around guns and criminals—and no, I don't see you that way. It's the people you say you're associated with who scare me. I'm fortunate we haven't been a casualty yet between my brother and our parents. I haven't spoken to my mom and dad since before Gabriel was born because I can't take the risk. He doesn't need to know that side of life. Not now anyway. I want him to keep his innocence as long as possible.”
My heart seized. If she’d already cut people she loved out of her life, I didn’t stand a chance. “Beauty,” I choked out.
Her eyes softened, but she squared her shoulders. “I'm furious with the situation. This is going to break Gabriel’s heart, but we can't continue like this. I understand there will be times he may have to see you, and we'll deal with that as it comes, but you can’t be an active part of our lives.”
“At least let me continue to help you while Muriella is gone.” It was a desperate plea, but I was a desperate man, falling off a cliff into an abyss. I was going to land in hell next to my father, where I was destined to spend eternity.
“We'll be fine. I can't drag this out.”
I was supposed to get up and leave, but I couldn't make myself move. “You're doing the right thing,” I heard myself say. It was true, and I had this need to reassure her, though she didn't appear to need it. There was a shadow of sadness in her eyes, but she hid it well. “I wish you needed me half as much as I need you, but that's one of the things I love about you most. You are strong, and you don't compromise when it comes to Gabriel.”
“You've got a much better heart than you realize. The way you've treated me and Gabriel . . . I've never felt so cherished. You’ve helped me find a part of me I thought I’d lost.” Tears brimmed her lovely eyes, and, as her voice caught, she continued, “You don't know how sorry I am things aren't different.” Holly swallowed hard.
“Walk me to the door?” Once we were in front of it, I tugged her into my arms and held her against me, cradling her head in my hands. “Promise me, if you ever need anything, you'll come to me. I don't care how long it’s been or what it is, I will always be here for you.”
“Okay,” she said hoarsely.
I bent to kiss her one last time. My instinct was to devour her, but I went slow, lingering. Savoring. Her mouth was perfect: soft, pliant, made for mine. She yielded to me, giving when I knew it was difficult for her, but as she kissed me back, I felt she needed it as much as I did. The longer I drew out the kiss, the more I wanted from her.
I pressed her up against the door, caging her with my body. She latched onto my hair, holding me in place.
My pelvis rocked into hers, and she whimpered into my mouth. The situation was escalating to the point that I would have her naked in less than three seconds if one of us didn't stop. I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to halt. I'd shown extreme willpower in a lot of situations, but where she was concerned, I didn't have any.
I slid my hand under her blouse and groaned at the feel of her skin as I skimmed up her back. She arched into me, her breasts pressing against my chest. The barriers between us needed to go. I stretched her arms above her head and tugged at the bottom of her shirt.
Her mouth ripped off mine. “Carlos. No. We can't,” she panted.
It took a moment for me to register what she was saying, but then I smoothed her shirt back into place. “I'm sorry. You make me lose all control. I didn't mean to take it that far.”
“I didn't want you to stop either,” she confessed. “But we have to.”
I put some space between us. “I love you, Holly. This time with you, no matter how short, has been more than I could have dreamed of. And that little boy of yours? He’s incredible. A credit to you. He owns my heart as if he were mine.”
She gulped a sob back, and I could barely take the sorrow in her eyes. I want this woman. I want this family. But because of my fucked-up, egotistical father, I’d never have her. Them. Even from the grave he’d taken everything.
I shifted her away from the door and opened it, leaving every piece of me that was worth anything behind when I walked out.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Carlos
Hell was a place I was all too familiar with. I hadn't slept, sitting in Muriella's chair, staring into the darkness until the sun rose. I'd sulked. I'd prayed for help I didn't deserve. I’d wondered if Donato would really be able to help me. I'd wracked my brain for a way out of this mess so I could be with Holly and Gabriel. I couldn't see one where I didn't end up dead. Although, the way I felt, that might be better than being alone.
At seven o'clock, I got into Muriella's SUV and drove to Gabriel's school, parking where I could see the entrance undetected. Like a stalker, I watched Holly kiss Gabriel goodbye, my chest tightening when I saw the cowboy sticking out of his backpack.
Holly stood there for a moment after he went inside before getting back in the taxi.
This was the hardest part of her day, and I couldn't be there to help her through it. That tore me to pieces, and no matter how often I vowed someday we could be together, I wondered if it was only a delusion I kept telling myself to keep going.
I followed her. After I figured out she was going to the office, I went back to Muriella's apartment and called my sister.
“Hey,” she answered, sounding sleepy.
“Did I wake you?” I asked, instantly apologetic. They weren't in their regular routine, and it hadn't occurred to me they might be resting whenever they could.
“No. I've been up for a while. Stone got up early to tend to the horses.” Muriella sighed. “It didn't go well, did it?”
My lips parted. How could someone who didn't really know me, know me so well? “She said if Gabriel weren't in the picture, she probably couldn't walk away. But since he is . . .” Everything inside me hurt. “I understand. I do. I'm no good for them. No good for you either. But it's not even been twelve hours, and I’m flailing.”
“You have to respect her wishes,” she said.
“I am. It just feels wrong.”
“I don't know what to tell you. I wish I had the magic answer, but Holly has to see things in black and white when it comes to Gabriel. That has nothing to do with you as a person—”
“It has everything to do with that. If I wasn't who I am, we’d be together.”
“If you weren't who you are, she wouldn't want you.” She had a way of putting things in perspective.
“So either way, I'm fucked,” I complained ruefully.
“Watch your mouth,” she chided, though it was halfhearted.
“Sorry. I'm going out of my mind here. She won't let me help her while you're gone, but I'm going to anyway. Will you teach me how to cook something I can leave in her refrigerator that she can heat up? I'll do it while she's at work. That way she won't have to see me.” The idea came to me out of nowhere, but the more I talked, the more I liked it. Holly had said how nice it was not to have to worry about what they would eat. I could take care of that for her.
“Carlos—”
“Please help me, Muriella. I need to take care of them, and it's just become a lot more difficult.”
“How did Holly ever say no to you? Because I'm finding it exceedingly hard,” she said in mock exasperation.
“Thank you.” Relief rushed through me, though the small victory changed nothing.
“Give me a few minutes and I'll email you some recipes that won't be too difficult for you.”
“Muriella?”
“Yes, Carlos?”
“I've missed you. No wonder I've made so many poor choices. I didn't have you around to keep me straight.”
“Well, now you do. But I'm serious. I know you love her, and you don't want to let her go, but tread carefully.”
“I told her,” I blurted.
“That you love her? I thought you were going to wait.”
“It just came out.”
Muriella sighed. “That was very brave of you. I'm glad you told her how you feel.”
“I love you too.” I was becoming an emotional guy. It wasn't as bad as I’d thought it would be.
“Love you.”
I'd needed to hear that from her. It didn't fix anything, but it made me feel better. Good enough to take a shower while I waited for the email from Muriella.
* * *
True to her word, she sent the recipes and a detailed description of where the ingredients we had on hand were and which ones I'd need to purchase. She included the location of the pots and tools I'd need, and her recipes were easy enough for even me to follow. Having a purpose helped my bruised heart, kept me from thinking about why I was doing this now instead of later with Holly and Gabriel.
I prepared chicken enchiladas where all that needed to be done was to cook them in the oven. I wrapped the dish with aluminum foil and placed it in the refrigerator, then scrawled a note to Holly. It took me six times to find the right thing to say, and even then, I wasn't satisfied. How did I find the words when the ones I wanted to say would only be harder on her? If writing I love you on the whole notepad were an option, I'd have done it, but she'd think I was insane. Hell, I probably was.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Holly
It poured down rain all afternoon, and I was late picking up Gabriel. He easily accepted my apology and explanation for my tardiness, but the sparkle in his eyes dimmed when he realized Carlos wasn't with me. In the back of a taxi, I tried and miserably failed at attempting to tell my son why Carlos wouldn't be around as much. He was too smart for me to fool, and in the end, I simply said it was the best thing for all of us if we had limited interaction with him. It sounded hollow to my own ears and felt completely wrong, but it had to be this way.
Gabriel's heart hurt as much as mine did, and he cuddled up with his head in my lap, clutching the cowboy Carlos had given him. The ride home was the first time I'd really stopped all day long, and a bone-deep weariness took hold. I prayed we had something edible in the refrigerator that wouldn't take much to prepare, simultaneously feeling like a disappointment as a mother for not knowing the contents of the pantry. That, along with hurting Gabriel and my aching heart, had me struggling to fight off a monster of a mood.
“I want to play soccer,” he said as soon as we stepped into our apartment. He helped me out of my coat before shrugging out of his own.
“Baby, it's raining outside. We'll have to wait until it stops.” I hung up our jackets. “Go change and then you can show me what you learned at school today.”
“Yes, ma'am.” Gabriel took off, and I went to the kitchen to see what I could scrounge up for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator door, and sitting on the center shelf was a casserole dish and a note perched atop the foil. I snatched the folded paper up and let the door slowly close on its own. I knew that handwriting, and it had my pulse speeding up at the sight. Curiosity over what the note said won out over being irritated he'd been in our home without my permission.
* * *
Place in the oven at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.
Enjoy.
Forget the dishes.
Take a bubble bath.
And don't be angry with me. Think of me as an invisible extra set of hands.
* * *
There was an imprint in the shape of heart below the writing, like he'd drawn it on another draft and then thought otherwise. It was what he'd clearly wanted to put but hadn't, and that had me leaning against the counter for support, clutching the paper in my hands. Carlos meant well, and I was grateful for the trouble he'd gone to. I didn't care what was under that foil, so relieved not to have to think about dinner, but eating whatever he'd prepared was going to be painful.
I hadn't been able to put him out of my mind all day, halfway regretting I'd stopped him last night from taking me one more time before he left. It wasn't only the sex I'd thought about. His kindness to me and Gabriel was what I was missing already. He'd never have any idea how difficult it had been to send him away. I wanted everything he was offering, down to the apartment and his love for me and Gabriel. That was sheer insanity when I'd been so careful before, and now, after knowing him only a short time, I was willing to allow someone into our lives. There hadn't been a choice. Carlos had made himself at home with little argument from me and none from Gabriel. Now we were all paying the price.
It bothered me that Carlos had been so involved in the distribution of drugs, but not as much as the pain in his voice when he'd told me a little about his past. Horrific events had shaped him, and all I wanted to do was soothe that ache. I believed him when he told me he had only been in business with his father for the purpose of taking him down. I sensed he hated drugs worse than I did. My life had been on one end of addiction, his on the other, and somehow, we'd found one another. I could overlook whatever he'd been involved in if
that chapter was over. But it wasn't. Just as my family suffered from the effects of addiction, he was trapped in a different way. I could never risk Gabriel.
I'd seen the trace of fear for us when he'd mentioned he'd have to continue dealing with his past associates. I wanted Carlos in our life. I wouldn't bother denying it. But it couldn't happen as long as he was involved with dangerous people.
“What's that, Mama?”
Gabriel pointed at the paper in my hands, and I gave him a forced smile. “Instructions for heating up dinner. Let Mommy go change, and then we'll talk about school.”
I took off my shoes on the way to the bedroom and nearly burst into tears when I saw my yoga pants and sweatshirt laid out on the made bed. Carlos made the little everyday things so easy. This wasn't pressure for me to let him be with us. It was him doing things for me because he wanted to take whatever stress he could off my shoulders.
Either I picked the wrong man because he was an asshole, or I wanted the one man I couldn't have. Carlos wasn't perfect, and God knew I wasn't. If it weren't for Gabriel, I'd overlook it all. No one had ever treated me the way he did. When I took my dirty clothes to the laundry room and saw the folded piles of clean clothes, I couldn't hold back anymore. I cried.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Carlos
“They’ve pulled back resources. At this point, he’s not worth the expense of searching any longer.”
Holly’s brother had yet to be captured. I wasn’t sure if that was a positive sign for his life or not.
“Have your people found anything?”
“No.” Donato sounded angry about that, but he was doing all he could.
“Will you speak to Holly?”
Dangerous Redemption: A Single Parent Forbidden Romance Novel (Paths To Love Book 4) Page 18
