Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “If you know any nice men to invite,” one of the others continued, “then we might be willing to extend one.”

  “Only men I know are taken,” I said, putting a hand on Reg's crotch and trying to keep myself from growling possessively. I might be a dragon … wait, sorry, elemental but I didn't have to act like one. I did however act like a total nympho around these guys which was fine, right? Because the archaic term for elemental was nymphomaniac … er, nymphs. Just nymphs. “So I think we'll pass on the party.”

  “Too bad,” one of them said, cocking her hip out and smoking her cigarette like she thought she was hot shit. She'd gotten the shit part right, that was for sure, but the rest of it … eh, not so much. “Because there are a ton of other elementals down there rockin' out. None of them are single though, so boo.” She ashed her cigarette and jerked her head toward the mouth of the alley. “Come on, ladies. Let's go find some dates.”

  Just as I wondering how in the ever loving fuck they were going to find dates—unless they were looking for more sewer trolls—the girls paused, dug around in their green skinned boobs and came up with various bottles and pouches. As Reg and I watched, they downed the items and found themselves all nice and glamoured up.

  Blinking, I watched as their … er, is hideous too strong of a word? … forms shimmered and lost focus, coming back into sharp, natural clarity with a snap. Their skin colors now ranged from creamy white to warm brown to smooth black. Not a lick of green in sight. And their hair? Well, it looked like they'd just stepped out of a Beverly Hills salon.

  Now, I was the ugly one.

  I glanced up at Reg and found his face twisted with concern.

  “You okay?” I asked, but he didn't answer. I had to reach up and grab the front of his blue wifebeater, yanking on the ribbed fabric until he bothered to glance down at me. “Dude, I asked if you were alright?”

  “Did you hear what they just said? Sewer trolls are consummate gossips. And they're telling us about a secret sewer rave full of married elementals? Come on, Sugar Tits, think about it.”

  “You think it's Daniel and the moms,” I said, and tried not to laugh because come on? The moms? Wasn't exactly a bad guy term that made me shiver in my lacy knickers.

  “You don't?” he asked, and I sighed.

  “I didn't say that,” I told him, because I wasn't stupid and the thought had occurred to me. Now that I was getting a hang of this supernatural stuff, I was starting to make the connections on my own. I didn't need to be spoon fed all the information. “I just wanted to go to the bookstore, to be honest with you. I feel like I haven't had a moment to breathe in days.”

  Reg sighed and pulled his cell from his pocket.

  “Tell you what? It's early yet. If Daniel was planning something, he'd probably wait for things to get a little more heated before he pounced. Let's call my mom and see if she can get one of her COCS inside the tunnel, find out if CUM managed to weasel their way in there.”

  Heh.

  I tried really hard not to laugh at that and failed, putting my hand to my mouth and giggling stupidly.

  “Sorry, but that was literally the best your mom joke I've ever heard in my life,” I muttered and Reg flashed a bright grin. That's what I liked best about him, how cheerful he was. Like, he was a cocky piece of shit with a bad attitude, but he was also the kind of slutty douche that's so open and friendly, you can't help but like him back.

  “I'll call her, we'll get our ice cream, and go to the bookstore. And then we'll tell the others,” he said, and I nodded, feeling grateful for the moment of peace … but also concerned about what the rest of the night might hold.

  I had a feeling my peaceful downtime … wasn't going to last long.

  No, I had a hunch that something … or somebody … was going to get blown up.

  Sixteen Blow Job Techniques to Keep Your Premature Ejaculator From Blowing His Load.

  That was the title of the book in my hands, but I was honestly just so shocked there even was a published novel with those words on the cover, I just had to grab it and look.

  Not that any of my boys was a premature ejaculator. And even if they did sometimes, uh, explode early, at least they could get it up again pretty quick. That, and there were plenty of extras around to satisfy me if I needed satisfying.

  “Hey Blossom, did you find something good?” George asked, surprising me so much that I spun and ended up spattering the book in my hands with ice cream. Oh. Shit.

  “Hey, you're gonna have to pay for that,” a nearby employee said, tucking some of her blonde hair behind an ear. She sauntered over to me with her pixie cut and her perfect makeup and … as I stared at her, I saw that she literally had pixie wings hiding under her glamour. “Give it to me and I'll ring you up.”

  “I'll pay for it when I'm done browsing,” I growled out through gritted teeth, trying to maneuver myself so George couldn't see the title.

  The pixie sighed and rolled her eyes, grabbing a little radio stuck to her purple vest.

  “Let me just tell my boss so he knows to look out for it when you hit the register.” Before I could stop her, she'd plucked the item from my hand. “Dave,” she said into the radio as I stood there and tried to smile my way through this. “Yeah, this lady got ice cream on a new copy of 'Sixteen Blow Job Techniques to Keep Your Premature Ejaculator From Blowing His Load'. Keep your eye out for her, thanks.”

  She handed the copy back and smiled pityingly at me as Billy walked up behind me and put his arms around my waist, smelling like campfire and sex. Okay, so he didn't smell like gross-we're-done-there-are-juices-sex, but like he was pure unadulterated sin on a stick.

  “My boyfriend used to have trouble coming inside his pants. That book saved our relationship.” She grinned. “Don't give up, okay?”

  The girl walked away and left me blushing and clutching the book I didn't want against my chest.

  “Warden and Dustin must've sucked some serious ass, huh, Firebug?” Billy asked, stepping away from me and grabbing a book on the Kama Sutra off the shelf. He thumbed through it and then tucked it under his arm.

  “This …” I sighed and just waved his question away. Why bother? “I'm looking for a fantasy novel.”

  “Like you're not already living a fantasy,” Billy said, glancing over at me and looking like the devil himself, slick and mean and sexy as fuck. His orange-brown eyes smoldered and his smile was slow and sensual, dripping with innuendo. “Four husbands all to yourself? Sounds pretty sweet to me. I'd like to have four wives.”

  I threw the ice cream book at him and he caught it, deftly and surreptitiously sticking it back on the shelf and grabbing my hand.

  “Come on, George, let's make like a tree and leaf,” he said with a grin, dragging me—and in turn dragging the earth elemental because I'd grabbed his hand—out of the Sexual Education section and into the fantasy/sci-fi aisle. “We're not made of money,” he said as I gave him a look and he grinned … went neutral … frowned. “Oh, and then there's all that money we borrowed for Warden. We're going to be paying that three million for quite some time.”

  I choked on my ice cream and found the pixie employee watching me over the top of the shelf with narrowed eyes, like she thought I was going to spit ice cream all over The Lord of the Rings trilogy in front of me.

  “I thought the wedding was the payback?” I said, and Billy shrugged like there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't quite willing to talk about yet. “Billy,” I continued, and George sighed from beside me.

  “Billy doesn't want you to marry Warden and Dustin.”

  “Whoa, hold the phone. I sort of figured Warden would be dragged into this mess whether he liked it or not … but Dusty? We don't even know him!”

  “Joan was very clear in her demands,” George continued, looking like some sexy Tarzan but … you know, without the loincloth, broken English, and bad manners. But he had that sun-bronzed skin, the tree of life tattoo on his arm, and the most beautiful brown eyes I'd ever s
een in my life. “She wants a complete sept—and she has a point. If Warden and Dustin run off into the world, we're not going to be powerful enough to stand up to Daniel, let alone the full force of CUM in our faces.”

  I giggled again and then promptly coughed to stop myself from breaking into full-on piss-in-the-pants laughter.

  “Right, CUM in our faces,” I said and found the pixie raising her eyebrows. I sort of wanted to punch her in one of her invisible wings, but eh … Not worth the trouble. I sucked on my ice cream and glared instead. “So we need Warden and Dustin, huh?” I wondered, thinking of the look on Warden's face when I'd accidentally called him Max.

  I had no idea where he'd disappeared to after that, but I hoped like hell he'd stick around this time. The popping in and out was starting to get annoying (that's what she said). The thought of never seeing him again … well, it hurt twice as bad as it had before. I was afraid that now that I'd had him back, I wouldn't be able to let him go again.

  I hoped he truly was considering sticking around. Our relationship needed a lot of work, but I was willing to put in the time if he was.

  “I'd rather just pay back the three million and let those assholes go. What's the point of having them around if they're not interested in being here?” Billy asked, grabbing a book off the shelf and trying to hand it to me.

  It was The Vixen's Lead by Tate James.

  “I already have that one,” I said, pushing his hand aside. That book and the matching bra and panties set, I whispered to myself. No way was I saying that aloud.

  “How about this?” George asked, offering me a copy of Pack Ebon Red by C.M. Stunich.

  I took it, read the back and realized it was also a reverse harem book, just like the other one. And also like my life. I was living in a reverse harem and … it was surreal as hell.

  Whoa.

  Existential crisis, much?

  “I was sold at werewolves, witches, and vampires,” I said, tucking the book under my arm and trying not to think too hard about the fact that I was living a fantasy life. Like, literally. There were elemental dragons, men who wielded the elements, sex demons trying to kill me … Plus, I had all these smoking hot dudes panting after my—let's be honest—admittedly sort of average ass.

  What the hell had my life become?!

  I felt an overwhelming surge of excitement, appreciation, and fear. Because whenever things in life got this good, a downhill period was destined to follow. It was just the way the world worked.

  “Are you jealous, Billy?” I asked after a moment, because even if in the book world, reverse harems went off without a hitch and all the men just didn't give two fucks about sharing their woman with other dudes … this was real life. And in real life, people had feelings and they did weird things, and they made mistakes.

  And that was okay.

  Because loving someone who was perfect was easy; loving someone flawed was worthwhile.

  “You are, aren't you?” I asked as he kept browsing the books and shrugged his sexy, leather clad shoulders. “Of Dustin … or Warden?”

  “Didn't realize it was an either/or question,” he said gruffly, looking so gorgeous with his charcoal hair and angry scowl that I wanted to jump his bones right then and there, throw him against an entire shelf of romantic space opera novels and ride his dick.

  But then … the sewer rave. And COCS and CUM … and if I got cum on the books, I bet the pixie would be a lot more pissed off than she was about the ice cream, and I'd have to buy those, too.

  “So, are we doing it?” Reg asked, popping out from behind the display for a coming soon book called Dark Glitter. It looked good too, with an eye-catching cover of a skull with butterfly wings. Based on the blurb which was blown up on the billboard, it was about fae bikers in the Louisiana Bayou. Sweet. Mental note: pre-order that baby when I get my Kindle back.

  “Doing … what?” I clarified, my mind still stuck on the mental image of riding Billy's flame thrower against the alien bookshelf.

  “Going to the sewer rave,” Reg reminded me and I nodded slowly.

  “Sewer rave. Right. With all the COCS and CUM in tunnels …” I squinted at him, daring him not to laugh at that.

  “Fucking hell, ST, you're grubbier than I am sometimes,” he tsked, shaking his head, but sliding his hand over my ass to give it a squeeze.

  “Hah, like that's possible,” I snickered, but quietly wondered if maybe I was. These damn nymphos were messing with my libido in a big way, and I just couldn't seem to get enough of their magical plungers down my drains. Maybe if I went through with this whole wedding farce, and got my guys off the hook for three million—gulp—dollars, they might reward me with a full orgy. A seven-way. Fuck, how would that even work?

  Wow, Ari. New low reached. You're really thinking getting hitched to six dudes is worthwhile if you get a good fucking out of it?!

  “Hello? Earth to Sugar Tits,” Reg waved a hand in front of my face, “you spaced out for a moment there. What were you thinking about?”

  “Um.” How many dicks are too many to take at once? “Comics?”

  “Comics,” Reg repeated, narrowing his eyes at me suspiciously. “Really?”

  “Uh-huh, George was going to recommend some to me.” I turned to look at George, who raised an eyebrow at my weird behavior. “Comic time?”

  “Sure thing, Blossom.” He smiled, holding out his hand for me to take. “Right this way.”

  As he led me through the massive bookstore in search of the comic book section, he pulled me into his side and wrapped an arm around my waist.

  “You were thinking dirty things about all of us again, weren't you, Blossom?” he chuckled, having seen right through my lame subject change. “It's okay if you were. All I’ve been able to think about all afternoon was the sight of you in those fox printed bra and panties, sitting on the bed between Dustin and Warden.” He pulled me into the historical romance section, and boxed me against the shelves with an arm on either side of me. “Then the sounds of you coming … over and over … I've been hard for hours, and it doesn't seem to be letting up.” The evidence of this was trapped between us, and my breath caught.

  “George,” I groaned, “this is supposed to be a proper date. Like, with no public sex or demented zombies or psychotic bio parents trying to kill us.”

  “I know, Blossom. It's actually pretty fun too, you know? Like we're a normal couple, er, group.” He sighed. “I just want to make it clear how badly I want you. These other assholes are so sexually forward and aggressive, I just don't want you thinking I'm any less into you.”

  “Oh, hon.” I ran my palm up the front of his jeans, gripping his tree trunk through the thick fabric. “There is no mistaking how much you want me.”

  “Good,” he huffed with a smile. “So comics? And then a sewer rave where we may or may not end up in yet another fight for our lives?”

  “Sounds perfect.” I kissed him lightly on the lips and gave his woody a little squeeze, “Maybe if we're really lucky we can land ourselves in trouble with another supernatural council?”

  “Be careful what you wish for, Blossom,” George warned me, picking up a book from the shelf behind me. “Do you ever read any highlander romance novels?”

  “Ew, no. They all use words like slippery, hairy crevasse, and have dubious consent during sex scenes. Blah, no thank you.” I wrinkled my nose at the doorstop of a book he had picked up. “Quite happy with my pick of the day, thank you.” I showed him my Pack Ebon Red paperback and he nodded approvingly.

  “I've read that author under her pen name, Violet Blaze. She writes hot stuff. Maybe we can read it together some time? Naked?” He grinned at me like a happy puppy and I couldn't help but laugh in response. It actually sounded like heaven.

  It's such a shame though, that what goes up must come down, right?

  We'd been right in our guess that some of the elementals in the sewer rave were Daniel and his harem of moms. After the bookstore, we'd made our way into the party us
ing Billy's impeccable skills of flirtation with the door troll, who was luckily female (and straight).

  Not that it would've thrown too much of a wrench in the works if it'd been a dude. My husbands had made it clear they had no qualms in flirting with the same sex.

  “Oh wow,” I gulped, my eyes glued to the scene below us like it was a car crash or something. Like, it was horrible, awful, traumatizing, but I just couldn't look away.

  “Don't look, darlin',” Shane suggested, stepping in front of my line of vision and pulling me to his chest. “No one needs to see that.”

  “I feel like I need eye bleach,” Reg muttered from beside us, still staring down at the scene below with horrified fascination on his face. “I'm never getting this image out of my brain, am I?”

  “Not likely,” Billy snickered, cringing suddenly at something new and surprising that must've happened.

  “Oh, come on you guys,” George scolded us. “You have to admire the confidence it takes to do something like that.”

  Below us, Daniel was dressed in women's lingerie with no padding, so the bra cups hung limp against his chest while he twerked up on one of his wives who was dressed as one of the Village People. Actually, all of his wives looked like they were dressed as Village People—including one wearing a full Native American headdress, which surely wasn't considered politically correct in this day and age?

  “It's not even the outfits that I find most offensive,” I whispered, unable to help myself from looking again, “it's the twerking!”

  “I'm with you on that one, sugar,” Shane grimaced. “Do you think that's what they look like when they're doin' it?”

  “Oh, come on!” Reg groaned. “Too far, Skeeter. Too damn far.”

  “I think I just vomited a little in my mouth,” Billy muttered, turning away from the grizzly scene below us.

  “Okay, what's our plan here?” I asked them, and they all blinked back at me a little dumbstruck.

  “Well, sug, I just sorta thought we were wingin' this thing?” Shane said, running his fingers over his dark hair. He grinned at me and it was all good ol' boy, totally and completely charming.