Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘It’ll be our little secret,’ Auntie Beth said, offering a strained smile and tapping her nose with her index finger.

  Hannah was surprised to see that according to the kitchen clock it was nearly ten o’clock. She’d spent a lot of the hours of darkness lying in bed staring into the night, thinking of Tristan and her parents, missing them, remembering them, trying not to think about them, and trying to banish the images she’d seen on the television. Several times Sam had rolled over and held her and they’d cried together. Her eyes and cheeks still felt red raw and burnt.

  ‘Bathroom’s free if you want it,’ Sam said, wandering into the kitchen. ‘Oh, hello Auntie Beth,’ she said.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind me taking over breakfast duties.’

  ‘Not at all. I’m a little relieved to be honest. I’ve become quite good at toast soldiers, but I still sometimes fail at bacon. So, you’ve saved my bacon. Pun intended,’ she said, smiling warmly at Auntie Beth. ‘Hann, Rob sends his love. He rang while I was getting dressed. He’s on his way over.’

  ‘Well, there’s plenty of food,’ Auntie Beth said.

  ‘Thanks, but I think they’ll have already eaten.’

  Hannah was surprised to find herself unable to resist the lure of bacon and eggs on toast, and immediately tucked into the plateful put in front of her. Perhaps if she could focus on that she might not be so sad for a few minutes.

  ‘Can I help you do anything today, Hannah?’ Auntie Beth asked during the meal.

  ‘Oh, I hadn’t even given today any thought at all. But I really don’t think I want to be alone. Sam, you can go to the sales. I’m sure Auntie Beth can keep me company.’

  ‘Hann, the last thing I’m interested in is going shopping. I’ll do whatever you want me to. I can help with anything or just keep you company. Whatever you want.’

  The last few Boxing Days Tristan and Rob had spent playing golf with Sam off with the kids shopping for bargain clothes and shoes. Once it had been Sam and Hannah shopping together till they dropped, but that had changed when the twins came along. Now Hannah tended to watch the start of the Sydney to Hobart yacht race on TV with her parents, often joined by Beth. But of course everything now was far from usual. Sitting quietly watching TV might be okay, but could she bear the reminder of who wasn’t there beside her? Could she bear to sit still and have the quietness plagued with all the awful thoughts constantly churning through her brain? But she couldn’t think of what else to do and wasn’t sure she’d have any energy to do anything anyway.

  ‘Darling, how about we just take it one minute at a time and see how we go?’ Beth said. ‘Okay?’

  Hannah nodded. It was a relief to have someone else doing the thinking for her. She was having enough trouble remembering to breathe and trying not to cry. Every damn thing was a reminder of what was different or missing. Her coffee hadn’t even tasted the same as yesterday morning when Tristan had made it, despite coming out of the same machine in the same way.

  They finished breakfast and packed up the dishwasher, then went through to the lounge room with mugs of coffee. The longer Hannah stared at the Christmas tree, the more she itched to take it down and remove the reminder of the festive season. She didn’t care if it was the wrong thing to do. She hated Christmas and wanted all trace of it removed from her house. Now.

  She got up and retrieved the box for the decorations from the sideboard and began removing each ornament and strand of tinsel. Beth and Sam silently joined her and then Sam disappeared and returned with the step stool from behind the kitchen door. Before long the artificial tree was almost bare.

  ‘Where’s the box for the tree?’ Sam asked.

  ‘In the wardrobe in the study.’

  Slowly the tree was taken apart and carefully packed into the box, and then Sam put it away in the wardrobe. Hannah briefly considered telling Sam to take it out to the rubbish bin instead, but didn’t want to appear unhinged and behaving irrationally. It was certainly what she felt like doing.

  ‘Can you get the boxes marked “Christmas lights” and a couple of pairs of pliers from the garage, please, Sammy?’

  ‘Sure,’ she said, and disappeared.

  Auntie Beth silently followed her outside, where she stood surveying the display of Christmas lights that Tristan had put up across the front of the house. Hannah was pretending to look at where to start taking them down, but instead she was trying to swallow back the tears and breathe through the painful thudding of her shattered heart.

  They beavered away, carefully snipping all the cable ties and releasing the strands of lights. Before long they had reached the point where they would need a ladder to keep going. Sam silently fetched it and the three of them stood around it, no one willing to go any further.

  They turned as one at hearing a male voice. ‘Can I be of some assistance?’ Rob was striding up the path.

  ‘Yes, please,’ Hannah said, handing over her pliers. She let out a sigh of relief not just because she wouldn’t have to climb the ladder, but since Sam had said Rob was on his way she’d been bracing herself for the hurricane-like arrival of the twins. She adored them, but wasn’t sure she could cope with their energy this morning. Thankfully Rob was alone.

  ‘Perfect timing, as usual, darling,’ Sam said, giving her husband a quick peck. ‘Where are the boys?’

  ‘I left them with Joan across the road. I figured the last thing Hann needed was those two tearaways in her face, especially if she hasn’t slept,’ he said, hugging Hannah. ‘It’s okay, we know you love them.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Hannah said.

  It didn’t take Rob long to finish and for all signs of Tristan’s handiwork to be removed from the house and packed away out of sight in the garage. Again Hannah wanted to ask them to throw the lights away and remove all traces of Christmas, but again stopped herself.

  *

  They were drinking coffee in the kitchen – Hannah staring at the digital clock on the oven and barely aware of what she was doing – when the doorbell rang.

  ‘Shall I answer it, since I’m nearest?’ Auntie Beth said, getting up. ‘I imagine that’s going to be ringing a lot in the coming days.’

  Chapter Seven

  ‘Thank you, and we’re so sorry for your loss too. I know Daniel and Daphne were very dear friends for many years. They’ll leave a big void.’

  Hannah recognised the voice at once, but was a little confused. It couldn’t be. Could it? She rushed out of the kitchen to see, her eyes already brimming.

  ‘Oh, Hannah,’ Tristan’s parents, Raelene and Adrian, cried as they gathered her into a three-way hug.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Hannah said, melting into them. They stayed fused together, crying almost silently.

  Slowly they peeled apart and made their way into the kitchen where Rob and Sam and Auntie Beth were standing waiting for them. Beth filled the kettle again while Rob and Sam in turn hugged Raelene and Adrian and offered their condolences. Hannah stood back, feeling a surge of gratitude and relief so great that she thought a few pieces of her shattered heart may have joined back together. She felt a huge weight had lifted off her shoulders with them walking through the door. They were loving, methodical, capable people, not that Rob, Sam and Auntie Beth weren’t, but Hannah saw the slightest glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel with regards to the arrangements in particular.

  For a start, with Raelene and Adrian here she was definitely released from the burden of identifying Tristan, something that had been worrying her much more than she’d realised. She knew it was selfish and weak, but she really didn’t want to remember her dear, sweet husband as being in whatever state he was. When she could think fondly of him again without being consumed by grief and sadness – and she desperately hoped one day she would – she wanted to draw on memories of places they’d been, things they’d done together and picture him in his prime as he was, not a broken, lacerated, roughly sewn back together body.

  Sam and Rob knew Hannah inside out, Beth, having
lost her husband, knew about grief, but Raelene and Adrian had been through almost exactly this before. Did that make it harder or easier? Would they feel more comfortable or more heartbroken in knowing what to expect? Did going through more than one experience of a traumatic death in the family ease the grief or compound it? Hannah had always got along well with Tristan’s parents, but right then her renewed respect for them and all they’d been through settled inside her as a second sharp pain to her heart. Bless them. They were so calm, so composed. Hannah felt hugely comforted having them here. They’d know the questions to answer, the order things went in, what was expected of Hannah by whom and when.

  ‘And how are your gorgeous little boys?’ Raelene asked.

  ‘Growing like mushrooms and causing havoc,’ Sam said. ‘Speaking of which, we’d better go and pick them up and leave you to catch up with Hannah.’

  ‘Yes. Joan will be wondering where I’ve got to,’ Rob said.

  Hannah knew they were simply making a polite exit, and was grateful. She was starting to feel a little crowded and desperately wanted to welcome her parents-in-law at her own pace.

  Hannah’s best friend and her husband hugged her warmly.

  ‘Thanks so much for your help,’ she said.

  ‘We’ll see ourselves out. Call if you need anything,’ Sam said.

  ‘Yes, anything, Hann,’ Rob reiterated.

  ‘Thanks. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘We’ll call or see you soon. Take care,’ Sam said.

  ‘You must be exhausted,’ Beth said to Raelene and Adrian. ‘Can I get you a tea or coffee? Or perhaps something to eat?’

  ‘Tea would be great, thanks,’ Raelene said.

  ‘Hannah?’

  ‘Tea, please.’

  ‘I’ll make a pot, then. You go through to the lounge and catch up properly, I’ll be in in a minute.’

  ‘Thanks, Auntie Beth, you’re too good to me. There’s a tea pot in the left-hand cupboard under the bench.’ Thank goodness for you keeping up the social etiquette and keeping me organised, Hannah thought as she led the way through to the lounge room.

  ‘You’ve no idea how good it is to see you. I really appreciate you getting here so quickly,’ Hannah said.

  ‘It’s the least we could do. It’s a terrible time.’

  ‘How did you get here so quickly? Even driving all night you couldn’t have … And, anyway, there’s the …’

  ‘We flew. After we got off the phone we realised it was much more sensible to leave the van where it was and fly over. We drove to Launceston last night and got an early flight out this morning,’ Adrian explained.

  ‘So, honestly, how are you doing?’ Raelene asked.

  ‘I really don’t know. I feel just so sad and empty. And the tears won’t stop,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how you did it,’ she sniffed as she pulled a wad of fresh tissues from the box still on the coffee table.

  ‘It does get easier,’ Adrian said kindly.

  ‘With time,’ Raelene said, tugging a handkerchief from her sleeve as her own tears began to fall again.

  ‘It’s not an easy road by any means,’ Adrian agreed, gripping his wife’s hand briefly then pulling a neatly folded, ironed handkerchief out of his trouser pocket and dabbing at his eyes.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Hannah said, feeling the need to say something, but not sure what.

  ‘But at least we’ve had each other.’ The words ‘you’ve lost your entire family’ hung unspoken in the air.

  ‘I don’t know how I’ll survive without him. I loved him so much. We were so happy,’ Hannah sobbed.

  ‘We know. But you will survive. It probably won’t feel like it for a very long time, but you will get through this. You’re a strong young woman, Hannah, just you remember that,’ Raelene said.

  Hannah was relieved that Beth’s arrival meant she didn’t have to reply. Strong was the last thing she felt. And she really didn’t feel she could go on without Tristan by her side. They’d had so many plans.

  ‘Aren’t you having one, Auntie Beth?’ Hannah asked when she realised Beth had only brought in three cups on the tray with the teapot and plate of sliced fruit cake.

  ‘No, I’ll leave you to catch up.’

  ‘Please don’t feel you have to go,’ Hannah said.

  ‘It’s fine, I’m sure you have plenty of arrangements to discuss. Just please let me know if I can do anything to help – flowers, food, anything. And the offer still stands, Hannah, if you’d like me to go to the morgue on your behalf, or with you, you only have to ask. I’ll see you soon. Raelene and Adrian, please accept my sincere condolences again.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Raelene said.

  ‘Yes. Thank you. It’s good to see you. If only it were under better circumstances,’ Adrian said.

  Hannah eased herself to her feet and followed Beth out. ‘You’re the best, Auntie Beth. Thank you for everything,’ she said as she tightly hugged the old lady.

  ‘Well, promise me you won’t be shy if you think of anything at all I can do for you,’ Beth said, smiling sadly at Hannah.

  ‘I promise. You’re amazing,’ Hannah said, giving her dear old friend another quick hug.

  ‘Nonsense, but thank you, dear. You take good care. I’ll be in touch.’

  ‘Bless her,’ Hannah said as she went back into the lounge room.

  ‘Yes, she certainly is a brick. And when she must be hurting so much too,’ Raelene added.

  ‘So, where are your suitcases?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘In the car,’ Adrian said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Oh. Well, we don’t want to impose. We’re fine in a motel. You have enough on your plate without dealing with guests,’ Raelene said.

  ‘You’re very welcome to stay here. Please. I’d really like it if you would, actually. But it’s entirely up to you. If you’d prefer your own space …’

  ‘All right, if you’re absolutely sure. Thank you, that’s very generous. Just until after the funeral,’ Adrian said.

  ‘And if we get in your way, you have to tell us. This is the time for you to take care of your own needs first, dear,’ Raelene said kindly.

  ‘Is this the card for the policemen who were here?’ Adrian said, picking up the business card.

  ‘Yes. I’ll have to call them because I can’t remember what they said about the, um, the um, bodies – if they or the coroner will let me know or if I have to call the coroner or the police,’ Hannah said, becoming flustered. She rubbed her forehead. Please, no more tears. But they kept coming and again she was trying to stem the flow with a sodden, useless ball of tissues.

  ‘Why don’t I go and call them now and see where things stand?’ Adrian asked.

  ‘Oh, would you? That would be a huge weight off me. I can’t remember much at all of what they said yesterday.’

  ‘That’s entirely understandable. You don’t need to worry about anything. We’ll work through all these things bit by bit together.’

  ‘Thank you. You’ve no idea what a relief it is to have you here,’ Hannah said, sniffling. ‘Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise. And, I’m afraid you might be like this for quite a while yet,’ Raelene said. ‘But it’s good for you to let them out.’

  ‘Do you feel up to discussing a few things while there’s no one else here?’

  ‘Yes, good idea, Adrian. Hannah, if your experience is anything like ours when we lost Scott,’ Raelene explained, ‘you’ll soon be inundated with visitors dropping in to offer their condolences and deliver food. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t already. Perhaps that’s because of it being Christmas. Anyway, it would be good to sort a few details out now while we have the chance. Or perhaps later,’ she added, as the doorbell rang.

  Chapter Eight

  Hannah stared out the window of Raelene and Adrian’s hire car and looked back at the house. It was the first time she had left it since her world had been turned upside down. And she didn’t want to
. While she was in there, she felt safe. Miserable, but safe. Now she felt terrified, like going to the dentist. No, she knew what to expect at her dentist’s – this was more like when she was a teenager and had gone to meet the headmistress of the private girls only high school before she started there. She shook the thought aside – this had no comparison. And what was the point of thinking like that anyway?

  She wished Beth or Sam were sitting beside her – she badly needed someone’s hand to hold. But they had both declined, saying ever so gently while they each held one of her hands that what she was about to do couldn’t be delegated. Only she and Raelene and Adrian could take care of the funeral arrangements.

  ‘Sweetheart, one day you’ll understand,’ Beth said, clearly wretched that she couldn’t take this pain away.

  The only sound inside the car came from the GPS unit Adrian had programmed and attached to the windscreen. Hannah was grateful no one was talking, trying to make anyone feel better with useless chatter. Perhaps she was already realising that it was right for just the three of them to do this. She concentrated on taking deep breaths and listening to the sounds of cars whizzing by.

  At the end of the street, her heart began to race. God, we don’t have to go near the crash scene, do we? She couldn’t bear that. She couldn’t bear any of this, but that would completely do her in. Adrian had contacted the funeral home to make the appointment. It was the same firm they’d used for Scott – apparently it had branches right across the country. Hannah didn’t know where their office was located or where she was going. She didn’t care. She released her breath when they turned to go in the opposite direction to her parents’ retirement village.

  A couple was having wedding photos taken in the park. They seemed to be laughing and playing up for the camera. Having fun. They think they have a lifetime to spend together, she thought sadly. I hope you will have many years of happiness. When they were out of sight Hannah realised that she was sobbing. She’d seemed to barely feel the tears on her numb red-raw face anymore. She’d grown used to having red, puffy eyes and now dabbed at them out of habit. She’d stopped looking at herself in the mirror. She didn’t even care how she looked. Her hair would be a tangled mess and she’d be in track pants and be braless under an oversized t-shirt right now if Sam and Beth hadn’t intervened. Bless Raelene and Adrian, they hadn’t had the heart to comment on her attire when she’d appeared in the kitchen.