Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Thanks, Sam.’

  ‘I’ll just tell Rob we’ll be a few minutes. He was worried too. Oh, and one thing, don’t mention the absence of the dogs.’

  ‘Shit, has something happened to them?’

  ‘No, I just wasn’t keen on spending the day dealing with two yappy dogs and constantly telling them they’re not allowed to run riot while keeping two small boys from drowning at the same time. It’s too much.’

  ‘But you’ve got Rob.’

  ‘You know what men are like – useless at multi-tasking. And a hundred times worse at the beach – they only have to get distracted by the first nice set of silicon sitting in a bikini top and everything goes pear shaped,’ Sam said, joking. ‘Anyway, we’ve had tears – thankfully not from me for once, though, nearly – the dogs are at home, and we have two slightly unhappy four-year-olds. So, please, just don’t mention the dogs.’

  ‘Got it.’

  A few minutes later Hannah pulled the front door closed and got a shock as a blast of warm air hit her face.

  ‘Happy New Year,’ Rob said as he got out of the car to give her a hug.

  ‘Thanks, you too. I didn’t realise it was going to be so hot today.’

  ‘The air-con’s on full blast. Here, you sit in the front,’ Sam said, opening the back door.

  ‘Come on,’ Hannah said, ‘you hate the back.’

  ‘I know, but …’

  ‘It’s fine. Really. I don’t mind at all.’

  She squeezed into the back of the car beside Ethan, thankful the twins insisted on being seated right next to each other and she was prevented from having to clamber over one to get to the middle.

  ‘Hi guys,’ Hannah said.

  ‘We’re so glad you’re coming!’ Oliver said.

  ‘Yes, goody, goody gumdrops,’ Ethan said, clapping his hands.

  ‘Thanks very much for the invite. Happy New Year. Are you excited about going to the beach?’ she asked the boys.

  ‘Well it won’t be as fun without Oofy and Inky,’ Oliver said, pouting.

  ‘Oh. Well it will be very hot and there will be lots of people – you don’t want them burning their feet or getting trampled. It’s best they stay home where it’s cool,’ Hannah said.

  ‘I suppose. And we might have to walk a long way if we can’t find a close park. Mum says we all have to ask the parking angels really nicely,’ Oliver said.

  ‘Yes. She says it’s all about positive blinking,’ Ethan said.

  ‘Okay. Got it. Positive blinking,’ Hannah said, smiling. Perhaps this was just the tonic she needed, she thought as she snapped her seatbelt into place.

  ‘So, how are the New Year resolutions holding up?’ Hannah asked when they were on their way.

  ‘Oh, I completely forgot this year,’ Sam said.

  ‘What’s a New Year’s resolution?’ Oliver asked.

  ‘Sort of like making a wish for the coming year,’ Sam said.

  ‘Oh. Then I wish for Uncle Tris and Granny Daph and Grandad Dan to come back,’ Oliver said.

  ‘Me too,’ said Ethan.

  Hannah’s heart lurched.

  ‘Thanks, boys. That’s lovely. But you know they can’t come back, don’t you?’ she said.

  ‘They’re dead. But Mum says if you want something bad enough you can make it happen. What is it, Mum, bill power?’

  ‘Will power. And remember we talked about this?’ Sam said to her sons. ‘Some wishes can’t come true, no matter how much you want them to. Uncle Tristan and Granny Daph and Grandad Dan can’t come back, sweeties.’

  ‘But that’s not fair,’ Oliver said.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ Ethan said. Both boys folded their arms across their chests.

  Oh, God, let me out now. Hannah stared out the window holding back the tears until she felt something touch her. She glanced over to find Oliver looking earnestly up at her with his big brown innocent eyes, his hand reaching for hers.

  ‘You can help us make sandcastles if you want. Building sandcastles won’t make everything better, but it’ll be fun,’ Oliver said.

  ‘It might stop you feeling sad for a little while,’ Ethan said sagely from his place by the window.

  ‘That would be lovely,’ Hannah said as her heart lurched painfully again. ‘Though I don’t think I’m anywhere near as good at it or as clever as your mother.’

  ‘That’s okay. We don’t mind,’ Oliver said.

  ‘No, it’ll still be fun,’ said Ethan.

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘I’m really sorry about the boys back there in the car. They don’t understand,’ Sam said, putting her arm around Hannah. They trailed along behind Rob, who was trying to keep up with the boys who’d rushed ahead. They’d managed to easily find a great parking spot. Now, thrilled by their success, the boys were off blinking furiously in the hope of securing a good place on the crowded beach to build sandcastles. Thankfully they both had sunglasses on, so they didn’t look as silly or crazy as they might have.

  ‘I know. It’s okay,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s sweet that they thought so highly of them and miss them so much.’

  ‘We all do. It’s left a huge gap in all of our lives. Poor Rob’s putting on a brave front in public – being manly and all – but he’s a wreck, like the rest of us.’

  ‘Speaking of being a wreck. I tried to go through Tris’s things.’

  ‘Oh, sweetie. It’s way too early to even think about doing that.’

  ‘It was horrible. I felt torn apart all over again.’

  ‘Of course you would. So why did you do it?’

  ‘I couldn’t sleep. And I just thought getting it done would …’

  ‘Sweetie, I don’t think grief is something you can simply organise your way out of,’ Sam said. ‘It doesn’t work like that.’

  ‘I just want it to stop. I want to feel better.’

  ‘I know you do. And I so badly wish I could help. Maybe you should think about seeing someone – a professional.’

  ‘Maybe. But there wouldn’t be much point at the moment, when all I do is cry. That would be a waste, wouldn’t it?’ she said, smiling weakly at Sam.

  ‘Well, you can talk to me whenever you want,’ Sam said, smiling sadly back before pulling Hannah tighter to her. They walked on in thoughtful silence for a few paces.

  ‘How was last night?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘Nice and sedate. You were missed, but everyone understood.’

  ‘How’s this?’ Rob called, looking around.

  ‘Perfect. Well done,’ Sam said, dumping her armful of towels and starting to unfold them. Rob put up the first of two sunshade dome tents.

  ‘One for us and one for them,’ he explained to Hannah’s slightly confused expression.

  ‘There’ll be no getting fried on my watch. Hann, you’ll be in the boys’ tent for sandcastle supervision,’ Sam said lightly. ‘But don’t forget, nothing’s compulsory. You can say no to them any time you like and ignore their cute little pleading faces.’

  Hannah smiled faintly in reply.

  ‘Here, I brought a book for you if you fancy reading,’ Sam said, reaching into her bag and handing Hannah a battered paperback.

  ‘Thanks. I can’t remember the last time I read a book.’

  ‘These days I tend to only read when we all come to the beach and Rob can watch the kids,’ Sam said. ‘But I think I’m going to doodle today instead,’ she added, taking out a small sketchbook.

  ‘Are the creative juices finally starting to flow again?’

  ‘Kind of. Not really. It’s more an annoying drip, like a tap with a bung washer,’ she said with a laugh.

  ‘Oh, Sammy, that’s great. Good for you.’

  ‘Well, don’t go getting too excited. It’s just scribbling at the beach.’

  ‘Yes, but you’ve got to start somewhere.’ Hannah was pleased for her friend who didn’t believe enough in her enormous talent. As far as Hannah knew, Sam hadn’t worked on anything major since having the boys.

  When
Hannah and Sam had finished university, Sam had achieved so much – honours in fine art and great marks. She had fierce determination, plenty of talent and a lot of passion. But she had never pursued art as a career. The need to earn money had gradually pushed her dreams out of sight. Hannah thought Sam had forgotten what she’d yearned for all those years ago. Even Rob’s encouragement hadn’t done enough to reignite her interest. She did a little dabbling occasionally, but that seemed to be all these days.

  Hannah had often wished she had some creative talent. She’d done a general arts degree and chosen subjects because they interested her – sociology, psychology, history, communications, gender studies. While she’d got so much from her course, she hadn’t found anything she wanted to study in enough depth to try to turn it into a career. Being a romantic at heart she’d loved to have set herself up in a gorgeous studio at the back of the garden and toiled away. Instead she encouraged Sam, who usually laughed or simply shrugged her words away. Sam’s lack of confidence in her abilities really bothered Hannah, but until her friend could learn to believe in herself there was nothing she could do.

  ‘We have plenty of time,’ Sam said to the boys. ‘Why don’t you guys have a swim before it gets too hot, then you can build a sandcastle. Mum wants to talk quietly with Auntie Hannah for a bit.’

  ‘Okay,’ both boys said.

  ‘But not without sunscreen,’ Sam said, diving into the large floral beach bag beside her.

  The boys sat dutifully while Sam and Hannah rubbed sunscreen down the parts of their arms and legs not covered by their UV tops and shorts.

  As she tended to Oliver, Hannah thought how nice it was to feel useful. But then her thoughts turned to how she wished it was her own little boy she was taking care of. And to have Tristan beside her. She closed her eyes briefly and willed the tears behind her sunglasses to stop and thankfully they did.

  ‘Actually, I’m going to go in for a dip. Want to join me?’ Sam asked when the boys had been released and were bounding down to the water’s edge with their floaties.

  ‘I’m game if you are.’

  ‘Rob, darling, can you keep an eye on everything here? We’re going to have a swim.’

  ‘Huh? Yep, of course,’ he said, without taking his eyes off the two boys.

  The girls peeled off their tops and shorts and proceeded to slather on sunscreen.

  Despite complaining about the warm breeze brushing the beach, Sam sucked in her breath sharply when the water touched her toes.

  ‘No wonder the boys squealed,’ she said. ‘Brrr, too cold for me. I’m heading back.’

  ‘Mummy’s a chicken,’ called Ethan. The boys were sitting nearby on their inflatable rings with small waves lapping at them.

  ‘Yes, she is,’ Sam called.

  ‘Come on, Auntie Hann,’ Oliver said. She wasn’t finding the water too cold, but she was treading carefully in case of creepy crawlies. Even strips of seaweed touching her legs startled her. Inch by inch she made it to her knees, then her thighs. The boys got up, pulled their inflated rings up over their bottoms and followed her. Now waist-deep she sank down to coat herself up to her neck. What was Sam on about, the water was fine?

  She longed to go out of her depth, lie back and float away. But she couldn’t put the boys in danger. And they had no sense of fear. They’d just follow her out, no matter how far she went. Hannah headed back towards the beach, sat down in the shallow water and let the tiny waves lap at her while she watched the twins.

  It felt good, though she longed to swim, really swim, like those out there making their way back and forth across the horizon. Sitting here surrounded by people, she could almost believe everything was normal. Well, everything was normal, it was just a different, horrible sort of normal.

  Suddenly she had the thought that if she were free to swim, she might just keep going until she got tired and the sea claimed her. The thought was both calming and terrifying. Jesus, where did that come from? She ached with a sadness that went to the depths of her soul, but she didn’t think she was depressed, well, not that sort of depressed. She couldn’t start thinking like that. Her parents and Tristan would be so disappointed in her having such negative thoughts. But, they’re not here, are they?

  She sensed movement close by and looked around to see the twins settling themselves back on their tubes beside her. Her heart lurched painfully. She wished it would stop doing that – it hurt. No matter how she felt, she couldn’t put the dear little boys through more heartache. They were already clearly affected if their wish for the year was to have their Uncle Tristan and Granny Daph and Grandad Dan back. She’d often thought they were both quite old souls and seeing them sitting quietly beside her, keeping her company when they should have been busy being raucous little boys, splashing and squealing, confirmed it. And made her sad. The world was a cruel place. And it was a pity they had to learn that at such a young age. She’d at least got to thirty-one without any major trauma in her life. But perhaps that meant she wasn’t equipped to deal with it. Perhaps if she’d suffered more hardship along the way, like having a cruel mother who bullied – like Sam did – she’d be tougher and coping better now.

  She felt the boys leaning into her.

  ‘I love you, Auntie Hann,’ Oliver said, looking up at her with big, wide eyes.

  ‘Thanks, sweetie. I love you both too – oh so much,’ she said, swallowing back the lump forming in her throat as she put an arm around each twin and squeezed them to her.

  ‘Would you like to make a sandcastle with us now?’ Ethan asked a few moments later.

  ‘Don’t you want to swim some more?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘No, thank you,’ Oliver said.

  ‘Okay. Come on then,’ Hannah said, getting up and holding out her hands to the boys.

  Hannah settled herself in the dome tent as the boys proceeded to tell her they wanted to build a sand turtle and instructed her to start filling the small buckets with sand and to help build up the mound they would need. Hannah did as she was told and then watched while the boys worked diligently, helping how and when instructed. Doing something but not really having to concentrate was quite relaxing, mesmerising even, especially when it came to laying shells on the mound to resemble the turtle’s lumpy skin. She was surprised and a little disappointed when the boys sat back and declared their creation finished and demanded their parents come and inspect their handiwork. After basking in Sam and Rob’s praise for a few moments, they promptly lay down and fell asleep, curled around their turtle.

  Hannah eased herself out of the dome and reclaimed her chair. She peered over at Sam’s lap where a sketch of the scene stretching out before them was taking shape in charcoal.

  ‘That’s amazing,’ she said.

  ‘It’s only rough. But I’m enjoying it, and that’s the main thing, right?’

  ‘So, you survived the turtle building?’ Rob said, looking up from the paper. ‘Thanks for indulging them. It means a lot.’

  ‘You don’t have to thank me. I really enjoyed it.’

  ‘A much less stressful affair than the last time we came to the beach when there were two small dogs jumping on everything and digging up the sand everywhere,’ Rob said. ‘It was chaos, I can tell you.’

  ‘I can imagine. Anything interesting in the paper, Rob?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Can I have the real-estate section when you’ve finished?’

  ‘There isn’t one. It’s only Friday, remember?’ he said.

  ‘Oh. Oops. So it is.’

  ‘Not thinking of selling up are you?’ Sam said.

  ‘Just curious. Anyway, isn’t real estate ogling practically compulsory on weekends, being Melbournians?’ she added with a laugh and picked up the novel Sam had lent her.

  ‘Just don’t do anything rash,’ Sam warned.

  ‘I love the house, I always have, but, god, I hate being there on my own,’ Hannah said with a sigh, and was shocked to realise she’d actually uttered
the words aloud.

  ‘If you want to come and stay with us or have one of us stay,’ Rob said, ‘you only have to say.’

  ‘Thanks, but I think I really have to start getting used to things being different.’

  ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘How about getting a dog or two for company?’ Sam said.

  ‘No, I’m not …’

  ‘Yes, okay, you’re not willing to pick up poo in public. I remember,’ Sam said, smiling. Hannah had never had pets when she was growing up and didn’t even like the idea of them. Tristan had mentioned it a couple of times, but she’d shut him down with the same arguments her mother had made to her as a child: I don’t want the garden dug up, hair everywhere, having to walk it come rain, hail, or shine, bath it, et cetera. And these days there was the whole picking up poo in public thing. Ugh! Just the thought of it nearly made Hannah gag. She didn’t know how Sam did it day after day, although she’d also dealt with nappies, so perhaps that helped. The truth was, Hannah just wasn’t an animal person. She was barely all right with Sam and Rob’s dogs, which thankfully tended to give her a wide berth.

  ‘They are great company though,’ Sam persisted.

  ‘I might want to travel and then it would be a tie.’ Where the hell did that come from?

  ‘We’d look after it,’ Sam said.

  Rob cleared his throat.

  ‘Oh come on, what’s one more rowdy beast?’ Sam said, scratching away busily with her charcoal.

  ‘I suppose.’

  ‘Where are you planning to go, anyway? Anywhere exciting?’ Sam asked.

  ‘I don’t know. I might start by visiting Raelene and Adrian and see if the bug bites.’

  ‘Hey, what about a boarder? Then they could look after everything if you went away. There’s probably plenty of uni students looking for cheap accommodation. The extra money might be handy, too,’ Sam said.

  ‘I think I’ll be fine.’ Hannah knew she’d be a whole lot better than fine, but she didn’t want to say anything to her friend until the insurance came through. Also, she felt weird about becoming rich as a result of such tragic circumstances.