Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ And just like that she’d been talked into this morning’s visit.

  ‘Wonderful, I’ll see you then,’ he’d said with a beaming smile, handed her his card, and then abruptly but without appearing overly rude he’d turned to talk to another woman who was viewing the property. Hannah was left feeling annoyed at being so easily manipulated but impressed with his deftness. If she were ever to sell her house, he’d probably be the agent to have. She’d put money on him being very successful.

  *

  Hannah was pacing the house, double-checking all was in order as she’d been doing for the past half hour, when the doorbell rang.

  ‘Ah, Hannah. Wonderful to see you. And what a gorgeous house on a very lovely street.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Right, let me see what we’re about,’ he said. ‘Bedrooms, this way?’ he asked, pointing to the hall.

  ‘Um, yes.’

  Sebastian strode through the house in a matter of minutes, opening and closing every built-in cupboard, and walking around the front and back gardens and down each side of the house, with Hannah trailing behind. By the time they returned to the kitchen, Hannah felt as if she’d run around the block.

  ‘Well, Hannah, I think I could get you just over the two million line. I have several buyers looking for a property of this calibre. And of course if we went to auction … Well, anything could happen,’ he said, waving an arm theatrically. Then he rattled off some of the prices houses in the suburb had recently achieved. She was pleased to hear that the property had appreciated significantly since her parents’ generous terms to help them buy it five years ago. Her curiosity had been satisfied, not that she’d take Sebastian’s word on actual numbers. He was just trying to lure her in – it was how agents worked, she decided. Anything could happen, either way, when the time came to sell a property.

  ‘I’d urge you to act quickly,’ Sebastian said. ‘Spring is the perfect time to sell – especially now the weather has got its act together. Oh, and there has been some serious interest on the warehouse you’re looking at. So, what are you thinking?’

  ‘As I said, I was really just being curious. I don’t think I’m ready to make any decisions or take it any further right now.’

  ‘Okay then. You have my details if you change your mind. All the best.’

  Then he shook her hand firmly and abruptly, and left, leaving decidedly cooler air in his wake than when he’d arrived.

  An hour later Hannah was still feeling unsettled from the brief but intense encounter with Sebastian. Her tea sat beside her untouched as she alternated between drumming her fingers and doodling on the pad in front of her as she tried to process what had gone on and how she felt about it. Confused – that was it.

  What had she been thinking organising for an appraisal? She still couldn’t believe she’d been talked into his visit. In her job she was the gatekeeper for Craig, for goodness sake. And a damned good one! She was at ease firmly saying thanks but no thanks. What was it about the city apartment and Sebastian Rowe that had her so discombobulated?

  She looked around. It really was a lovely home. But was it time to move on? Or was it too soon? All change is scary, is that where her concerns lay? Did she need to move house to deal with the pain and to get on with this new stage in her life? Or would it feel like a betrayal to her parents and Tristan? She cursed the shadow of sadness closing in on her. She’d been doing so well recently. God, how she hated this unpredictable, debilitating rollercoaster that was grief.

  No, you’re not dragging me back down. I’m fighting you! Hannah grabbed her keys and hurried out of the house, praying as she went that her dear, wise Auntie Beth would be home to welcome her with open arms and offer some sound advice.

  Thankfully the old lady was on the porch watering her pot plants.

  ‘Darling, I’m so glad to see you,’ Beth said, wrapping her arms around Hannah. ‘I was just finishing this and then I was going to pop over.’

  Hannah felt herself begin to relax as she followed Beth inside and through to the kitchen.

  ‘Sit, sit. Tea?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘So, tell me, is the high tea at The Windsor all it’s cracked up to be?’

  ‘Oh yes, and more. I loved it. In fact, it’s inspired me to put on a lunch for my birthday. I’m doing formal invitations, but keep the date of Saturday third December free. I hope you’ll be able to make it.’

  ‘Are you sure you want an old biddy like me cluttering up the place? Honestly, I won’t be offended if you keep to your age group.’

  ‘Nonsense, don’t be silly, Auntie Beth. I’m inviting those people who’ve helped me so much through this year as a thank you, as well as being my birthday. Just the girls. You’ve been my rock – of course you’re invited!’

  ‘Oh, aren’t you the sweetest? Thank you. It means a lot to this old duck,’ she said, smiling at Hannah. ‘You know, your mum and dad, and Tristan for that matter, would be so proud of you and the way you’re coping,’ Beth said.

  ‘Please don’t, Auntie Beth, you’ll set me off.’

  ‘Right. Well, your high tea sounds wonderful. Count me in. And if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where I am.’

  ‘No, you are off duty for this one.’

  ‘So, other than the high tea, was staying at The Windsor as fabulous as I imagine it to be?’

  ‘Yes, I can certainly see why the rich and famous live in hotels. Oh, to not have to think about meals and cleaning …’

  ‘That’s what I loved most about the cruise, and it’s the only reason I’d voluntarily move into an aged-care facility.’

  ‘Auntie Beth, did you ever consider moving after you lost Uncle Elliott?’

  ‘That was a real-estate agent in the flashy blue car, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Yes.’ You don’t miss much, do you?

  ‘I thought it might have been – he had that look about him – but I didn’t want to pry. And to answer your question – yes.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And, as you can see, I’m still here.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why did I think about it or why didn’t I move?’

  ‘Both. I’ve seen the most gorgeous apartment in the city that I think I can afford and I can’t get it out of my mind. I wasn’t even seriously looking at property.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Well. Do you want to live smack bang in the city?’

  ‘I don’t know, but oh it’s gorgeous …’

  ‘And time is of the essence with these properties, right?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Sweetheart, only you can know what is right for you.’

  ‘But how did you know?’

  ‘I had your mother and father as the voices of reason. They made me see that wanting to move was a response to feeling that my life had completely turned upside down. I was trying to make some sense of it and gather back some control.’

  ‘Do you think that’s what I’m doing?’

  ‘I don’t know, dear, but it might be. Other than being in the same job and having the same friends, your life is nothing like what it was this time last year, and not in a good way. You’re a smart, organised person, so I think it’s entirely natural for you to want to fix things. And right now, selling the house and buying the apartment might seem like the only thing you can fix. And maybe the opportunity to move away from some of the reminders is appealing too.’

  ‘So, what do I do?’

  ‘It’s not for me to say, darling.’

  ‘But if you were me. And you’ve been here before.’

  ‘I’d do nothing.’

  ‘Nothing?’

  ‘Nothing. Just sit tight. I know that’s hard for people like you and me – and I see some similarities between us – but if the apartment is meant to be, it will be there when you’re ready. You could always rent for a while in the city and see if you like it. You might hate being that close to so many people after a few weeks, and the squeak and squea
l of the trams. That would drive me batty.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Then again, you might love it. And maybe there’s an even better city apartment still to come onto the market.’

  ‘It’s really lovely.’

  ‘I’m sure it is. But do you want to deal with packing up everything and moving at the moment? I couldn’t think of anything worse.’

  ‘God, I hadn’t thought of that.’ She remembered Tristan’s clothes in the wardrobe, which she still hadn’t found the strength to go through. She wouldn’t have a choice if she went down this path.

  ‘Tell me if I’m overstepping the mark here, but I think you’ve been through enough without adding moving house to your pile. You do know that along with losing a loved one and divorce, it’s in the top three of life’s most stressful events, don’t you?’

  But maybe moving would be easier after all I’ve been through? Hannah wondered.

  ‘Just because you’ve had a few good days doesn’t mean you’re home and hosed. The grief might come back and leave you feeling like you haven’t got anywhere.’

  Ain’t that the truth?

  ‘Really, dear, now’s not the time to put yourself under more pressure. Focus on having more good days and being kind and gentle with yourself. To be honest, the first anniversary hit me for a complete six and I didn’t have the added complication of Christmas, like you have.’

  Bloody Christmas! I hate it!

  ‘Obviously it’s entirely up to you how you live your life, but for now, why don’t you focus on using the planning of your birthday party as an escape instead. That will be stressful enough.’

  Hannah wanted to scoff and say that she could organise the party with her eyes closed, and couldn’t see how she could possibly stretch the planning out over six weeks, but stayed silent. Maybe Auntie Beth had a point – several, in fact. She took a deep breath and let it out.

  ‘Sorry,’ Beth said, clearly misreading Hannah. ‘I’ve probably said too much and been too bossy, but, Hannah, darling, I care about you so much.’ She gripped both of Hannah’s hands in hers before continuing. ‘You can tell me to butt out, but I know your mum would want me to help guide you like she did me. The truth is I nearly did sell this place – anything to escape the pain and take back some control of my life – but I know now that I would have regretted leaving this wonderful street where everything I need is close at hand or easy to get to, including some of my dearest friends. It’s clearly not sitting quite right with you, either, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation and you wouldn’t be looking so conflicted. So just sit tight for a bit, eh?’

  ‘Hmm. You’re probably right – you usually are,’ Hannah said. She felt a wave of disappointment at saying goodbye to the apartment, but also slight relief at having made the decision.

  ‘Well, I don’t know about that, but I am terribly sensible,’ she said, smiling and clearly trying to lighten the mood.

  ‘I’m so glad you didn’t move, Auntie Beth,’ Hannah said, thinking about the support Beth had given her these past ten or so months.

  ‘Me too, dear,’ Beth said. ‘Now, come on, you haven’t told me what you had for your high tea.’

  ‘I’m taking you for your next birthday. My treat.’

  ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘All right, it’s a date. But in the meantime, I want details – every little crumb of a detail – pun intended – including the rest of your stay.’

  ‘We’re going to need another pot of tea for that, Auntie Beth.’

  Chapter Twenty-six

  On the Tuesday morning the week before her party, Hannah was surprised to see Craig pacing back and forth in his small office when she arrived at work. Something was going on with the partners. They’d had their off-site powwow weeks ago and had retreated into the boardroom for several other meetings. Whatever was going on was a big deal and more confidential than usual. Craig usually trusted her with information that was meant for partners only.

  ‘Good morning,’ she called brightly.

  He turned. ‘Hannah. Good, can you come in, please?’ His voice was practically a bark.

  With slightly raised eyebrows, Hannah did as she was told.

  ‘Sit. Sorry. Please take a seat,’ Craig said more gently, but remained standing.

  ‘What’s going on?’ She tried to sit still, remain calm, but found her hands twisting together in her lap.

  ‘Unfortunately the firm is having to tighten its belt and …’

  A sharp pain gripped Hannah and her heart began to race. Oh, god, no, please don’t take my job away. It might be the only thing keeping me sane. She forced herself to take a slow, deep breath. Getting ahead of things wouldn’t help.

  ‘Oh, god, you’re not …?’

  ‘It’s okay, just let me finish,’ he said, holding up placating hands. ‘Right. So the firm needs people to take their leave and stop accumulating it.’

  Oh, is that all? Hannah relaxed slightly. The partners griped about this every couple of years.

  ‘I’ve told you, you all need to be meaner bosses and stop putting on good coffee and biscuits. Then people will take their leave quick smart.’

  ‘They’re serious this time, Hannah,’ Craig said, sitting down. ‘It’s become too much of a liability for everyone to be comfortable with. And there’s noise starting to be made about long service, not just annual leave.’

  ‘Okay. So you need me to write letters to everyone telling them how much they’ve got and when they need to take it by, or something, right?’

  ‘Yes. The letters need to come from the lead partner, not HR. Here’s all the info you need,’ he said, passing her a folder. ‘We drew names out of a hat to allocate the dates. I’m sorry, I tried to put a case forward for you. The other partners were sympathetic, but they didn’t think it fair for you to be treated differently.’

  She opened the folder and saw her own name staring up at her.

  ‘Oh.’ She looked up at him.

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid you’re first cab off the rank. I’m really sorry. I did try.’

  ‘It’s okay, Craig. Rules are rules. I understand.’ She didn’t want to make him feel any worse than he already did. In fact, one of Hannah’s biggest fears in life was making someone else feel embarrassed or awkward. Poor Craig. Bless him. If he didn’t think her so fragile, he would just have given her the information and she would have got to it.

  As it was, she was beginning to feel decidedly anxious. What was she going to do with herself for six weeks? The thought of taking leave when the office was closed over Christmas had been bad enough. The last thing she needed was to be at a loose end while everyone was Christmas shopping and getting merry. And afterwards, when they’d all returned to work …

  ‘You don’t need to worry about me, Craig. I’ll be fine. I actually thought for a minute I might be losing my job so this isn’t too bad.’ She tried to sound nonchalant but she suspected she might actually look as downcast as she felt.

  ‘Right. Is there anything else or should I get on with this?’ she said, forcing herself back to work-mode. For God’s sake, I’m being ordered to take leave, it’s not something to be upset about! she told herself sternly. Plenty of people don’t even have a job.

  ‘As long as you’re all right.’

  ‘I’m fine, Craig. Really. I’ll give you the letters to sign as soon as possible.’

  Back at her desk, Hannah felt stunned for a moment then gave herself a pep talk. She was being ridiculous and needed to pull herself together.

  She noticed Craig was on the phone so picked up her own. She toyed with dialling Sam – the one person who would understand what she was feeling without her having to spell it out – but didn’t want to distract her from her own work. She was staring blankly at the phone when it started to ring. She felt a huge weight lift as she answered it.

  ‘Hey, Sam, how’s things?’

  ‘Sorry to call you at work. Do you have a m
oment?’

  ‘Yes, it’s fine, go ahead.’

  ‘You’re never going to believe what’s happened.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your friend Jasmine’s friend – you know, the one she was talking about with the stall at the Sunday Arts Centre Market?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ve just got off the phone with her and she has to go away early in the New Year to take care of her mum who’s having an operation. She’s offered me her stall.’

  ‘That’s fantastic news. So why aren’t you sounding like it is?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘I’m terrified, Hann. I’ve realised it’ll mean dealing with people.’

  ‘Yes, you goose, selling usually does involve dealing with people,’ Hannah said, grinning.

  ‘God, Hann, I’ll smack someone over the head with a sculpture for sure if they say they’re too expensive. Or, heaven forbid, ask what it’s meant to be.’

  ‘It’ll be good training for when you’re snapped up by one of Australia’s most prestigious galleries. You’ll be fine. I’ll come and help you.’

  ‘Oh, would you? That’d be fantastic. Look, I’d better let you go since I’ve called you at work. And I’ve got to pull my finger out and make some more stuff to sell.’

  ‘It’ll all work out, Sammy, you’ll see. You’ve got a whole month to get organised.’

  ‘Yeah, to become a nervous wreck, you mean. Sorry, enough about me – you’re right, I’m being ridiculous. It’s a great opportunity. Deep breaths. How are you, anyway? I’m really excited about your party.’

  ‘You’d better still be able to make it.’

  ‘Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Hey, are you okay? Do I detect something up with you, too?’

  ‘Yes, I’m having a little freak-out of my own here, actually.’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘The partners have put their feet down about the amount of unused annual leave and are forcing everyone to take it. I’m on annual leave for six weeks as of Monday. I’ve just found out.’

  ‘But that’s not so bad, is it?’

  ‘Sam, this place is my lifeline.’