My Deliberate Mistake

by Claire Svendsen

  “No,” I jump.

  Noah and Mike both look at me like I've just grown two horns out of the top of my head.

  “I mean,” I start back peddling. “It would be better to go check on Carl and Natalie. The way they are behaving they wouldn't notice if a tree fell on them or something.”

  “You're right,” Noah nods. “They need to quit fucking around and do something to help. See if you can find them okay?”

  “Alright,” Mike says, stomping off down the hall.

  I know he's hoping to catch another glimpse of Natalie naked. Maybe he's even hoping to get in on the action. Form a threesome. I wouldn’t put it past him but I don't even care. As long as he doesn't talk to Emily and Norma before I get a chance to explain things to Noah, I don't care if he fucks his own brains out.

  “You kids have fun,” he laughs as he walks out.

  “It's not like that,” Noah shouts after him but Mike doesn't reply.

  “He really thinks we asked him to leave so we could have sex?” I say. “Doesn’t he know there are plenty of empty beds around that would serve much better than a kitchen table.”

  “I don't think he thinks much at all when it comes to sex,” Noah says. “So, what’s going on?”

  54.

  We sit at the table with Charlie settled at our feet. I can feel his warm body through my shoes, the rise and fall of his steady breathing. At least someone is on my side.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?” Noah asks like it’s a simple question.

  “What’s wrong? Isn’t everything wrong?”

  I see the door behind Noah, the pantry where Mark lies dying. He’s probably dead by now. I can’t trust Julia’s empty promises. The only way is to move forward, to get Noah to believe that I didn’t do any of this. With him on my side I know things will be better. Things will be okay. Without him? I don’t stand a chance.

  Noah watches me for a minute, and then rubs the day old stubble that’s grown on his chin. He’s sweet and sexy and I can’t remember why I ever pushed him away.

  “You know, don’t you,” he says. “You know what happened.”

  This is my chance, the moment I’ve been waiting for but now that it’s here I can’t speak. He reaches for my hand and takes it in his.

  “I can protect you,” he says.

  I start to cry. “You can’t protect me from this.”

  I realize I’m going to have to tell Noah everything. All of it. I have one shot at this. If I fuck it up I may as well be dead. I’ve lied my way through my whole life and obviously that hasn’t worked out so well because I’m up to my neck in serious shit. Now is the time to start telling the truth. The truth with a few omissions that is.

  “I used to have a twin,” I say, looking down at the table where our hands still touch. “When we were little she died and she’s been haunting me ever since. She wants to hurt me and she took it out on Mark. It’s my fault. I never should have let myself feel anything for him. I’m the reason he’s dying.”

  Noah doesn’t let go of my hand like I expect him to.

  “Ana,” he says gently. “Mark isn’t dying. He’s dead.”

  “No, I know but he’s not. Julia said she would keep him alive for me if I did what she said.”

  “What did she want you to do?”

  “Get his phone. There are pictures on it, pictures of me. And there is a sculpture Mark made,” I pause and blink back tears. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m so sorry.”

  He squeezes my hand. “I don’t believe in ghosts and even if I did, there is no way a ghost is going to bring Mark back to life.”

  “She will,” I say, the tears streaming down my face. “I just have to do what she says and she’ll save him.”

  I’m crying and shaking as Noah cradles me into him.

  “Please. You have to help me.”

  He stands and pulls my hand. “Come on.”

  I think we’re going to find Emily and Norma, to get the phone and erase the evidence but instead he tugs me over to the pantry.

  “What are you doing?” I whisper.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this to you but you have to see.”

  “No,” I scream, pulling back against him.

  “You have to do this,” he shouts.

  He opens the door as I’m pulling against him, trying to get away from his iron grip. My hand hurts as I try to wrench it from his but he’s not letting go. The door swings open and I see the table and Mark. I stop struggling and let him pull me in. I’ll prove to him that I’m right and he’s wrong. I dash forward and grab the blanket, pulling it off Mark’s body in one swoop. It hangs suspended in the air for a moment and that’s all it takes for me to see his glazed, frozen eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling.

  “No,” I scream, stumbling back into Noah.

  He holds me as I cry out every tear I’ve been holding back. Mark is gone. Clinging to some shred of a lie was never going to bring him back. My love killed him. It feels like my heart has split open and blood is spilling out. My legs buckle and Noah catches me, letting me lean on him as he closes the door behind us. He sits me down in a chair and boils the old kettle while I cry until my eyes are raw and there are no tears left.

  “Drink this,” he says, placing a steaming mug in front of me. “It’s tea. It’ll help.”

  The hot liquid scalds my throat and I let it, wanting to feel anything but the gnawing pain inside my heart. He strokes my hair and I lean against him, taking comfort without thinking.

  55.

  I'm still sitting in Noah's arms when Emily and Norma burst breathlessly into the kitchen. I don't bother and look up. I know why they are here.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Emily snaps.

  I know she's going to be pissed. She wanted Noah from the start and I realize she's going to do everything in her power to make sure everyone thinks I'm guilty. She's going to make me pay whether I am or not.

  “Well?” she snaps.

  Noah takes my hand protectively. “Nothing is going on.”

  “Something is definitely going on. How could you do this to me Noah?”

  “Do what to you Emily?”

  Noah's voice is calm but I can see it’s only pissing Emily off even more.

  “Cheat on me.”

  “Cheat on you?” he laughs. “We were never together so how could I cheat on you?”

  “But I thought,” her voice trails off.

  I finally look up as Emily pulls the phone from her pocket and holds it out threateningly.

  “She killed him,” she cries. “She killed Mark. She’s dangerous. We have to do something.”

  I stiffen in defense but Noah looks at me and gently shakes his head. I bite my tongue and pray that he can talk some sense into her.

  “How do you know she killed him?” he says calmly. “Did you see her do it?”

  “Here, look in his phone. There are naked pictures of her in here. She’s all slutty, posing for him like she’s hot shit. He probably turned her down because she’s a skanky hoe and that’s why she killed him.”

  “It was an art project,” I shout.

  “An art project?” she laughs. “Please. How dumb do you think I am?”

  Noah grabs my arm and squeezes it.

  “Do you really think Ana has the strength to toss a man over a balcony?” he says.

  “People have crazy strength when they go insane,” Emily carries on. “We found pills in her room. Bottles and bottles of pills. Tell him Norma, she's a fucking nut job. That's how she was able to kill him.”

  Norma doesn’t say anything, just looks uncomfortably at the floor. Maybe she believes me after all.

  “Emily,” I say. “I'm not taking the pills anymore.”

  “Exactly,” she cries. “You're a crazy lunatic who stopped taking her meds. No wonder you snapped. You could kill anyone of us. Noah, you have to do something. Tie her up or lock her away until help comes. I don't want to die.”

  �
�Who sounds like the crazy one now?” I say.

  Natalie and Carl appear in the doorway, their clothes crumpled and faces red. Mike pushes past them and sits down at the table.

  “What’s going on now?” he says. “Why are you all freaking out?”

  “And what’s with the phone?” Natalie says. “There’s no service you know.”

  “She killed him,” Emily cries. “This phone is evidence.”

  “Shut up Emily,” Noah shouts. “Everyone sit down. Now.”

  “I'm not sitting at the same table as a killer,” Emily spits.

  “Fine. Stand then but put the phone on the table.”

  She does but it’s too late. I know no matter what I do or say, Emily will never believe I'm innocent. She'll tell the police and anyone who will listen that I'm a killer and I know eventually someone will believe her. Because who would ever believe a ghost killed someone instead? No one.

  56.

  I hear Julia before I see her, light footsteps skipping down the hall. I will her to go away but if she can read my thoughts, she doesn’t bother to listen. She appears in the doorway and stands there with that awful grin on her face. I wait for someone to look up and see her but no one does. They are all focused on the phone and the discussion about what should be done with it.

  Julia leans forward and whispers something into Emily’s ear. I don’t know what she says but even though no one appears to be able to see her, it is clear Emily can hear her. Suddenly her angry face falls flat and vacant like she’s a chalk board that’s been wiped clean. Horrified, I watch as Julia finishes talking and steps away. Then she pulls Emily’s shirt and giggles as she turns and pushes her down the hall, away from the kitchen and safety. Away from all of us.

  I want to tell her to stop. To shout out so that Noah or Mike will tell Emily she can’t go off on her own. That it’s not safe and she needs a buddy but I can’t. Emily is the one person who can destroy my life and so I watch as Julia leads her away and I say nothing.

  “We should see the pictures,” Mike says. “I’ll be able to tell if it’s art or porn.”

  “All naked art is porn,” Carl grins. “But I agree. We should get to see.”

  “No one is looking at the naked pictures,” Noah says.

  He pulls the phone closer to him but I don’t know how long he’ll be able to stop the others from looking at the pictures. I feel sick again.

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” I say.

  “Natalie?” Noah says. “Go with her. Buddy system at all times people.”

  Natalie looks at me nervously. I know she’s thinking that she’s about to be buddied with the killer. She shakes her head and tears well up in her eyes. I know she’s scared, we all are. I don’t want to terrify her any more than she already is.

  “I’m sorry,” she shakes her head. “I just can’t.”

  She sits back down and snuggles against Carl. Instead of brushing her off the way I expect him to, he puts his arm protectively around her. I guess it wasn’t just sex after all.

  “I’ll go,” Norma says, smiling weakly at me.

  “No, forget it,” Noah stands. “I’ll go with Ana but the phone comes with us.”

  57.

  This is the second time I’ve had to pee with someone waiting outside. It’s probably what prison will feel like, only without the doors and instead of Noah it will be some big buff chick named Edna, waiting to kick my ass. Of course there is always a chance I’ll make it out of this but I can’t see how. I try and pee as quietly as I can but it’s harder than it sounds. I guess I've been taking too long because finally Noah clears his throat.

  “Are you alright in there?”

  “Yes. I'm fine.”

  I unlock the stall door and Noah is standing there. I barrel right into him.

  “Oh my God, I'm so sorry,” I say as I stumble over his foot.

  He catches me in his arms and I look up at his kind, sweet face. Then suddenly I’m reaching up to kiss him. He lets me, kissing me back as he pulls me close and I fall into him because I don’t have a choice. I need to forget. The person I loved is dead and gone but I can’t get him out of my head. So I kiss Noah instead, hoping to erase the pain.

  “Do you want this?” he whispers.

  “Yes,” I reply, biting his lower lip and rubbing my hand over his crotch.

  Now his breath is ragged and urgent as we pull our pants off and I let him take over. I’m not the one calling the shots or deciding how fast or how far it goes. He's kissing every inch of my body and when he lifts me up, I wrap my legs around him tightly and let him enter me. Now there is nothing but him inside me. No storm. No death. No Mark. I clutch him like I’m drowning, taking his breath, his air, his very essence. I hold onto him for dear life.

  58.

  I always feel awkward after sex. Pulling on clothes and staring at the tattoo of a guy I just met, wondering why I let him violate me in the most personal way. But I never felt that with Mark because I loved him and I don’t feel it with Noah either. Instead I feel relief.

  “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he says.

  That’s when we hear the scream. Struggling frantically into our clothes we race down the hallway. My heart thumps in my chest but with Noah beside me I’m not scared anymore. As we pass a window I grab his arm.

  “Look,” I point through the cracked glass. “The storm is passing.”

  The rain has slowed to a steady drizzle and trees that were once bent over now stand shakily upright. We pause to look for a moment but the scream comes again and this time it’s louder.

  We run holding hands and I know we have to get out of the building. Julia is here and deep down I think I’ve known all along that she’s going to drag Victoria College and all its inhabitants down to hell. In the kitchen Norma looks pale.

  “Was that you?” I gasp for air, rubbing a stitch in my side. “What’s wrong?”

  “Look,” she points to the pantry door.

  I should have known. Julia always had a flair for the dramatic. I can’t see the fire but it cracks behind the closed door and smoke spills under it like a special effect in some cheesy movie.

  “We have to get out of here,” Noah says. “Where are the others?”

  “They went to look for Emily. She disappeared.”

  “Should we open the door?” I say. “Get some water or something? There must be a fire extinguisher around here somewhere.”

  “There's no time for that,” Noah says. “You open the door and flames could burst out and burn you to a crisp. It's not worth it.” He takes my hand, looking serious like he’s afraid I might crack again. “Mark is dead. There is nothing we can do for him now. We have to save ourselves.”

  I nod and bite my bottom lip, wondering how long the sex will hold us together.

  “Come on Norma. Let’s go get our stuff,” I say.

  “Hurry,” Noah says. “We don't have much time. Once this thing catches, the whole place is going to go up like a tinder box.”

  “Okay. We’ll hurry but what about you?”

  “I'm going to look for the others.”

  I want to tell him not to. I want to scream that Julia is out there and she'll kill him because he likes me.

  “Please,” I beg. “Stay with me.”

  “I can't,” he shakes his head. “I can't leave them to die.”

  “You don't know that they'll die,” I cry. “They could get out on their own. They don't need your help. What if you can't find them?”

  “I have to try.”

  “You don't,” I scream. “Stay with me. Please. I need you.”

  He comes up and grabs me, holds me tight and breathes in the scent of my hair.

  “I want to stay with you,” he says. “More than anything in the world. But if I do then what kind of man would I be? I couldn't live with myself. I don't want to be a coward for you. I want to be a hero.”

  “I don't care what you are. I just don't want you to die,” I sob.

  �
��I won't. The fire is in here, I'm going in the opposite direction. There is plenty of time. Now go get your stuff and get out. Alright? Wait for me in the garden by the statue where we kissed. I promise I'll be there, just wait. Okay?”

  “Alright,” I say.

  “Come on Ana, hurry.”

  Norma tugs me towards the door but I pull away and kiss Noah. For a moment I forget Julia and the fire.

  “You'd better be there,” he says, looking down into my eyes. “Promise me.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  59.

  “Come on, it's getting worse,” Norma says.

  She’s right and as we run through the corridors and up the stairs, I see that Noah was horribly wrong. We might be running away from the fire but we are also running straight into another one. Smoke hangs thick as fog in the corridors and I gag as it fills my lungs.

  “What’s going on?” Norma shouts, pulling her shirt over her mouth. “Why are there more fires?”

  “I don't know,” I shout back but I do know.

  When we were ten, Julia set fire to my hair. She laughed as the flames licked at my long blonde waves and then began eating my pillow. I woke up screaming, thinking the house was on fire but it wasn't. It was just another one of Julia's games. She once told me voices made her set the fires. That they wanted to watch things burn and she had to do as they said otherwise they'd hurt her. I never believed her lies. There was pure joy on her face as my hair burned to a crisp and Mom ran in with a bowl of water to dump over my head. Julia told her I fell asleep with a candle. No one thought any different. Who would think a sweet angelic child would set fire to her own sister’s hair?

  Now I know Julia set these fires too or maybe even talked Emily into setting them for her. That blank face she got when Julia whispered in her ear. I knew back then it meant she'd do whatever Julia told her and I did nothing. No, I did worse than nothing. I had sex with Noah so that I would forget. But now with smoke filling the hallway, I can't forget anymore.