The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

by Terry Pratchett

Page 15

 

  Right, said Darktan. Were going to get Hamnpork out of there. Sardines, you will show me the way. Well try to pick up others as we go. The rest of you should try to find the kid.

  Why are you giving orders? said Peaches. Because someone has to, said Darktan. Hamnpork might be a bit scabby and set in his ways but hes the leader and everyone smells that and we need him. Any questions? Right-

  Can I come, sir? said Nourishing. Shes helping me carry my string, boss, Sardines explained. Both he and the younger rat were carrying bundles of it. You need all of that? said Darktan. You should never say no to a piece of string, boss, said Sardines earnestly. Its amazing, some of the stuff Ive been finding-

  All right, so long as shes useful for something, said Darktan. Shed better be able to keep up. Lets go! And then there was just Dangerous Beans, Peaches, and Maurice.

  Dangerous Beans sighed. One rat can be brave, but a bunch of rats is just a mob? he said. Are you right, Maurice?

  No, I was… look, there was something back there, said Maurice. Its in a cellar. I dont know what it is. Its the voice that gets into peoples heads!

  Not everyone, said Peaches. It didnt frighten you, did it? Or us. Or Darktan. It made Hamnpork very angry. Why? Maurice blinked. He could hear the voice in his head again. It was very faint, and it certainly wasnt his own thoughts, and it said I will find a way in, CAT! Did you hear that? he said. I didnt hear anything, said Peaches. Perhaps you have to be close, Maurice thought. Perhaps, if youve been close, it knows where your head lives. Hed never seen a rat so miserable as Dangerous Beans. The little rat was huddled by the candle, staring unseeing at Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure. I hoped it would be better than this, said Dangerous Beans. But it turns out were just… rats. As soon as theres trouble, were just… rats. It was very unusual for Maurice to feel sympathetic to anyone who wasnt Maurice. In a cat, that is a major character flaw. I must be ill, he thought. If its any help, Im just a cat, he said. Oh, but you are not. You are kind and, deep down, I sense that you have a generous nature, said Dangerous Beans. Maurice tried not to look at Peaches. Oh boy, he thought. At least you ask people before you eat them, said Peaches. Youd better tell them, said Maurices thoughts. Go on, tell them. Youd feel better. Maurice tried to tell his thoughts to shut up. What a time to get a conscience! What good was a cat with a conscience? A cat with a conscience was a… a hamster, or something… Um, Ive been meaning to talk to you about that, he muttered. Go on, tell them, said his shiny new conscience. Get it out in the open. Yes? said Peaches. Maurice squirmed. Well, you know I do always check my food these days…

  Yes, and it does you great credit, said Dangerous Beans. Now Maurice felt even worse. Well, you know how weve always wondered how come I got Changed even though I never ate any of that magical stuff on the dump…

  Yes, said Peaches. That has always puzzled me. Maurice shifted uneasily. Well, you know… er… did you ever know a rat, quite big, one ear missing, bit of white fur on one side, couldnt run too fast cos of a bad leg?

  That sounds like Additives, said Peaches. Oh, yes, said Dangerous Beans. He disappeared before we met you, Maurice. A good rat. Had a bit of a speech… difficulty.

  Speech difficulty, said Maurice, gloomily. He stammered, said Peaches, giving Maurice a long, cool stare. Couldnt get his words out very easily.

  Not very easily, said Maurice, his voice now quite hollow. But Im sure you never met him, Maurice, said Dangerous Beans. I miss him. He was a wonderful rat once you got him talking.

  Ahem. Did you meet him, Maurice? said Peaches, her stare nailing him to the wall. Maurices face moved. It tried various expressions one after another. Then he said, All right! I ate him, OK? All of him! Except for the tail and the green wobbly bit and that nasty purple lump, no-one knows what it is! I was just a cat! I hadnt learned to think yet! I didnt know! I was hungry! Cats eat rats, thats how it goes! It wasnt my fault! And hed been eating the magic stuff and I ate him so then I got Changed too! Know how that feels, seeing the green wobbly bit like that? It doesnt feel good! Sometimes on dark nights I think I can hear him talking down there! All right? Satisfied? I didnt know he was anyone! I didnt know I was anyone! I ate him! Hed been eating the stuff on the dump and I ate him so thats how I got Changed! I admit it! I ate him! It wasnt my faauulltt! And then there was silence. After a while Peaches said, Yes, but that was a long time ago, wasnt it?

  What? You mean have I eaten anyone lately? No!

  Are you sorry for what you did? said Dangerous Beans. Sorry? What do you think? Sometimes I have nightmares where I burp and he-

  Then thats probably all right, said the little rat. All right? said Maurice. How can it be all right? And you know the worst part? Im a cat! Cats dont go round feeling sorry! Or guilty! We never regret anything! Do you know what it feels like, saying “Hello food, can you talk?” Thats not how a cat is supposed to behave!

  We dont act how rats are supposed to behave, said Dangerous Beans. And then his face fell again. Up until now, he sighed. Everyone was frightened, said Peaches. Fear spreads.

  I hoped we could be more than rats, said Dangerous Beans. I thought we could be more than things that squeak and widdle, whatever Hamnpork says. And now… where is everyone?

  Shall I read to you from Mr Bunnsy? said Peaches, her voice full of concern. You know that always cheers you up when youre in one of your… dark times. There was a nod from Dangerous Beans. Peaches pulled the huge book towards her and began to read. One day Mr Bunnsy and his friend Ratty Rupert the Rat went to see Old Man Donkey, who lived by the river-

  Read the bit where they talk to the humans, said Dangerous Beans. Peaches obediently turned a page. “Hello, Ratty Rupert,” said Farmer Fred. “What a lovely day it is, to be sure-” This is mad, thought Maurice, as he listened to a story about wild woods and fresh bubbling streams, being read to one rat by another rat while they sat beside a drain along which ran something that certainly wasnt fresh. Anything but fresh. To be fair, though, it was bubbling a bit, or at least glooping. Everythings going down the drain and they have this little picture in their heads about how nice things could be… Look at those little pink sad eyes, said Maurices own thoughts in Maurices own head. Look at those little wobbly wrinkly noses. If you ran out on them and left them here, how could you look those little wobbly noses in the face again? I wouldnt have to, said Maurice, out loud. Thats the point!

  What? said Peaches, looking up from the book. Oh, nothing… Maurice paused. There was nothing for it. It went against everything a cat stood for. This is what thinking does for you, he thought. It gets you into trouble. Even when you know other people can think for themselves, you start thinking for them too. He groaned. Wed better see whats happened to the kid, he said. It was completely black in the cellar. All there was, apart from the occasional drip of water, were voices. So, said the voice of Malicia, lets go over it again, shall we? You dont have a knife of any kind?

  Thats right, said Keith. Or some handy matches that could burn through the rope?

  No.

  And no sharp edge near you that you could rub the rope on?

  No.

  And you cant sort of pull your legs through your arms so that you can get your hands in front of you?

  No.

  And you dont have any secret powers?

  No.

  Are you sure? The moment I saw you, I thought: hes got some amazing power that will probably manifest itself when hes in dire trouble. I thought: no-one could really be as useless as that unless it was a disguise.

  No. Im sure. Look, Im just a normal person. Yes, all right, I was abandoned as a baby. I dont know why. It was something that happened. They say it happens quite a lot. It doesnt make you special. And I dont have any secret markings as if I was some kind of sheep, and I dont think Im a hero in disguise and I dont have some kind of amazing talent that Im aware of. OK, Im good at playing quite a few musical instruments. I practise a lot. But Im the kind of person heroes arent. I get by and
I get along. I do my best. Understand?

  Oh.

  You should have found someone else.

  In fact, you cant be any help at all?

  No. There was silence for a while and then Malicia said, You know, in many ways I dont think this adventure has been properly organized.

  Oh, really? said Keith. This is not how people should be tied up.

  Malicia, do you understand? This isnt a story, said Keith, as patiently as he could. Thats what Im trying to tell you. Real life isnt a story. There isnt some kind of… of magic that keeps you safe and makes crooks look the other way and not hit you too hard and tie you up next to a handy knife and not kill you. Do you understand? There was some more dark silence. My granny and my great-aunt were very famous story-tellers, you know, said Malicia eventually, in a strained

  little voice. Agoniza and Eviscera Grim.

  You said, said Keith. My mother would have been a good story-teller, too, but my father doesnt like stories. Thats why Ive changed my name to Grim for professional purposes.

  Really…

  I used to get beaten when I was small for telling stories, Malicia went on. Beaten? said Keith. All right, then, smacked, said Malicia. On the leg. But it did hurt. My father says you cant run a city on stories. He says you have to be practical.

  Oh.

  Arent you interested in anything except music? He broke your pipe!

  I expect Ill buy another one. The calm voice infuriated Malicia. Well, Ill tell you something, she said. If you dont turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone elses story.

  And what if your story doesnt work?

  You keep changing it until you find one that does.

  Sounds silly.

  Huh, look at you. Youre just a face in someone elses background. You let a cat make all the decisions.

  Thats because Maurice is- A voice said, Would you like us to go away until youve stopped being human?

  Maurice? said Keith. Where are you?

  Im in a drain and believe me, this has not been a good night. Do you know how many old cellars there are here? said the voice of Maurice, in the blackness. Peaches is bringing a candle in. Its too dark even for me to see you.

  Whos Peaches? whispered Malicia. Shes another Changeling. A thinking rat, said Keith. Like Pilchards?

  Like Sardines, yes.

  Aha, hissed Malicia. See? A story. I am smug, I gloat. The plucky rats rescue our heroes, probably by gnawing through the ropes.

  Oh, were back in your story, are we? said Keith. And what am I in your story?

  I know its not going to be romantic interest, said Malicia. And youre not funny enough for comic relief. I dont know. Probably just… someone. You know, like “man in street”, something like that. There were faint sounds in the darkness. What are they doing now? she whispered. Trying to light their candle, I think.

  Rats play with fire? Malicia hissed. They dont play. Dangerous Beans thinks lights and shadows are very important. They always have a candle alight somewhere in their tunnels, wherever they-

  Dangerous Beans? What sort of name is that?