The Captain's Letters

by Caylen McQueen

  Though our time together was brief, I do not believe love can be measured by time. Think of Romeo and Juliet, your favorite play. Their time together was brief, but the brevity of it did not diminish their love in any way.

  Marie stopped reading and closed her eyes. It was ironic that he should mention Romeo and Juliet. Not two days ago, she had considered taking her own life, just as Juliet had. Like Juliet, she could not imagine living in a world without her love. At times, Marie felt like she was living in an entirely different world, as an entirely different person: a mere shell of her former self. Without Charles, it was like starting an entirely new life. More than ever, she could relate to the desperation and hopelessness of poor Juliet.

  If there is one absolute truth in this world, it is this: even in death, I shall love you forever. My love for you is so strong, it pierces through mortality. I leave a piece of my heart behind, in these letters, and I hope you will always remember how deeply and completely I loved you.

  Adoring you forever,

  Charles Sedgeford.

  When she reached the letter's end, her tears finally flooded. She clasped a hand over her heart and bellowed such a sob, she feared her sister would hear her.

  Marie clutched the letter to her heart, sank into her pillow, and cried until it was utterly soaked.

  Chapter Nine

  The next morning, Marie was relieved when her sister finally joined her in the sitting room, for she had much to tell her. Amanda had the swollen eyes of someone who had only recently risen from bed, and though Marie hated to vex her, she could not delay her news.

  Good morning.” Marie lifted a sheet of paper and wagged it in the air. “I read Charles Sedgeford's letter.”

  “Did you?” Eager to hear more, Amanda rushed into the room and sat beside her sister on the settee.

  “More specifically, I have read it ten times,” she confessed. “And each time I do, I am filled with hope.”

  “I am very glad to hear it, Marie!” Amanda gave her sister's hair a gentle stroke. “I know how you were afraid.”

  “I was afraid... but now I am not. The letter simply affirmed how much he cared for me, and I look forward to reading the other letters he composed.”

  “A year is a very long time to wait. Should I convince Major Morley to let us glimpse the rest?”

  “No. Annual letters was Charles' wish, and I must see his wish fulfilled,” Marie said. “As for Major Morley... you missed him by mere minutes.”

  “He was here?”

  “Yes. Only moments ago. He came to see you, and I told him you had not yet risen.”

  “Oh dear...” Amanda groaned into the palm of her hand. “It is nearly noon! He must think I am a terrible slugabed.”

  “I am sure he thought nothing of it. He was very polite, and quite jovial.”

  Jovial. What a shame. She had secretly hoped he would be miserable to find her asleep. “When was he last here?”

  “Not long ago.”

  “More specifically, please?” Amanda urged her.

  “Perhaps five minutes ago?”

  “Five minutes!” It was as if she had a revelation. Amanda rushed across the room, donned her pelisse and bonnet, and hurried to the door. “If I hurry, perhaps I might catch him before he gets too far. Unless... was he on a horse?”

  “No, he mentioned something about a brisk morning stroll, so I believe he came on foot. He currently resides in town, so he is not too far away.”

  “Then I must go. Farewell, Marie. If you would, tell Phoebe that her mother will be returning shortly.”

  “Such urgency from you is rare. I have never seen you quite so... motivated.” Marie narrowed her eyes as she considered her sister's actions. “You love him, do you not?”

  “I...” Amanda's mouth hanged open, but no words were spoken. She could not admit to her sister what she was not yet willing to admit to herself.

  “If you love him, you must tell him,” her younger sister advised her. “If I have learned anything in Charles' absence, it is that time is precious. It has a limit, and you mustn't let it slip away.”

  Without giving her sister a response, Amanda hurried out of the room, out of the cottage, and into the chill of the outside world. It was unseasonably cold, so she was fortunate for her pelisse, though the flimsy garment did little to fend off the cold. Hugging herself tightly, Amanda charged ahead, in the direction of the nearest town. If she moved quickly, with long strides, she hoped they would eventually cross paths.

  Unfortunately, the ground was moist from yesterday's rain, and her boots were repeatedly mired in mud. Once, she was stuck for several seconds before she managed to twist her foot free from the soggy soil. The hem of her muslin gown was completely ruined, and when she finally saw Joseph in the distance, the worst scenario came to pass.

  “Mr. Morley!” she cried to him. “Mr. Morley, please! It is--”

  Her foot managed to sink in the mud yet again, and when she tried to rush forward, she fell onto her knees, into the mud. Splatters of mud soaked the front of her dress, and everything below her knees was utterly soiled. As she rose to her feet, she secretly hoped he had not heard her calling to him—perhaps it was not too late to pretend she never saw him, to return home with her dignity intact?

  But she was not so lucky. When she glanced in his direction, Major Morley was limping toward her.

  “Mrs. Bowden, are you alright? I saw you fall.”

  “I am... uninjured,” she answered sheepishly. Amanda brushed her hair from her face, and in doing so, she accidentally transferred an embarrassing chunk of mud from her hand to her red locks. When she realized what had happened, she wished for a rock to crawl under. As humiliating as the moment was, she desperately wanted to hide her face until the entire ordeal was forgotten. “My pride, however... my pride has suffered quite a blow.”

  “Ah. You needn't be embarrassed. Everyone is entitled to a graceless moment or two.”

  “Graceless?” she chuckled at his choice of word. “Is that not a bit... harsh?”

  “If it was harsh, I apologize. At times, I fear my humor is too brusque to be understood.”

  “No. I understand it quite well. I... I must say, I...” Now that Major Morley was standing in front of her, she had a difficult time remembering why she had chased after him. If you love him, you must tell him. Her sister's words lingered in her mind. Even if it was true—and Amanda was not entirely certain that she loved him—it was not as if she possessed the bravery to confess it. “I wanted to speak to you, Mr. Morley...” she paused a moment. “When I realized I was absent during your visit, I was deeply saddened.”

  “And so you hunted me down? I am impressed, Mrs. Bowden,” he answered with a wink. “What did I do to inspire such tenacity in you?”

  “I needed to speak with you.” Amanda closed the distance between them, until she was standing only inches away from him. Many doubts raced through her mind. What if he did not want her? What if his heart belonged to another? What if he was deterred by the fact that she had a daughter? As insecurities plagued her, she was beginning to doubt the day would go as she planned it.

  “Of course.” He politely bowed his head. “You may speak to me about anything.”

  “True. You always listened well. You have been an invaluable friend. When I had no one else to speak to, you kindly lent an ear...” Amanda was so weak under his gaze, she found it difficult to swallow. “When it felt as though no one else did, you cared.”

  “I still care,” he said. “I shall always care. Your happiness... the happiness of your sister and daughter... I care very deeply.”

  “You have been here for us during a very difficult time. I wish there was something I could say to properly express my gratitude...”

  “You needn't thank me, Mrs. Bowden. Being your friend has been an honor.” Joseph held a hand over his heart and bowed to her. “Truly.”

  “I have a favor to ask of you, if I may...” She looked down at her sullied dress with a sigh.
“Although... I would much rather ask this of you when I was not covered in mud.”

  “The mud looks fetching on you, I assure you.” He grinned. “Only you could look adorable in mud.”

  “Kiss me.” The words flew out of her mouth, and immediately she regretted them.

  Joseph looked thoroughly shocked, but he was more than willing to oblige. He feared she would rescind her request, so he acted quickly. He cupped her cheek in his hand as he brought his face closer.

  When she felt his lips brushing hers, Amanda's heart seemed to expand in her chest. It was a small kiss, and yet it left her breathless. As he pulled away, he searched her eyes for answers, hoping for some sign of what that kiss might mean.

  “I... care for you.” Her face turned crimson as she confessed her feelings. “I have cared for you for some time. Not as a friend, as... more than that.”

  “Ah.”

  “Ah?” His lack of a response made her fretful. “Do you not return my feelings? Please do not think you must spare my feelings. If you don't care for me as--”

  “I do,” he interrupted her. “I do care for you, Mrs. Bowden. Deeply. But I never imagined you might feel the same way. You are so far above me... you are so lovely and perfect. I believe I must be dreaming and soon shall wake.”

  “It isn't a dream. And if it is, I am almost certainly the dreamer.” Amanda took his hand in hers and lightly caressed his knuckles. She thought her hand looked so tiny when pressed against his. “Ever since we met, I've longed to see you every day. I've fallen for you, Joseph. Truly. Not a moment passes when my thoughts don't drift to you.”

  When he cupped her face again, she leaned against his hand. His thumb brushed against her blushing cheek, so gently that it made her ears tingle. “You deserve a much better man than me. Surely you have better prospects?”

  “No. And even if there were others, there is no better man than you,” she said. “You are handsome and kind and wonderful.”

  “Handsome?” Joseph's nose wrinkled as he scoffed at the word. He gestured toward his face, where the scars had consumed it. “Surely you're speaking of another man?”

  “Not at all. You are handsome.” Amanda suddenly laid her hand against his cheek, on his scars. “This does not make you any less appealing. If anything, it makes you more so.”

  Suddenly, his lips crashed into hers once again. He suckled her lips, gently and softly. Amanda had been longing for his kiss so long, she moaned into his mouth. Her fingers slipped through his messy hair, clinging to his black curls as she deepened the kiss. Her knees were weak, and her body seemed to sag into his, so he wrapped an arm around her to keep her aloft.

  As he pulled away, he whispered, “You are so, so lovely, Amanda Bowden.”

  Amanda Bowden. She desperately wanted to be Amanda Morley. Was it too soon to tell him that?

  Joseph took her arm and trailed kisses along her wrist. “You have made my life so wonderful, Amanda,” he whispered. “So indescribably wonderful. After the horrors I went through, I never imagined I could be this happy, but you have certainly proven me wrong.”

  “Until I met you, I thought I was incapable of love.” Amanda's smile broadened as she spoke. “But you have certainly proven me wrong.”

  And they knew, without question, they were at the beginning of something wonderful.

  PART TWO

  Chapter Ten

  Twelve years later

  As Phoebe studied the looking glass, she saw only reasons to detest herself. Though she was now nineteen, she felt as if she never quite grew into her body. Her chest was embarrassingly non-existent, and yet her waist was somewhat wide. She never liked her ginger hair, which was thick, unruly, and always beset with unbearable tangles. No matter how many times she brushed it, her wiry locks refused to be tamed. Sadly, she lost count of the number of times she had been teased for her flaming, feral locks.

  The number of freckles on her face seemed to increase over the years; now her cheeks and nose were utterly drowning in them. Her stepfather was the only man who seemed to appreciate them.

  “What if no one speaks to me or asks me to dance?” Phoebe continued to stare into the looking glass as she spoke. “I will almost certainly be a wallflower.”

  “Nonsense!” Joseph Morley protested. “You're lovely. If no gentleman asks you to dance, I will have lost faith in all gentlemen.”

  “Lovely?” She answered her stepfather's compliment with an unladylike snort. “I am anything but lovely. At best, I am plain. At worst I am... hideous.”

  “Silly girl!” Joseph rose from his chair and stood at her side. “How many times must I say you are pretty before you are finally convinced of it?”

  “Countless, for I shall never believe it.” When Phoebe ran a hand along her waist, a pout appeared on her lips. Oh how she detested the roundness of her stomach! “You, Papa...” she had been calling him that for years, “you are required to compliment me. No other man would agree with you... assuming he was not half-blind.”

  “You judge yourself much too harshly! You are a lovely girl, Phoebe, in every possible way.”

  Tomorrow would be her first ball—and she wished it would be her last. Unfortunately, finding a husband was a requirement for every young lady, though Phoebe would have much rather spent her time on horseback or reading books.

  “I hate that tomorrow must come,” she confessed. “But I will cease my complaining. I am sure you don't care to hear how very deeply I despise myself.”

  “I hate to hear it,” he replied. “As wonderful as you are, you should be brimming with confidence. I hate to think I've failed to convince you of your worth.”

  “It is no fault of yours, I assure you.” With a shrug, she retreated from the looking glass, returned to the settee, and proceeded to read her novel. “Truly, Papa... I am very fortunate to have you in my life.”

  Joseph simultaneously smiled and sighed. Bolstering her self-esteem was a seemingly impossible task, so after a curt farewell, he went to search for his wife. He found her with her sister, sitting on a bench in the garden. Like Phoebe, both of them were reading. Amanda was reading a large tome—likely one of her adventure novels. Marie was, perhaps unsurprisingly, reading one of Charles Sedgeford's letters. She had twelve of them now, and though he did not say it, Joseph feared she was far too attached to the words of her dead fiance. Not a day went by when she did not read them.

  Soon, the day would come when he would have to tell her that no letters remained.

  Joseph stealthily approached his wife, and when his kiss landed on her head, her entire body twitched with alarm.

  “Joseph!” Amanda shrieked his name as she sprang from the bench and spun in his direction. “If your goal is to make my heart burst, you very nearly succeeded!”

  “My sincerest apologies, my love. Frightening you was never my intention.” He coiled an arm around her waist and lightly kissed her forehead.

  “And why do I not believe you? If it was not your intention, why was your approach so utterly and completely silent?”

  “My footsteps make no noise. I cannot help that I am exceedingly graceful. My silence is a symptom of my grace.”

  “Oh, Joseph...” Her husband's remarks had Amanda rolling her eyes. “Do you take nothing seriously?”

  “Only when I must,” he answered with a wink. “As it happens, the matter I need to discuss is, in fact, rather serious.”

  Amanda raised an auburn eyebrow. “Oh?”

  “Your daughter dreads the ball,” he said. “She has the lowest opinion of herself, and I'm not sure how to correct it.”

  “I know not where her lack of confidence comes from, but I am sure it is no one's fault.” Amanda threw up her arms and added, “Many times, I have attempted to change the way she feels about herself, but I am afraid it is a hopeless endeavor.”

  “It is rather strange,” Joseph observed. “Over the years, she's changed so much. I remember a Phoebe that was utterly fearless. This complete lack of confidence
was acquired in recent years, and I cannot imagine why.”

  “Perhaps some attention from a kind young gentleman might change her mind?” Marie suggested. “But we must ensure she attaches herself to the right sort of gentleman.”

  Amanda rejoined her sister on the bench and laid a hand on her shoulder. “Will she be fortunate enough to have the support of her favorite aunt tomorrow? Might you accompany her to the ball? I suspect she might heed your advice more than she would heed mine.”

  Marie looked down at the letter she held in her hand:

  My Dearest Marie,

  In my final hours, you continue to be the only thought in my mind. I think of what might have become of us, if I was not here, but at your side. What dreams might we have explored together? What life might we have had? I hope you will always think of me and the happier times we had together, for they were truly the times that made my short life worth living.

  She was in love with a ghost. She was hardly in a position to give advice—but if her niece needed her, she would not deny her. Marie folded her letter, turned to her sister and answered softly, “Certainly. I will accompany her.”

  Chapter Eleven

  “I feel as though I am the only one who is not dancing,” Phoebe quietly observed. As she watched all the young couples lining up for the quadrille, she could feel the corners of her mouth diving into a frown.

  “I am not dancing,” her aunt pointed out. “If we are doomed to be wallflowers, let us be doomed together.” Though she attempted to improve Phoebe's mood, Marie knew her plight was entirely different from her niece's. It wasn't as if anyone expected a spinster of five and thirty to find a dance partner. Marie was on the shelf, completely and utterly hopeless. Being the ape leader that she was, she was released from expectations. Nevertheless, her age did not deter her from scanning the room in search of potential suitors—for her niece, of course.