Lock, Stock, and Feral

by Addison Moore

“Well, I think that’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?” Devan tips an ear toward my mother. “I mean, at most they had a few exchanges about how their chickens were doing and whose poultry was producing more eggs.”

  “Oh, but those conversations were so very sensual.” Mom swoons, and another round of cackles circles the room once again.

  So much for having anything intellectual to say. That French-American she’s quasi-dating has turned her brain to mush.

  The tiny kitten in my hand mewls, and I draw her closer to me.

  Even Clyde can see that my mother has her head in the clouds. Thankfully, Romero—if that’s his real name—is too far away for her to have any of her other body parts mixed up in the endeavor.

  “Anybody else?” Devan scans the room for a moment until her gaze stops cold over Patterson.

  “I’ll give it a go.” He winks her way, and it only seems to infuriate her all the more.

  “Go on.” All right, hot shot, let’s hear how your genius mind will interpret this disaster. I’m betting you’ll be twice as randy as Drooling Debbie over there.

  Did she just call my mother Drooling Debbie? She’s not far off the mark, but for my mother’s sake, I’d like to request a less bodily fluid based moniker. Like maybe Delusional Debbie or Desperate Debbie.

  Patterson gurgles a quiet laugh. “I think Summerset is a good example of many of us. We fight for something we believe in. We discard the old, and pound our chest that we’re free of it, so much so that we start to buy the lie that it was holding us back all along. But in truth, life is never that cut and dry. Many things can hold us back. Often, we like to finger point and suggest it was one thing, one person. But as it turns out, many times it was us all along. We dole out the power for people and things to hold us back. And with Summerset, even long after Jed was gone, I think he realized he was still in that emotional cage. Jed might have been dead, but Summerset was far from free of him. Summerset blamed Jed for his own ruin. He put him on a toxic emotional pedestal. Some people are simply tethered together so tightly it’s impossible to ever be free of them.”

  Devan’s head tips to the side as if he struck her. “So you think Summerset had the power to free himself, and yet you said that he was still in an emotional cage? What stopped Summerset from letting go of his emotional baggage and finally breaking free?”

  Patterson bores his gaze right into Devan’s. “Summerset will always care about Jed.”

  The room breaks out with a nervous laugh, and Devan fans herself with her book.

  “It seems Mr. Higgins read the same copy as our chicken friend here,” she says while throwing daggers his way.

  A warm laugh circles the room on my mother’s behalf and she joins in blushing like a schoolgirl.

  Devan leads the room into another discussion before she announces a five-minute coffee break, and soon the room is alive with conversation once again.

  Jasper heads my way. “I see you have a new buddy,” he says, giving Clyde a quick scratch between the ears. “You’ll like Bizzy. She’s extra friendly to cute kiddos like you.”

  “Apparently, you’re extra friendly, too,” the words speed out of me a touch too quickly, and it’s no use, I can’t hide my irrational jealously. Jasper is just going to have to take my budding rage on the chin like a man.

  A dry laugh pumps from him, but he’s not smiling. “Did you pick up anything? You know, from her mind?”

  “No.” I make a face. “At least not about you.”

  He glances back into the crowd. “I’ll be right back, Bizzy.” He drops a kiss to my forehead before speeding off.

  Perfect. He’s probably going to warn her that his wife is a weirdo who reads minds, and that she should keep their budding romance on the down low.

  I crane my neck into the sea of people and spot Emmie and Leo trying to shill their green cookies. Jordy is pouring wine as fast as he can, and I see Devan and Liv, the woman I bumped into, as takers. Next to Liv is that man in the sweater I saw earlier. He looks pretty eager to get in on the liquor action himself. And low and behold, stepping up to the front of the line are Jasper and his new hottie, Hadley Culpepper.

  I can’t help but shake my head when Jordy all but bows to the woman and hands her the very next glass of wine. I bet that’s exactly how Hadley has gone through life, cutting lines and stealing husbands. She’s a magician, all right. She’s doing pretty well at making my husband disappear.

  I spot Devan in the corner with that man, Patterson, and they look as if they’re having one heck of a tense conversation. I doubt it has anything to do with the book. I sensed something wasn’t right between the two of them during our little meet-up.

  A few dizzying minutes go by and I spot Sherlock by the door that leads into the main hall, so I head on over and nearly bump the wine right out of the hands of the lanky man in the sweater.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say as I move past him.

  Bizzy! I found the killer! Sherlock Bones gives a few quick barks, but the noise level is so high in the room it sounded more like a whisper.

  “There’s not a real killer. It’s just a book we’re discussing,” I say, bending over and giving him a quick pat. “This is Clyde.” I hold out the fluffy tangerine in my arms. “She’s new here. I’m sure we’ll get to know all about her as soon as we get back to the cottage.”

  Clyde lets out a tiny whimper of a mewl. Oh, I like you. What’s your name, big boy?

  A laugh gets caught in my throat as I pull her back to get a better look at her.

  “That’s Sherlock Bones. He’s as friendly as can be. And if you keep batting your lashes at him, he’ll hand over all his bacon to you. He’ll deny it all day long, but he has a soft spot for cute kittens. Just ask Fish.”

  I do not! Sherlock is quick to bark. I hardly like Fish at all. His left ear hikes up a notch as if to contest his words.

  Well, I hope he likes me, she purrs. I know I like what I see.

  I’m about to lower her so the two of them can get to know one another a little better when the sound of agitated voices streams from the other side of the door.

  I take a quick peek outside, and just as quickly step next to the door as not to be seen. It’s Patterson and Hadley, and they look as if they’re having a heated conversation.

  “I can’t keep doing this with you,” she hisses. “And to be honest, I have better prospects on the horizon. If you don’t make something come of this quickly, I’m walking.”

  I bet Jasper is that better prospect.

  “If you want this to work, then I’ll need a little more,” he says, swallowing down the last word, and I can’t quite make it out. He’ll need a little more what? Time beneath the sheets? Money?

  “I’ve given you more than I care to admit,” she seethes. “I’m walking.”

  “You can’t walk. I own you.”

  Silence ensues.

  I bet she’s shooting daggers at him, just the way she was inside.

  Hadley flies past me, followed by Patterson who strolls on in before stopping right next to me. A touch of surprise takes over his face as he spots me.

  “Cheers,” he says, toasting me with his wine before knocking back his drink. “Here’s to all the beautiful women.” He winks as he walks deeper into the room. The man in the sweater walks up to him, and he seems to be telling Patterson something urgent.

  Before too long, Devan calls the room to order, and we all take our seats once again.

  “Okay, class.” Devan laughs as she says it. “Who here is ready for the grand finale? A foray into murder.”

  Patterson spikes out of his seat and a croaking noise escapes him. His face is a bright shade of red, then purple. He grips his left arm, then staggers into the center of our circle.

  “All right.” Devan gives a slow clap. “You win the prize for most dramatic reenactment. Now do us all a favor and die already.” She shoots Hadley a knowing look. “Some of us here would love to savor the moment.”

  Patters
on does his best to point a finger in her direction, but he doesn’t hold it up for a solid second before he collapses in a heap at her feet.

  The room grows quiet before the woman with the long silver hair breaks out into an applause, and the rest of the room follows suit. But Patterson doesn’t so much as twitch a muscle in response.

  Jasper hops out of his chair. “I don’t think he’s faking.”

  Both he and Leo dart over to the man and quickly check his vitals.

  Jasper shakes his head over at me.

  Patterson won’t have to worry about beautiful women anymore.

  Patterson Higgins is dead.

  Chapter 3

  “He’s dead?” Devan jumps to her feet and knocks the chair out from behind her.

  Georgie hops right out of her seat, too. “It was the green cookies!” she shouts and tosses Fish into the air by proxy.

  Fish, my highly talented cat, doesn’t merely land on the floor, she somehow swims through the air and lands right onto the back of the man who just bit the big one.

  The entire room lets out a horrific groan before a series of screams and sobs break out among us.

  “Georgie.” I shake my head at her. “There is nothing wrong with those cookies.” I hope. “You’re going to land the health inspector at the inn.”

  “You’re going to land the coroner at the inn—but then, you always do.”

  “I can’t argue with that.” I sigh.

  This isn’t our first rodeo with a body dropping to the floor.

  “Give me the kitten, Bizzy.” She thrusts her gnarled fingers my way and I quickly move Clyde out of her grasp.

  “Why?” I ask. “So you can throw her at the poor man, too?”

  Clyde hisses in Georgie’s direction—as she should. Cats are smart in general, but Clyde seems to be especially intuitive. Speaking of cats, I spot Fish all but riding on Sherlock’s back like the Queen of the Nile, right next to Patterson’s body, and horror upon horror, people are snapping pictures of the adorable yet macabre sight.

  What is happening?

  Macy steps our way and clucks her tongue. “Maybe if you threw more kittens at corpses they’d stop happening.” She shoves her fists into her hips. “Way to go, Bizzy. You offed another one. And to think you didn’t have the decency to wait until after I was through with him.”

  I can’t help but scoff at my ridiculous sister just as both the fire department and the sheriff’s department swarm the room.

  Mom steps up and wraps an arm around Macy.

  “There, there.” Mom tries her best to comfort her older daughter. “How about I help you set up a profile on Dating Not Waiting?”

  Macy squints over at the woman who bore her. “That meet-your-geezer match place?”

  “That’s right.” Mom pats Macy on the arm. “I think an older man will do you some good. They’re settled, financially stable, and experienced.”

  “What kind of experience?” Macy muses, suddenly interested in broadening her geezer horizons as they walk off into the crowd—and I’m thankful for it, too. That’s one conversation I didn’t need to hear the conclusion to.

  Georgie makes a play for Clyde, but the tiny tot uses my chest as a springboard and does an acrobatic leap through the air, cartwheeling twice before landing rather heroically onto Sherlock’s back as well, and the crowd around us breaks out into a spontaneous applause.

  “Oh my word.” I cringe at the sight.

  Clyde all but hugs Sherlock’s bottom with all four of her limbs while Fish spins around and swipes at the tiny tot with her tail.

  You saved me, Clyde mewls as she gives Sherlock a quick lick.

  More like he got in the way, Fish corrects. Come with me, we’ll head over to the cottage until this all blows over.

  I’m not going anywhere without this big, strong, handsome hunk to protect me. The tiny kitten looks as if she’s digging her claws into Sherlock’s hind end.

  Fish’s whiskers twitch as she looks around. What handsome hunk?

  Sherlock barks and offers that perennial smile he’s known for as he looks my way. I think she’s talking about me, Fish. I’m the handsome hunk! He does an awkward sidestep to his left and accidentally steps on Patterson’s head. GAH! Dead guy! I stepped on the dead guy!

  Sherlock’s body jerks and inadvertently launches both cats onto Patterson Higgins’ aforementioned dead body and causes the fur on them to rise to the ceiling. Both Fish and Clyde let out hair-raising yowls before bolting right out of the library, and I’m guessing right out of the inn altogether.

  “Sherlock,” I whisper. “Please make sure Clyde doesn’t run away. I don’t want her out there all by herself.”

  Fish most likely won’t care one way or another. She understands that cats can fend for themselves. And truth be told, I think her radar is up with that little orange kitten, seeing that Clyde is ready to pounce on her man.

  Leo jogs over. “What’s with the flying cats?”

  “Sorry. It was an odd sight, I know.” I crane my neck into the crowd until I come upon another odd sight. “What’s with the irate ex-girlfriend?” I ask, nodding over to where Jasper and Hadley look as if they’re having another heated conversation.

  “Oh that.” He grimaces. “Why don’t you take care of the inn? I’ll escort Hadley out of here.”

  “Are you hauling her down to the station?” The words come out with a touch too much glee. I can’t help it. I think every woman who makes a play for my man deserves to be behind bars. Not that she made a blatant play for him, but I’m getting bad vibes—and if I’ve grown to trust anything, it’s my vibes.

  Leo chuckles. “I don’t think she’s making a play for him.”

  I frown over at Leo. It’s easy for me to forget he can pry into my gray matter.

  “I’m sending her home.” He nods back her way. “I need to free up Jasper so he can get to work.”

  “Leo, you can’t send her home. She’s a suspect. And the prime suspect in my book. I heard her arguing with the victim. I don’t think she should be getting preferential treatment just because she’s the one that got away.”

  “Whoa. You’re going dark.” A stunted laugh comes from him. “Emmie,” he calls out as he flags down his other half. “Why don’t you help Bizzy in getting some semblance of order around here?”

  “Leo, you’re changing the subject.” My words come out curt. “I’m not letting you play into the fact she’s Jasper’s ex. I think someone should talk to her—obviously not Jasper. He’s far too close to the situation.”

  Leo squelches a smile. “Look, we have no proof this was a homicide. The guy may have had a run-of-the-mill heart attack for all we know. Let’s everybody calm down.”

  “I’m not calming down,” I say, taking a step in his direction. “And Jasper certainly doesn’t seem to be calming down either.” I glance his way just in time to see Jasper looking right at me, and if I’m not mistaken, he’s visibly upset.

  Jasper turns back to the woman before him and says something to her before taking off for the cluster of sheriff’s deputies.

  Hadley casts a glance my way. The hardness in her eyes assures me we won’t be friends anytime soon. She nods a moment as if agreeing with the fact before stalking over to the lanky man in the sweater.

  “Him too,” I say to Leo. “I saw that man that Hadley is speaking with arguing with the deceased as well. They’re both suspects.”

  “All right,” he says, nodding to Emmie. “Let’s get Bizzy out of here. I’m sure if this turns into a homicide investigation, you’ll be the first to know. You’re married to the lead homicide detective.” He pats me on the back. “Don’t worry about Hadley. She’s old news.” He takes off and I shake my head in his wake.

  “Old news?” I shoot Emmie a look. “She’s brand new to me. And judging by Jasper’s reaction to the woman, they seem to have a bit of unfinished business.”

  “Leo is right. She’s his past, you’re his future. You’re not an insecure pers
on, Bizzy. You’re just tired, and this entire fiasco isn’t helping. In fact, what can I do to help?”

  “Head to the front desk and see if they need anything. I’ll make sure things wrap up in here.”

  Emmie makes a face. “I see what you’re doing. And because I’m loyal, I’ll do what you want, but if I were you, I’d steer clear of that Hadley person until you’ve had a chance to talk to Jasper about it.”

  She takes off and I scan the room as bodies buzz back and forth. A majority of the crowd is huddled toward the back, and that’s exactly where I see Devan Abner talking to the most handsome man in the room, the one who just so happened to land me in a vat full of unexpected jealousy—my husband.

  Emmie is right. I’m exhausted. This entire event has been taxing from the get-go.

  I’m being silly. Jasper and I are fine.

  I thread my way over to where they’re standing and shed a pained smile to the blonde before us.

  “I’m sorry about your friend,” I tell her.

  “Oh, he wasn’t my friend.” Devan’s eyes grow in size a moment as if to annunciate her point. She nods up at Jasper. “If you need me at all, you have my number. Excuse me, I see a few of the regular members by the door and I’d like to speak to them before they leave.” She takes off and it’s just Jasper and me.

  The air between us feels slightly strained, and I shake my head because I’m positive it’s all in my mind.

  “Everything okay?” I ask with caution.

  Jasper’s gray eyes widen a moment as he looks deep into mine, and try as I might to read his thoughts, they’re not coming through. All I’m getting is strangled buzz, not the kind of white noise that I pick up on when someone is having naughty thoughts. I’ve always considered that a sort of override system that spares me from accidentally prying into anything too graphic, but this—this feels very much purposeful on his part—almost as if he’s struggling to hide his thoughts from me.

  “I’m sorry, Bizzy.” He pulls me close and lands a kiss over the top of my head. “I promise, I’ll tell you everything, but this isn’t the time or place.” He hitches his head toward the body on the floor. “I’d better get moving just in case this turns out to be something nefarious.”