by Lisa Heaton
He lowered his head and rested it on hers. “I’ll ask you for nothing more. You never have to look my way. Just give me back the right to love you.”
She moved her head away from him. “That won’t be fair to you. I can never be yours.” With her reminder, his eyes were so filled with sorrow that she had to look away.
“I know that. Loving you is enough; it’s everything. Give it back to me.” He grasped her by the shoulders and moved in closer, so close that his face was barely an inch from hers. “Say it, Isabel. Take back your command so I may live.”
She stared up at him. His eyes were pooled with tears, a sight that chipped away at her shaky resolve.
He shook her slightly, his face now so close that his lips nearly touched hers. “Say it!”
All she wanted was to relieve him of this pain. “I take it back.”
He moved in and pressed his lips to hers. “That is all I need.” Elias stood and left her.
***
Colin pushed his door closed just enough to hide his presence. Stunned by the sight he was seeing, he watched Elias exit Isabel’s room and stride like a peacock down the empty corridor.
Once Colin left his room, he paced back and forth in front of Isabel’s door for a moment, about to explode. He hadn’t confronted Elias simply to protect Isabel. If anyone would have heard them arguing, he would have no option but to formally charge Elias for his actions.
When he finally felt calm enough to enter her room, he found her fallen across the couch in front of the fireplace, weeping so loudly that she never heard him approach her.
“Have you been lying to me?”
She sat up and looked at him. “No, of course not.”
“I’ve asked little of you, Isabel, but the most important thing of all was that you not be alone together, not like this, here in your chambers.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He sat down next to her without speaking for a few seconds, staring straight ahead. When he did speak, his voice was barely a whisper. “Do you know what would happen if you were caught here together? That would mean a death sentence for you both.”
“I know. This wasn’t my intention.”
“Was he here waiting when you came in?”
Isabel nodded.
His tone was anything but gentle as he said, “I’m giving you fair warning. Until you deliver my child, you will either sever all ties with him, or I will send him to the farthest reaches of this kingdom. I’ve given you my word to never hurt him for your sake, but I won’t have this continue to go on under my roof, especially not now, with this reckless behavior.”
He jumped to his feet. “Do you realize the implications for our child if anyone ever suspects?” He stood glaring at her. “My son’s right to the throne would be questioned. I know you were pure when we married, and I believe you when you say you were never intimate with him, but no one else will believe that.” He threw his arms in the air and shouted, “If you don’t stay away from him for me and our marriage, then at least do it for our child.”
“I won’t see him again. I swear to you. This wasn’t what it seems.”
He squatted down in front of her. “Do you love him?”
“Yes, but –”
“Then it’s exactly what it seems.” He shook his head and laughed. “As I said those foolish things before, about us being a family, why did you let me go on? You should have told me that you were seeing him again. Is this some game to you? Because of the way I’ve hurt you, do you feel I deserve this?”
“No, of course not.”
Colin looked down at the floor and took a deep breath, then forced himself to look her in the eye. “I never thought I would say this again. But after this child is born.” He reached out to touch her stomach. “Whether it’s a boy or girl, I want you to move to the Deslan house. We can’t go on this way.”
When she began to cry at his words, he looked away and added, “I will take the blame.”
At that he stood and left her.
***
The following day Fina entered the commander’s office with note in hand. “How dare you do something so dangerous for the queen!”
Elias said nothing. He couldn’t since Fina was exactly right. From the moment he had left Isabel’s room until now, he regretted his actions. The fact that he had entered her private chambers at all declared him to be on the verge of sheer madness. Over the past weeks while they were apart, he had fallen into deeper and deeper despair. Only loving her again could prevent him from plummeting over the edge between life and death.
“Do you know what you’ve done?” Fina was nearly shouting. She took a deep breath and lowered her tone. “He has said he will expel her from the palace after the child arrives, that he will move her to the Deslan house.”
Elias stood and began to pace. “He saw me?”
“Yes.”
“Why would he send her away?”
“He intends to divorce her.”
Elias stopped mid step and turned to Fina. “Why, when he has approved all along? I know I had no right last night, but after all this time, why would he threaten to divorce her after allowing her freedom with me?”
“I don’t know. I just know he says he will no longer allow this to continue under his roof.” Fina handed the folded page to the commander. “You should have never allowed this relationship. You knew better.” Fina shook her head. “God, forgive me for my part in it.”
“I will talk to the king, tell him she had nothing to do with my being there.”
“No! Don’t say or do anything. Let him calm down. Just stay out of his way and far from the queen.”
Once Fina was gone, Elias opened the note and found only one sentence. I won’t dictate what you do with your heart, but for my child’s sake, please never approach me in private again – or at all. Based on that, he had to wonder if the king had threatened to take the child from her when he sent her away.
***
“I’m glad you’re back,” Isabel said when Fina returned.
All Isabel wanted was for this to be over, to find a way to smooth things over with Colin. What mattered most was that Elias never again do what he had done the night before. Her note was brief and intentionally curt, difficult to pen considering her heart for him, but it was what had to be done. Nothing was more important to her now than her husband and child.
“I gave him your note. Now what?”
Isabel forced a smile. “We plan your wedding.”
“Excuse me?” Fina sat next to her. “We need to come up with a plan.”
“I have a plan. I will pray that Colin relents. And while I do that, I will help my only friend finalize the plans for her dream wedding.”
“Isabel!”
“Enough said. I have spent my time here focused on all the wrong things. I have a husband whom I admire.” She looked down and said a silent prayer to keep him. “A child on the way, a friend who will be walking down the aisle in two weeks, and I plan to give my attention to those things.
“Forgive me for how I have neglected our friendship. Forgive me for being a horrible friend. Please allow me to make that up to you now.”
Chapter 26
For two weeks, Isabel had seen so little of Colin that she found herself feeling discouraged, fearing they might never find a way back. Many times she had tried to speak to him, only to be rebuffed. Even when she went to the court chambers, he denied her time alone with him. Still, she prayed.
Each morning she began her day in the chapel, and each morning she renewed her commitment to love her husband even while he was so distant from her. The night Elias had come, Colin had allowed himself to say and do things he never had before. To find Elias had been in her room had to be a defeating blow. Colin must now believe there was no longer hope for them.
He never arrived for breakfast those mornings. They did have supper together most nights, though some nights he wasn’t there and sent no explanation. On her part she took advantage of e
very occasion to be with him in the hopes that he would eventually discuss what had happened. When they had entertainment or dancing, she was always sure to attend, no matter how tired she was or how swollen her feet. While in the presence of guests, Colin was friendly toward her but rarely any more than that. Of course he was never unkind, but he didn’t have to be. His aloof manner was message enough.
Finally, that night was Fina and Phillip’s wedding and reception to follow. Fina had often complained over how elaborate the event had grown since Isabel had become involved, but it was clear to see, she was quietly excited over the elaborate event.
With every detail in place and the dashing groom waiting for his bride, Isabel sat in the front row of the chapel with her husband. From the corner of her eye, she often looked at Colin and each time found him smiling and at ease. Because he was, she was. The one time she dared to look up at him, he looked at her with a curious expression on his face and smiled what seemed to be a sad smile. From that moment on she could find no joy in the occasion. At least for Fina’s sake, Isabel kept a smile plastered on her face until her cheeks hurt, but Colin’s unhappiness stole her own.
“You’ve done a magnificent job for your friend,” Colin once whispered.
“Thank you.” She didn’t look up at him for fear of finding the same expression of sadness in his eyes.
“Are you well?”
“Well enough.”
She took a frightening risk as she reached over and took hold of his hand. When he didn’t move it, only then did she feel truly well.
The music seemed louder than usual and utterly maddening. For Fina’s sake Isabel pretended to enjoy herself as she moved among the people, greeting and welcoming them.
She had never seen Fina as happy as she was that day. They were to leave the following day for a getaway to the country home of Phillip’s family. Fina fretted about the possibility of the baby arriving while she was gone, but each time they discussed it, Isabel grinned and promised to wait.
At the moment Isabel watched Phillip guide his bride around the dance floor, and for a moment an explosion of joy erupted within her. If she hadn’t come to Kidian and befriended Fina, none of this would be possible. No matter the tumultuous times she had known in her marriage, for Fina’s sake it was worth it. If for no other reason, God had used her to alter Fina’s future.
Out of general habit, Isabel scanned the room looking for Colin. When she found him standing near that repulsive Eliza, Isabel’s hair bristled. Over the past couple of weeks Eliza had taken advantage of the fact that Isabel was seldom by Colin’s side. From across the room, time and again, Isabel had watched Eliza laugh an exaggerated laugh at everything Colin said. On occasion she would reach out and touch his arm. Never once had she seen Colin respond. If anything, he most often seemed bothered by her. That didn’t seem to be the case now. Rather than rolling his eyes as she had seen him do before, tonight he behaved differently.
Isabel watched as Eliza took a step closer to Colin and discreetly reached for his hand. Time came to a standstill. Colin jerked his hand from Eliza’s and gave her a stern look then glanced around to see if anyone had noticed. Eliza only laughed at him, as if knowing he wasn’t truly angry.
Colin had taken a mistress! When the realization washed over her, Isabel became unsteady and staggered as she made her way through the multitude of people. Her hope was to escape the crowd before she began to bawl.
She found Fina, and with fake smile in place, explained that she was exhausted and begged her friend to forgive her for leaving a little early. Fortunately, Fina was so caught up in the festivities that she didn’t see behind the mask.
Without a word to anyone else, Isabel snuck away, went to her room, and bolted the door.
Less than an hour later, Colin stood knocking at her door. “Isabel, your door is locked.”
She went to the door but didn’t open it.
“I am turning in for the night.”
“Are you ill?”
His concern hardly alleviated her pain. “No, just tired.”
“Open the door, please.”
“I would like to be alone, Colin.”
He pounded this time. “Something’s amiss for you to have left early.”
Isabel stood before the door with her head resting on the wood, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Please go, Colin. I just need to rest.”
To her relief, he finally gave up and left. All she could do was sink to the floor and cry out to God to undo the damage she had caused in her marriage.
She knew the truth. If only she had given herself the freedom to love Colin from the beginning without her own selfish insistence on being loved in return, none of this would be happening. They might not necessarily have the marriage she would have desired, but it would have been much better than where they currently were.
While she wouldn’t take responsibility for his choice to have an affair, she didn’t find herself surprised. Other than that afternoon in the meadow, they had gone months without intimacy, exactly as he had experienced during his first marriage. How could she be surprised that he would take a lover? He had loved Melody enough to endure her rejection of him. That wasn’t the case now.
Finally finding the strength to make it to her bed, Isabel knelt there and prayed rather than getting in. For hours she stayed in the posture of prayer, at times even dozing off and waking with her head nodding over onto the mattress. Some moments she cried out from a place within her that she never even knew existed. Ultimately, recalling a phrase that Colin had once used about what he saw in Elias, Isabel came to understand that she had allowed herself to know soul-crushing love. That’s what she was experiencing this night, a crushed soul.
***
Colin stood before the heavy door and took a deep breath. No matter Eliza’s flirtation and advances or his sometimes accepting behavior of it, Colin never believed himself capable of taking this next step, yet here he was. On more than one occasion she had found him alone and increased her attempted seduction. At first she was easy to dismiss with her giggling and silliness, but the more time he spent alone the more he considered sleeping with her.
When he was angriest about Isabel rekindling her relationship with Elias, Colin had allowed his stolen moments with Eliza to become more familiar. She would touch his hand or stroke his arm. Twice even, when they had the most privacy, she moved in to kiss him, something he didn’t prevent.
After the rejection of his wife’s barred door earlier, Colin deliberated Eliza’s parting invitation to come to her room. Why should he continue to deny himself affection when his wife sought comfort in the arms of another?
With that thought driving him, Colin lifted the latch and entered. The room was dim and while his eyes adjusted to the candlelight, he watched, mesmerized as Eliza removed her nightgown. His mouth went suddenly dry, and he moved in closer and stood beside the bed. She leaned on her elbow and gave him such an enticing look that he could only swallow hard. Other than Isabel’s grasping his hand at the wedding that night, he had not known her physical touch in so long. Of course he desired this willing woman.
The thought of Isabel was like a jolt of lightning to his senses, however. Here was Eliza before him unclothed, and all he could do was stare at her flat stomach, wishing she was Isabel. He glanced down at his hands and closed his eyes, imagining the feel of them on Isabel’s swollen belly. The memory of kissing her stomach and whispering to his child in the meadow that day caused his hands to tremble and his breath to come in short bursts.
“I’m sorry. This was a mistake.” He turned to go.
Eliza leapt from the bed, reaching Colin even before he could lift the latch. She wedged herself between him the door.
“This isn’t a mistake. Stay.” Eliza stood on tiptoes and tried to kiss him.
He grasped her by the shoulders and shoved her away. That blasted tune played in his head so loudly that he very nearly screamed. “You aren’t Isabel.”
She burst int
o tears. “How could do this, humiliate me this way?”
“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.” Without another word, he left her there.
***
Even before morning light, with lamp in hand, Isabel made her way to the chapel and sat in her usual spot. Cried out by this point, she simply sat and stared at the cross of Christ. Within moments revelation came, and she understood that God had indeed heard her many prayers. Unfortunately, He wasn’t offering the desired answer to her pleas. Instead, He was calling her to take up her cross and follow Him. Where He was leading was love. No matter her discovery over Colin’s mistress, she was still to love her husband with no hope of love returned.
This was a less difficult decision than ever before. Obedience seemed to come more naturally the more she put it into practice. Choosing to trust Jesus in a way she never had before, she mouthed two simple words: “Yes, Lord.”
***
Days after Fina’s wedding, Colin still wondered what had happened with Isabel that night. She had never refused to see him before or barred her door. At the time, he had suspected that maybe Elias was in there, but that wasn’t the case. Before going to Eliza’s room, he had wasted no time in finding out the commander’s whereabouts – which ended up being not with the queen.
Since then he had reconsidered the night with more perspective and less emotion and found himself truly grateful that he hadn’t acted on what he felt to be Isabel’s rejection. Had he slept with Eliza, irreparable harm would have come both to his marriage and to himself. He had never been unfaithful and he never intended to be, no matter the distance from his wife.
So what had transpired that caused Isabel to leave without a formal farewell as she would have normally done? Not only was her behavior unlike her that night, from that time on she wasn’t herself. Always kind and considerate toward him, just as she had been in the weeks prior to the wedding, there was now something about her undefinable. The word distant wouldn’t do at all. Any time she was in his presence, she was attentive and friendly, but he sensed that she was often far away. Before, all along the tossing and turning that had been their brief marriage, she seemed forever unsettled, but not now. There was a tranquility about her that caused him to want to be near her. A memory came, what he had felt the first moment he saw her: she cast a shadow of peace over him with only one glance. Her presence continually cast that same shadow now.
