by Lisa Heaton
This morning as he had exercised Isabel’s horse, pondering this new quality of hers, he found himself in route to Deslan. He felt the sea calling out to him, and his response was to go there and spend time alone in the place she loved most. Now, he found he longed to be with her and to try to mend what was broken between them.
Since he didn’t dare leave without doing so, Colin stopped in the bakery and ordered that tarts be made for his queen. While it wasn’t an easy task to get away from the curious Margaret, he made excuses to be gone and made his way to the shore.
When he first approached, he looked at the house they had agreed to build, but he didn’t go in since it only reminded him of his long-lost dreams of a happy family on holiday. He focused, instead, on the sea. At times, against his own intentions, he focused on God as well. The first time he had brought Isabel here, she had felt the presence of God. She said so that night at supper. His response to her was fresh on his mind today. It’s as if the sea draws you in and deepens your faith. He wasn’t so sure it was deepening his faith, but it might be attempting to restore it.
Finally, with an ever-present sense of heaviness, Colin sat on the sand and deliberated his current distance from his wife. To remain detached had been easier at first when he was still so angry – but not recently. Now, every moment apart from her caused a deeper sense of regret.
Over the past weeks, Colin had thought of Elias being in Isabel’s room. Though he had been blind with anger at the time, Colin knew she could have had no knowledge of him being there. She had even invited him in to stay the night. It was Elias – he had surprised her, but she was too afraid for Elias’s safety to say so. The fact that Colin had believed them to be seeing each other again had proven false. He knew her whereabouts every moment of every day now, so secret liaisons weren’t at all possible. She spent her mornings in the chapel sitting alone. He knew this since he had followed her there time and again, always wondering what her prayers were about. The remainder of her days were spent in what seemed to be aimlessness and naps. Now, knowing there was nothing between her and Elias any longer, he regretted how he had talked to her. He should have given her an opportunity to say more that night rather than shouting at her, threatening her exile, and walking away.
Colin hung his head, ashamed of his own reaction to his suspicions and jealousy over Isabel and Elias. Beyond what happened that night, he was more concerned with how he had allowed anger and hurt to drive him toward Eliza. Every step of the way, he had felt justified in his behavior with her. Now, the thought of Isabel finding out while she was carrying his child tormented him and caused him to keep his distance lest she know he was hiding a secret.
Colin let out a long sigh and tossed a small pebble into the turbulent water. He shook his head at his own predicament. Here he sat, having made a mess of every aspect of his life, when all he really wanted was the woman he continually pushed away. He was so full of regret over how he had treated his wife from the very beginning that he had to assume there was no hope remaining.
There, sitting before the majesty of the sea, Colin considered praying about it, that God would see His way to repair the damage. Why would He? Colin had asked Him less than politely to stay out of his life.
All Colin knew to do was to try to get back to some level of friendship with Isabel. Within a matter of weeks, they would be parents together. They couldn’t parent well as they were currently living.
One thing he was certain of was that he would never ask her to move here to the sea. Even in that heated moment he hadn’t meant it. Her presence, even distant presence from him, gave him more contentment than he would have ever believed when they first married. She was a part of him now, and he would fight to keep her, whatever that took.
Colin found Isabel on the garden bench as he most often did. His approach was intentional as he was now determined to make amends with his wife.
With a smile she took the bundle from him and placed it on her lap. “I’ve heard these are used as a peace offering.”
“I’ve heard the same thing. You will have to tell me if it works.”
“I can tell you already, it does.”
Colin sat a moment waiting for her to open her treats. “Aren’t you going to eat one?”
“No. I will wait until later.”
“Deslan wasn’t the same without you. Everyone was asking about you.”
“Are they all well?”
Colin nodded. “Seem to be.”
“I’m surprised you went alone.”
“I wished you were with me every moment of the trip.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “I can’t say that I expected that.”
“I’ve given you no reason to expect anything good from me.”
She only looked away.
“I sat on the sand and looked out at the water, wondering if there is any hope left for us.” He paused a moment. “I never meant what I said that night and only spoke in anger. I would never send you there to live unless it’s what you want.”
“Good thing since I would have refused to go.”
“So it’s not what you want, to prepare for a future with him?”
“No. That’s what I’ve wanted to talk to you about.”
“I should have listened that night.”
“You had every reason to be angry. I was willing to wait.”
Uncertain if he should, he took her hand anyway. “Talk to me now.”
“I wasn’t seeing him again.”
“Why did he come to your room that night?”
Her voice was soft. “Out of desperation, I suppose. He asked me to take back my command.”
“What command?”
“I had commanded that he let go of his promise to love me.”
“And did you rescind your command?”
“Yes.”
When Colin released her hand and began to stand, she reached for his arm.
“You can’t keep walking away. Please.”
He sat back down without looking at her. “I’m listening.”
“I couldn’t bear what I had done to him. He was so wounded. I thought that maybe rescinding the command would lessen his pain. But it’s only to love me from afar.”
His head snapped around. “Do you even hear yourself?” His words were louder than he intended, which caused her to jump.
When she looked up at him with eyes filled with regret, he softened his tone. “Am I just supposed to ignore the fact that he is always there lingering in the shadows, loving you, waiting to take you from me?”
“That’s what I want you to know. He could never take me from you. Even when you gave me the freedom to leave here, I chose to stay. I wouldn’t allow him to hold my hand or touch me because I know I belong with and to you.”
She bowed her head. “Now, I have to tell you something else about that night. I won’t keep anything from you.”
“What?”
Her face wrinkled as she fought the urge to cry. “He kissed me just before he left. That’s the first and only time.”
He sat without speaking for a few seconds. “And did you respond to him?”
“I don’t know what I did. I was so shocked by his presence, by the fact that he actually did it, I think I just sat there.”
Colin thought of Eliza, struggling to shake the memory of her lips on his. He had allowed her advances out of spite. How could he condemn Isabel for something she had no real part in?
When Colin remained silent, she said, “Elias is in my past. Even if he is in the shadows, I’m not there with him. I want our marriage to work, so I’m doing everything in my power to become fully yours. That night, you said you want to be a family. There was nothing foolish about that. If that’s still what you want, then it’s time you do the same, whatever that means for you. We at least owe it to this child to provide an intact family.”
Colin nodded in agreement. “I’ve spent the morning considering more than our future. I’ve thought about our past. From the very begi
nning it’s been this back and forth swing of a pendulum. We’ve been friends for weeks at a time then so distant we hardly speak. I don’t want this for the rest of our lives together, Isabel. I want stability with you, and I am willing to do whatever that requires of me. The truth is, this isn’t for our child; it’s for us. I think we can have more.”
“I do, too,” she said.
“Have you ever witnessed a landslide?”
“No.”
“I saw one once when I was traveling in the army. Just a small shift at the very top, a rock that hardly seemed menacing, created such devastation below. All that remained of an entire hillside was rubble.”
He touched her cheek. “Me sending Elias to prepare you was that less-than-menacing rock. Then when you found you needed him to survive me, it all came crashing down, everything we could have built. Now we are left with an entire pile of rubble to clean up. I did this.”
“The rubble isn’t all yours to claim, Colin. I’m so ashamed of the choices I’ve made.”
“I have come to imagine you back then, what your journey to your new life must have been like – a princess in her brother’s palace, having been chosen by a king.” He glanced at her then away. “You must have been so excited at the possibility of your future until it all was stolen from you.”
Colin grimaced at the thought. “I see how Elias would have fallen for you, with your tall-tales and infectious laughter. All were smitten by you – including me.
“When he told you of what to expect from our marriage, you must have been so disillusioned. Of course, with the commander offering his consolation, it was natural to place your heart in his possession. I can see how easily it must have begun.”
He leaned up and sighed. “How I have treated you since you arrived has only served to drive you closer to him. From the time I discovered you had feelings for him, I’ve wondered at my reaction to it, why I would allow it. At first I believed it was my way of lessening my own guilt. Then, I convinced myself that it was my way of bringing you happiness. Ultimately, though, I’ve come to understand. All along, it was my way of protecting myself from you and how you affected me.”
He turned to face her. “This damage I’ve caused was due to the sheer terror that I might know love and loss again.”
Colin moved in and whispered in her ear. “You, my magnificent wife, terrify me.” When she leaned into him, he said, “Close your eyes and imagine with me. Go back to the place where you first feared you would never be loved. Now, hear my voice in the distance pleading with you. Give me time. How can I not love you someday?”
When he released her, he smiled at the tender expression on her face. “Let’s start anew at that place. Can we do that? Can we begin to dig through the rubble together?”
She smiled and nodded. “Beneath all the debris, do you know what I’m certain we will find?”
“What?”
“Our own shade of love. It may never look like it did with Melody, but it’s not supposed to.”
“I like that, our own shade of love.” Colin rested his head on Isabel’s and sneaked his hand over to take her tarts. “Does our shade of love include sharing your tarts?”
Isabel moved them away. “These will be a nice bedtime treat. If you want them, you know where to find them.”
“I will be there.”
***
Once Colin was gone, Isabel replayed the conversation over in her head. His willingness to begin again gave her hope that she hadn’t known with him ever. Because he was prepared to carve out a future together, she hadn’t mentioned knowing about Eliza. The truth was, she didn’t know what she knew anyway, so it didn’t seem the time to make accusations. From the night she had witnessed Eliza reach for Colin’s hand, Isabel had seen no more reason for concern. Every moment that Eliza was present, Isabel kept her eye on her.
It seemed, as of late, that Eliza had a new point of interest, a man old enough to be her father, a rich father of course. Isabel was just glad that she had seemed to move on from her husband.
Since her talk with Colin she now felt even less suspicious of Eliza. Colin was settled on building a marriage with her, so she had no more cause for concern.
Isabel had waited for this moment. Without knocking, Colin entered her room carrying a tray with cups of milk. The sight of him caused her breath to escape her in one long sigh.
He grinned as he closed the door with his foot. “I will share mine if you share yours.”
“Gladly. I have only eaten one all day, but they have been whispering my name.”
He chuckled at that. “As long as you saved my half.”
Rather than approach her where she sat on the chaise, he motioned. “Let’s climb into bed to eat. Like old times.”
Isabel looked down at the sofa where she sat and considered that the last time Colin was in her room, Elias had just kissed her.
“I wasn’t sure if that would seem odd if I was waiting in bed.”
When she approached the bed, he grabbed her hand. “We are an unusual married couple, aren’t we? Not sure if we can sit in bed together and share pastries.” When she smiled and nodded, he said, “As king, I’m making this an official rule: We can sit in bed together and eat pastries.”
She laughed at him. “That’s funny that we need a rule.”
Colin climbed in first and moved to the middle of the bed as she struggled to climb in after him. He reached for her and helped to hoist her up. “For now, I think this is a good start.”
“It is a good start.”
“I get to touch your belly?”
“My bare belly?”
He touched her nightgown. “Absolutely.”
“I think I can accommodate that.”
“Now?”
“If you’re ready.”
He sat up and watched her. “I’ve longed to do this again.” The way she struggled to lift up her gown and keep the blanket in place without exposing too much caused him to chuckle. “You do know my history.”
“I do.” Before he touched her, she grasped his hand. “Colin, I would never tell you no. I want you to know that. I’m always yours.”
“That’s good to know, but considering I’ve done nothing but make a mess of romance, I think I will wait.” He paused and looked at her. “I haven’t done one thing right by you so far.”
“But you will someday.” She stroked his hair. “I believe that.”
“I will. I’m sincerely working on it.” With that, he lowered his head and kissed her stomach.
“Do you think of Katherine?”
“How can I not?”
“This must be painful for you.”
“No, not painful but frightening. The thought of losing you, either of you…”
“We will both be well.”
He moved to look at her. “You can’t leave me. Not now. Promise me that.”
“I want to promise you that.”
Colin pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her. “You have to promise me. Now that we are finally getting a grasp of this whole marriage thing, I need you to stay around and enjoy it with me.”
“I promise to do my best.”
“I will hold you to that.”
Chapter 27
After entering the main hall together, Isabel found little time to be with Colin. Many nobles vied for his attention while she was cornered time and again by well-meaning mothers, each wanting to discuss childbirth and their own experiences. Her child wasn’t expected for at least two weeks more, but now, after hearing countless horror stories, she feared they would be the longest weeks of her life and felt anything but brave. Already she was experiencing pains that made her terribly uncomfortable. They had been happening off and on for days, today being worse by far. Because Colin was so overly worried about every little thing, she hadn’t mentioned her discomfort to him.
For the time being, trying to stay away from any more stories of twenty-hour births, she moved about, hoping to make an excuse to leave soon.
Every few minutes, she would catch Colin looking at her, smiling her way, rolling his eyes and mocking whatever stuffy conversation he was caught up in. Things between them had taken an entirely different turn over the past two weeks. He seemed to be courting her – flirting with her, something she enjoyed very much. So this was difficult being apart, even in the same room.
At the exact wrong place at the wrong time, Isabel turned to find herself standing right before Eliza. Normally, she avoided her, but this time Isabel was caught and forced to make idle chit-chat.
While she didn’t care, Isabel thought it polite to ask, “How have you enjoyed Kidian so far?”
“I find it delightful.” Eliza’s eyes narrowed. “Literally, I’ve been treated like a queen. The king is a considerate and attentive man, but I suppose you know that.”
When her dagger reached its mark, Eliza grinned and tilted her head. “I see you are pampered like a queen as well. You look as if you might pop any moment now.” She looked down at her own trim figure and grimaced. “I would hate to imagine carrying so much extra weight.”
Isabel refused to allow Eliza to see how her words had affected her, so she smiled back in return. “To carry the king’s child, his only heir, is an honor well worth a few extra pounds. Since I’m naturally small-boned, I’m sure the weight will fall right off.” Isabel leaned in and lowered her voice. “When you’re bigger-boned like yourself, I’m sure you may struggle a bit more if you’re ever in this condition.” She frowned and sighed as if pitying Eliza. “Well, if you marry a man young enough to be a father that is. I’ve seen that you are spending time with George. I believe he is much more concerned with grandchildren than rearing a new family.”
