Jagged Heart (Broken Bottles Series Book 3)

by Taeuffer, Pamela

  “Then you also heard my response," he replied confidently. "I replied it was never love between us. If she was telling others she loved me, she never said that to me. If she had, I would've made sure she understood I only looked at her as a friend.”

  “Then Jesse would’ve been there last night. When we volunteered together last year in Yountville . . ." I stopped when Ryan's nervousness became visible. He shifted and wrung his hands as if he couldn’t decide whether to continue, hold me so I wouldn’t run, or plant his feet so he wouldn't run. “What are you so nervous about? You’re the one who started this.”

  His face flushed.

  You’re not used to being pressed, are you? It’s okay to question me and insist I answer your questions, but can you do the same?

  "How do you measure your relationships? Which ones are special? Someone you once saw regularly—like Jesse, you say you’re over her now, right?”

  “There wasn't, it wasn't . . ." He cleared his throat. "I never cared. I wasn’t in love, or . . .” He grasped for the right words.

  I finally shook him.

  “I know, I know. You were never committed to her. I’ve heard you say that a few times. You and her, you go all the way back to college and you were out together at every important event, I'm told. Even Frances said you were seen together a lot. In fact, Alex mentioned that she and Darrell ran into the two of you. Dana said you guys were like the king and queen of the damn prom, Ryan.

  "I'm supposed to brush that off? Obviously you made a habit of taking her to places where you’d be noticed—she meant something.” I continued to probe, and I admit, push. “Would you take me to any of the same places when you need to be with a beautiful, rich woman of society on your arm?

  "What can I really offer you in those situations? When the next woman comes along," my voice cracked. "Someone you want to see for a while, what do you say? ‘Sweetheart, you’re so special and like no one I’ve ever dated before’? Did Jesse hear the same words that I’m hearing now? Haven’t you really just tossed an invisible baseball to me?”

  “Yes. I mean no. Yes, I saw Jesse a lot at one time.” Ryan sighed deeply as if he were holding his breath throughout my discussion. “We had an arrangement. After college she moved here and—”

  “Wait—she followed you here?” Now I'm really nervous about her. “Was that so she could be close to you?”

  “I can’t answer that, exactly.” He scratched his cheek. “I don’t think so. We ran into each other—I thought accidentally. I’ve never considered anything more until now.”

  How naive are you—or maybe more appropriately, how naive do you think I am? Are you kidding me?

  “Jesse never called to tell me she was relocating here. I always assumed she moved to be near her brother. He’s an attorney and helped her set up her business. Between her brother and me she met a lot of contacts for her business.”

  “And thanks to her, you were introduced in society,” I added.

  “That’s . . . partially, yes.” He was careful in his response.

  “And yet, at the social event where you two you ran into each other, you didn’t waste any time, did you.” I laughed disgustedly.

  “It wasn’t like that.” Frustration wove through his voice.

  “Oh, no? How was it, Ryan? Others saw you both as loving. If you weren’t into her, why would other people misinterpret your signals? I mean, why start up with her again if whatever you were was in the past? You can’t fake love. Not to someone who saw you both together so often like Dana.”

  “How would she know?” he said angrily. “I put on when I was out, that’s all. If I went out with a woman, of course I treated her lovingly. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

  “I don’t know,” I waved my hand through the air. “You told me at the Embarcadero how careful you were not to show emotion in public, and now I hear how loving you were."

  "I never kissed or took her in my arms in front of anyone. You're the only woman I've kissed passionately in public." He tried his best to reassure me.

  "I don’t know what to think. I don’t get why either of you would continue with each other in that way. Why not get on with your life and try to find someone who really loved you?”

  "I have." His blue eyes were fixed.

  Stay fierce. Don't let him make you weak. Keep pressing.

  "Yeah." I stared right back. "Whatever. Now I can't be sure."

  “It was, I was . . . I wasn’t looking for that until I saw you last year. With Jesse, I had familiarity, some type of security—I don’t know how to explain it other than we were never exclusive.”

  “Seems like she was,” I snapped.

  “No," he snapped back. "She saw other people just like I did. I’m an asshole for this, but, oh, shit, I don’t know how to . . . you’re so sensitive about all this, and I’m—”

  “Just say it,” I insisted. “We’re on a roll, so let’s get it all out.”

  “It was that, um, her family is wealthy. Like you said, she introduced me to her society friends and associates.”

  Oh crap, is Alex right? He used her for money?

  “So you went with her for . . .”

  “No, I don’t mean that I wanted to tap into her family’s riches or use her for money. It was only to meet her family's connections so that I could make inroads with them. She wasn’t bashful about flaunting me to make a gallery sale, so . . .”

  “So you took advantage of her?”

  “We used each other for what we needed. I can say with absolute confidence, I never took advantage of her. Jesse benefited from me as much as I did from her.”

  “Is the art in your apartment hers?”

  “Some of it.”

  “And you had sex with her,” I pushed uncomfortably. “Plenty of times and over several years. Are some of those clothes in your closet hers?"

  "No,"

  "How do you know? Oh, wait. She had a special drawer and she can, um, grab something from the closet after taking off her gown from an evening at a social event with you and have sex?"

  "No." His voice was growing colder.

  “I get it now. She’s over here so often she just gives orders to your housekeeper on how to clean her clothes, where to send them, and leave them for her next visit?”

  Ryan's face flushed and his brows knotted.

  “If I asked Ross, ‘do you see Jesse, anymore,’ would he know who I meant? And oh, let me just get this straight—you have her art pieces here, easily worth thousands of dollars and you don’t see her any longer? That’s because . . .” I waited for Ryan to complete my thoughts.

  “Because I supported her as a friend, just as I expected her to support me as a friend,” he answered plainly.

  "Some friend. And yet you said she had art contacts already. So why did she need your charity?”

  “It meant something to be my friend, and—"

  "I thought so, too." I put my head down.

  "Nicky," he sighed. "It's . . . when other athletes saw I was a patron, they made their own purchases," he continued without wavering. "I helped her with her gallery events."

  "Yeah. What did she help you with? She—"

  "Listen. You've had plenty of time to express yourself and I've answered your questions. Let's turn the tables a bit. Jerry needs your support. Or another friend wants your help. Wouldn’t you be there for them regardless of having a physical relationship?”

  “Yes, but spending that much money just because you’re a pal?” I shook my head. “I don’t believe you. I'm sorry. I don’t believe any of your stories. I know that's insulting to say. I'm sorry."

  Chapter 36

  Settling For Now

  “Fuck!" Ryan raked his hands through his hair. "You have me turned around and I’m not explaining myself the right way.” He looked as if he were trying to figure out how to proceed, redirect, answer, and reassure me all at once.

  I was being hard on him—really hard. I needed to understand his past, and also his i
deas and beliefs with women. I wasn't sure I could. Why he was so casual and comfortable about all the sex he had—especially dismissing this important person he wanted to make me believe was no longer a part of his life—I couldn't understand it. I had to keep digging for answers.

  She seemed to be the only female he’d known from his youth—almost an anchor of sorts, like Jerry and I. Jesse was such a key to him, in fact, that he rekindled their relationship when she relocated. There was something hidden that he wasn’t admitting—either to me or to himself—I was certain of that.

  “Turned around or not, Mr. Tilton, I know where my friend lives and I don’t deny it or avoid his calls. I know what he’s up to and claim him openly and proudly as my friend, not an acquaintance or someone I used to know, the words you so conveniently use to address a woman from your past.

  "You've known her since college. In a way you grew up with her and because you've had sex, once you're done you can't remain friends? When it comes to women, it's sex or no relationship at all?"

  "No, it's—"

  "Excuse me. I have to understand why. You were so flustered last night you couldn't even stay at the table. In fact, you couldn’t face my way and could only ask Kevin to keep an eye on me."

  He hung his head.

  "I’m supposed to be okay with that? Come on, Ryan. Admit it. That’s more than just someone you used to see. Are you so torn apart you can't face her because you're with a new woman?"

  “That's not it at all. I stopped seeing her and anyone else I'd had a physical relationship with because of you."

  “You must’ve sent out hundreds of announcements,” I said coolly. “How did you ever afford the printing bill? I’m amazed the post office could handle it."

  "I'm asking you to stop doing that," he reprimanded. "I've asked a few times. You're making me feel like this discussion is a joke and you're discounting my feelings.”

  "Sorry."

  “Can we stick to the issue at hand without your sarcasm rising up to attack me?” he shot back.

  “Why? Seems like you’re used to rising up in a lot of ways, especially for your women friends—at least the ones who’ve left their clothes in your closet.”

  I don’t know why I can’t stop attacking.

  He let out a deep sigh.

  He looked at me without saying anything, as if trying to reboot.

  “I stopped seeing women to reassure you. I did it before I even knew if you'd agree to go out with me so that when you did, you wouldn't have to worry. I did it to comfort you. I don't believe it's good having a close relationship with her or any woman who's single. I understand what you’re getting at. I hear all your barbs. Shit, I feel them as they go through me. I'm not some freak on demand when it comes to sex. You’re the one I want with me."

  "Oh yeah?" My chin lifted. "From all the women I've seen trying to be with you, it seems like you're in big demand."

  “I’m not pretending to be serious with you or confusing lust with love,” he continued. “Since you've pushed me, I have to say it and you’ll have to listen. You opened this door, so . . ."

  Crap, I know I did.

  "No matter how good the sex was, I’ve never been in love—until now. I’ve had enough physical relationships to know the difference. I know what I feel for you and I’m not going to screw it up. Women will be around me. I have to meet people on behalf of the team at various events and at charity galas. There will also be women who are uninvited, like Tabitha. I’m saying—actually, promising you—I can control myself.

  "All you have to do is tell me you want me. Say you're mine and you love me. That's all I need to hear,” Ryan pleaded. “I won’t seek out a woman from my past, no matter how well we got along."

  "Is that the right thing to do?" I posed. "I'm asking, if you and Jesse are truly friends, all the way back in college, why cut every tie with her? Isn't having an anchor like that in your life, like I have with Jerry, a valuable one? What that tells me is either you can't abstain from your desire or there's more to it."

  I started to get off the bed.

  Ryan wrapped my waste and held me to his body.

  He kissed my lower back.

  "Stay." His hands squeezed me. "Let's finish this discussion."

  "Okay."

  “Hanging around the opposite sex invites trouble,” he posed.

  "You just said you're not a caveman and can control yourself," I challenged.

  "Yes and I can," he answered. "But why take a chance that you'll misunderstand a situation or she might? It's easier to stay away completely. Jesse and I had a business arrangement. I no longer need that. Our friendship wasn't deep like I have with you or Kevin."

  He began rubbing my back.

  "Let me pose this to you. If you think you know everything Jerry’s been up to, you’re fooling yourself."

  "No, he wouldn't—"

  “He’s a young man," Ryan interrupted. "He's eighteen-years-old, entering the beginning of his sexual life, playing competitive sports, and his hormones are raging. I know. I’ve been through it and I'm telling you it’s a strong urge. The biological pull of it is powerful. When I was his age, I was jacking off and having sex with any girl or woman who was willing—anything to get that feeling—it was all that was on my mind. Shit, every minute it seemed like."

  I can relate. I think about it night and day. Are we really helpless when it comes to desire?

  "Your so-called innocent friend, Jerry?" He shot a defiant look my way. "He's playing baseball away from his parents, right?"

  "Yes."

  "Dozens of young women are available to him. It's no different in summer league ball at that age. Girls, women . . . they're around. I’d bet money he’s not waiting for your decision while he’s away.”

  “And you could?"

  "Yes."

  "I’m sorry. I don’t agree. You're either a good person or you're not. You talk about how you control your reactions? Well, Jerry and I are close and he’d never lie to me.”

  Oh really? And yet . . . here you are, and at the coast not too long ago . . . maybe they'd never lie, but you're doing a fabulous job of it, Nick.

  Thanks a lot Evil Twin. Why won’t you shut up? Yes, I need to be honest. But I’m not like Ryan having sex all the time. I just wanted some experience—or at least . . . I thought it was what I wanted.

  "As soon as we were in trouble, you sought out a male friend. As soon as you felt your distance in LA, you ignored me and went out with Jerry. Isn't that right?"

  I turned to face him.

  We looked into each other's eyes and perhaps . . . our souls.

  Each of us afraid of saying the wrong thing.

  “Okay. You’re partially right. I admit it. Jerry and I—we were seriously thinking about having sex. I wouldn’t do that now. I only want you. Once I tell him, he’ll understand and we’ll just be friends. Temptation won't be in our way at all.”

  I hope so, anyway.

  “I appreciate your honesty, honey, but still . . . I’m telling you that it’s naive if you think you can be friends with a guy who wants you,” Ryan educated. “Men aren’t good at having women friends. At some point one of you will be tempted or he’ll overstep. It’s all friendly until it’s not."

  “Again, I don’t agree,” I practically crossed my arms. “And that doesn’t make my opinion any less valid than yours.”

  “I know it doesn’t. And I understand you don’t agree with me. You and Jerry have a vision of going to Stanford together and being friends forever. You'll find out for yourself, if we’re still together, it won’t work.”

  "That's because you've forgotten what it's like to be with regular people," I chastised. "Everything is either competitive or a sexual situation in your life. It's not like that with me and my friends."

  He took my hands in his.

  “Please believe me and give me credit for having lived a little. I know something about people." He looked in my eyes, his expression pleading with me.

&nb
sp; “You mean trust your instincts above mine?” I couldn’t hide the edge I was feeling in my comment. “I don’t think so.”

  “Your innocence is beautiful. I love that quality in you. I’m not trying to make you upset or dismiss your opinions. But yes, in this case, yes.” He took a breath and then gave up the discussion. “Let’s table this and pick it up when I get back.”

  “This isn’t over,” I warned. “I can’t let this drop and I won’t.”

  See, Nicky? You’re not as weak with him as you think you are.

  “Can we please hold on to the possibility of our today?” he asked sweetly. “When I come back, I’ll stay up all night talking it through with you; as long as it takes. Today, I’m leaving and we don't have the time. Won’t you please come to the game with me? Just give me a few more kisses before we move into our day.”

  No, I’m mad at you . . . I’m . . . mad . . . I’m . . .

  “Don’t you want to hold onto us a little longer before I leave?” His voice was breathy, shallow, and broken. Once again, he pulled me on top of his big body. He lifted my shirt off and his lips went into a pout. “Won’t you miss me, Nicky?” He kissed my cheek. “Don’t you want to see each other again before I have to go?” He kissed my nose.

  “Yes, I do.” I looked down at his face. Oh damn do I ever! "I'm having a tough time letting go. I need to finish this discussion. I can't have you leave while we're in turmoil."

  "Oh, baby." The northern lights seemed to fill his blue eyes. Waves of color sparkled inside them. "We're not in turmoil. It's a point of discussion, that's all. If we disagree, that's okay. It doesn't mean I'm going anywhere."

  "Okay." I gave in for the moment.

  We got off the bed and stood against each other.

  My breasts pressed against his chest. We breathed in long sighs, as if trying to come back to our center. The intense feel of our skin sticking together was static and little shocks of pleasure sparked between us. Our hearts beat with a desperateness that made me want to lie on him again and much longer than only the few minutes we had left together.