Seeking Daylight

by Becky Poirier

  “Matthew this is very precious to me, but if you promise to keep it safe you can hold it tonight and the angel will keep you safe.” Matthew smiled at me.

  “You really think it will keep me safe no matter what?”

  I smiled back at him and didn’t feel the least bit guilty for lying. “I know it will.” Matthew clasped the locket tightly in his hand as he rolled away from me towards Jane. I looked over at Seth who looked like he wanted to say something. He looked troubled. But instead of saying anything else he went back to his post.

  I rolled away from Matthew and tried to let go of the howling sounds in the distance. My neck felt naked without the necklace. It had only been mine for the past three years but it had become a part of me. I reached for it several times before sleep finally took over once again.

  Chapter Seven

  The next month went by painfully slow. No matter how hard I tried, it was impossible not to get to know the people I was living with. Matthew had already been drawn to me before the night we heard the demons, but after that he became my little shadow. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake him. Every night he asked me to hold my angel. At first I was irritated and wanted to deny him. It wasn’t like the demons had come close to our sanctuary since that night. But before I could turn his request down Jane explained to me that the night I let him hold my angel was the first night he hadn’t had nightmares. It was really annoying how people kept telling me their personal crap and made me care.

  Molly used to have nightmares too until I told her the angel was a real protector. How could I deny Matthew’s request, when I’d started the same lie with him? It was my fault. So every night I took the necklace off and handed it to Matthew. He always fell asleep within minutes. I tossed and turned more without it. I couldn’t really blame the restlessness on the silly necklace. Every time I tried to close my eyes; I couldn’t shut off my brain. I’d find myself thinking about the people I was living with and if my staying here with them could actually help them live a little longer. I cared about them. There was no denying that.

  It wasn’t like it had been with my old group. They had been family to me. I didn’t think I was capable of feeling that with any group ever again. But these people were my friends. And I wanted them to make it, even if I was determined not to. My resolve to end my life by massacring a hive had not waned. I’d promised myself and Molly. I always kept my promises. At least I always tried to.

  So I worked every day with Doctor Lee on my physio. He was impressed and said that in another week he was willing to consider a walking cast. So the deadline had been set. In another two weeks I’d leave here. I needed to be more mobile before I could gather the supplies I needed. I no longer needed anyone’s assistance to climb up and down the stairs but I still needed the crutches. It was hard to sneak supplies while using crutches.

  I’d convinced everyone here that I wanted to stay and that I could be trusted, everyone except Nina. She still watched my every move. Since I’d been here, she hadn’t left on a single scavenging operation, though I was told that she normally volunteered for at least two a week. I only hoped that she’d let down her guard by the time I was healed. With her around, sneaking the supplies would be next to impossible. No matter where I went in this building, she always seemed to be there. Just lurking in the shadows.

  I was working in the green house area today with Ginger and her aunt Helen. Matthew of course had insisted on tagging along. From what I understood Nina never volunteered in the greenhouse, but today there she was at the far end of the room pruning back a pumpkin patch.

  I sat down at the potato table pulling the spuds out of the soil. As I pulled one out I’d toss it to Matthew who stuck it in a crate. They were going to be dried for cooking later. This old soup factory was great for processing the food we grew. All the supplies and spices we could ever possibly need were already here.

  Once we filled a crate Cletus would come take it off our hands and move it downstairs for processing. I’d worked in the processing area of the plant before and much preferred the gardening work. It reminded me of working in the garden with my mother. Helen reminded me a lot of my mother. She looked nothing like her, with her raven coloured hair and olive skin tone. She was also a lot thinner than my mother, but then she’d never had children even though I knew she wanted them. No, physically she couldn’t have been more different. It was the way she gently guided Ginger to making wise, thoughtful choices, that reminded me a lot of how my mother operated. Working with her was both sweet and painful at the same time.

  Ginger snapped her fingers in front of my eyes trying to get my attention. She looked a lot like her aunt except her skin was a lot paler and she was much shorter. I blinked a couple of times and then realized that everyone was staring at me. “I blanked out again didn’t I? Sorry,” I blushed.

  Ginger chuckled. “You do that a lot. Anyways I was asking if you wanted to join us tonight for story time?” Story time was something they did once a week. The group would get together and talk about tales from their past. They said it was a way of keeping the ones they loved and missed alive. So far I’d declined.

  “If you’re not ready it’s okay,” Helen said glaring at her niece. “There’s no pressure and if you do join us you don’t need to talk.”

  I definitely didn’t feel like sharing but I also didn’t think it was a smart idea to listen. I was already becoming dangerously close to these people and getting to know them on such a deeply intimate level felt like asking for trouble. As it was I was terrified of how I’d feel leaving Matthew behind.

  “Thank-you for the offer, but I think it would be a more productive use of my time to work on Doctor Lee’s exercises.”

  Nina snorted off in her corner. Both Helen and Ginger glared at her. “You two really can’t see what she’s doing can you? She’s just buttering us all up until she’s better. Then when she’s ready, she’s going to steal our supplies and take off. I can’t understand why you all are too stupid to see it.”

  It took all my strength to contain myself. The last thing I wanted was for the rest of the group to clue in. It wasn’t like I could really argue with her. After all I’d looked over at the guns lining the window at least twice already. It wasn’t like I planned on taking all of them, but one would be useful. Of course I intended to steal from them, but I wasn’t going to take more than I needed, and it really wouldn’t be anything that they’d miss. Somehow I didn’t think that would be a good argument. I was in the middle of coming up with a witty retort when Matthew decided to speak up for me.

  “You’ve never given her a chance. We took you in and you didn’t look much better than her. We trusted you. Why can’t you trust her?” I stared at Nina. I’d never heard how she’d joined the group. I knew that she was the newest next to me but I didn’t know that she had been in need of them when they took her in. Somehow she seemed to me to be invincible. She glared back at me and then at Matthew. Clearly, she didn’t like being put in her place by a seven-year-old.

  Nina tossed the pieces of pumpkin plant she’d been pruning to the ground and rushed past us heading for the door. “You shouldn’t have trusted me either. I know a traitor when I see one.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked. Was she really outing herself as a traitor? She didn’t answer me as she huffed off down the stairs. I looked to the others for an answer to my question.

  Helen was the one to answer, though she didn’t look too happy to have to enlighten me. “I really wish she’d let it go. I think it’s often harder for us to forgive ourselves than it is others,” she said looking me in the eye. It was like she was reading into my soul and I didn’t like it. My eyes focused in on the harvest as I started working again. What I wanted to say but couldn’t, was that some of us weren’t deserving of forgiveness. I couldn’t speak for Nina, but for me I knew there was no forgiving my mistake. It had cost the life most precious to me.

  “She abandoned her family in order to save her life.” I looked u
p at Helen in shock, my mouth open. The potato I’d been plucking half stuck still in the dirt. “She and her family thought they’d found a safe place. She’d been the one to pick it out. They thought they were far enough from any hives that they wouldn’t have any problems. What they didn’t know was that a hive had settled into a mine less than five miles away. The very first night in the apartment building, they were attacked. She’d gone to bed early while her children and husband were in another room playing a game. When the screams came from the other room she knew it was already too late and so she ran.”

  “She didn’t even try to save them?” I asked. I knew it happened. In the panic of attack, people often thought of themselves first and others last. But I’d never thought like that. Maybe it was a part of my upbringing, but I never would have left my family without knowing I’d done all that I could.

  Helen shook her head. “We’ve all done things we’re not proud of,” she replied somberly looking down at her dirt filled fingernails. Her hands were shaking. I briefly wondered what guilt she could possibly be carrying. “In that moment, the fight or flight, instinct kicked in and she chose flight. She hasn’t forgiven herself, ever since that day. I think what haunts her even more is knowing that they’re probably still out there and if she saw them now, she wouldn’t recognize them.”

  A cold shiver ran up my body. That would be an awful thought to live with. At least I knew the ones I loved were dead and not transformed into soulless monsters.

  “Maybe,” Matthew spoke up with a voice of naïve innocence, “they can come back when Dr. Lee finds the cure. Then Nina won’t be so angry anymore.”

  I looked down at him and smiled weakly. He sounded just like Molly. She too used to dream of a cure. Even up until the day she died, she believed that someone would find a vaccine to prevent the transformation, or that maybe the transformed could be brought back. I’d seen the empty soulless eyes of the infected up close and personal the day I’d lost Molly. Nothing human remained. Even if I thought anyone were actually still working on a vaccine, there was no way anyone could save those who’d already been transformed.

  Matthew needed to be told the truth and so without thinking I opened my mouth to tell him. Jane walked in before I could say anything. By the look on her face I knew she’d been eavesdropping on the conversation for some time. “Matthew, Seth was looking for some extra help with the rain collectors on the roof. Why don’t you go help him?”

  “But Jane, I was having fun with Amber.” It took me a second to remember he was talking about me. I was still adjusting to the new name I’d given myself even after a month. Jane looked at him and then at me. For the first time since I’d come here, Jane clearly didn’t want me anywhere near Matthew.

  “Matthew, we work where we’re needed and they don’t need you in here. Go help Seth,” she snapped at him. A knot of guilt built in my stomach. That anger should have been directed at me not him.

  “Fine,” he grumbled as he walked out of the room.

  The moment Jane was sure he was out of listening range she asked Helen and Ginger if she and I could have a moment alone. I wasn’t so sure I wanted that. With the way Jane was looking at me, I was pretty sure I’d rather have a conversation with Nina. But before I could protest, Helen and Ginger were already heading out of the room.

  Jane walked over to the window and stared down at the street. She was looking down at the spot where I’d gun down those men. She turned around to face me sitting down on the window ledge. “What were you about to say to him?” she asked calmly, though I could see the vein pulsing in her neck.

  “The truth,” I answered without remorse. “It does no good to dwell on fantasies, having them can get you killed.”

  “Just like they got your family killed?” she questioned. I clenched my fists below the table, digging my nails into my skin to keep from swearing at her. All my life I’d never given into dreams or fantasies but the last few months of my life, I’d given into everything that I’d denied myself. I let myself believe in a life that was never going to happen. That dream had led to my sister’s death. But she didn’t have the right to know that. None of them did. That was my burden to bear. I’d learned from my mistake and didn’t think it was right for them to coddle Matthew the way they did. Doing so would only get him killed.

  “Lying to him will get him killed. There is no cure. No one’s even working on a cure anymore. The best we can do is survive.”

  “You’ve been here a little over a month and you think you have the right to decide what we tell Matthew or not? He’s not your son.”

  “He’s not yours either,” I replied bluntly. She looked as though I’d slapped her across the face. The knot in my stomach grew. It was a horribly cruel thing to say. She loved him like a son, and he loved her like a mother. Love had nothing to do with biology and it was wrong for me to imply otherwise. But I was on defense and when I felt like my back was up against a wall, so to speak, I often said stupid things.

  “No,” she finally responded through pursed lips. “He’s not, but he’s closer to me than he is too you. I’ve taken care of him since his mother died and you’ve just met him. You don’t get to make decisions for him. Especially when you’re not planning on sticking around.”

  I stared back at her with my mouth open stumbling to find a response. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I finally responded. The words sounded lame spilling off my lips, and I knew she wasn’t buying it. It was clear that she’d had me pegged for a long time. But I didn’t think she’d shared her suspicions with the others. She’d publicly defended me to Nina. It made no sense. If she didn’t trust me to stick around, then why defend me? Why not out me?

  “Amber,” she sighed looking at me with a look that said she didn’t for one moment believe that was my real name. I felt awkward and small with her eyes glaring down on me. It was almost like it had been when my father used to chastise me. “I don’t give a damn whether you stay or you go. It’s your life to throw away. You could have a life here if you really wanted it, but I don’t think you do. I see the way you dedicate yourself to your training.”

  “Maybe because being injured in this world is a liability.”

  “True enough, but that’s not why you’re doing it. You want to get away from us. I see the way you pull away any time anyone gets too close. Don’t get me wrong, I think you genuinely care for us. But not enough to stay and not enough to do what’s best for Matthew.”

  “And what’s best for him? Lying to him. Keeping him weak? If he’s to have a chance in this world he needs to know the truth and learn to defend himself. You know as well as I do that children in this world are rare. The only ones that survive are those that grow up fast.”

  “That’s what happened to you isn’t it?” she asked sadly. Her anger slowly faded from her face. “The way you were raised has kept you alive, but you’re not happy.”

  I swallowed hard, trying hard not to show emotion. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually been truly happy. I’d definitely had moments of happiness over the past few years, but they never lasted. If the world was the way it used to be, I probably would have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and probably a number of other disorders. But who could actually claim a clean bill of mental health these days? Jane probably would have said Matthew. But that was only because he was in denial. And I still believed the truth was better than a fake sense of joy. “Happiness is a luxury that no one can afford.”

  “Perhaps, but it’s not your right to take that from Matthew. He loves you and I know that you care for him, but not as strongly as he cares for you. You’re already going to break his heart when you leave, don’t go tearing it apart before you take off. He deserves better.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say to her. Maybe it was wrong for her to keep Matthew in the dark, but who was I to judge? Knowing the truth hadn’t kept Molly alive. Maybe Matthew’s ignorance was a blessing. When the attack eventually happened, and I knew it would, he
probably wouldn’t see it coming. Maybe it was better that way.

  Now that she knew she’d won the argument, she headed for the door but before she could leave I asked her one last question. “Why don’t you tell the others about me? Whenever Nina brings up the subject, you defend me.”

  She smiled back at me. “I’m pretty sure there are only three of us who actually see the truth in your eyes, Nina, myself and Frank. The others don’t want to see it. They care about you. And I wouldn’t want to hurt them by telling them that you plan on abandoning them, especially Matthew.” A fresh wave of guilt overwhelmed me. I thought she was going to leave me there like that with that last sting, but when she opened her mouth one last time she surprised me by saying, “But most of all Amber, or whoever you are, I still hope you’ll change your mind.”

  Chapter Eight

  I sat quietly pushing my meal around my plate, as the others all chatted away lively as they ate their food. It was a good meal. Cletus had shot a deer and so we were enjoying a delicious venison stew. Having real meat to eat was a rare thing, especially when you lived in the city. I should have been salivating to down my meal, but I didn’t feel the least bit hungry.

  My conversation with Jane kept floating around in my head and no matter how many times I tried to push it, out I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hated her for making me feel guilty about my decision. It was my life to throw away and how could she judge me for my choice, when she didn’t even know me? I’d lived long enough, lost enough, I had a right to let it go. I was done living in fear and it was wrong of her to try to make me feel guilty about it.