Seeking Daylight

by Becky Poirier

  “Where should we move to then?” I asked. Jane looked shocked that I had even addressed her and Nina was enraged that I’d dare speak up at all. “In case you haven’t looked outside lately, this city has seen better days. You wouldn’t be able to replicate what you have here anywhere else in the city. And travelling in the winter to find a new location would be suicide. You couldn’t possibly move everyone and all your provisions. We need to take a stand here. If we eliminate all the demons living in that building, then we’ll be safe.”

  “If,” Jane said back staring into my eyes, “if we manage to kill them all. If even one of the infected survive then we’re all dead. It’s too big a risk.”

  “I don’t think so,” Wes spoke up. “It sounds doable. We plant the charges after the sun comes up, seal up all possible escape routes and then blow them to kingdom come before the sun goes down. I say let’s go for it.” Kyle smacked his friend on the back in approval.

  “You two are total morons. Of course you’d be all for blowing something up,” Nina spat at them. “There’s more to it than that. We can’t even get a hold of the plans of that building. Without that it will be all guess work and I don’t think your best guess will be good enough.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence in our intelligence Nina,” Kyle said with a smile. “But as it so happens I grew up in this city and my dad worked for the Public Works department which was in another building a few blocks north of City Hall and they kept records of building construction plans there as well. Especially the ones undergoing construction, which our neighbouring building was under construction before the war broke out. So we can find everything we need there.”

  Nina glared at Kyle but obviously couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. He’d solved the main problem at hand. I’d never really seen Kyle as much of a strategist before, but maybe I had misjudged him.

  “Then it’s settled,” Seth said. “Kyle you and I will go to the Public Works building first thing tomorrow morning, while Doc and Wes start making preparations for our attack.”

  “Excuse me,” Nina interrupted. “I don’t think anything has actually been decided. We haven’t all agreed.”

  “We don’t have to,” Seth responded with more authority then I realized existed in his lean frame. Nina was twice as big as him and could probably take him if it came to a physical brawl. “I make the final decision. The only reason we brought everyone into this meeting was to decide the safest way to execute the plan.”

  Nina clenched her fists in frustration as she stormed out of the room slamming the door on her way out and muttering something that sounded a lot like profanity down the hallway. Seth just smiled and shook his head. I was smiling back at him. He was a man of his word and now that I knew this was really going to happen I felt more excited than I had in a long time. Wes and Kyle were busily talking over with Doc about the possibility of also being involved with capturing one of the demons when it came time to that. Seeing as I’d given up the location of the other hive, I hadn’t felt the necessity to hold out on the plans I’d found of City Hall. Luckily, the contractor’s office we’d looted had been hired to do some restoration work on the building.

  The two ex-military men were eager for a challenge. Being cooped up in a building was not their idea of living. They were definitely the thrill seeking type. Wes, Kyle, and Doc headed out of the room ending their conversation the moment they were beyond the door. The rest of the community wouldn’t be informed until the day of the attack.

  Seth smiled at me. “I told you we’d figure it out.” I smiled back at him feeling the strange warmth returning to my cheeks and it had nothing to do with the heater. Before I could come up with an adequate response, Jane came walking up to us.

  “Seth can I please talk to you…in private?” she asked.

  Seth shook his head. “Amber is a part of this group and she’s a part of this, so whatever you need to say to me you can say in front of her as well.”

  “Fine,” she said trying to control the irritation as best she could. I could see the vein in her neck pulsating. “This isn’t you. You don’t go blowing up buildings and killing the infected. You know we should be moving our group. You say you want to find a cure, then let’s find another way. We don’t need her assistance to do this. We were doing just fine before her.” I tried not to let her words sting, but they did regardless. “You and I know the only reason you’re going along with this ridiculous scheme is because of your ridiculous crush. Don’t go and let some silly crush on some stupid girl destroy what we’ve built.”

  This was only the second time I’d seen Seth get angry, but it was so much worse than the first and not natural on him at all. I didn’t think his pale face was capable of turning that red. He stood up and Jane backed away. I could see on her face that she’d instantly regretted saying what she said, not the stupid plan part, but the crush part and possibly the stupid girl part as well.

  “Jane you’ve said more than enough,” he said trying to gain control back. “We’re doing this because I think it’s the right thing to do for our entire group. If you don’t like it then you can leave.” Jane’s mouth dropped open. I felt awkward witnessing this. This was their quarrel and I shouldn’t have been a part of it. She’d been here far longer than I had. She had way more right to this group than I did. And unlike me, she planned on sticking around. I wanted to shrink away from the argument that I’d been drug into. If there’d been a way of discreetly leaving I would have.

  Tears started piling up in Jane’s eyes as she rushed out of the room. I was left there alone with Seth not knowing what I was supposed to do. The door swung closed and Seth smashed his fist into it so hard, that he left a small dent in it. He instantly regretted it. I hobbled over to him on one foot as he attempted to shake the pain out.

  “Let me see it,” I said.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Will you just let me see it already you big baby?” Hesitantly he placed his hand in mine. I gently ran my fingers over his hand. His knuckles were red and a couple were cracked and starting to slowly bleed. “You should get Doc to check it. Make sure you didn’t break anything. Trust me you don’t want to end up in a stupid cast,” I said trying to lighten the situation. I looked up into his eyes and realized I’d held onto his hand much longer than was necessary. I let it go.

  I hobbled back over to where my crutches were. But before I could make my escape Seth blocked my path. “We should probably talk about what Jane said.”

  “That’s not necessary. I always knew once she found out it was my plan she wouldn’t be for it,” I replied trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Unfortunately, he wasn’t going to let me get away with it.

  “That’s not what I meant,” he said with an awkward smile. Of course it wasn’t. Looking into his eyes now it was so obvious. It was strange that it had taken the ghost of my sister to point it out to me. His eyes were practically piercing through to my soul and I didn’t want him to see me. Not the real me. The real me wasn’t something I even wanted to know but his eyes were intoxicating. I had to look away in order to come back to my senses. Whatever I felt was just hormonal, it wasn’t real. Love wasn’t real. It never had been.

  “You don’t need to be worried about what Jane said. I didn’t take it seriously,” I lied. The room was feeling much warmer now, almost like I was standing far too close to a campfire. I tried to move past him but he wasn’t budging.

  “Why wouldn’t you believe her?” he asked.

  I stared back at him, though I made sure to avoid direct eye contact this time. “Because I haven’t exactly been the nicest person, so anyone having a crush on me would be silly.” I tried to laugh it off. He wasn’t laughing. I was trying desperately to look anywhere but his eyes, but I kept being drawn back to them. He was equally as distracted by mine. I used this to my advantage and scooted past him towards the door. He rushed back over in front of me and put himself between the door and myself. “Really Seth it’s okay, we don�
�t have to have some awkward conversation.”

  “You’re right you know?” He said confusing me.

  “About what?”

  “You are mean, rude, dismissive, deceitful. You make it nearly impossible for anyone to actually like you.”

  “Wow, okay, glad to hear it. Can you move already then so I don’t waste anymore of your time?” My chest was pounding and there was this strange burning sensation in my eyes. It took me a moment to realize I was actually about to cry if I didn’t get away from him.

  “No,” he replied, “I’m not finished. You’ve done everything in your power to push us all away, especially me.” He stared at me with this strange look that didn’t add up to what he was saying. “But I get it, I get you. You’ve lost someone that meant everything to you. And now you don’t want to risk getting close to anyone else. I get you because I was you.” I started to shake a little from the effort to keep my emotions from showing. It took all my strength to keep a hold of my crutches.

  “You don’t know me. No one here actually knows me. And you couldn’t possibly know what I’ve been through.”

  “I lost my little brother,” he said. “And my mother, both on the same night. We’d managed to go it on our own for nearly a year after the plague started. We’d been separated from my two step-brothers and my step-father. They were in another part of the country. So it was just the three of us. I was only sixteen at the time when the infected attacked our sanctuary. My brother died less than a few hours later. He had a rare blood disorder.” There was little known about how the virus worked, but the one thing we knew was that if you had a life-threatening illness the infection didn’t transform you. It killed you.

  Seth moved away from the door back over to one of the chairs and collapsed in it. My escape was easy, but I couldn’t take it. Looking at Seth I could feel his pain. My dad had told me when I was young that my empathy was a weakness in this world. That it would get me killed. I needed to shut it off. And for years I managed to do just that. But this last year had opened up old parts of me that I thought were long dead.

  “My mom decided that she didn’t want to turn so she took her own life. After… I left with the only other survivor in our group.”

  “Doc?” I guessed. They had always seemed close and now I knew why. Seth nodded.

  “So even though you haven’t told me your story, I can guess it well enough because when I look into your eyes, I see myself right after it happened. I hated everyone, including Doc. I tried everything I could to push him away, but he didn’t go anywhere. It took time, a lot of it, but I eventually found a reason to live. And I know you’ll get there too. You just have to give yourself time.”

  I looked down at him as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I don’t want to get over it. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to…”

  “Live?” he said as he stood up directly in front of me. “You made that pretty clear the day after we met. And I get it. For a long time, I felt the same way. You just need to find something to live for,” he said leaning in. Before I could even react his lips were pressed against mine. As he kissed me my mind raced trying to get a grasp of what was actually happening. How had we gone from arguing to him actually kissing me? And then it took time for me to figure out whether or not I even wanted him to kiss me. A strange feeling fluttered inside me. This wasn’t the first time I’d been kissed. Alex and I had kissed a lot and done way more that that. But it had never felt like this. This kiss made my head spin. And for a moment, I wanted his lips on mine. I even kissed him back. But that moment passed real fast.

  I pushed him away hard nearly knocking him off balance. My head still spun; my stomach was filled with butterflies. I didn’t want to feel like that. I couldn’t feel like that. Just as quickly as the strange symptoms had come on they vanished. Rather than looking hurt by my rejection, he looked confused. “Wow you think you’re going to be my something to live for. You must have some ego,” I said with as much irritation as I could muster. The last thing I wanted was for him to suspect I actually liked any part of the kiss.

  “No that’s not how I meant it…” he stumbled trying to fix his obvious mistake. “It’s just that I feel something for you, and I know you…”

  “No you don’t know what I feel. If you did you would know that the last thing I need right now is someone telling me they care for me. They want me. I’ve heard it before.” I was practically shouting at him. In the back of my mind I knew he wasn’t really the source of my anger. But that person wasn’t here to yell at. Seth was. “And it was a lie then. I was fool to believe in happily ever after then and I will not play the fool again. There are no happy endings anymore. We get to live for a little while and then we turn or we die. That’s life now. I won’t go living in the clouds again. Doing that was what got her killed in the first place,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

  Seth was looking at me with a look that both said he was mortified by his actions and he felt sorry for me at the same time. I hated it. And most of all I hated how everything I’d said to him didn’t change how he felt about me. If I doubted that he had genuine feelings before now, there was no doubt anymore. This wasn’t just some crush as Jane had called it. He actually loved me or was at least well on his way. The fool was falling in love with me. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to get out of there.

  I rushed for the door and nearly stumbled onto my cast as I fumbled to open it. Seth was right there holding it open for me but at the same time trying to get me to stay. “Please,” he pleaded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I wasn’t thinking straight. Please just stay and we can talk. I’m sorry. You’re right. I didn’t understand.”

  I shook my head as I looked into his eyes. “Let’s just keep things purely professional from now on,” I said coldly. My words hit him like a cold bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head. He stood there numb, as I crutch hopped away down the hallway, all the while my heart felt like it was tearing in two all over again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Well I’d succeeded in one thing. Seth was no longer making goo-goo eyes at me. In fact, he didn’t look my way at all anymore. For the next week as plans were being made he barely even acknowledged my existence. I wasn’t really included in much of the planning anymore with the exception being if they needed some information from me.

  Strangely enough I actually wanted the goo-goo eyes back. I missed the way he looked at me, the way he smiled anytime I entered the room. It made no sense. I wasn’t staying, there was no relationship to develop. But I couldn’t shake the knot in my stomach whenever our eyes met and he quickly looked away. I’d rehearsed my apology speech in my mind so many times. But even if he had given me an opportunity to give it, I wouldn’t have. It was better this way. When I was gone it was better that he hate me, then think he was in love with me.

  I’d distanced myself from Matthew also not that it was hard with Jane doing her best to keep the boy busy. He kept trying to sneak away from her to come and visit with me but I no longer allowed it. The last time he tried I threatened to tell Jane about what he’d been doing and specifically how he’d tried to sneak into the truck the week before. He’d run off with tears in his eyes and I hated myself all the more for it. It didn’t matter that it was a necessary evil. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I’d already grown way too attached to these people.

  I was finishing up the dishes with Frank trying not to cry over hurting Matthew yet again. I liked working with Frank. It was funny because my parents often had to yell at me just to do the dishes before I’d actually do the chore. But here I found it to be actually pleasant. It was an escape. Frank liked to work in silence, so it was a time for me to reflect. Today he wasn’t being his usual silent self.

  “You did the right thing,” the old man said. I looked up at him confused not only by the fact that he was speaking but also by what he’d said. “It’ll be easier for the kid when you’re gone.”

  He piled a coupl
e more dishes in the drying tray for me. The way he’d said it was completely matter of fact, like it was a simple thing that was already understood. How many people had figured me out? Maybe I wasn’t as good an actor as I thought.

  “What do you mean?” I asked trying to play dumb though he’d clearly caught my mouth hanging open. He just shook his head and smiled causing the wrinkles around his eyes to grow deeper.

  “The others may not have figured out your plan yet but I know you intend to go down with the ship, so to speak.” I looked into his old grey eyes and I could see that he saw right through me. Some of the others knew I planned on taking off, but I was positive none of them had figured out that I planned on killing myself in the explosion. But Frank had.

  The rest of the group had been let in on what was going on the night before. Today was the day we were going to blow up the building. And Frank was right. I’d made up my mind that I was going down with it. This was going to be the last day of my life. I’d even snuck a couple sticks of dynamite to blow up myself with the infected. Of course, the building would go with the dynamite the others were going to use, but I wanted to insure my death was quick. I’d made sure that I held up my end of the bargain though. With my things I’d left a letter laying out what I thought would be the best place to run the experiments and I even came up with a couple scenarios for capturing the infected to experiment on.

  These people were good people. It hadn’t taken me long to figure that out. And no matter what I thought, about whether it was worth fighting or not anymore, I wanted them to have a chance.

  “Have you told anyone else your theory?” I asked. In his smile I already knew the answer. I stretched up placing the last of the dishes in the cupboard as Frank pulled the drains to the sinks.

  “My dear I believe there is very little we get to control in our lives now a days, but the way we choose to live and die, should be our own. I don’t judge. I only wish I had the courage to go with you.”