“You could come with me you know,” I offered. It would be kind of nice not to be alone in my last moments. The moment the words crossed my lips I realized how selfish that was of me.
“Trust me, I was up all night thinking about it,” he said after a long pause. “I knew your plan the moment Seth told me they were going to destroy the hive. It’s been in your eyes all along. You never intended to be a survivor, you just wanted to die in a way that had meaning. I can respect that. And for a long time I’ve been questioning my own mortality and whether I want to keep going.”
“And what did you decide?” I asked curiously.
“If there’s even the slightest possibility that I could be with my wife as she was before the infection, then I owe it to both of us to keep living.” I smiled back at him. He wasn’t as naïve as some of the others. He knew the chances of finding a cure were slim to none. But he did have someone out there, that if it were possible to bring back, he could be reunited with her. There was no such person for me. My parents were dead, my sister was dead, and even though I hated him for making me love him I mourned Alex as well. Alex of course was probably alive and well but the love I’d shared with him was dead and that felt a lot like the same thing. It didn’t matter how you spun it; I was alone. This was for the best.
“Well in that case,” I said laying my towel out on the counter to dry. “I hope Doc is successful.”
Frank surprised me then by pulling me into a hug. Before he let me go he whispered in my ear. “You could always change your mind. Just think about it,” he said pulling away. And then he left me alone.
There was nothing to think about. The longer I delayed the inevitable the harder it got. It was now or never. And I couldn’t face a lifetime of Molly’s ghost torturing me over my failings. She’d practically screamed at me every night, throwing image after image, memory after memory at me. It was like being shaken continually. If she was trying to stop me from ending my life, she was doing a lousy job.
This last week of dreams had been the worst. Not only was she throwing the past at me, she kept forcing me to relive my current screw-ups. She particularly enjoyed making me relive my last awful conversation with Seth. I don’t know if she was trying to change my mind or push me over the edge. I didn’t know what she wanted from me. All I knew was that I couldn’t take it anymore. Every night I saw her face, only forced the pain back on me. Even if I’d wanted to move on, she wasn’t letting me do that. I needed to be with her again. I didn’t know if that was possible. I’d once believed in Heaven. That was before my mom died. Without her to reinforce its existence, I slowly stopped believing. But with Molly’s constant presence I started to believe that maybe it was real. Maybe we could be together again. But if there was nothing after this life, then death would still be a release.
There was only one last thing to do before I left to help the others. I needed to get this nasty cast cut off. Today I was going to get my walking cast. It was the only thing missing to make it possible to pull off my plan. While the dynamite was being placed around the building I planned on sneaking off. That would be pretty difficult given my current condition. Doc had tried to delay the change in cast because of all that was going on. He thought we should be focusing on the task at hand. But I’d insisted it was the only way I could actually be of use. After a lot of back and forth, he finally agreed.
As I walked down the cold hallway to the medical room I couldn’t help the nervous butterflies that bubbled up in my stomach. I’d been waiting for this day for so long and now that it was actually here it felt a little strange. I was going to miss this place, these people.
The medical room was on the lower level of the factory, just past the washrooms. It was in one of the giant old coolers that had once been used to store some of the soup ingredients prior to processing, back in the days when this factory was functional. Now the group had converted it into a medical bay with sound proofing in order to be able to perform procedures, such as fixing a broken ankle without having the screams attract the attention of the infected.
Doc was waiting for me when I got there. A hospital bed had been added to the room. When my injuries had been fixed, they didn’t have a bed. It was a just mattress on the floor and a few crumby tools. A couple of raids later and Doc was practically back in his old E.R room. With the exception of the concrete walls covered in pink insulation and the cold floors, it pretty much looked like a hospital room.
I hobbled my way over to the bed and hopped up on it. Doc took my crutches from me. “Won’t be needing these anymore,” he smiled as he took them to the door of the room and placed them outside. There was something strange about the way he smiled, like it was forced but I didn’t focus on it. I was too excited to be free of the nasty itchy cast.
“My armpits will be glad to be rid of them,” I replied. “You’d think after nearly six weeks on those things I’d adjust, but I haven’t. I’m so ready for this. So how do you get this stupid thing off?” I asked pointing at my cast.
Doc walked over to his make-shift medical counter and started organizing some tools. I was curious about what he was doing so I never even heard someone else come into the room. “He doesn’t,” Seth answered from the doorway.
I looked at him both confused and relieved that he was actually talking to me again. It took a moment for me to actually clue into what he was saying. “What do you mean?” I asked, as I finally grasped what he’d said.
“The cast isn’t coming off today,” Seth replied with a painful look on his face. He was holding up a piece of paper. I focused on it for a moment before realizing what it was. It was the note I’d written and hidden in my pillowcase.
My face grew hot. I could feel a strange throbbing in my head. “You had no right to go through my stuff,” I snapped angrily.
“He didn’t,” Doc replied, “the dynamite’s also been returned to its proper place.” My cheeks flushed as I gripped the mattress of the bed. If either of them had been in reach they would have felt my fist connect with their face.
“Give me my crutches back,” I demanded through gritted teeth.
“No,” Seth responded simply. “Doc do you think you could give us a moment alone?”
Doc took one look at me before shaking his head. “I’m sorry Seth. I don’t trust this one not to hurt you.”
I rolled my eyes at him. Yes, I felt like my privacy had been invaded and my initial reaction had been to lash out but that wasn’t my ultimate goal. The only person I really wanted to hurt was myself and the demons of course. But that’s what they were planning on doing all along. Seth looked at me sadly with a compassion that only infuriated me all the more. “We’re only trying to help you. It’s what we’ve been trying to do all along.”
“Seriously,” I laughed, “more like you’re trying to control me. I was honest with you the very first day, when I told you I didn’t want to live. You didn’t listen. It’s my choice. The only thing holding me back from doing this sooner, was this blasted cast.”
He looked at me sadly. “I’d hoped,” he replied bridging the gap between us, “that if you had time to heal, that you’d realize you don’t need to die. You can have your revenge. We’re still going to give that to you. We’re still going to blow up the building.”
He still didn’t get it. This wasn’t just about revenge. Truthfully, I never could really get revenge. I had no idea which hive actually attacked us. I’d already killed the demon who attacked Molly. I could kill as many demons as I wanted and still never be free from the guilt. What I wanted was to make this world slightly safer for people like Molly and Matthew. And I wanted to end my life in the process. It was a simple thing to grasp. Frank understood but neither Doc nor Seth were looking like they were any closer to truly getting it.
The doctor grunted over by his counter not looking at either of us. “If the others knew why she wanted to do this, it wouldn’t be happening. She should be grateful we didn’t rat her out, especially to Nina. She’s already p
issed at the resources we’ve used on you. If she knew, she’d probably try to release you on her own in the middle of the night, with nothing to defend yourself. Then you’d never get your petty revenge.”
The rage inside me was building. If I didn’t get out of here soon Doc was right, I was going to hurt someone. They had no clue who they were even dealing with or what I’d been through. They had no right to judge me or try to control my decision. “Petty!” I yelled at him. “You don’t have a damn clue what I’ve lived through. And if it were just about revenge I would have taken off, cast or no and left you guys to deal with the hive like you were planning and then you’d all be dead. But no, I decided to help you because…”
“Because of Matthew,” Seth finished my sentence. It wasn’t just because of Matthew. In the beginning he’d been one of the only ones I’d cared about. It was impossible not to love him. But the others mattered to me to. “I get it. You want to protect him like you couldn’t protect…”
“Stop it,” I practically screamed. Even with the sound proofing I doubted very much if the whole community hadn’t heard me. The longer we talked, the more I realized that they weren’t going to let me anywhere near the hive today. Everything I’d been waiting for was now being ripped from me. The anger inside me grew but it wasn’t just anger anymore. All the pain I’d been holding back was surfacing and I couldn’t stop it from coming out.
“Just stop pretending like you know how I feel because you don’t. You may have lost your family but you didn’t have to kill them. You didn’t shoot your dad in the head after he came home full well knowing he was infected. Then you didn’t stuff your feelings down as you left your mother to die, so that you could comfort her because she was your responsibility now. Then after all that time protecting her you didn’t screw up so badly that she got bitten when it should have been you. And it wasn’t you she begged to kill her before the infection took over. You didn’t practically raise her like she was your daughter, care for her, protect her and then fail her all because you were too stupid to see that you can’t trust anyone. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have trusted them. I shouldn’t have trusted him. I got her killed. She was my responsibility I was supposed to protect her.”
The tears I’d been holding onto since the day I injected her with that lethal dose of morphine, flooded down my cheeks. I couldn’t contain them anymore nor the anger that flowed through me. My body shook uncontrollably. The only thing worse than losing control in front of Doc and Seth was the way they were looking at me now.
Seth had looked at me with compassion from the very beginning. It was part of what annoyed me so much about him. It was strangely also what was sparking this horrible attraction to him. But he wasn’t the only one looking at me with compassion. Doc no longer looked angry with me. He looked just like Seth, like he was finally seeing me and he pitied me. And I hated him for it.
“Stop it,” I screamed again. “Stop looking at me like that.” If it weren’t for my stupid ankle I would have run out of the room, out of the building and far away from the two of them. I hated my cast. I hated them and most of all I hated myself. I hated how weak I was. This wasn’t me. I’d always been the strong one, I needed to be. Despite all my efforts, I couldn’t rein in the emotions. They were in control now.
“Calm down Amber,” Doc said with annoying kindness in his voice.
“No I won’t calm down. I have to do this. I promised her. I promised her I’d protect her and I failed. She was supposed to be safe. I have to do this for her, for Matthew. I have to make the world safer. And I have to be in the building when it goes down, because I just can’t take it anymore,” I was rambling like a lunatic and I knew it. The poor guys were staring at me like well…men. They were completely clueless as to how to react to my nuclear meltdown.
“It’s okay, Amber. We’re going to remove the threat. Matthew will be safe, but we can’t let you be there,” Seth said.
They weren’t getting it. They kept saying they understood, but how could they possibly understand? The tears burned as they flowed freely. “No you don’t understand. I have to do this. To make it stop. To make them stop.”
“What are you talking about?” Seth asked in a calming voice, the kind you’d use when speaking to a child throwing an over the top tantrum. Before I could answer I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I looked over to see Doc removing a needle from my skin. “You were supposed to wait,” Seth said shooting Doc a dirty look.
“She was hysterical. Something needed to be done to calm her down.”
“What did you do?” I asked but I already knew the answer. He’d given me some sort of sedative and a fast acting kind too because I was already feeling the effects. A fog was taking over making it difficult to form thoughts. Seth and Doc both helped to lower me down on the bed, so my head landed softly on the pillow. Seth lifted my legs onto the bed, as Doc raised the bar up beside me.
“You can rest now,” Doc said brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes. “And when you wake it will be done. You’ll be safe and then we’ll talk. You were right. I didn’t understand and I’m sorry,” he said patting my arm. “I work so hard to heal the outside, that often I forget that there’s much more to being a healer than just applying a bandage or setting a broken bone.”
Doc moved away as the room grew fuzzy. Keeping my eyes open was now a struggle. I needed to stay alert. I needed to go. I needed them to understand. “I have to be there,” I mumbled. It was getting hard to focus but the determination was still there. I briefly wondered how pissed Nina would be that they’d wasted more medicine on me. And then as I looked at Seth my mind wondered to the way his lips felt against mine that day in the office. But no, there was something I needed to be awake for. There was a reason. But the world was fading fast and I couldn’t concentrate.
Now Seth was by my side. “No, that’s the last place you need to be. You may hate me now, but I really am just trying to protect you. I know you don’t believe me, but I do lo…care about you and I can’t just let you kill yourself.” He gently wiped a tear off my cheek. With my mind briefly reminded of what I was supposed to do, I tried to sit back up but my body was too heavy. It wasn’t right for him to decide for me. Another tear fell down my cheek. Seth turned to walk away but stopped himself. “What did you mean before when you said you needed it to stop?”
“The nightmares, the ghosts…” I mumbled. “I need them to go away,” I sighed. I could no longer focus on my thoughts or on what I was trying to do. I knew there was a reason I wanted to stay awake, but I couldn’t remember it anymore. My eyes were too heavy. As they closed I heard Seth whisper something to me about ‘rest’ and ‘peace’ but they didn’t make sense. In fact, I didn’t really care anymore about him, about anything. I gave into the fog.
Chapter Fourteen
When the fog lifted I found myself back in my old sanctuary, in the panic room we had just in case of emergencies. It had never been used for that purpose before. Most of the time the room was used for those couples who wanted to have some alone time. And this time was no different. It was the first time I’d been in the room, other than when we’d first arrived at this building and were scoping out the place.
The owner of the building must have been very paranoid to build a panic room right in his office, but it was a good thing that he did. I felt safe knowing the room existed just in case we needed to use it. I didn’t know anything about construction, but with how heavy the outer door was and the large metal latches on the inside, I was sure it was sturdy.
At the moment however, I wasn’t feeling safe but rather incredibly vulnerable. I’d never been alone with Alex like this and I knew expectations were high if he was bringing me here. We’d barely kissed at all before this. Things were moving fast for me, though I knew that they’d moved way too slow for him. He’d been attracted to me from day one, or so he told me. I’d thought he was handsome enough, with his dark brown eyes, tan skin, and shaggy black hair. But I didn’t linger on the thou
ghts. Molly was my priority and men were a distraction. It had taken nearly a year and a half for me to finally feel safe enough to let my guard down and admit how I really felt. Telling Alex, I loved him was one of the scariest things I’d ever done. I’d never experienced love like this before. It was all so strange and new. It was why it took me so long to recognize what it was. When he’d kissed me for the first time, I knew that letting my guard down was worth it.
When he asked me to come to the panic room with him, I’d been filled with excited butterflies, but I also felt like a bundle of nerves. My body shivered and shook despite how hard I was fighting to control it. I didn’t want Alex to think I didn’t want to. I did. I’d only been fantasizing about it for a year now. It was natural to be nervous of course. I’d never done it before. I was pretty sure he had, though it wasn’t something that he bragged about. I was worried that I wouldn’t be good at it or that he wouldn’t enjoy himself and of course there was the pain factor. I hadn’t really had much of a sex education. Most of what I knew came from Gloria and Sophie talking about their past sexual experiences. And from what it sounded like; the first time wasn’t usually that great for women. I hoped they were exaggerating.
We both stood there awkwardly and I wondered who was supposed to make the first move. Maybe he was waiting for me to do it, so that he had the green light. Though I was pretty sure by me just showing up here I’d already given that. When I leaned in for the first kiss I was surprised when he didn’t kiss me back. I backed away unsure of what I’d done wrong. Alex, clearly seeing the confusion on my face quickly tried to explain himself.
“That’s not why I asked you here,” he said smiling. My shaking slowed as confusion replaced my fears. If this wasn’t what he wanted, then why come here at all? “Though that thought has crossed my mind a time or two….or a dozen.” I laughed, the heat rushing to my cheeks.
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