“Well then why did you want me to come with you here? I was pretty sure that’s what this room was all about.” After all the room was pretty much just a king size bed, some books, and shelf full of about to expire condoms, and a fully functional three-piece washroom.
“I should have thought about that before,” he replied. This time it was his turn to blush. And as I looked down at his hands, I noticed they were shaking. “I asked you here so we could be alone, because I have something I need to ask you.”
Now he was starting to worry me. Whatever it was couldn’t be a good thing if he was acting so jittery. He wasn’t the jittery type. He was always so calm and collected. We stood there staring at each other. He was searching for words and I didn’t know what to say or think. Finally, he got down on one knee.
“What are you doing?” I asked. It seemed such an odd thing to do.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box. “I’m asking you to marry me silly,” he replied with a smile. He opened the box revealing a rather large diamond solitaire set on a white gold band. I stared back at him with even more confusion.
“Why are you on your knee though?” I asked.
“It’s tradition.”
“Okay, if you say so.” I’d never seen that done before, but then I was raised in pretty isolated circumstances. And it wasn’t like I’d even attended a wedding either. I thought they were a thing of the past.
“Well will you marry me?” It finally hit me what he was actually asking. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said before I could respond. “We’ve only just finally admitted how we feel. And that’s true, but we’ve loved each other for a long time. It’s not like this hasn’t been a long time in the making. You’re probably wondering how we’d even have a ceremony and I’ve thought about it. I think we could ask Chuck to be our pastor.”
“Chuck?” I laughed. He was the biggest idiot in our group. We really only kept him around to keep up our spirits. He wasn’t good for much else. “I think you’re forgetting about the biggest problem of all,” I said more somberly.
“What’s that?”
“How nothing’s permanent anymore and how making plans is just an invitation for heartache.”
“But isn’t that all the more reason to just go with this? We don’t know how long we’ll have to be together and we’ve already wasted so much time. I don’t want to waste another moment not loving you. For however long our lives may be, I want to spend each moment loving you. So will you marry me?” He asked again.
When I was really little, I used to thumb through my parents wedding album dreaming of the day I’d get to dress up all fancy and marry a handsome man like my dad. But as the war went on and then the plague began, I’d put all those thoughts out of my head. Marriages didn’t happen anymore, nor did weddings. But then I’d never actually thought I’d fall in love either. And while I was still struggling with opening up my heart to Alex, I had to admit he wasn’t something I thought I’d have. He loved me and I knew that. He loved and cared for my sister also. With him I felt safe. It had been a long time since I’d had that. So I pushed past my doubts and fears.
“Well when you put it like that…yes,” I said as I fell down to the ground and wrapped my arms around him. And this time when we kissed, he didn’t hold back.
◆◆◆
Afterwards as I lay on his chest, feeling his heart finally slowing, I couldn’t help but feel that this was what happiness was. I wasn’t sure I’d ever actually experienced it before. Sure I’d experienced happiness in little spirts, but nothing like this. This was beyond, this was joy, this was peace, this was hope. Hope was something I didn’t realize I was capable of having. A tear fell down my cheek and I quickly tried to hide it.
“Are you okay?” Alex asked. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, I was trying to be gentle.” And he had been. I could tell it took all his effort to restrain himself. But he’d been gentle and kind and it had been amazing. Not that there wasn’t discomfort, but it was so far outweighed by the pleasure that it had barely registered.
“No,” I said embarrassed. “I’m just happy. That’s all.” He smiled as he placed a sweet soft kiss on my forehead.
“Good,” he replied. “I intend to make your happiness a permanent thing.”
The smile from my face faded as I rolled away from him. The only thing that ever bothered me about Alex was that he seemed to live in a dream world, where everything worked out. He would make these big plans and promises that weren’t really things he should be saying. “You can’t guarantee that. All we can do is live in the moment. So let’s not make promises that we don’t know we can keep.”
The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the moment but I was already starting to question my decision to agree to his proposal. I was fine with agreeing to be together for as long as we lived. But actually having a wedding just didn’t feel right. I was so used to living in the now. Where as, he was always living for the future.
Alex sat up and gently with his hand turned my face to look back towards him. “I intend to make promises, a lot of them and I’m going to keep them. All of them. “I’m going to love you for as long as we live, which is going to be a long time. I expect to be sitting with you on our front porch when we’re old and grey. I’m going to protect you and your sister no matter what it takes. You two are my family and I will always put you first. You will always be safe with me. And some day when we have kids, they’ll be safe too. I will find a way for us to be safe, permanently. I promise you.”
When I looked into his eyes, I knew he was telling the truth, but that didn’t change one thing. “I can’t see myself ever wanting kids. I hope that you can keep us safe, but having kids is just too dangerous. We have to run…a lot and people with kids they either leave them behind or they change with them.”
It was the sad reality of our world. I remembered one time when we were searching a small hospital for supplies. We’d come across the nursery. Inside were half a dozen baby beds, all with blood on them. Molly had wanted to come on that scavenge trip and I’d almost let her. I was so glad Gloria had suggested she stick back with her and spend some time learning to knit. That scene had haunted me still and I knew Molly would have had nightmares about it.
Alex laid back down beside me wrapping his arm around me and pulling me in close. The warmth of his body pressed against mine stirred up the same sensations that had led to our current naked situation. “We’re young, we don’t have to talk about having a family now. Just know that I will change your mind someday by finding a safe place. A place where we won’t have to run. And in the meantime, I vow to make you happy and safe every day of your life.”
He planted sweet kisses on my neck. Somewhere in my mind I started to realize that this was just a memory. I remembered how I’d felt that day. It was the best day of my life. I believed every word he said. It had all been a lie. The moment our lives were in danger, he ran to save his own skin. He left Molly and me to die. He was just using me. My mother had warned me that men in this world only wanted one thing. I wished I’d listened to her. Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.
The fog of the drug was wearing off, which was probably why the peaceful part of the memory was fading fast giving way to the pain. I didn’t want to come out of the dream as strange as it was. I wanted to remain just a little bit longer in the lie. It had been a wonderful lie. But the clearer my head became, the more pain I felt. He left us, I cried in my head over and over again. Why did every memory have to hurt so bad? This was the first happy memory I’d had in a long time and even it stung.
I tried to fight against the remaining drugs in my system, but I felt like the weight of it was still holding me down. I couldn’t move no matter how much I tried. All I wanted was to wake up so I could stop it. I heard Molly’s voice whisper to me, to calm down. “You’re safe,” she whispered. “Stop fighting.”
I listened to the voice and tried to relax. “Why won’t you let me go?” I asked. It was
getting too hard to keep going. The one thing that had kept me pushing forward was gone. Seth and Doc had taken it from me. I didn’t even know what was going to happen next. Did they plan on keeping me prisoner? They couldn’t possibly keep me from ending my life. But they’d taken my plan away from me. I was supposed to be there. I wanted to see the red of the demons’ eyes as they realized they were doomed. The demons had always made me afraid. I wanted to see them afraid for a change.
“We can’t do that Amber. We’re not going to let you hurt yourself.”
“Amber?” I questioned. Why would Molly call me Amber? I tried to open my eyes. Thankfully, the light in the room had been dimmed. As I slowly focused the room came into view as did Jane. Molly wasn’t here. For once she was staying away. She hadn’t even inserted herself into my intimate memory, which I was grateful for. I sighed as I stared at Jane, “What are you doing here?”
“Nice to see you too,” she replied sarcastically. “And I’m here because I care about Seth, and for some insane reason he cares about you. So I promised him I’d make sure you were safe while he’s off going about doing your fool hearty plan. If you get him killed, all bets are off. Just so you know,” she said crossing her legs in the hard metal chair she sat in. She had a book in her lap and the moment she was done with her speech she went back to reading it.
I tried to sit up but couldn’t. The sedatives were pretty much cleared out of my system, I was sure of that, so I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t move. And then I saw the restraints. There was one across my chest, and one each for my wrists and ankles. “What the hell?” I asked.
“Nina wouldn’t let me give you another dose of sedative. She was pretty pissed that the boys had wasted any on you in the first place.” What a shocker I thought.
“She’s not the only one,” I replied. “Come on, this isn’t necessary,” I said eyeing the restraints.
“I promised Seth that when he got back, you’d be in one piece and without the key to the medicine cabinet this is the best way to keep that promise.” I couldn’t see Doc just handing the keys over to Nina. My guess was she’d taken them in a fit after she’d found out about them drugging me.
“Jane, I’m not going to do anything reckless.” I attempted reasoning with her. Where was I possibly going to go? I didn’t have my crutches. I was still in a cast. This was all so uncalled for. I really was starting to feel like a prisoner. None of them had the right to do this to me. But I remembered my earlier melt down had led to my current predicament, so I did my best to keep calm.
She huffed as she put her book down on the cabinet beside her chair. I rolled my eyes. Her not being able to finish her chapter wasn’t my problem.
“I don’t believe you. It’s been in your eyes the entire time. Most people don’t see it, but I was just waiting. I didn’t know how you were planning on doing it, but I had no idea that you were willing to put Seth and the others in danger for your stupid suicide bomb attempt.”
“They wouldn’t have been hurt. They would have been in the safe zone ready to detonate. It was just going to be me going into the building. If the doctor hadn’t invaded my privacy, they wouldn’t even have known until after the building was gone.”
“You really think Seth’s that stupid. He knew there was more to you wanting to blow the infected up. He just didn’t think you would go that far. He would have kept an eye on you and if you had snuck away he would have followed you. You would have gotten him killed, all for some silly revenge.”
“Why do you all keep saying that? It’s not just about revenge. It’s about keeping a promise. And about correcting a mistake.”
The anger in her slowly faded as she actually truly looked at me. “What mistake?” she asked all hostility having left her voice. “You think your survival was a mistake.”
A tear fell down my cheek. I was so tired of this happening. I didn’t want her or anyone else seeing me like this, but I was just too exhausted from keeping it all bottled up. “It should have been me. It was my fault.” I stared up at the ceiling trying to force the tears back. The silence in the room was deafening. I’d stopped struggling against the restraints. It was pointless.
And then despite all my efforts the dam I’d built broke and the tears flowed freely, so much so, that my entire body was shaking. There wasn’t much room between the mattress and restraints, so the constant jostling from my sobs was actually starting to cause physical pain. I didn’t really mind though. It was almost easier to deal with than the real pain that I’d been holding back for so long. Jane moved towards me and without a word she released the restraints.
Chapter Fifteen
To my disappointment, Jane did not leave after that. And any time I so much as twitched, she looked up from her book afraid that I’d reach for something to hurt myself. There was nothing to grab. Doc had seen to that. He’d cleared anything remotely useful and locked them up in the cupboards. If I wanted an easy way out, I could have slit my wrists a month ago or jumped off the building the first time she took me to the roof. I may have been suicidal, but I wasn’t reckless. I wanted there to be a point to my death. The longer we spent together in the silence, the more I started to see her understanding that about me. Still, she never relaxed fully.
We didn’t speak for the several hours while we were there alone. She looked at her watch often, never bothering to let me in how the time was passing. She had her book to entertain her. I had the dots on the ceiling, and I’d given up counting them after I reached one thousand two hundred and thirty-three. Then of course I was also able to ruminate over my breakdowns as of late. The humiliation overwhelmed me. I hated letting people see me so weak.
I was still reeling from my emotional memory of Alex. That had been a turning point for me. I’d openly declared that I’d loved him, trusted him, and trusted him with not only my safety but also my sister’s. And then I’d shared myself with him in the most intimate way.
Growing up I’d never thought much about having a boyfriend. That wasn’t the future I was prepared for. My parents had prepared me from the beginning of the epidemic for the day they would die. They knew it was a very real possibility. They wanted me to be ready to defend myself and my sister. I’d failed her. I’d failed them. Thinking about them was only going to bring on a fresh wave of tears, so I started counting dots again. I only made it to forty-seven this time before the door opened. Seth was standing there and when he saw me without the straps on, he looked relieved. He gave Jane a quick nod of gratitude. I rolled my eyes and placed my head back on the pillow.
Jane left without saying a word to me, but she did whisper something to Seth before she left. I couldn’t hear her, and I was never very good at lip reading. I only hoped she’d been kind enough not to mention my second meltdown. He watched her leave and when he was sure we were alone, he sat down in Jane’s chair. I could feel his eyes on me, but I just kept staring at the ceiling.
“Do you want to know how it went?”
“Well you’re not dead, so I’m guessing well.” He chuckled. Had I been in a better mood I might also have laughed. I wasn’t usually so quick with the wit.
“We’re going to have a celebration feast and meeting to talk about how everything went down. It’s going to start soon, so I was thinking we should get going.”
I sat up on my elbows and just stared back at him. “And then what? You bring me back to my cell afterwards.” I laid my head back down. “I’d rather party with the demons, then hang around with you lot for one more minute.” It wasn’t true. But he’d betrayed my trust, not unlike Alex had. And I couldn’t hurt Alex, I could hurt Seth.
“You’re not a prisoner. We were just trying to keep you safe. I know that after what we…I did that we have some things to work out, but we can’t get past it if you won’t even stop being angry with me to even celebrate the success of your plan. It worked. You should be happy.”
I sat fully upright this time placing my legs awkwardly in front of the guard rail. “Serio
usly! My plan was a success? You didn’t pull off my plan. You went with your own, after pushing me to the side. This was something I had to do and you couldn’t get it. It’s not your choice. We have so little control over the world we live in, but how we live and die, should be our choice and you’ve taken that away from me not once, but twice.” It was what Frank had told me. He’d understood. But Seth, Doc and Jane, they couldn’t get it.
“Well if you’re expecting me to apologize for not letting you kill yourself, then you’re going to be waiting a long time. I’m not sorry,” he huffed in frustration. He’d never lost it with me before. I’d witnessed him lose his temper with others, but not with me. It felt strange having that irritation aimed at me. But that didn’t change my mind. I couldn’t trust him anymore. And the moment I could sneak off, I was done with the whole lot of them.
A long empty silence hung between us. He didn’t know what to say to me and I had no desire to say anything more.
“So is your plan to stay here all night then?” He finally asked.
“No place I’d rather be,” I said flipping my legs back flat on the bed and laying down again.
He stormed off out of the room. I was hopeful that I’d be left alone for the rest of the night but I should have realized Seth wasn’t the type to give up so easily. And he had a certain talent for getting people to see things his way. When I heard his familiar voice coming from outside the door, I sat back up and snapped, “What do you want now?” Only by the time I’d finished my sentence I realized Seth wasn’t alone.
Instant guilt hit me as I stared into Matthew’s hurt eyes. Great, I thought. To add to my frustration with the turn of events, now I got to feel guilty for hurting Matthew’s feelings. “I’m sorry Amber,” he said softly, clearly trying not to cry. “I was just wondering when you were coming to join us. I missed you.” I glared at Seth. He smiled back in return, not the slightest hint of guilt on his face.
Seeking Daylight Page 14
