Lead Me Home

by Stacy Hawkins Adams

  “However, as the pageant neared, I experienced several meaningful exchanges with a group of women friends about the power of perception, and about the importance of being true to one’s inner beauty. That will be my platform.”

  Shiloh was taken aback. She had expected a speech about insurance companies needing to cover hearing aid devices; this was going in a whole new direction.

  “These women saw me as this beauty queen diva, and you know,” Jade chuckled, “I guess I have to own that. That’s how I portrayed myself and how I wanted to be seen. But over a period of time, I realized that my need to always be perfect kept them from seeing the real me, and from relating to the fact that just like them, I had fears, doubts, and unfulfilled dreams. When I took the time to share with them that I entered this pageant for vain reasons, a wall tumbled down. They saw the real Jade, and I found out what it means to be authentic, and to open one’s heart without worrying about being judged or gossiped about or ostracized. Actually, what happens is that you find out who your real friends are, and you come to understand that you are meant to be loved no matter what you look like or whether you wear designer clothes and shoes, or what you drive or where you live. I told these women the truth—that I entered this pageant because I was losing my hearing.”

  The audience gasped. Jade’s voice quivered and trailed off for a split second, before she regained her confidence. The MC seemed stunned into silence, so Jade continued.

  “I learned that my hearing was diminishing in a manner that cannot be cured through surgery, and I’d need two hearing aids to compensate,” Jade continued. “Problem was, my insurance company didn’t cover them, and the cost would be at least five thousand dollars. Out of pocket.”

  Another gasp from the audience led Shiloh to turn and survey the people around her. Some were sitting on the edge of their seats as Jade continued. Naima’s wide eyes were glued to her mother and she sat forward, as if she were afraid she might miss something.

  “I’m blessed and fortunate enough that my husband and I could have paid for the aids from our savings, but my pride wouldn’t let me go that route. In trying to explore my options, I discovered this pageant and thought I’d enter to see if I could take care of the hearing aids through success here. But I also discovered how few insurance companies actually cover these devices, and I realized not everyone has the option of entering a pageant or finding a potentially quick source of income to help cover the cost of devices that are often a necessity—not a cosmetic option.

  “I’m not sure how insurance companies have gotten around paying for these important devices for most patients. In some instances, they’ll cover surgery when the hearing aids are more economical and more prudent. I don’t know why. They serve a vital function that keeps people safe. If I can’t hear my crying baby, he’s at risk. If a hearing impaired person is driving and can’t hear an emergency vehicle’s siren signaling that she should pull over, that is dangerous. So all that said, it took my diagnosis with this mild disability to wake me up out of my ‘vanity fog,’ I call it, to help me realize that unless there is something of substance on the inside, and unless I’m willing to be real about who I really am, the pretty package doesn’t really matter. Therefore, my platform as Mrs. Wisconsin would be to help girls and women own their true beauty—physical flaws, disabilities, weight issues, or whatever—and embrace who they are so they can grow and mature in ways that lead them to purposeful lives.”

  The MC held the microphone as the convention center exploded in applause. Shiloh glanced at Vic, who stood gazing at his wife with a level of love and respect that made Shiloh want to cry.

  “Wow,” the MC finally said. “What a powerful story to explain a wonderful platform. Thank you, Mrs. Milwaukee. You have inspired us all tonight.”

  After another thunderous round of applause, the next finalist emerged to share her platform. Shiloh listened intently to the rest of them, but her mind and heart kept returning to Jade’s message and testimony. God had used the Bible study group to help Jade find her voice and her inner confidence. Would that have happened if she had stopped coming? Randy had been right all along: God had a reason for bringing Jade to Bible study, and because of the influence of the women there, Jade now felt free to educate and touch thousands.

  fifty-five

  In the end, Jade was the biggest winner, at least in Shiloh’s mind.

  An hour after sharing her intended platform, Jade was one of two women left on stage, with one prepared to don the crown and sash of Mrs. Wisconsin. When Mrs. Kenosha was declared the winner, Shiloh’s heart sank. She was so certain that Jade had wowed the crowd and won. Instead, Mrs. Kenosha, who seemed like a perfectly nice and lovely lady, would represent the state and spread a message of healthy eating and the importance of organic food during her reign.

  The minute contestants were ushered to a backstage room where they could meet the press, Jade was swarmed by reporters who wanted to hear more of her story. One informed her that #insurehearingaids had become a trending topic on Twitter, and news stories were surfacing in media statewide about the challenges faced by the hearing impaired who can’t afford hearing aids. Half an hour after the new Mrs. Wisconsin had been scooted away, Jade was still answering media questions. Finally, one of the pageant organizers escorted her out of the press arena, so she could go to her dressing room and change. Shiloh decided to wait with Vic and Naima to see her and congratulate her, and many of the St. Stephens Baptist members came backstage as well.

  When Jade returned to the room, wearing jeans and a Mrs. Wisconsin contestant T-shirt, church members burst into applause. Shiloh, Vic, and Naima joined in on the standing ovation, and Jade beamed.

  “You didn’t take home the crown tonight, Jade, but you are clearly a winner. No doubt about that.”

  Shiloh’s words made Jade tear up. “Thank you for being here, everyone,” she said. “This means so much. I don’t know what to say.”

  “That’s okay,” Sister Dora said. “You honored all of us, and God, on that stage tonight. No need to say anything else—except where you want to have dessert, our treat.”

  Everyone laughed, including Jade.

  “How about I take a rain check on that?” she asked. “My mom is here from California, and she’s been holed up in our hotel room with Nicholas all evening. I’d like some time to celebrate with her, too.”

  Once they finished congratulating her, the St. Stephens members departed, leaving just Shiloh, Vic, and little Naima.

  “Well, I don’t know what to make of all of this,” Jade said. “I’m overwhelmed.”

  “You did great, Mommy,” Naima said and hugged her waist. “You made me proud.”

  “Me too, honey,” Vic said and winked. “And between your two pageants, you got help paying for the hearing aids!”

  Jade punched his arm, then hugged him. She looked at Shiloh and explained. “As first runner up tonight, I’ll receive a two-thousand-dollar cash prize and a few other goodies,” Jade said. “You see where his mind is, don’t you?”

  Vic kissed her cheek. “My mind is on you, and how proud you made me tonight. You can do whatever you want with your winnings. I’m paying for the hearing aids in another way, and don’t argue.”

  Jade stepped out of his embrace and looked into his eyes. She didn’t say anything, but all that she was feeling was evident. She hugged him again before releasing him and approaching Shiloh.

  “Thank you for becoming my friend, and for being here. I can’t tell you how much it meant to not only have church members come, but to have you here, Shiloh. You’ve been a great blessing to me.”

  Shiloh hugged her tight. “Likewise, Second Lady, likewise.”

  fifty-six

  The ride home on Friday night was lighthearted, as cars filled with St. Stephens Baptist members caravanned down Interstate 94 toward Milwaukee. Shiloh traveled alone, as she had on the way to the pageant, but it was heartwarming to see all of the members socializing with each other and laughi
ng and chatting in their individual cars. Jade, Vic, their kids, and her mother would stay overnight for a final pageant breakfast, and return later on Saturday.

  Shiloh arrived home well after midnight and went directly to bed. She didn’t wake Randy, since he was still recovering from the long drive to Atchity earlier in the week.

  Hours later, Shiloh awoke in good spirits, although the looming conversation with her boys filled her mind. Thankfully, they had nowhere to be this early on Saturday, and would sleep in. Randy, who joined her for breakfast, was in a surprisingly good mood, too.

  “That was an awesome way for the church to support Jade,” he said, after she described the evening. “She deserved to win. But God knows what he’s doing. No worries about how it all turned out.”

  Shiloh nodded. “Yeah, the kids are still kind of young for her to be obligated to traveling the state and all of that now, anyway. Maybe this will encourage her to try again in a few more years, when they are older.”

  Randy shook his head. “I don’t know. I think the media attention she’s getting from her platform—at least her intended platform—will resonate in ways that are going to open other doors for Ms. Jade. She’s on her way.”

  “Good for her,” Shiloh said.

  Just as she was about to take another sip of coffee, her cell phone pinged. She picked it up, wondering who would be calling so early on a Saturday, and was delighted to see a text from Monica.

  Saw Mrs. Smith from church on tv! Tell her I said congrats!! Call me when u have time.

  Rather than chance missing her by responding later, Shiloh dialed Monica’s number immediately. Heart pounding, she prayed Monica would answer. When Monica picked up on the third ring, she wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Mrs. Griffin, is that you?”

  “Yes, Monica. How are you, sweetie?” Shiloh wanted her to know she had been worried about her, but she didn’t want to start off the conversation with words that might be taken the wrong way.

  “Hanging in,” Monica said. “Sorry you haven’t heard from me until now. My dad … I … I’m sorry it couldn’t be avoided.”

  “You okay?” Shiloh wondered whether she was aware of the rumors that had been circulating. Randy turned down the radio, and Shiloh was grateful that the distraction was reduced.

  “Not really, but I guess I will be,” Monica said. “Can I see you again?”

  “Will your father allow it?”

  “I think so,” Monica said. “He’s calmed down a lot.”

  “I have a commitment today,” Shiloh said, thinking of her errands and her plan to talk with her sons. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to get away … Are you coming to church tomorrow? Will your dad and grandmother be there?”

  “I think so,” Monica said. “If they don’t come, I think one of them will drop me off.”

  “Okay,” Shiloh said. “Either way, let’s plan on spending some time together after church. You can come over for dinner, and then maybe we can go somewhere to talk.”

  “Sure,” Monica said. “Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. You don’t know how much I appreciate you.”

  Shiloh smiled. “Oh, I think I have some idea. I hope you know just how mutual the feeling is. I’ve missed you, little girl.”

  fifty-seven

  Shiloh spent the rest of the morning grocery shopping and running errands. With Thanksgiving looming, the stores were packed. Shiloh was glad she needed to buy only a ham and enough food to get them through the next five days before they headed back to Atchity.

  When she turned into their neighborhood just before noon, she discovered she needed to park on the street. David, Raphael, and a few friends were playing basketball in the driveway, using the hoop hanging in front of the garage.

  Omari sat on the porch stoop with an iPod in his hand and earphones dangling from each ear, bobbing his head and half watching the game.

  “Playtime, huh? Their rooms better be clean,” Shiloh muttered.

  Her motherly frustration was a futile attempt to ignore the knot of tension returning to her stomach, because she knew their carefree demeanors would soon change. How did one tell the children you wanted to look up to you, and cherish you, that you’d done some very wrong things? How did you go on to serve as those children’s role model, and to urge them to make good and godly choices?

  Randy appeared in the doorway. Shiloh could tell that he was feeling anxious, too. His lips were pursed, and his words to the boys were terse. “Wrap up your game and come inside, boys. We have to have a family meeting.”

  “Just ten more minutes, Dad, okay?” Raphael called.

  Randy responded without looking his way. “Not today, son. Come on in.”

  Randy unloaded the groceries and Shiloh wandered into the kitchen. She sent Lem a text to let him know she was home, and told him to come downstairs. Shiloh glanced at the clock and saw that it was 12:30. She washed her hands in the sink and quickly pulled together a light lunch for the boys. She’d tell them at the table after they ate, she decided, since there was never going to be a perfect time.

  Lem trotted down the stairs just as Omari, Raphael, and David tumbled in from outside. Shiloh wrinkled her nose.

  “I can wait ten more minutes, so you smelly basketball players can at least take off those sweaty shirts,” she told David and Raphael. “As a matter of fact, go ahead and wash up a little, too. Twenty minutes won’t kill us.”

  Shiloh saw that Lem wanted to roll his eyes, but didn’t want to get in trouble. “I was on ooVoo with Lia; can I go upstairs and get back online until those two are ready? Or can we eat without them?”

  “No, we aren’t eating without them,” Shiloh said. “Fifteen minutes max on your video chatting. I want you down here when they come down.”

  Lem headed back to his room, but Omari settled onto one of the stools parked at the kitchen island. “We watched the last hour of the pageant last night. That would have been so cool if Mrs. Smith had won. I told you she was a winner.”

  Shiloh glanced at him and tried not to show her amusement. If he thought he was hiding his crush, he was doing a very poor job.

  “Did you watch the whole pageant, or just the end?”

  He swiveled around on the stool before answering. “I watched most of it. The other guys joined me for the last hour.”

  “She did great, right? Did you see me on TV?”

  “Nah, I didn’t see you. But she was awesome. I never would of thought someone like her would need hearing aids, though.”

  “What do you mean, ‘Someone like her’?”

  Omari shrugged. “She’s so pretty and young … I thought that was for old folks.”

  “But that was part of her message,” Shiloh said. “We have to look past the surface, into one’s heart and into their character, to really see them and understand them. Her having to wear hearing aids doesn’t detract from her beauty or her role as a pastor’s wife and mother; it’s just another detail, another piece of information about her, just like it would be if she had to wear glasses.”

  Omari pursed his lips as he thought about it. “I see your point.”

  By the time everyone had reconvened in the kitchen and chitchatted over lunch, Shiloh was reluctant to have her heavy conversation. But Randy gave her the eye, and she knew she had to move forward. She cleared her throat. “Guys, settle down, I need to tell you something, and I need your full attention.”

  They stopped talking and peered at her. She surveyed the remains of their lunches on the table and pushed her chair back from the table.

  “You know what? Let’s move into the family room. I think that would be better.”

  Randy gave her a look that warned her to stop stalling. She ignored him, and led the way out of the kitchen.

  When everyone was settled on a sofa or a chair, staring at her like they knew more chores or a lecture was coming, Shiloh opened her mouth to begin. But instead of words coming forth, tears spilled from her eyes. David furrowed his brow and dashed over to hug her.
/>
  “Don’t cry, Mama. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  Realizing that she was scaring them, Shiloh took the tissue that Lem had trotted to the bathroom to retrieve, and wiped her eyes and cheeks. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, then looked each of her sons in the eye. The fear she saw in return saddened her, but what made her sadder was knowing it would soon be replaced by anger and shame.

  “I’m fine, David,” she said and hugged and kissed him. “I just have something very hard to tell you.”

  He stayed next to her, and she let him.

  “I have to tell you boys about a couple of things that I did a long time ago, that I’ve held inside for a very long time, nearly twenty years,” Shiloh said. “Your father was the first person I ever told, and he just found out a few nights ago.”

  The boys looked at Randy, who was doing his best to remain expressionless. He left his seat on the sofa and moved closer to Shiloh, and grabbed her hand. She was grateful, and struggled to stave off the fresh round of tears that sought to erupt. Instead of looking at her sons, she stared at her hands.

  “I did some things when I was twenty years old that I’ve been ashamed of ever since. One of them is really personal, almost inappropriate to share with you. But with the world we live in, it’s probably not something you’ve never heard before.

  “The summer after my second year in college, I won this great fellowship.” She looked at David to better explain. “That’s like a special opportunity to do something unique or different, and it’s an honor to be chosen.”