Lead Me Home

by Stacy Hawkins Adams

  Shiloh had no rebuttal; all she could do was nod. His perception of her had been shattered, and she had to let him deal with this in his own way, and in his own time. She wanted to tell him that no one was perfect, not even his beloved Lia. She wanted to ask him to consider the many times she had scolded him or punished him, while forgiving his transgressions. Those words danced on her lips, but she knew this was a matter that could only be resolved when Lem was ready to receive that wisdom. In the meantime, she would continue to love him and do what she could to prove to him that while she may be less than perfect, she was still his loving mother, and he, her beloved son.

  She extended her hand.

  “Truce? At least for today?”

  Lem hesitated, then grasped her hand. They walked toward the house and entered to find everyone sitting around watching each other. Shiloh knew they had been peering out of the window, and before they left the dinner table today, she might have to share some uncomfortable truths with them.

  Lord, tell me how much to share, and when.

  She released that prayer, then turned her attention to the aromas floating from the kitchen. Whatever she decided to do could wait until after dinner and certainly dessert.

  sixty-eight

  Shiloh had temporarily forgotten they had guests for dinner this year, and she wasn’t sure she should put her business on front street, with Tamara and Naomi there. But Lia and her family would be visiting in a few hours, and she didn’t know what to expect. It was only fair to prepare the family, just as she needed to prepare herself.

  After everyone had feasted on turkey, dressing, greens, yams, and other traditional holiday fare, Mama and their guest Naomi, the mother of Dayna’s friend Tamara, had taken turns bringing in one dessert after another from the kitchen to place on the long dining room table. This year there were three cakes—caramel, coconut, and pound—a sweet potato pie, key lime pie, apple cobbler, and a variety of ice cream flavors.

  “I feel like I’m in a restaurant,” Naomi said after she settled in her seat and prepared to dive into a slice of pound cake and key lime pie. “Dayna, please feel free to invite Tamara and me to Thanksgiving dinner every year!”

  Dayna had just taken a bite of sweet potato pie, but paused to give her a thumbs-up.

  Tamara shook her head. “How are you going to invite yourself to dinner next year, in the middle of eating this year’s meal, Mama? I can’t take you anywhere!”

  The family erupted in laughter.

  “You’re both welcome to join us anytime,” Mama assured them. “Now, enjoy that dessert!”

  The food and conversation flowed until Daddy cleared his throat and tapped his fork against the side of his plate. Shiloh, Dayna, and Jessica exchanged glances and tried to stifle their giggles. Thank goodness they had eaten and satisfied themselves before he decided to speak—it looked like they were in for his annual sermonette. But with all that Daddy had been through in the past few weeks, Shiloh decided she’d be willing to sit here the rest of the evening, just to hear his slow Southern drawl punctuate the air.

  “I can’t say often enough how thankful I am to be here with my family this year,” Daddy began. “I want to thank my wife—my partner in life—for taking such good care of me since my heart attack. I must say I will miss my fried catfish and okra, but she can make anything taste good, so I will learn to eat healthier and enjoy the meals along the way.”

  Daddy nodded at Mama, who was blushing and beaming simultaneously, then scanned the faces of his three daughters and his sons-in-law.

  “I also want to thank my children for running to my bedside when I was in the hospital. I hear that members of Riverview Baptist were lining the halls, and I’m grateful for that, but it’s a true blessing to know that your family will drop everything at a moment’s notice and come to be with you in your gravest time of need. Even though I was out of it most of the time you were there, I just know your presence helped me heal. This crisis was a wake-up call on many levels, but one important consequence was to remember that nothing is more important than family. God has given us to each other for a purpose. We are each other’s gifts, and gifts are meant to be treasured and taken care of. So I urge you all to continue taking care of each other and loving each other. Doing just that is a form of praise to God.”

  Randy squeezed Shiloh’s hand under the table, and she repeated the gesture with Lem, who was sitting on the other side of her. She saw Jessica and Keith, and Dayna and Warren, trade smiles. Tamara leaned toward Dayna to give her a light hug. Daddy acknowledged the gesture.

  “That’s right—some friends become family too, often in the most unusual circumstances.”

  “Amen, Reverend Wilson,” Tamara said. “I see Dayna maybe four times a year, when the foundation Brent launched before his death needs to meet with the board of directors. And occasionally we’ll call each other to check in. We aren’t in each other’s daily lives or up to speed on every twist and turn, but I know that if I ever need anything, she’ll do her best to help, and vice versa. I don’t know why God took us on the journey he did to bring us to this place, but our ability to sit around the same table at a board meeting, let alone over a Thanksgiving meeting, is nothing but God.”

  “Hallelujah, young lady,” Daddy said. “Nothing but God is right—in every situation. I loved my son-in-law Brent, but …” He paused and looked at Warren. “Had it not been for Brent moving on, my daughter would not have the benefit of helping raise these two handsome and bright young men sitting at the table today, or of experiencing love in the selfless and sincere way I see that Warren loves her. Thank you, son.”

  Daddy’s use of that term of endearment with Warren left him, and everyone else, speechless. Warren seemed stunned, but acknowledged the compliment with a smile.

  Daddy nodded at Keith, who as usual was quiet and taking everything in. “Keith, you’re a man of few words, but it takes a strong man to stand with and care for my strong-willed, on-the-go baby girl.”

  Everyone laughed and Dayna and Shiloh clapped, while Jessica scowled at them.

  “I know you’re a good man, son,” Daddy continued. “Keep doing what you’re doing to keep you and Jessica on track, and I’m looking forward to the day God blesses you two with some grandbabies for me.”

  “Daddy!” Jessica seemed shocked by her father’s brazenness, but Keith looked hopeful.

  “What? As the kids say, ‘I’m just sayin’!’” Daddy uttered the comment with a straight face, but pretended to wipe his mouth with his linen napkin to mask his grin.

  Lem and Omari exchanged glances and nearly lost their composure. Their grandfather winked at Raphael, who gave him a thumbs-up. Shiloh shook her head. Raphael had probably charged Daddy five dollars for that tutorial on the best slang to use during dinner.

  Daddy turned toward Randy. “You’ve been like a son to me since you first started spending your summers here when you were the same age as Lem is now,” Daddy said. “Then you gave me the privilege of serving as your father in the ministry. It’s been wonderful watching you grow in faith and leadership, and as the head of your family. I’ve been praying a lot about what I should do, after having this health crisis, and I know that I need to step down as pastor of Riverview Baptist sooner rather than later.”

  The collective gasp around the table interrupted Daddy’s speech, but after giving his initial declaration a few minutes to sink in, he continued. “Yes, I know what I’m saying and I mean what I’m saying. I love preaching and leading God’s people—you all know that. But as the book of Ecclesiastes declares, there is a time for everything under the sun, and while I’m still able to do some things and enjoy myself, I want to do just that, with my girlfriend.”

  “Reverend!” Mama’s embarrassment caused another round of gleeful laughter.

  “Careful now—ya’ll better use some protection,” Jessica said, and Keith shook his head.

  Dayna swatted her sister’s hand and reminded her with a few motions of her head and ey
es that the boys were also around the table. Jessica looked sheepish and mouthed “Sorry” to Dayna and Warren and to Shiloh and Randy.

  Daddy chuckled. “Now, ya’ll are getting out of control. I’ll wrap this up by saying to Randy that I would love for you to pray about possibly coming back home, to lead Riverview Baptist. I’m hoping to retire in six months.”

  That news lit everyone around the table afire. Shiloh looked at Randy, and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. What did he think of this offer, she wondered. Would he accept it, or refuse to leave his Milwaukee congregation?

  “Daddy, you won’t be able to retire and sit in a chair all day doing nothing, and you know it,” Jessica said.

  “You’re right—I can’t do that, and that’s not my plan,” Daddy said. “But I feel like God is calling me to step away from the formal role of pastoral leader and to minister in a different, more subtle way, through the various experiences he puts in my path. We’ll talk more later, Randy, but I wanted to share that with you, with the entire family present, and ask that we all pray for God’s will and wisdom in this situation, both for me and for Randy. I would love to see Randy leading Riverview Baptist as senior pastor, since he was the assistant pastor there for so long, before the move to Milwaukee. But if God has something different in mind, so be it. Now, where was I?”

  Daddy turned toward Shiloh and Lem this time. “There’s nothing like a parent’s love, you know. So whatever issues or challenges that occur between a child and a parent—outside of abuse—should usually remain in that safe and loving space between them,” he said. “You two seem like you have something to work out, and that’s okay. That happens during the teen years sometimes. Just know that your mama has your back, Lem, and Shiloh, just know that the love you’ve poured into him will always rise to the surface, in its own time.”

  A lump filled Shiloh’s throat and she swallowed hard. “Lem and I are going to be fine, but does that apply to fathers and daughters, too, Daddy?”

  Now it was Daddy’s turn to be speechless. He peered at her, waiting.

  “I have something to tell you, Daddy and Mama, and I guess I’ll tell you in front of everyone. I’ve been learning these past few months how important it is to be honest and authentic in every area of your life, and sometimes that requires you to take a step back in the past, look at who you were then, accept that, and tell the truth about it, so you can move on.”

  Shiloh saw Dayna and Tamara look at each other, and she knew they were acknowledging the pain and betrayal that had occurred between them, over Brent.

  “I’d like to share something with you that’s shameful and hard. I’ve already told my boys, but Warren … you might want Michael and Mason to leave the table for a few minutes.”

  Warren shook his head. “If you’re okay with them being present, I don’t mind them hearing, but that’s up to you.”

  While Shiloh paused to ponder that, Tamara and Naomi pushed back their chairs and began clearing plates and dishes of food from the table, to carry into the kitchen.

  “You all go on and have your family discussion,” Naomi said. “We’ll be in the kitchen, tidying up.”

  Shiloh appreciated their gracious offer to give the family some privacy. She clasped Randy’s hand and he patted hers, in reassurance.

  “Eighteen years ago, the spring I was a sophomore at Birmingham-Southern …”

  sixty-nine

  Before Shiloh could say more, Daddy raised his palm to stop her. Stunned, and already nervous, she paused midsentence.

  “Shiloh, you are about to share something that’s obviously very personal and very painful, that happened almost two decades ago—before you were a wife or a mother or a full-fledged adult. Before you go on, let me say something, and ask you something.”

  Daddy sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his protruding belly. “First, if you’ve already shared this information with Randy and your sons, that may be enough. Your immediate family may need to know your particular truths, to help them learn from it and to help them understand you better, and that’s all good. But ask yourself before you continue if there’s a purpose in sharing what’s on your heart with the rest of us.

  “Now, we are your family and we’d certainly like to know and understand you better, too. We love you. But will what you share help us do that? Or will it help our family as a whole in some way?”

  Shiloh lowered her eyes, thinking, and wrestling with herself, to see what answers were honestly surfacing.

  “If the only purpose in sharing is just so we’ll know, only do that if it’s going to make you feel better or stronger in some way,” Daddy said. “If you’re telling us just to get it off your chest, it should still fit the two prior criteria. Or, if telling us allows us to take some sort of action or become aware of a larger issue that all of us might need to address, please tell us. Just don’t do it out of obligation or guilt or because someone said you had to. Do what’s best for your heart, mind, spirit, and soul, sweetheart. We love you, either way.”

  When Daddy was done, Shiloh was, too. What a gift he had just given her. For the first time in her entire life, she didn’t feel the need to measure up, to explain herself, or explain away a behavior or attitude. She could just be, and in doing so, just be loved.

  She felt like saying, Wow. Or crying. Or leaping for joy. But she was so overwhelmed by this side of her father that she’d never known, she also just wanted to sit and soak in this moment.

  Everyone around the table sat silent, with their eyes on Daddy, waiting for what would come next.

  Randy leaned toward Shiloh and gently kissed her lips.

  This public display of affection from him was unusual, at least in front of her parents, but she knew he was sealing the vows he’d made earlier, in his interstate marriage proposal, and letting her know that he stood with her, whatever she decided. She looked at her four sons, and wondered what was racing through their minds. When she realized they were looking back at her with love, even the hurt and broken Lem, it didn’t really matter and neither did the ghosts from her past.

  Leslie might come today with Lia, and if so, she could take her aside and apologize for her hurtful and horrible actions all those years ago. But Daddy’s words had echoed what God must have been trying to tell her all along: His grace was sufficient. He had forgiven her the first time she’d said she was sorry—for both offenses. Just as she’d promised Monica he would, a few days ago.

  Shiloh sighed and made a decision. The next time the anniversary date of her abortion rolled around, she wouldn’t hold her usual commemoration. She would pull out the recorder on that date and conjure up memories of today’s family gathering and conversation, and play a new song, to honor God’s graciousness, and her season of new beginnings.

  seventy

  Shiloh looked from her father to Randy and back again.

  She took the time to peer at everyone seated around the table—men, women, and boys, who had known her as little as the four years Dayna and Warren had been a couple, and as long as the day she entered the world. Michael and Mason, whom she knew the least, stared at her curiously. That same perspective, coupled with compassion, seemed to fill Keith and Warren’s eyes. Dayna and Jessica seemed perplexed. Shiloh wasn’t sure how to respond, then God spoke to her spirit.

  It’s already settled. I have taken your burdens upon me. You have the victory.

  Suddenly, peace flooded her spirit, and it was indescribable. Shiloh sat back and smiled.

  “Thank you, Daddy. All I have to say is, eighteen years ago I was a young, Christian girl who had heard since childhood that God was a God of grace and that there was no sin he wouldn’t forgive. I heard those words, and I recited the Scriptures reflecting those messages, and I believed them. But then … when I became the worst sinner of all sinners in my eyes—a liar, a thief, a hypocrite, even a killer, from the way I saw it—I forgot all those truths; at least, I didn’t believe they applied to me. I thought because I knew rig
ht yet did wrong anyway, I owed God greater sacrifices than most. I actually thought about becoming a nun.”

  Mama gasped before she could collect herself. Shiloh smiled again.

  “I know—shocking. But when Randy began courting me and I saw what a committed man of God he was, I knew God was leading me in a different direction. Another way to be connected to him as a pastor’s wife and ministry helpmate. And that’s what I’ve done all of these years to the best of my ability. But this year … this year, God has shaken me out of my comfort zone. It’s like he said, ‘Enough is enough. No more guilt, no more playing the martyr.’ He wants me to use my experiences and my shame to help others heal, and to bring his name glory. Thank you, Daddy, for helping me understand I should only share my experiences when they serve a purpose. I don’t think it’s necessary to go into all of the gritty details after all. I just ask that you all pray for me, and for Randy and the boys as we learn a new way of communicating and loving each other.”

  Shiloh sighed and lowered her head. Dayna pushed her chair back from the table and walked around the table to Shiloh. She stood just behind Shiloh and opened her arms for a hug. Before Shiloh could react, Jessica jumped out of her seat and trotted around the table to extend her arms as well. Shiloh couldn’t withhold the grin as she scooted back her chair and joined her sisters in a group hug.

  “Doesn’t matter what it is—or was,” Jessica whispered in her ear. “We’ve got you.”

  Dayna quoted Ecclesiastes 4:12. “‘Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.’ We know you; we know your heart. Every single one of us has fallen short of God’s best, either intentionally or by mistake. You are a loving, giving, encouraging, and inspiring woman of God. Nothing and no one will ever change that.”