“Why do you say that?” I asked, now curious how he seemed so sure of this.
“I don’t know. I just don’t see either in my future.” He shrugged. “That was delicious, Gem. It was nice to have a home-cooked meal for once,” he added, letting me know that the subject was closed for discussion.
“You’re welcome.” We cleared the table, taking our dishes into the kitchen. I washed while Drew dried, and we continued talking, this time about our childhood.
“I’ll never forget the look on your face,” Drew said while he shook his head back and forth, smiling at the memory. He was recalling a day when we had been catching frogs in the creek; I remembered it like it was yesterday.
“I still have nightmares about that. I can see it all clear as day. Reaching for that frog through the ferns only to realize that it was inside the mouth of a snake. Gross.” I shuddered as the image flashed in my mind. The snake’s head had been suspended in the air as it turned to look at me.
“You screamed so loud, my ears were ringing for hours. But the best part . . . the best part was watching you try to backpedal in the rushing current, falling right on your ass,” Drew stammered, his words riddled with laughter. “You would have thought it was a cobra rather than a harmless garter snake.”
I was trying to contain my own laughter as I imagined the scene through Drew’s eyes; the image of me scrambling to get away from that snake, with a look of what could only be sheer horror on my face. “You know my fear of snakes, venom or no venom,” I said as I rinsed a plate with clean water and handed it to Drew.
“I know. That look, though, classic,” he said, shaking his head as he wiped the plate dry and set it aside.
Drew looked at me then, his features pulled into a dramatic fearful expression, mocking me. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I laughed at the memory and Drew’s ridiculous face. I was unable to wipe them away while my hands were submerged in a sinkful of soapy water, so Drew leaned in and wiped the tears from my face with the dish towel.
“That was not funny. I was terrified.” But I laughed as I defended my reaction. “I still hate snakes,” I said as I shuddered at the thought.
“No, I’m pretty sure it was funny,” Drew said, beaming from where he stood beside me. He was standing so close to me that our sides were touching, and I was more aware of this than I should’ve been.
When the dishes were done, we both stood in the kitchen, unsure of what was next.
“Well.”
“So do you . . .” I said at the same time. We both laughed.
“After you,” Drew said, nodding toward me.
“I was going to ask if you wanted more wine. We could sit on the porch and catch the sunset?”
“That sounds great.” He smiled, and I returned a grin, happy to have my friend back in my life.
We retreated to the front porch, swaying on the porch swing while sipping our wine. I had opened my favorite bottle of Merlot and had offered Drew my box of coveted mystic mint cookies. We sat in silence, taking in the canvas of colored clouds that were painted across the sky as the sun dropped slowly in the horizon. The lake was glasslike, offering a clear reflection of the sky above. The view never got old. Silence had fallen over us, Drew and I each lost in our own thoughts.
I could hear Drew chew quietly as he bit into a cookie. “I can’t believe you still eat these. I haven’t seen a box in years,” he said with his mouth full.
“Me either. I found them at the General Store, on the same shelf where they always were. It was as if they were just waiting for me.” I laughed. “I bought every box they had and asked the clerk to order more.”
“Nice.” Drew smirked and tossed another one in his mouth, not bothering to bite into it this time.
“Yeah, well, don’t eat them all. I have a limited supply,” I said, grabbing the box from his hands and biting into one myself.
“Remember when you used to hide a box of these in your Barbie case, knowing that Jacob would never find them there?”
I smiled at the memory. “Yes, I remember. And then we started hiding our beer there when we got older. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if there were still a few cans of Budweiser in that old Barbie case.” We both laughed, remembering the good times, the simple days of our youth.
Drew reached over and held my hand, interlacing our fingers. “I missed you, Gem,” he whispered.
Our gazes were fixed on the sun as its apex dipped behind the mountains, signifying the finality of the day—casting a dull haze of fire across the sky.
“I missed you too,” I said, as I rested my head against his shoulder, savoring the peace of the moment.
Twenty
I had another bad dream. I knew that I should tell Drew the truth, but I was scared. We hadn’t talked about his brother at all. We had talked about my brother, Drew asking me a million questions about Jacob. Where he lived, what he did for a living, if we were close. I had told him how Jacob was a free spirit, so different from me. He had gone to the Seattle Art Institute and immediately started his own company designing surfboards, skateboards, snowboards . . . every kind of board really. He traveled the world to places like Bali, Switzerland, New Zealand. He enjoyed extreme sports, spending his ample spare time surfing, skydiving, snowboarding, or whatever fulfilled his “ultimate rush” quota.
I told Drew that we were close but didn’t see each other very often, between Jacob’s traveling and my work schedule. Jacob always sent me a postcard when he reached a new destination, and I kept all of them, pinned up on a corkboard in my home office. We talked about my mother. Drew genuinely missed her, and that made me sad, to think that what had happened between us had kept him away from everyone in my family. We had even talked about his father and what a self-righteous ass he still was, but neither of us brought up William. I wondered where he was, what kind of man he had become, and what had happened between the two brothers. Were they close or estranged or somewhere in between?
Drew and William had once been inseparable. Only three years apart, they were thick as thieves. After Katherine had died, the light in William’s eyes had slowly faded, until no one could recognize the boy who he had been. His father was hard on him, always comparing him to Andrew, and William had grown to resent Drew and his father. The trouble began not long after he had started the ninth grade. He had been expelled from several boarding schools, until his father had no choice but to send William to public school. He had continued to find trouble and eventually got involved in drugs. Their father had practically given up. He wasn’t around much anyway; the boys were mostly raised by Matilda, who had been in their family since Katherine’s diagnosis.
I knew, deep down, that the old William would never have hurt me the way he did. I knew, even back then, that William’s drug abuse had turned him into someone else, the monster that had shattered my world that night. I always wondered if he was even aware of what really happened or had he been so drunk and high that he had imagined it another way. It was easier to believe that theory over the alternative. But regardless of his mental state that night, he did rape me, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before the subject of that night was brought into question.
William and that night were the only topics that Drew and I seemed to have skipped over, but I could feel the questions coming, the questions that were burning in Drew’s mind, practically hanging from his tongue. He also seemed to be avoiding any questions about his life and why he was at the lake. I knew that he was keeping something from me, but, unsure of what it was, I was almost too afraid to ask.
Drew and I had spent nearly every day together. The weather was getting warmer now that summer was in full swing. We took long walks along the trail that led to the marina, where we would sit and eat ice cream sandwiches while we watched tourists launch their boats into the lake. We had gone sailing twice in the small catamaran that Drew’s family owned, taking advantage of the gusty winds of early summer. We had spent a day hiking at Granite Falls. I had for
gotten how beautiful it was, and we had searched for our shoes that we had nailed to the cedar shoe tree years ago. The shoe tree was famous, adorned with hundreds of different styles and colors of footwear that people had nailed to its trunk or hung from its branches. It was a silly tradition but had become a rite of passage, an offering of sorts. Drew tried to talk me into nailing up our shoes again, for old time’s sake, but I refused to part with my two-hundred-dollar running shoes.
It was the Fourth of July. A sacred day of tradition at the lake. The weather was beautiful, uncharacteristically cooperating for a day of outdoor family fun and a night of fireworks. Traditionally it would rain on the Fourth of July, summer officially starting the following day. The neighbors were busy preparing dishes for the potluck dinner that we would share at dusk on the sandy beach. Drew and I never really discussed it, but it was assumed that we would spend it together on our beach, like we had countless times before while we were growing up.
I was baking a huckleberry pie, with the huckleberries that Drew and I had picked the day before, and had whipped up a macaroni salad using my mother’s recipe. She was famous on the lane for this salad, and, in keeping with tradition, I thought that it was only right to bring it to the potluck. Logan was joining us and most likely bringing whatever flavor he was sampling this week. We couldn’t keep up with his shenanigans.
Drew came by the cabin to help me carry my things down to the beach. We made our rounds, Drew introducing me to all the new families on the lane. The families who I did know introduced me to their spouses and children. Memories flooded my heart as I looked into familiar eyes and shared stories from our youth. Logan showed up just as we were all sitting down to eat. He had a young blonde woman on his arm. He introduced her as Shannon, and we invited them to sit with us.
There were at least a dozen children ranging in age from two to sixteen. I choked back my jealousy and instead immersed myself in their world. Playing beach games and building sand castles. One little boy in particular seemed to warm up to me instantly. He was adorable with tight curly brown hair, olive skin, and huge brown eyes. He wore a red cape and a matching shirt with a big K embroidered on the front.
When I asked him if he was a superhero, he stood up straight and proud, raising one hand in the air and proclaimed, “I’m the Kadenator!” He was the sweetest thing, his enthusiasm contagious, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his ardent imagination. I sat on the beach with him as together we built “a planet” out of damp sand, and then I watched as he pretended to rescue it from an evil nemesis who was trying to destroy the universe.
I couldn’t help but wonder if the parents all knew how lucky they were, to have a family. I bit my tongue when I listened to the mothers complain about the lack of sleep or the temper tantrums. It wasn’t their fault. I was sure I would have similar complaints if I were in their shoes. I would give up sleep for the next twenty years if it meant that I could spend them with a child of my own. I could feel Drew’s gaze on me throughout the evening, watching me play with the children. Every now and then, our gazes would meet, and he would smile, flashing me those dimples that I loved so much.
As the sun disappeared and the night sky grew dark, we all gathered around a roaring bonfire preparing for fireworks. I felt relaxed and happy, having spent the day with friends—old and new. I had even gotten to know Shannon pretty well, and she seemed smart and kind, a far cry from Logan’s usual catch. I couldn’t help but wonder where this road would lead me. Where I would wind up in the end. If my marriage was salvageable or if I would be alone. If I couldn’t save my marriage, would I ever be able to move on? And, more important, what would become of my dream of being a mother?
It was hard to believe that I had been at the lake for over a month, each day drifting into the next unnoticed. I seemed to lose all track of time here without a grueling schedule to mark my days and nights. Maybe throwing my phone into the lake wasn’t such a bad move after all. I was completely out of touch with work, my friends, my family. With Ryan. But for once, I didn’t care. I knew that I would have to face Ryan soon. I knew that I would have to eventually ask the questions that would lead me to the truth. I was aware that I had a long, hard road ahead of me, but it was so easy to get lost here, to forget everything that was waiting for me back home. I would have to deal with it all soon enough, so, for now, I pushed aside these thoughts, unwilling to allow them to spoil the happiness I felt from the present days.
Twenty-One
I sat back in my beach chair, and watched Drew and Logan line up an arsenal of fireworks, their faces lit up like children in the light from the bonfire. They had driven to Canada the week before and had loaded up on fireworks for the occasion, spending hundreds of dollars. Drew wanted to give the kids a show to remember, but, watching him now, it was obvious that he was enjoying it just as much as they were.
The first set erupted into the sky, the thunderous explosion causing my heart to hammer in my chest as my eyes took in the spectacular array of colors lighting up the darkness. The children watched in awe as they cheered and begged for more. Drew and Logan continued their elaborate fireworks display, each one bigger and better than the one before, the grand finale taking my breath away. The crowd on the beach cheered, and Drew and Logan took a bow, before retreating back to the empty chairs near Shannon and me.
“So what did you think?” Drew asked as he sat down beside me and rested his hand on my leg.
“That was amazing. Well done.”
“Thank you. It was fun, and I think the kids liked it.” He beamed.
“Are you kidding me? They loved it,” I said as I reached into the cooler next to me and grabbed a beer for Drew, twisting the cap off before handing it to him.
He tapped his bottle against mine and then took a long pull, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand when he was done. “Ah, isn’t this great? Just like the old days,” he said as we watched the kids roast marshmallows in the fire.
“Yeah, this is great,” I agreed. And it was.
Kaden appeared before me, offering me a roasted pink Starburst on the end of a stick.
“Here try this,” he said as I pulled the warm sticky blob from the stick.
I put it in my mouth and began to chew as a burst of flavor erupted on my tongue. “Wow, that’s good,” I said to Kaden as he beamed at me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, a blush spreading across his cheeks. He scampered away with his stick.
“Someone likes you,” Drew teased. “Poor kid, I should warn him of your wrath now before it’s too late.” Drew had the biggest smile on his face, but I still flashed him an incredulous look as I punched him in the shoulder playfully.
“Jeez, Gem, stop hitting me already,” he sulked as he rubbed his shoulder.
“Baby,” I teased.
“Bully,” he retorted. And I smiled at our familiar banter, feeling at home and grateful that I was here with Drew.
It grew late, and the families with young children slowly made their way back to their cabins to put the kids to bed. I said good-night to Kaden, promising to go swimming with him sometime soon as my heart swelled for this little boy. What I wouldn’t have given to be tucking my own child into bed at that moment.
Eventually it was just the four of us. We sat around the fire, drinking and sharing stories.
“Gemma, you were so hot in high school,” Logan teased while we were reminiscing about old times.
“Oh, stop.” I giggled, a result of too many beers. “You were pretty hot too, Logan, but, of course, you already knew that.”
“Yeah, no woman could resist what I had to offer,” he said, running his hand down his abs until they landed on his crotch where he cupped his genitals through his jeans.
“You are such a pervert,” Shannon said and slugged him in the arm.
“Yeah, you perv,” I called out as I threw a bottle cap at him.
Drew laughed beside me and shook his head at Logan, unwilling to defend him.
“Hey, if I recall, Gemma, you didn’t complain the last time I had my tongue down your throat.” He was clearly teasing as he rubbed his arm where Shannon had hit him, but his comment hit me square in the gut, taking me back to that night.
Drew tensed beside me, his jaw taut, his hands in a death grip around his beer bottle.
Silence filled the air, heavy with tension. I tried to play it off, to go back to the light conversation that we were all engaged in just moments before. “Very funny, Logan. Does anyone need another beer?” I asked, opening the cooler beside me, hoping to change the subject.
“I’ll take one,” Drew grumbled beside me. I doled out a beer to everyone except Shannon, who politely declined. I watched Drew drain the entire bottle before throwing it at the recycle bucket that sat ten feet from us. The bottle landed in the bucket and shattered, sending a loud clash into the quiet night.
“I’m out. Logan, you guys are welcome to crash at my place. I’ll leave the side door open.” Drew stood and started to walk toward his cabin. “Good night,” he mumbled.
I stood to follow him, knowing that he was upset. “Drew, wait,” I called out after him.
“Stay, Gemma. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said without looking back.
I stopped and looked at Logan, debating on what I should do. Give Drew his space or go to him?
“Don’t look at me, Gem. I don’t know what his fucking problem is,” Logan said, holding his hands up innocently.
I looked back toward Drew’s cabin; he was almost to the door. I kicked off my flip-flops and chased after him.
“Drew, wait,” I called out breathlessly when I had nearly caught up to him. He stepped into the dark cabin, and I followed him inside. I could see fireworks erupting into the dark sky on the other side of the lake through the wall of windows before me.
“Gemma, I need to be alone right now.”
“That was a long time ago. Don’t let Logan get to you,” I said, still catching my breath.
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