“You’re right. It was a long time ago, but I still feel angry when I think about that night. The jealousy that consumed me watching you kiss him like that. It was crazy, and I was so confused by it. I screwed up everything. I was just a stupid kid. But what you did . . .” His hands were fisted at his sides, his muscles straining underneath his shirt, the veins in his neck pulsed through his skin as he shook his head at me. His eyes burned in the dim light. “The hatred I felt for you the next day, when I had to listen to . . .” He stopped, unsure if he wanted to continue.
My gut churned, bile rising in my throat, knowing what he was going to say next. I folded my arms across my chest tightly, desperately trying to hold myself together, to keep from falling apart.
He ran his hand through his hair and looked away briefly, as if contemplating what he was going to say next. “I had this image of you. An image that didn’t fit the Gemma that I knew, my Gemma. It made me sick, and I hated you. I had to listen to Will tell me how good you were. How good you felt when he fucked you.” His words stunned me. He scrubbed his hand over his mouth as if he were shocked by his own words. But he had said them, he couldn’t take it back.
Tears filled my eyes as I swallowed hard, the bile leaving a raw burn in its wake as it traveled down the back of my throat.
“I still don’t get it, Gemma. Why William? He was a fuck-up. He was my brother. Why would you choose him? You were better than that. At least I thought you were. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you weren’t a virgin like you had led me to believe.” He stood with his hands on his hips, spouting angry words at me, judging me.
And I just stood there in shock, letting his words wash over me, coating me with shame. I couldn’t articulate what needed to be said.
I felt Drew’s hands on my arms, gripping me tight—too tight.
“Say something,” he demanded, shaking me. “Explain this to me. I’m tired of dancing around what happened that night. I want you to tell me why.”
I was numb, unable to speak as I looked into his angry eyes, dark and intense.
“You broke my fucking heart, Gemma,” he yelled, his hands still gripping me tightly.
Tears streamed down my face as I choked on my own sobs. Drew released me, and I sank to my knees, unable to stand on my own two feet. I buried my face in my hands, sobs raking my body.
“You have nothing to say?” he asked, still angry.
Why won’t he stop? I couldn’t take any more of this. I was breaking into a million pieces before him, and his venom continued to spill from his mouth.
“Why? Why did you fuck my brother that night, Gemma?”
I snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked up at him, meeting his gaze as he towered over me. “I didn’t fuck him,” I screamed. “HE RAPED ME. WILLIAM RAPED ME.” I fought for air, gasping for breath that wouldn’t come. I had said it. I had finally said it. I struggled to take a few deep breaths, hugging myself tightly as I rocked back and forth on my knees. “Happy now? Please stop, just stop. I can’t take this anymore,” I whispered through the sobs that tore through me. My body shook with anger and despair, as I waited for his reaction, watching him through my tears.
“What did you just say?” he asked, his voice so quiet, a stark contrast to the volume at which he had shouted just moments before. Confusion settled in across his face.
“He raped me that night,” I whispered, closing my eyes as I felt my words—the truth—escape me. I felt utterly exhausted all of a sudden.
“Will . . . What? . . . How? . . . Why didn’t you tell me?” he stuttered, at a loss for words.
“I tried to tell you, but you were so angry, and I was scared.”
Drew hung his head in defeat and sank to his knees in front of me. Tears welled in his eyes as he looked at me. I could see the pain and regret in the depth of his gaze as I watched a grown man’s strength crumble, and it tore me apart inside.
“I’m so sorry, Gemma,” he said, shaking his head from side to side. And, as if the last twenty years had just replayed in his mind, he buried his face in his hands and mumbled through his own tortured sobs, “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t absolve him; I couldn’t tell him that it was okay. Because none of this was okay. It wasn’t his fault, but his hurtful words were still fresh on his tongue, still echoing in my heart. We sat on our knees with our bodies facing one another but unable to look each other in the eye, unable to stop the flow of agony that spilled down our faces from the raw truth that was finally exposed between us. We were both defenseless from the grief that threatened to break us, as we relived all that was taken from us, all that was lost.
After what felt like forever, Drew wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt and finally spoke. “I don’t know what to say. I hate myself for the way I treated you. I hate myself for leaving you that night. I want to kill Will. I want to kill him right now, this minute, for hurting you. I don’t know how to make this better, Gemma. Fuck, all these years . . .” His voice trailed off, the pain robbing him of his voice.
I wiped my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I reached for his hands and held them in mine. “Drew, look at me.” I waited for him to raise his head and meet my eyes. “None of this is your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve worked through what happened, and I’m okay.”
He raised his eyebrows at me, unconvinced.
“Well, mostly okay,” I said. “This isn’t really William’s fault either, Drew. He wasn’t himself that summer, you know that. He was a mess, and I truly believe that he didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“But all that time, I hated you. And instead I should have been there for you, Gem. How can I not blame myself for that? And Will? Don’t make excuses for him, Gemma,” he pleaded, shaking his head. “My whole life, people have made excuses for him. He hurt you. How could anyone hurt you like that?” He ran his hands through his hair, gripping the ends forcefully in despair. “I want to kill him,” he said through clenched teeth. He stood and walked away from me, pacing back and forth as he dragged his hand over his face several times. He finally stopped and placed both of his hands on a console table, leaning over it as if to calm himself.
I watched him as he sucked in long, deep breaths and blew them out forcefully—one after another. I didn’t know what to say, so I just watched him as he broke apart before my very eyes, feeling my own tears fall endlessly down my cheeks. I didn’t even move to swipe them away.
Without warning Drew suddenly let out an anguished cry as his arm swept across the top of the table, knocking everything in its path to the ground in a violent crash.
My heart stopped beating in the moment, startled by his outburst as the sound that came from his throat vibrated deep inside me. I could feel his rage as it rolled off his taut body in waves. I knew that he was moving through each stage of his grief in record time and that his anger was a valid part of it, but I also knew how that fury would burn through him, killing his soul a little piece at a time until he didn’t recognize himself any longer.
“It won’t change anything, your anger. I’ve been there, trust me. It won’t change what happened,” I said, surprised by my own voice.
He took another deep, but calming breath and knelt down in front of me again. “What do you want from me, Gemma? How can I make this better?” he asked in desperation, with a need to fix what was broken, to find a solution. It couldn’t be fixed; there was no solution. I had learned that a long time ago.
“Just hold me,” I whispered. Without hesitation, he scooped me up and pulled me into his lap. I placed my face against his chest, feeling his arms wrapped tightly around me as his hand gently brushed my hair to the side. I could feel his breath against my scalp as he rested the side of his face on top of my head, drawing me in as close as possible. His heart was beating fast and hard against my cheek, and I wondered if it was still his anger that burned through him or something else. Tears fell down my face as I remembered how badly I had needed
this from him that morning, the morning that he had broken what was left of my heart. Maybe I could finally heal, maybe we could both heal together, and I could put this all behind me for good.
Twenty-Two
I woke in the morning in Drew’s arms. We were lying on the floor just inside the door that led to the beach, wrapped up in each other, still fully clothed from the night before. We hadn’t moved the entire night. Although somehow our heads were resting on pillows from the couch and a blanket had been thrown over the top of us. Drew squeezed me tight as I stirred. My head throbbed, and my face hurt from sinus congestion, most likely from crying all night. I stretched my body as much as I could with the way Drew was holding me. My muscles felt stiff and sore. When I looked up into Drew’s face, I was surprised to find him awake and staring back at me.
“I can’t believe that I slept like this.”
“I didn’t want to wake you,” he said in a hoarse voice.
“Did you sleep?” I asked, worried by the dark circles under his eyes.
“Not really.” He sighed and pulled my face against his chest once again, threading his fingers through my hair. And, as if he had been lying there thinking the entire night, waiting for me to wake so that he could say what was on his mind, he said, “I shouldn’t have left you that night. I took you to that party, and we had all been drinking, and then I just abandoned you. I was supposed to take care of you, to protect you. I’m so sorry.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I had blamed him for so long for that very reason, for leaving me that night. But I knew in my heart that it wasn’t his fault, that he didn’t deserve the guilt that he was fighting with now. “It’s not your fault,” I said, but as soon as the words left my mouth I realized how unconvincing they were. Did I really still blame Drew?
“I couldn’t seem to let go of you the entire night. I may not have been there for you that night, but I will never let anything happen to you again.” He squeezed me tighter, and I could sense his struggle with each jagged breath he took, each one causing his body to shake.
“It’s not your job to protect me, Drew. It never was.” I said the words, but I couldn’t deny how safe I felt in his arms. I couldn’t deny how much I needed him in this moment.
After several seconds of silence, he whispered into my hair, “You’re wrong, Gemma. You’re so wrong.”
I pulled back, looking up into his eyes, and my heart broke at the fractured expression that I saw in his features. I longed to go back to the way we were before everything became so complicated, when the world was open to endless possibilities, when Drew’s smile alone could light up my life. He deserved every happiness, not all this pain and guilt from his brother’s wrath.
In that moment my stomach rumbled loudly, and we both laughed. “I’m starving,” I said. “Do you have any food around here?”
“I’m not sure,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “My housekeeper does all of the shopping, but she only comes in twice a week.”
“Well, in that case, let’s make breakfast at my place. Are Logan and Shannon here?” I asked as I sat up and pulled my hair into a ponytail.
“Yeah, they came in late last night. He supplied the pillows and blanket when he realized that I didn’t want to move you.” Drew yawned as he stretched, reaching his arms up over his head.
“Really? Well, leave them a note. They can join us for breakfast when they wake up.”
Drew sat up slowly and rested his elbows on his bent knees.
“Let’s go before I die of starvation,” I said, nudging his arm with my elbow.
“Can I at least brush my teeth and change my clothes? I still smell like the bonfire,” he said, pulling his shirt up to his face to smell it.
“Fine. Just meet me at the cabin when you’re done,” I said, standing up and realizing that I’d left my flip-flops on the beach.
“No,” he said with urgency. “Wait for me. We’ll go together. I’ll just be a minute.” Drew rushed to stand next to me, resting his hand on my arm, needing the assurance that I would wait, as if he didn’t want to let me out of his sight for a minute.
“I’ll be right here,” I said with my arms folded across my chest. I plopped down in a leather swivel chair next to me, and Drew sighed loudly as he walked to the master suite to freshen up. I turned in my chair until I was looking out the wall of glass toward the lake. The sun was still low in the sky, and the water was completely still. It was going to be a beautiful day. A sense of peace came over me as a tear slid down my cheek. It was amazing that my body was able to shed another tear, having cried nearly the entire night.
But this came from somewhere else. I felt sad, a separate emotion from the despair that I had felt last night. Sad that I had stayed away from a place that had meant so much to me. I had missed the lake and everything that it had once represented. It was a new dose of regret—as if I didn’t struggle with enough of that already. I wiped my face as I heard Drew enter the room. I slowly pivoted my chair around until I could see him. He was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a fresh T-shirt. He looked tired and sad and . . . broken.
“Ready?” he asked, grabbing a baseball cap from a hook and placing it over his messy hair. He leaned over and scribbled on a notepad, most likely leaving a note for Logan.
I took a deep breath. “Yep. My shoes are at the beach though.”
“I’ll give you a piggy back ride. Come on.” He smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his ridiculous idea.
“Seriously? I weigh a little more than I used to,” I said as I walked toward him.
“Well, lucky for you, so do I.” He turned his back to me and bent down. I jumped up on his back and wrapped my arms around his neck as he held my legs with his arms.
“Oh, my God,” he said in a strained voice, as if he were struggling to hold my weight.
I hit him on the back of the head while we stepped out the back door. As soon as the door was closed, he took off running down the driveway toward my cabin, and I screamed the whole way, most likely waking up everyone on the lane. He reached my porch, breathless, and I hopped down from his back, laughing uncontrollably. It felt good to laugh, to release a different kind of emotion than the anguish of last night.
I left Drew in the kitchen, whipping eggs and warming up the skillet, while I stepped away to change into my yoga pants and a T-shirt. I pulled my hair into a fresh ponytail and brushed my teeth. By the time I came back to the kitchen, Logan and Shannon were sitting at the table.
“Good morning, you two,” I said as I made my way back to the kitchen to make huckleberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Logan turned on the old stereo and immediately The Cars began to play. I don’t mind you coming here. Wasting all my time.
“Wow, this brings back memories,” Logan said as Drew poured hot coffee for everyone.
“Good memories,” Drew said sadly, flashing me a half-hearted smile and looking directly into my eyes while he handed me a cup of coffee.
I smiled softly at him, as if to reassure him that we were going to be okay. I could feel this intense connection between us now that we were both caught in a web of truth and secrets, of perception and uncertainty, each of us knowing that we had to find our way out but not sure how.
We spent the day together, the four of us. Eating, talking, laughing. We even played pinochle for hours, a game that my father had taught us when we were young. It was a great day, despite the way that I would catch Drew looking at me with pure heartbreak in his eyes. I knew that I couldn’t take away that pain for him; he would have to deal with it in his own way. The look in his eyes made it all real for me again, and I knew that I would have to deal with the pain all over too. I only hoped that the memory from that night didn’t destroy us, that we could find ourselves again in spite of the pain and regret.
After saying good-bye to Logan and Shannon, Drew and I stood alone, unsure of what was next. It was already getting dark outside; the entire day had been spent with Logan and Shannon, leaving far too
many things unsaid between Drew and me.
“Well, I guess I better head home. I’m beat,” Drew said, standing by the front door to the cabin.
“Drew? Will you stay with me?” I asked. “I don’t really want to be alone.”
“Oh, thank God.” He sighed in relief. “I can’t stand the thought of being away from you right now.” He pulled me against him, holding me close.
I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist, holding on to the moment as if it would be ripped away from me at any minute.
We took turns showering and then retreated to my bed. We lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling as we shared memories from our childhood. We talked about his mother, and, for the first time, Drew was able to share his real feelings about her death and how it had destroyed their family, first his father and then his brother.
It was a new perspective through the eyes of the adult that he had become, but I couldn’t help but picture Drew as a young boy, missing his mother. He told me how shameful it had felt growing up motherless and how cold his father became. He said that he missed my mother too and admitted that summer was the only time of year that he ever felt loved. It was lonely living at school without family. He had close friends there, bonding with other boys who were missing their families as well, but it wasn’t the same. My mother, Jacob, and I were the only real family that Drew had had until that last summer when he had left for good. My heart broke at his words.
I asked him why he had never returned to the lake and why he had chosen this summer to come back.
“I couldn’t face you or my brother again. And I was ashamed of the way I had treated you,” he admitted. “It was just easier to stay at school.”
“Why are you here now? What brought you back?” I asked, wondering what act of fate had brought us both here again at the same time after all these years.
“I needed a break from my life. I needed to remember who I was. This was the only place that I can remember ever being happy. So here I am.”
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