“What were you doing before you arrived?”
“I was working for the company, under my father. I was never given any other choice. I was miserable. He’s a ruthless, cold-hearted old man.”
“I’m sorry, Drew.”
“It is what it is. But I don’t want to waste any more of my life that way. I want to be happy, and that’s why I’m here. And finding you, here, after all these years, makes me happier than I could have ever imagined.” He slipped his arm under me and squeezed me closer to his side.
I breathed him in and fought the urge to place my lips on his neck or the side of his face. I needed my friend right now, and I didn’t want to complicate things. And I had to think about Ryan and the choices that I still had to make. As if reading my mind, Drew asked what I was going to do about my marriage.
“Are you going back to him, Gem?”
“I don’t know. He hurt me, but he’s still my husband. Even after everything, I can’t deny that I still love him. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, fifteen years to be exact.” Almost as long as I loved you, I thought. “That’s nearly half my life. Love like that doesn’t fade overnight. But being here with you changes everything. I feel different. I feel like I’m finding myself all over again. I hadn’t realized it, but I’ve been lost for a really long time.” A tear slipped down my cheek at this realization.
“I know the feeling,” Drew said softly as he held my chin in his hand and gently kissed away my tear.
I gazed into his eyes filled with sadness, most likely a mirror to my own. We were both broken, each in our own way. We had each come home, to this place. I had thought that I was running away by coming here, but maybe I was here because I was searching for something. Drew and I had found each other in our quest for something more, and, maybe, if we were lucky—in the end—we would find ourselves.
Twenty-Three
Drew and I spent every day together as the heat of summer forged on. Each night I found myself folded into his arms in my bed, feeling safe and loved. We didn’t plan it, and there was never any question of our plans, yet we just couldn’t seem to say good-bye, even for just a few hours. It was as if we were making up for lost time, for all the years that we had spent apart when our friendship should have been held intact. That and I still sensed that Drew didn’t want to let me out of his sight, as if he were protecting me, from what I wasn’t sure.
My dreams had seemed to recede, finding their place somewhere in the back of my mind once again, as if telling me that Drew had finally set me free from the chains that had bound me for so long. Falling asleep in his arms, knowing that he knew the truth and still cared for me, was comforting and therapeutic in its own way. The boundaries of our friendship were never crossed; Drew was a true gentleman. Although there were moments when I longed to push those boundaries, I was afraid to complicate what was happening between us. I needed him too much to risk losing him again. And the fact that I was still married was reason enough to know that someone would get hurt in the end. And we had both been wounded enough.
We spent our days lounging on the back deck near the creek, talking or reading. Drew would sit on the wraparound bench with his feet propped up on a chair, and I would lay across the bench with my head in his lap. We talked about college, our jobs, and places that we had traveled. Of course Drew had been to several more countries than I had, and his recollection of the exotic places that he had visited was fascinating. One of the many perks of private jet and yacht shares. But none of that seemed to matter to Drew.
He told about his countless relationships that he’d had over the years. Most were forgettable, with the exception of the two women who he claimed to have loved. In the end, though, he had never loved them enough.
Drew and I were sharing intimate details of our lives, and I could feel the thick bond we had once shared snap back into place, but I couldn’t deny the feeling that he was keeping something from me.
We talked about Ryan. How we met and what it was like in the beginning. It seemed like yesterday, and yet at the same time it felt like a million years ago. There was once a time when I couldn’t imagine my life without Ryan in it. We pushed each other to be better, to reach for what we wanted. So, in many ways, we brought the best out in each other. Looking back, it was hard to believe that we had lost the ability to see the world with such clarity, the way we once had.
We couldn’t even seem to see one another clearly, let alone the hustle and bustle of life surrounding us. We had lost our way, and I wasn’t sure if we could find it again. And yet I still wore my ring on my finger and continued to rationalize why Ryan would do such a thing, still imagined that I could forgive him at some point. Unwilling to accept that this was really the end. Drew just listened, without judging, without offering up advice. Letting me work through it in my own way.
***
The morning of my birthday, Drew announced that he had a surprise for me. We had always celebrated our birthdays together at the lake, given that they fell two days apart. We had parted ways early that morning so Drew could prepare whatever it was that he had planned. I was anxiously waiting for his return; I wasn’t big on surprises.
He finally appeared, looking youthfully handsome in his boarding shorts and a bright colored T-shirt. His crazy hair was hidden underneath a baseball cap. “Ready?” he asked, reaching for my hand.
“That depends,” I answered hesitantly, folding my arms across my chest.
“On what?” He withdrew his hand, resting it on his hip instead.
“Where you’re taking me.”
“It’s a surprise. Let’s go.” He ushered me toward the door as I grabbed my beach bag, packed for all sorts of possibilities. I patted the front pocket to reassure myself of the gift that I had tucked away there for Drew as we left the cabin. Drew led me to his dock where his boat was waiting, a twenty-six-foot Sea Ray, tied to the cleats where he had left it. It was a beautiful boat, fairly new, and equipped with all the bells and whistles, including the world’s smallest bathroom and a wet bar.
Once we were settled in our seats, I asked Drew the obvious, “Are we going for a boat ride?”
“Not just any boat ride. We’re going to Upper Priest.” He beamed, knowing that he had touched a nerve with his response.
Upper Priest was a three-and-a-half-mile-long body of water connected to the lower lake by a two-and-a-half-mile narrow waterway known as the Thorofare. It had been designated a “scenic area” eons ago, which offered a certain protection for this portion of the lake. It remained virtually untouched, breathtaking, and tranquil, bearing white sandy beaches and swarms of wildlife. Drew knew this to be my favorite place to visit. It was an hour boat ride to the north even at an adventurous speed, deeming it an excursion for special occasions.
“Drew, you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet,” I said playfully.
“Only you, Gem. Only you,” he said with a triumphant smile while he flipped on the blower and untied the ropes that connected us to the dock. I pulled back my hair, securing it with a hair band in anticipation of the fast, windy ride as Drew started the engine and slowly steered the boat toward open water.
Moments later we were cruising across the calm lake, taking in the sights along the shore. I felt the wind on my face, the warm sun penetrating my skin. It was a beautiful day—perfect in every way.
“So can I drive this bad boy?” I yelled over the engine and the wind when we were nearly to the channel that spilled into the calm waters of Upper Priest.
“Be my guest,” Drew said as he wrapped his hand around the throttle, gently pulling it back to slow our speed. He stood from his seat and stepped back with one hand still on the wheel, as I slipped into the driver’s seat and took control.
I held the throttle in my right hand, pressing it down as the boat gained speed.
“Easy there, tiger,” Drew yelled in the same moment that he was thrown backward from the sudden momentum.
I laughed so hard that tears sp
illed from my eyes and were instantly blown away in the wind.
Drew shook his head and carefully sat down in the seat next to me.
I steered the boat in figure eights, enjoying the calm water that we seemed to have all to ourselves. My cheeks hurt from the grin that was stretched across my face. We reached the Thorofare in record time, and I slowed the boat until the wake was nonexistent. One of the many rules of the passageway, as well as Upper Priest—no wake.
Instinctively Drew moved to take control of the helm but I wouldn’t budge.
“I got this,” I said. And then added, “What’s the matter? Don’t you trust me?” I was feeling cocky. The truth was, I hadn’t driven a boat in ages.
“It’s pretty narrow. Are you sure?” he asked, hesitantly.
“Yep, I got it,” I reiterated, as I pulled myself out of the seat and perched on the back of it for a better view.
Drew came to stand behind me, ready to grab the wheel at any moment.
The boat hummed as we puttered through the channel. It was hard to concentrate with Drew’s front pressed against my back, his arms stretched against mine as he reached out from behind me to make small adjustments on the helm every few minutes.
I could feel his breath on my neck, and my heart accelerated with pure need. We had been cuddling in my bed every night for over a week, but, for whatever reason, this felt more intimate. At night we clung to each other, struggling to heal our past, fighting against the dark, our despair heavy on our hearts. But here, in the moment, there was no darkness, only light, and our despair was hidden away, replaced by freedom and joy.
Drew was forbidden fruit in this moment, and I suddenly longed to taste it. I turned my head just slightly, my cheek touching his as I tried to meet his gaze. He turned toward me in the same breath as our gazes locked. I leaned in to meet his lips, pure longing clouding any form of rationalization that I normally would have had. The lawyer in me always pleading my case in my head, anticipating the consequences of my actions. There was nothing but Drew in this moment.
Before our lips met, we felt a jolt, interrupting the moment as we both looked straight ahead to see that we had hit a large piece of driftwood. It wasn’t serious, but it was enough to convince me that maybe Drew should take over. My head wasn’t in it anymore, which could have proven to be dangerous. I reluctantly pulled away and took a seat across from him as he maneuvered the boat in silence.
Upper Priest was everything that I had remembered. It felt like we had happened upon a secret paradise, a fantasy that I had often entertained as a child. Drew beached the boat on a secluded stretch of pristine sand. It was our beach. Growing up we had always visited the same beach. I couldn’t contain the huge grin on my face as I was assaulted with memories of this very place. I helped Drew with the blanket and large picnic basket that we set up on the sand. I raced to the tree line, searching for the old gray six-foot-tall tree stump that was lost to the taller evergreens that surrounded it. I ran my hand over the stump’s bark, searching for the smooth surface where we had carved our initials. And there it was. GL + AM, Best Friends to Infinity. Drew came up behind me as I stared at it, lost in the memory.
“I can’t believe it’s still here,” he said, reaching out to trace the letters with his finger.
“Let’s add something while we’re here,” I said, feeling like a kid again.
Drew walked to the picnic basket and withdrew the corkscrew, handing it me.
I thought for a moment and then carved the words “and Beyond” with the current date below our initials. I smoothed my hand over the wood, cleaning away the chiseled pieces that remained and handed the corkscrew back to Andrew. We both stepped away and admired the old tree and the message, new and old that it bore.
“Why do I feel like Buzz Lightyear is going to land on the beach any minute?” Drew asked with a smirk.
“Very funny,” I said with a smile, as I punched him in the arm.
I unpacked sandwiches, fruit, and chips from the basket while Drew uncorked a bottle of champagne and poured it into two glass flutes. Handing me one, he said softly, “Happy birthday, Gemma.”
“Thank you, Drew. I can’t remember the last time I had a day this perfect. And happy birthday to you too.” I clinked my flute against his and took a sip. “I have something for you,” I said, as I dug out the small wrapped box from the front pocket of my bag.
“Gemma, you didn’t need to get me anything,” he scolded with a frown.
“I wanted to, and it’s more sentimental than monetary. I mean, what do you get a man who has everything?” I teased.
He looked at me intensely and whispered, “Not everything.” I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of his words as I pushed the box into his hands.
He set down his glass of champagne, burying the base in the sand to keep it from falling over. The anticipation was killing me as he slowly unwrapped his gift. I had found my grandfather’s old compass. A special trinket that had been at the lake cabin for as long as I could remember. Drew and I had once used it for all our adventures. My father had taught us to use it so that we could always find our way home from the woods.
I had had it engraved for Drew a few weeks ago with the infinity symbol. Underneath the symbol in a beautiful cursive font it read, Some things are forever. His tattoo still haunted me, the idea that he had lost hope in us along with so many other things in life, and I wanted to remind him that our promise was still alive, even though years had passed by.
He unveiled the compass as recognition flashed across his features. He turned it over in his hand and read the inscription before picking up the small note card that I had enclosed with it. “So that we never lose our way again,” he read my words aloud. He looked at me then, his eyes full of emotion that I could not place. “Thank you. This is amazing,” he said, gripping the compass tightly in his hand. “This brings back so many memories.”
“I’m glad you like it. I wanted you to have it, to always remember.” I smiled a solemn smile, overcome with so many different emotions.
“How could I ever forget, Gem?”
His words washed over me, warming me from the inside out as we stared into each other’s eyes for a beat too long. I broke contact first, lifting my glass and finishing my champagne.
Drew rewrapped his gift and placed it inside the picnic basket.
We ate our lunch, finished our champagne, and stretched out lazily in the sun. The sun was warm, and I felt completely relaxed. For a brief moment, I felt guilty for leaving my life behind. I had left my husband, my work, my cases, my condo, my bills, my yoga class . . . all of it. I had been hiding away, neglecting my responsibilities, neglecting my life and everything that I had worked so hard to build. I pushed aside these thoughts and turned my head to look at Drew.
He was laying on his back, his chest bare, his tanned skin glistening in the sun. I took in the definition of his chest and abs, the small trail of hair that began between his pecs and led down his stomach, where it disappeared underneath his shorts. He had aged well and was possibly even more handsome than I had remembered. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me.
“What are you looking at?” Drew asked, startling me.
I blushed, completely embarrassed that I had been caught perusing his body from where I lay.
“Like what you see?” he teased, without opening his eyes or turning to look at me.
“Would it be wrong if I said yes?” I said, owning the fact that I had been caught checking him out.
He turned to his side, facing me, with his head propped up on his elbow, a complacent grin stretched across his tan face. “You think I’m hot?” he asked, and I instantly felt like we were sixteen again.
“Maybe,” I answered stubbornly, channeling my inner-teenage self.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think that you’re smoking hot, especially in that black bikini.”
His dimples were in full form from the shitty grin that was plastered across his face as
he lay down on his back, closing his eyes once again, knowing what his comment would do to me, how it would affect me. Heat gushed to my cheeks, traveling all the way down to my toes, but not before making a special stop between my legs.
My need to push boundaries, to ignore lines that I knew I shouldn’t cross, only taunted me more as the afternoon wore on. The flirting continued, and I couldn’t ignore the way Drew seemed to invade my personal space throughout the day. The way he applied sunscreen to the places that I couldn’t reach on my own, his fingers subtly brushing my breast as he rubbed sunscreen underneath the straps of my bikini top, his deft hands massaging my neck and shoulders—his hands on my skin were nearly my undoing. The way we swam together in the cool water, Drew adjusting my bikini strap when it was out of place as we found any excuse to touch one another. Lines were blurred, and our rekindled friendship hung on the fringe as something else took its place, something undeniable.
The wind was slowly picking up, and heavy clouds appeared from out of nowhere, obscuring the sun. I shivered as Drew announced that we should probably head back. The weather was shifting quickly. By the time we reached the channel it was sprinkling, the sky a canvas of dark clouds. We emerged into rough water from the Thorofare; white caps were painted across the dark surface as far as the eye could see.
“Hold on. I’m going to open her up, but it’s going to be a rough ride.”
Drew threw a navy sweatshirt at me that I pulled over my head, welcoming the warmth and the comfort. The boat sped up and bounced off each wave that we hit. I gripped the metal bar along the side of my seat, holding on for dear life. We were only halfway back when the thunder and lightning began. Bolts of lightning split the dark sky in half just moments before thunder crackled in the distance as the rain began to fall more heavily. I found myself counting in my head the seconds between the flashes of lightning and the roars of thunder. One-one thousand, two-one thousand . . .
The waves were rolling now as Drew steered the boat into them at an angle, the bow of the boat pointing to the sky before slamming down, allowing water to spill over the top. Drew gripped the wheel tightly, his knuckles white, as his gaze was fixed on the dreadful horizon. The white caps seemed to go on and on in the distance with no end in sight.
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