Gravity: A Novel

by L. D. Cedergreen

  “Yeah, of course,” he said, as he twisted a cap off another bottle of beer.

  “Don’t you think it’s weird that Drew and I were both unconscious at the same time, in the same hospital? I mean, what are the chances?” I asked.

  “Pretty bizarre,” he agreed as he picked at the label of his beer with his thumbnail.

  And then I launched into the whole story about my dream, every sordid detail, as Logan listened intently.

  “Shit, Gem. That’s crazy,” he said when I had shared the complete story.

  “Crazy, like I’m insane? Or crazy, like, crazy that happened?” I asked.

  He tilted his head to the side and gave me a look. “Of course I don’t think you’re crazy. I mean, you’re right. What are the chances? The whole tattoo thing and your pregnancy, makes you wonder, what if?” He shrugged.

  “I don’t care what anyone thinks, Logan. It was so real, I can’t deny all the coincidences.”

  “So what are you gonna do now?” he asked.

  I looked down at my hands, carefully considering his question. “I have to let Drew go. He’s gone, and there’s nothing that I can do. I have to move on.” I rubbed my hand over my belly. “I have to think about this little one.”

  “What about your husband?” Logan asked, before setting his empty beer bottle on the table next to the others.

  “I don’t know, but, honestly after the day I’ve had, . . . what he did doesn’t seem so unforgivable now. I still love him, and we’re having a baby. I guess I need to focus on that.” I turned to look at Logan again. “This whole thing has changed me though, Logan. I feel so different. The accident, the dream . . . It all changed me somehow.”

  Logan reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand. “You’ll figure it out, Gem.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, before standing up to grab another beer from the fridge. “And you’ll always have me. Anytime you need to talk,” he threw out before walking back to sit down on the couch again.

  “Thanks, Logan. What’s your story anyway?”

  “I don’t really have one. You know me. I’m not one to be tied down. I tried the married thing, but it didn’t work out.”

  “Still breaking hearts?” I asked.

  He just shrugged. “What can I say?”

  I shook my head as a smile spread across my face while Logan kept talking.

  “It’s funny. Drew told me that he always envied me. He said that I did what I did, loved who I loved, . . . that I was free to just be me. I never realized how unhappy he was until the end. It kind of makes me sad to think about it. I had always envied him because he had money. I thought that it gave him the freedom to do what he wanted, to be who he wanted to be, to really go places, ya know?” Logan looked at me with his lips drawn in, sadness woven through his expression. “But he fought against the chains that held him just as much as I did, maybe more.”

  We both let out a quiet sigh at the same time, thinking of Drew no doubt. We were all bound by invisible chains, holding us in place as if we were afraid to move on, afraid to let go. I found it unsettling that Drew never found his happiness. I sensed it in his letter, the regret, heartache—that he was never able to move on. Let go of your regrets. I could almost hear the pain laced in his words. Words that came from someone who wished they could go back and do it all over again. Someone who knew that second chances were rare and life was too short. Someone who was far too young to know the sum of their own life, to know that none of it added up to enough.

  I knew what I owed him, that I couldn’t afford to make the same mistakes. That I owed him at least that much. That maybe I was being given that rare second chance, a chance to make it right, to let go of my regrets, and to find my happiness.

  I felt Logan’s arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him. “Come here, you,” he said, almost a whisper. I leaned my cheek against his chest, inhaling the scent that was all Logan. The outdoors, cigarettes, and peppermint. Still the same. We sat in silence, lost in our grief, mourning our best friend—remembering our past.

  He wasn’t Drew, but Logan was the closest thing I had to Drew. Logan was my friend and knew Drew better than anyone. In the moment, I was thankful for that. And I knew that Drew’s memory would live on in our hearts as long as we had each other.

  ***

  When Logan dropped me off at the cabin later that night, Ryan’s car was parked out front. As I walked to the porch, a wave of emotion washed over me. I pulled open the door to the cabin and found Ryan sitting on the sofa, in silence, waiting. I glanced at my mother’s closed bedroom door, knowing that she had already turned in for the night, leaving Ryan and me alone. He rose to his feet as I closed the door behind me.

  We just stood looking at each other, in awkward silence for a moment, until I walked to him and crushed myself against him. Tears were streaming down my face. I had never been so happy to see him. He was like the light at the end of this dark day. And it wasn’t until this moment that I realized how much I loved him and how much I needed him. I felt the comfort of Ryan’s arms as they wrapped around me. He kissed my head, my ear, my neck, as I buried my face into his chest and cried.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I mumbled against his chest.

  “I’m sorry about your friend,” he whispered into my ear. “You should have told me.”

  “I had a lot of stuff to sort out. I still do,” I said in explanation.

  “I love you, Gemma. I’ll be here, waiting, while you figure it all out. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I wiped my face on his T-shirt and looked up into his warm brown eyes. I saw so much love in the way he looked at me now. I raised up on my tippy toes, bringing my lips closer to him. He leaned down into me until our lips met. A gentle connection at first, a simple brush of our lips. But seconds later our mouths crashed against each other, urgently—intensely—as all the hurt and anguish and disappointment flowed between us until there was only love and longing. We stayed like this for what seemed like forever. One thought repeatedly passed through my mind. He chooses me.

  When we finally pulled apart, breathless, Ryan brought his hands to my belly, where a small bump was finally starting to form. I looked into his eyes, full of love, and watched them fill with moisture.

  “I can’t believe that we’re finally going to have a baby,” he said with a smile stretched across his beautiful face. I smiled back, and a small laugh escaped me as a rush of happiness filled me at the thought of my baby. Tears of joy spilled down my cheeks, and I reached up and brushed them away. It was crazy to think that after everything we had been through, we were finally being given this chance at happiness. What we did with this chance, and how we embraced it, was up to us.

  Thirty-Five

  I sat on the edge of the dock, my favorite spot, and watched the sun rise over the mountain peaks in the distance. To say that I was exhausted was an understatement. Ryan and I had cuddled in the full-size bed and had talked into the late dark hours of the night. Trying to keep our voices down, so that we didn’t wake my mother who was asleep down the hall, made me feel like a teenager again. Ryan and I were adults, and we were married, but, given the circumstances, it felt like we were sneaking around.

  We hadn’t had sex, but there was plenty of kissing and caressing. We both knew that we had a lot to work out before we could move on. Once Ryan was softly snoring beside me, I had lain awake thinking about William. I couldn’t help but feel that somewhere inside I had already forgiven him. There wasn’t a definitive line between forgiving and forgetting, and I felt that maybe I was confusing the two. Nothing was cut and dry—black and white. It was messy and confusing and emotional. I couldn’t shake the realization that the William from the woods wasn’t the William that I knew, who wasn’t the William that I had seen kneeling in the dirt the day before.

  I heard footsteps approaching on the dock, the slosh of water beneath the wood almost thunderous in the complete quiet of the early morning. I didn’t turn to see who it was. It wa
s most likely Ryan, coming to find me after discovering my side of the bed empty. But, for just a moment, I closed my eyes and remembered my dream and pictured Drew standing behind me. His voice singing on the breeze as it touched my heart.

  The voice I heard was not Drew’s though; it was similar but deeper, more gruff. I stilled.

  “I thought you might like some coffee,” I heard him say as a white porcelain mug filled to the brim with steaming-hot black coffee was placed beside me. I looked at the coffee mug through the corner of my eye but said nothing in return; I didn’t move to acknowledge him.

  At my lack of response, he began to walk away, his weight causing the dock to shift and rock, spilling the coffee over the edge of the cup.

  I knew what I needed to do, what the right thing to do was.

  I turned to see him heading back toward the beach, his back to me.

  “Will,” I called out.

  He stopped and turned back to look at me. His face was contorted in pain—his jaw swollen and bruised, dark circles framed his red-rimmed eyes. It was obvious that his night had been far worse than mine.

  I took a deep breath and gathered every shred of human decency that I had, pushing aside the images from that night. I thought of Will as the boy who I remembered growing up, the smile that had once lit up his eyes, the way that Drew had looked up to his big brother, and the way that Will had protected Drew. The bond that they had shared.

  “I forgive you,” I said clearly and precisely, loud enough so that he could hear me. Who knew that three little words could be so powerful? I watched tears spill down Will’s cheeks as his next exhale of breath caused his broad shoulders to crumble. I turned back to the lake, my own tears burning through the skin on my face. That was all I had the strength to say. I heard his footsteps as they drifted farther and farther away, until there was only silence. Even my heart was silent, for once.

  ***

  I stayed on the dock until the sun had completely cleared the mountains, sipping the coffee that Will had brought me. I knew that it wasn’t good for the baby, so I only drank a small portion, just enough to warm me on the inside.

  When I finally walked back to the cabin, I found my mom sitting on the porch swing drinking her own cup of coffee.

  She smiled at me and patted the space beside her. I lowered my tired body into the wooden swing and closed my eyes briefly as we rocked gently back and forth.

  “I forgot how beautiful it is here,” she said softly, as I opened my eyes again. “You used to sit out here for hours with your father, every morning. Do you remember that?” she asked.

  “Yeah, we used to sit out here and plan our day,” I said, remembering my dad from all those years ago. What are the possibilities for today, Gemma? And then a thought occurred to me. “Mom, I don’t want to sell the cabin,” I said before I could think better of it.

  “You don’t?”

  I shook my head.

  “I want to spend summers here with this baby. I want my family to know what I know.”

  “And what is that?” she asked with a small smile pursed on her lips.

  “That this place is magical,” I said, smiling. Remembering my father’s words that he used in response to nearly every impossible question that I asked. He always said, “It’s magic, Gem. Don’t overthink it.”

  And I believed him now. Sitting on the porch swing with Drew’s presence all around me, my baby growing inside me, and my heart full of love for my husband who slept soundly inside—I believed my father. There was something magical about this place, and I didn’t want to let it go. I needed to hold on to it as if I was holding on to Drew.

  “There is something special about this place, isn’t there?” my mom agreed. She gently patted my hand where it rested on my lap. “So we keep it. If that’s what you want, we’ll keep the cabin.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief. It felt good to make a solid decision. I was so unsure of everything in my life at the moment, but I found comfort in the idea of keeping the cabin. Its very foundation gave me a sense of stability and ease. I couldn’t control most things that I had to let go of, but this . . . this I could control. I couldn’t sell the cabin. I couldn’t let go of the memories or the girl who had once lived inside its walls.

  I heard the front door creak open and looked to see Ryan standing in the doorway in a thin rumpled T-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. His hair was sticking up everywhere, his eyes lazy with sleep. He yawned while running his hand through his hair, the other hand holding a mug of coffee. He looked completely adorable, and I felt a knot form in my chest, as I was reminded of why I loved this man so much. I smiled up at him, and he smiled back with a knowing look in his eyes.

  “What are you two beautiful ladies talking about out here?” he asked as I scooted closer to my mother to make room for him on the swing. He kissed me on the cheek before squeezing in beside me.

  “We’re keeping the cabin,” I said matter-of-factly.

  “Oh, really?” he asked with a slight tease in his voice.

  “Yep. I want to spend time here, in the summers, like I did growing up. What do you think?” I asked, considering his feelings for the first time.

  “I think that’s a great idea,” he said. He brought his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him, kissing me on the head.

  I tucked a short, loose strand of hair behind my ear and nuzzled in closer to him.

  “Your hair’s growing back,” he mumbled against the side of my face.

  “Thank God.” I sighed.

  And we all laughed lightly before silence fell over us as we swayed back and forth, lost in the view.

  Later that day I walked my mother out to her car while Ryan put her suitcase in the trunk. She hugged me fiercely while she whispered in my ear, “You’re doing the right thing. He loves you.” She stepped back and handed me the keys to the cabin. “These belong to you now,” she said, as I clutched them tightly in my hand.

  “Thanks, Mom. I love you,” I said.

  Ryan walked around the car to join us and gave my mother a gentle hug, kissing her on the cheek.

  When she pulled away, she gave Ryan a stern look and said, “Take care of my baby, Ryan.” Her warning was not lost on either of us.

  Ryan stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my middle as we waved good-bye and watched my mother drive slowly down the dirt lane, leaving behind a small cloud of dust.

  When her car was no longer visible, I glanced across the road to the Monroes’ driveway. Will was loading luggage into the back of a black suburban. When he closed the back hatch, his gaze found mine. He hesitated, unsure of the appropriate acknowledgment, before he lifted his hand in a subtle wave.

  I just smiled back, not wanting to draw Ryan’s attention to Will in that moment. I would tell Ryan everything eventually, but not until we were home and away from here. I didn’t think that Will’s face could take much more pummeling. Ryan knew my past and how much I had suffered. I didn’t think he could handle facing the cause of it all.

  Will lifted his mouth on one side in an attempt to smile back, but I could see the pain in his eyes. He would live in his own prison probably for the rest of his life, but I had done my part. I had confronted him and forgiven him, and now maybe I could move on and finally heal. Whatever demons he still faced were his own doing, and there was nothing I could do to help him.

  I felt Ryan grip my hand and slowly tug me in his direction. I turned, breaking eye contact with Will, and followed Ryan into the cabin.

  Ryan pulled me into his arms once we were behind the closed door. “What now?” he asked, with his chin resting on the top of my head.

  “Let’s go home,” I said, closing my eyes for a moment in the comfort of his arms. “Tomorrow. First, I just want to sleep. I’m so tired.”

  Ryan dipped down and pulled my feet off the ground, cradling me in his arms. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed,” he said as he walked down the short hallway to the bedroom we had slept in the night
before. He laid me down and crawled in next to me, pulling the covers over the both of us. I felt him wrap his arms around me and bury his face in my hair. “Sleep,” he mumbled moments before I drifted away, finally surrendering to the darkness.

  ***

  Somewhere between the night and the dawn, I woke to find Ryan watching me intently.

  “Hey,” I whispered into the dark. He was lying on his side propped up on one elbow, his face resting in his hand. His expression was so intense, it took my breath away.

  “I love you,” he said, trailing his finger along the curve of my jaw to my lips. “The thought of losing you . . .” His voice trailed off as he began to choke up.

  “Shh, I’m right here,” I assured him.

  He kissed my cheek, and I felt his wet tears on my skin.

  “The thought of losing you was almost as unbearable as knowing that I had hurt you. You’re it for me, Gemma, and I’ve known it since the first time I met you.” He held my face in his warm hands and kissed me with the same intensity that he held in his eyes.

  I opened up for him, and he wet my lips with his tongue before entering my mouth. It brought me back to that rainy day in his car, when we had shared our first kiss. When I knew that this boy owned my heart and I was lost to him in every way. After everything that we had been through, he could still make me weak in the knees, still render me speechless. I could feel it now as my emotions swelled under his touch—at his words.

  My thoughts shifted to Drew for a moment and what I had felt for him, even if only in my mind. Drew was my soul mate. He had embedded himself into my very existence from the time I had learned to walk; he was everything to me. My family, my best friend, my first love. And he would always be there, branded on my soul forever. But Ryan was my heart. And I knew that I couldn’t live without my heart.