PIGGS - A Novel with Bonus Screenplay
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AND NOW PLAYING ON SCREEN ONE
PIGGS – The Screenplay – Written by the author.
This screenplay is unproduced. If you are interested in optioning it, please contact publisher@crossroadpress.com for information.
BLACK SCREEN
The faint sound of country music begins as:
BLACKNESS SOFTENS TO--
MOONLIT NIGHT, SUMMER IN SOUTH TEXAS
As the CAMERA SWEEPS over treetops, nearly brushing uppermost branches and MUSIC GROWS as we pass over a road jammed with cars, horns honking, headlights beaming.
CAMERA DIPS from on high as we are MOVING IN on the front of PIGGS, a sleazy, rural Texas strip joint, next door to WAN'S RESTAURANT, two establishments joined at the hip, sharing a packed parking lot.
MOVING IN FASTER on the sign above PIGGS. Pink letters flash PIGGS every second. A herd of blue neon pigs chase one another in a jerky circle around the name.
SWEEPING IN CLOSER STILL to the entry to PIGGS, crowded with rowdy guys eager to get in. The MUSIC and SHOUTING are flat out DEAFENING now. Photos of strippers are pasted on the front. One, a large photo with a caption reads:
SHE'S HERE!
THE HEAVENLY
***MISS GLORIA MUNDI***
WE RUSH past the entry now and BLAST through the door...
INT. PIGGS
into chaos, ear-splitting country-rock and the roar of the crowd.
MOVING, we elbow through the crowd into
A QUICK SERIES
Stripper on main stage, others on minor stages.
Screaming college guys and rednecks drinking and yelling at the strippers.
CUT TO:
AQUARIUM TANKS IN WALL
GUY hits on a STRIPPER WAITRESS in front of one of the joint's aquariums embedded in the walls of this FORMER SEAFOOD RESTAURANT. Behind the glass, CUTE PINK PIGLETS dash about.
CUT TO:
JACK, a weary guy in his thirties, struggles through the crowd with a tray of empty plates, glasses, etc. His face mirrors the flashing lights, and the expression of a guy permanently on the edge of an anxiety attack.
CUT TO:
CECIL'S TABLE
In a relatively quiet corner, CECIL DUPREE, owner of PIGGS, with his two aides. Cecil wears bib overalls, no shirt, no shoes. If the Godfather was LBJ.. An unfortunate, slightly off-center birthmark, similar to the Lone Ranger's mask, surrounds Cecil's eyes. Anyone who knows better avoids staring at this feature.
CAT, a big guy, stands behind Cecil. GRAPE, Cecil's right-hand man, slouches in a chair.
FAVOR HUTT KENNY
HUTT KENNY, overdressed for this joint, in a blue shirt sporting a white collar, a tie and tasseled loafers, leans across the table toward Cecil.
HUTT
What we can do, we got stuff going through Houston up to Big D. This is maybe week, week after next.
CECIL/HUTT
CECIL
Through Houston.
HUTT
Through Houston up here. We let you know when.
CECIL
This is a week.
HUTT
Week, week after next. We offload a partial here, hold the rest till we---
Cecil holds up a restraining hand.
CECIL
Whoa-whoa-whoa. What is this partial. You hear me say partial anywhere?
GRAPE
Mr. Dupree, he didn't say partial nowhere.
ANGLE ON HUTT
HUTT
The partial thing...that's just temporary, you know? You get the partial. Junior gets paid, coupla days, you get the rest.
WIDEN SCENE
Cecil smiles. You wouldn't want him to smile at you like that.
CECIL
Got it. I pay for the whole thing, you give me half.
HUTT
(tries to please)
You get it all, Mr.Dupree. Two, three days outside. We are not looking to inconvenience you. It's bidness is all it is.
QUICK SERIES:
Stripper action.
Jack coming through the crowd with his tray.
Guys crowd along the bar. FAVOR back of one guy in a leather aviator jacket.
BACK TO SCENE
Cecil frowns, thinks about Hutt's proposition, looks at his hands.
CECIL
Just---bidiness...
HUTT
Yes, sir.
CECIL
I am glad to hear this, as I'm a bidnessman myself. Mr. Ambrose Senior and I, we go way back. There has never been a financial problem with either him or me.
HUTT
If you know Mr. Ambrose, you know he's not active in the business anymore.
CECIL
I know he's got a serious problem with his parts. I know he's got a dick could fall off most any time. So what does this infirmity have to do with me, Mr. Hutt?
Hutt loosens his tie, wipes a hand across his face.
(rapid dialogue)
HUTT
Kenny...
CECIL
What?
HUTT
Hutt.
CECIL
What?
HUTT
Hutt. Hutt Kenny, The Hutt comes first. Lotta people, they get it wrong that way.
ON CECIL
Cecil just looks at him.
HUTT
HUTT
I need to use the john, if your guy could tell me where...
Hutt stands, straightens his shirt. Grape stands too. Cecil barely nods. A bar girl is right there, at once.
CECIL
Get me a cold one, honey. Get Mr.---get him whatever he wants.
HUTT
Nothing for me, thanks.
Cecil pays no attention.
BACK TO SCENE
HUTT
I want to say Mr. Ambrose Junior is sincere in his desire to do bidiness with you, Mr. Dupree.
CECIL
You get back to Ba-ton Rouge, Mr. Hutt? You tell Mr. Junior Mr. Cecil R. Dupree would be delighted, he could take time from pursuing his daddy's business to give me a call. Tell him I would be fucking grateful for that.
Cecil's smile makes Hutt slightly ill.
HUTT
I...can do that. Yes, sir, I surely will...
Cecil's look holds Hutt until Grape breaks the spell, walks Hutt off the other way.
CUT TO:
POV CECIL
Grape and Hutt move toward the bar.
BACK TO SCENE
Cecil, thoughtful.
CECIL
You've got your blue shirt, it's blue. Whole thing is blue. Collar's same as the shirt. The collar and the shirt aren't different, they're the same.
Cecil looks up at Cat. Cat nods without expression.
BACK TO SCENE
CECIL
Ambrose senior is out of it, Cat. His kid is bringing people in from the East. Rhode fucking Island somewhere. This is most alarming to me...
Cecil shakes his head. There's a loud cheer from the floor and he lifts his glass, looks in that direction.
CENTER STAGE
MUSIC: THEME FROM CSI.
GLORIA MUNDI, gorgeous and totally self-centered, does her strip number on the main stage and crowd goes nuts.
NEAR THE BAR
As Grape leads Hutt past the bar they pass JACK, going the other way. He's watching Gloria, awestruck. Someone nearly knocks him down.
CENTER STAGE
A drunk bites Gloria on the rear. Gloria gives a fake smile, keeps going.
RICKY/GLORIA
In that instant, Banker RICKY CHAVEZ, a Latino in an expensive western-cut suit, python boots, grabs the offender, punches him in the gut. No one notices.
Ricky gives Gloria a formal nod. Gloria misses this chivalrous act.
NEAR THE BAR
A guy at the bar in a leather jacket (we don't see his face) says something to his buddy as Hutt passes. Laughter. Hutt looks angry, Grape quickly leads him away.
MOVING SHOT
On the way backstage
GLOR
IA stalks offstage, furious, passes stripper ALABAMA STRAIGHT in tacky hillbilly outfit, going on stage.
DISC JOCKEY (O.S.)
Let's hear it for our little Southern honey, Miss Alaaaaaabama Straight!
MUSIC: Helen Reddy's I Am Woman
CLORIA
(in passing)
Watch your ass, honey.
DRESSING ROOM
Gloria slams the door behind her.
In the cramped room are WILDA HARE, in bad bunny outfit; MINNIE MOUTH, in "mousey" strip outfit. Gloria tries to see her own butt in the mirror.
GLORIA
Son of a bitch. Little fucker bit me. Look at that. Does it show or anything?
Wilda barely looks up from a tiny TV.
MINNIE
It's red is all.
GLORIA
If it penetrates the skin, I will have to get a shot. Any doctor will tell you a dog's mouth is more sanitary than a man's.
WILDA
(eyes on TV)
This woman in Rose Hill, North Carolina won Eight...Thousand...Dollars. Doesn't look like she could safely open a can.
Minnie primps.
MINNIE
It was on the news about this continental drift? I don't like the sound of that.
WILDA
Don't believe everything you hear. They make it all up.
MINNIE
Not Bill O'Reilly doesn't.
Gloria is still studying her rear.
GLORIA
I bet it was a damn college kid. You don't know where they've been.
Minnie attaches her "rat" tail.
MINNIE
This look all right?
WILDA
Terrific, hon.
Gloria looks to heaven, goes through an inner door toward the john as Minnie leaves and the crowd cheers.
MUSIC: The Shadow of Your Smile
Alabama comes off, disheveled. Passes Minnie going on.
ALABAMA
I do not mind vulgar and crude. A person who is mentally detached, that is something else again.
Wilda doesn't look up from the TV.
WILDA
My lawyer inna divorce? Tried to get me to sit on a baked potato. Said not many girls would do it.
Alabama looks alarmed.
ALABAMA
Shoot, I wouldn't either...
SOUND of toilet flushing.
EXT. PASSAGEWAY between PIGGS and WAN'S
Jack passes through with a bucket of dirty dishes. Looks as if he might throw up (he often looks this way.)
SOUND, Rowdy hoots and car horns from the parking lot.
Jack stops halfway, hears a sound like someone left the hose on. Looks to his left.
POV JACK
A drunk is urinating against the wall.
JACK
Hey, cut that out. We got restrooms for that.
THE DRUNK Doesn't stop.
THE DRUNK
Phuuu-phuuga you, man.
JACK turns away in disgust, bursts through the door to the KITCHEN AREA of WAN'S.
WAN'S KITCHEN
Confusion reigns. Steam rises from woks where ORTEGA, an older Latino stirs up various batches. This is a Chinese place, but Ortega wears one of those baggy "Viva Zapata" suits. RHINO, manager of Wan's, yells at Jack.
RHINO
What the fuck you doing, Jack? Where you been? Get in here!
JACK
You said get the dishes..
RHINO
I fucking know what I said. You don't got to tell me what I said.
Jack sets the dishes in the sink, turns on the hot water.
JACK
You said get the dishes, I got the dishes.
Ortega is stir frying. Begins to sing in his usual heavy accent. Jack, smelling the fumes and dirty dishes, looks sick.
ORTEGA
Dancing in the dark...I am the romancing, dancing in the dark...
JACK
Shut the fuck up.
ORTEGA
I am taking the chances, dancing in the--
Jack loses it, lunges at Ortega Rhino holds him off.
RHINO
Hey--hey--hey!
JACK
Watch your mouth. Close it, I'll close it for you.
Rhino glares at Ortega.
RHINO
You got something to do?
Ortega doesn't answer.
RHINO
Jesus...
Rhino stalks off through the door to the dining area. Dead silence in the kitchen.
ORTEGA
I am only the kidding and joking about, Jack. One must not take affront when the humorous patter is coming from a friend.
JACK
Yeah, well we're not, so keep the humor to yourself.
Rhino comes back in,
RHINO
(to ortega)
Got orders. Get out there.
Ortega makes a face, as Rhino takes over the cooking. Ortega leaves quickly through the door to the dining area.
WAN'S DINING AREA
Ortega waits on a COUPLE. They are bewildered by his Zapata outfit. MALE DINER glances at the menu again.
MALE DINER
Is this a ory-intal place or what?
ORTEGA
Si, it is indeed.
MALE DINER
Doesn't look like any I ever been to.
ORTEGA
You are familiar with the customs of the Chinese peoples?
MALE DINER
No, I'm not.
ORTEGA
I did not think so...
KITCHEN
Ortega re-enters.
RHINO
What?
ORTEGA
He wants to give the menu further consideration.
RHINO
Shit...
(beat)
Rhino stacks plates on Jack's tray.
RHINO
Garlic shrimp, lemon chicken, hot and sour. Don't goof around. Cecil don't like it cold.
Jack looks pained.
JACK
Aw, let Ortega do it. Cecil don't like me, you know that.
RHINO
I don't like you either. Get the fuck out of here.
Jack starts off with the tray, looks pained.
PIGGS: CECIL'S TABLE
(It's as if Cecil has never stopped orating)
CECIL
..A man wearing a shirt one color, the collar's different from the rest? What you are seeing is a person of the New York persuasion. This is how you tell.
Cecil looks up at Cat.
WIDEN SHOT
Cat nods. Grape and Hutt return. Cecil frowns. He smells trouble.
CECIL
What?
HUTT
Nothing, no big deal.
GRAPE
Ol' boy called him a fag. Said he was wearing funny shoes.
CECIL
Who was that? You know who it was?
GRAPE
Skinny guy. Short hair, leather jacket.