by K. C. Lynn
“I’m so fucking sorry.” I place my hands gently on his shoulders, my forehead dropping onto his bloody, gaping chest as despair shreds me from the inside out.
“Tell Gina and my baby girl I love them.” His words are muted as he chokes on his blood, and it’s then I can no longer listen to him suffer.
“God, forgive me.” Those are my last words before pushing on his shoulders and driving the hook through his heart, stealing his last breath.
It’s instant, his lifeless eyes staring back at me. My knees crumble beneath me, guilt swallowing me whole.
The roar that rips from my chest shreds my vocal cords. I stare down at my hands stained red—blood that will forever tarnish my soul—and know that I’ll never be the same again.
Thrusting back to the present, the agony in my chest is just as prominent as the day I took my friend’s last breath. Tears soak my face as I pick up the Beretta in front of me, the cold steel as heavy in my hand as the remorse that bears down on my tortured heart.
Billy’s plea whispers in my mind and the urge to end it all becomes so strong. My hand shakes with the solution I hold in it, my soul yearning for redemption, but the moment my mind goes there, another voice invades my thoughts.
“I wuv you, Kistipher.”
My eyes squeeze shut to block it out only to have another one emerge, this one from the girl I promised to care for her entire life.
“Promise you’ll never leave me?”
Ruthie’s words bang around inside my head, weakening my resolve before Faith’s follows after.
“I’d never survive it if something happened to you.”
Unique pale eyes assault me next, stealing my every thought.
“Whatever it is that you think you’ve done. No matter what it is…I forgive you.”
I drop my head down on the table, the sob I’ve been trying to bury exploding from my chest. “I’m so fucking sorry, Billy. So goddamn sorry.”
Drowning in my turmoil, I do the only thing I can think of and pray for my salvation.
CHAPTER 27
Cade
An unexplained tightness in my chest rouses me from my slumber. Opening my eyes, I look at the clock and see it’s three in the morning. My breathing is shallow as I try to shake this sudden feeling plaguing me.
I reach for my cellphone and find a text message. My finger grazes the screen and I freeze, my blood running cold when I see it’s from Christopher and it was sent only a moment ago.
“I need help.”
The three words put me in motion. Throwing off the blankets, I climb from bed and swipe my jeans off the floor, remembering what a mess he was when he got home earlier. Faith tried talking to him, even Ruthie, but all he wanted was to be alone. Something I can understand. After talking with Cooper, he told me Alissa wasn’t in much better shape when he left her earlier.
I figured that’s what he was upset about but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along.
The thought makes me sick.
“Cade?” Faith murmurs, rubbing sleep from her tired eyes. “What is it?”
“I need to see Christopher.”
She shoots upright, sensing the concern I’m trying to hide. “What’s happened?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, throwing my shirt on over my head.
She flies out of bed, moving for the closet. “I’m coming with you.”
“No!” I grab her shoulders, halting her quick pursuit. “You need to stay here.”
“Why? You’re scaring me,” she whispers, her lip trembling. “Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure, Red. That’s why I don’t want you there. Not until I know more.”
A fearful sob tumbles past her lips. I pull her against me, enveloping her slender body in my arms. “It’ll be okay, baby. Just stay here, and I’ll call soon.”
“Take care of him.”
“You know I will.”
Dropping a kiss on her head, I leave the room. My eyes land on Ruthie’s open door where I find her standing, wearing her boxer shorts and my muscle tank, her tear-filled eyes bright with fear.
“It’s Christopher, isn’t it? That’s where you’re going?”
I nod, unable to lie to her. I think we all knew this day would come. “It’s going to be fine, kid. Go sit with Faith. I’ll call soon.”
As much as I want to keep assuring her, I can’t waste any more time.
Every second matters right now.
She heads down the hall to our room as I descend the steps. Once I’m out of the house I move quickly, urgency propelling me forward.
“Promise me, if it gets to be too much you will come to me. You will ask me for help.”
Doubt burns inside of me as I wonder if I should have pushed harder. The thought of failing him like I did my sister completely destroys me.
All the lights are off when I reach his place. I leap up the porch steps, two at a time, and barrel through the unlocked door. My swift feet falter, the blood in my veins turning to ice at the sight I’m met with.
The boy I helped raise. A kid I love as if he were my own flesh and blood sits at the kitchen table. The moonlight cascades in through the window, shining directly on him and the gun he holds in his hand.
Terror stops my heart from fucking beating. “Is that loaded?”
He nods but doesn’t look at me, his eyes remaining on the Beretta. “Have you ever done something that you didn’t think you could live with?” The sound of his voice is unrecognizable. It’s raw—broken.
One I know better than anyone.
“No. Never. And I’ve been through some pretty rough shit.”
Silence fills the room yet his despair is deafening.
“I’m looking at something right now though that I wouldn’t be able to live with. Neither can Faith or your sisters,” I add, my teeth grinding as I fight against the clenching in my chest. “You’re stronger than this, Christopher.”
A choked laugh escapes him, the sound as broken as he looks. “You have no idea what I’ve done. You’d be so ashamed if you knew what a dishonor I was.”
“No.” I shake my head, refusing to believe that. “I know you. I know who you are, and I’ve never been more proud to call you family.”
There’s a hitch in his breath as he chokes back his emotion.
“Whatever it is that happened, you can get through it. I did. Jaxson and Sawyer did, too.”
“For some of us there is no redemption. No…absolution.”
“Bullshit!” My voice carries through the room, feeling like I’m losing this battle. “My sister bled out in my fucking arms. I was taunted by sick pieces of shit who raped my woman, and I was helpless to do anything about it. I know how fucking bad life can be. Don’t make me live with another thing on my conscience, Christopher. Lose the fucking gun, now!”
A strangled noise erupts from his throat as he drops his head down on the table. His shoulders that have carried more burden than he ever should have shake with his haunting pain.
“I killed him,” he cries, his words muffled while his head remains buried in his arms. “I fucking killed my best friend.”
With my chest on fire, I walk forward, taking the gun that now lies on the table in front of him. I move it behind me then sit in the chair next to him, pulling it up close. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
He lifts his head but stares straight ahead, refusing to look at me.
He’s always had too much damn pride, which is why it has gotten this far out of hand. For that, I blame myself.
He starts from the beginning, telling me how the mission he was on turned into a clusterfuck, that he went back for Billy and with that decision came a heavy consequence.
I had no idea about their captivity. It dredges up my own dark memories from the past. Except his didn’t end as well as mine. It kills me to know that the kid I’ve raised to be the best he can be, had to endure a nightmare like mine.
War is hard and I knew it would change him, but I prayed h
e would never experience the kind of hell the three of us lived through. It’s never easy but some people in the military go their whole lives never knowing that kind of hell. Jaxson, Sawyer, and I aren’t in that category and now neither is Christopher.
My strong stomach rolls when I hear how he found Billy and what he was forced to do. I can hear the shame, guilt, and overwhelming despair.
“I didn’t know what to do,” he chokes out through his grief. “I didn’t want to do it.”
“There was no other choice, Christopher. As hard as it was, you did the right thing. You have to know that.”
He shakes his head, refusing my words.
“Look at me.” I grip his chin, forcing his eyes to mine, and what I see staring back at me is something I used to look at on a daily basis. “If Billy had been Sawyer or Jaxson, I would have done the same thing.”
My words inflict hope in his expression.
“What you did was not a dishonor, not to you, your country, or Billy. It was an act of courage.”
He exhales painfully. “How can you say that to me?”
“Because it’s the truth! You will never be the same again, Christopher. Death changes us. I think about my sister every fucking day. Every second I miss her and wish for what could have been.” My eyes burn as I admit what I have never told anyone. “But we learn to live with it.”
“Did you ever think about ending it? To stop the pain.”
I nod. “A couple of times. Before meeting Faith. I think it would be normal for anyone to consider it having gone through what we have. What matters is not taking the easy way out and we didn’t because we’re stronger than that. You are stronger than that. Which is why you sent me the text message and kept your promise.”
His jaw hardens, tears of pain tracking down his face again. “It’s the guilt, man,” he manages through clenched teeth. “It just keeps fucking festering inside my head like cancer until I can’t take it anymore. I try so fucking hard but I can’t beat it.”
The admission has agony ripping my chest apart. My hand hooks behind his head, pulling him in close. “We’re going to get you help, kid. We’re going to make it better,” I promise.
Silence fills the air but his doubt is loud.
“I’m going to make arrangements for you at the center,” I say, standing. “We’ll see if we can get in tonight.”
“Stay there?” he asks, clearly not liking the idea.
“It’s for the best. Just until Anna thinks you can start doing outpatient.”
You can tell he’s not keen on it but he nods his agreement.
I head into his room to call Anna and feel bad for waking her, but I don’t want to talk to anyone else. I’m able to secure him a spot and she even agrees to meet us there.
After I get off the phone with her, I’m about to dial Faith but I hear her soft voice float from down the hall. Leaving the room, I walk back into the kitchen and find her standing in front of Christopher. She holds him close, her hands running through his hair as she reassures him everything will be all right.
Her emotional green eyes shift to mine, tears of sorrow staining her cheeks. “God gives the toughest battles to the strongest soldiers, and both of them belong to me.”
Little does she know, she’s the strongest of us all.
This is why I know he’ll be okay, because Faith always makes it better. She can heal any wound with the simplest touch.
She healed the most broken one of all.
CHAPTER 28
Alissa
Ryan and I sit at what used to be our parents’ kitchen table, cold drinks in front of us while we take a break from packing.
A week has passed since I was betrayed by a man who was supposed to love me. A man whose company, money, and pride meant more to him than the life of his wife’s daughter.
This should explain my broken heart and shattered world, but the pain I’ve been enduring is far less about him and more about losing the man I love with every fiber of my being. With each passing day that I don’t hear from him, my longing grows.
“Did the real estate agent say how long it will take to sell this place?” Ryan asks, breaking into my sad thoughts.
“She thinks it will sell quickly but I don’t see how. Who is going to want it after they find out what happened just outside this house…” I trail off, remembering whom I’m talking to. “Sorry.”
His eyes skirt away but not before I witness the hurt in them. “I’m the one who’s sorry,” he says, swallowing hard. “I should have seen it coming. I should have known what he was dealing with.”
“No one could have ever guessed this. Not even his own wife suspected.”
She had no idea until she overheard him on the phone, getting word that Diego Juarez was arrested for tampering with my car. When my mother confronted him, angry and betrayed, she told him she was calling the police. Richard panicked and struck her.
Turns out Richard made a bad investment, one that cost his company greatly. To the point where he would have had to declare bankruptcy. Unless he came up with the money he lost. That’s where Kenya came in, hoping my father’s money would bail him out. When that fell through, he got desperate and decided my life insurance would suffice instead.
Betrayal thickens my throat as I think about the lengths he went to all for the sake of his company. It’s something I will never be able to forgive. Knowing he’ll spend the rest of his life behind bars is the only measure of comfort I’ve felt. That and it brought Christopher to me again. Even if only for a short time.
“Still. I feel responsible,” Ryan continues. “I worked at the company for fuck’s sake. I had no idea we were in any financial trouble and even then, I didn’t think he would ever…” He shakes his head, his expression twisting in grief.
His father is all he has. His mother left them when our parents had an affair, and as far as I know, Ryan has no relationship with her.
Reaching out, I touch his hand. “It’s not your fault. No one blames you so you shouldn’t blame yourself.”
I feel his eyes on me, tension thickening the air. Before he can get the wrong idea, I remove my hand and look away.
“I should get going.”
Nodding, I stand and walk him to the door.
“Can you tell Helen I said bye?”
“I will. You know she doesn’t blame you either, right? She still loves you.” I feel the need to tell him this, for him to know he’s not alone. He and my mother bonded much more than Richard and I ever did. They even had a better relationship than I did with her.
Although, I have to admit, she’s trying. She knows she’s partly to blame for this and has a lot to make up for.
“And what about you, Alissa?” he asks, his eyes holding mine.
“What about me?”
“Where do I stand with you?”
I take a moment to think about his question. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Sometimes I think you’re a decent human being, like right now. But then other times I think you’re the biggest asshole and want to throat punch you.”
He smirks at my honesty. “I guess I deserve that.”
“It’s not an insult. It’s the truth. You know our relationship has never been very good.”
He reaches out, touching my cheek. “That’s because I want a part of you that you won’t let me have.”
“Don’t,” I whisper, sidestepping his grazing fingers.
“He doesn’t deserve you.”
“You don’t know him like I do.”
“He left you. Twice. That’s all I need to know.”
“He’s going through a lot right now. Things you know nothing about.”
And neither do I because he’s shut me out.
The reminder has my crumbling heart pinching in my chest.
“Alissa…” Ryan steps forward but I retreat, my arms wrapping around my middle.
“Please. Don’t do this. I’m in love with him and that’s not going to change anytime soon.”
Pro
bably never.
He doesn’t like my declaration but accepts it. “All right. Well, maybe when we run into each other we can at least say hi.”
“Of course. Don’t be an asshole and I’ll even have a full conversation with you.”
The response makes him chuckle. “Deal.”
I smile back at him, hoping he means that.
“I guess I’ll see you around?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
He opens the door, revealing Faith on the other side.
“Faith,” I greet her, my surprise evident.
“Hi. I’m sorry to bother you. I was hoping you had a minute?”
“Of course, come in.”
She flashes Ryan a polite smile before walking past him and pulling me into a hug.
I hold onto her for a really long time, feeling like I’m finally getting a small part of Christopher for the first time since he walked away.
The click of the door sounds upon Ryan’s departure.
Faith steps back, her eyes holding the same pain I have in my heart. “Can we talk?”
Nodding, I lead her into the living room and sit next to her on the couch, my curiosity piquing as I wonder why she has come to see me. I haven’t spoken to her since she called to tell me that Christopher checked into the Men of Honor Center. She didn’t give me many details but by the sorrow in her voice I knew something had happened that hurt her deeply.
As much as that pains me, I’m glad he’s finally getting the help he needs. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy, even if it’s without me.
“How is he?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“I’ve been told he’s doing well. We haven’t been able to see him. He’s not allowed visitors yet. But he did write me a letter and he sent one for you, too.” She hands me a sealed envelope.
Hope fills my wounded heart, my hand shaking as I stare down at the letter.
“You know, when I took Christopher and Ruthie in, my goal was to give them a loving home and try to mend the damage their father caused,” she starts quietly. “Ruthie was a lot younger so she was more receptive to being told what a beautiful person she is. It took some time but between Cade, me, and Christopher, she learned to love herself and see how truly amazing she is.” She pauses, her bottom lip quivering as she tries to keep her composure.
