by K. C. Lynn
I reach for her hand, offering comfort.
“Christopher was different though. He spent more years with his father and even though he fought through it for the sake of his sister, some wounds never heal. Especially the ones that can’t be seen.”
It hurts me to think about all he endured at the hands of his father. One of the things I admire most about Faith is that she stepped in and saved him from that life when not many people would have. If not for her, I hate to think where he would be now.
“Every day I told him I loved him. Told him how talented he was and how proud I was of him, but he didn’t believe in himself the way I did. Then one day, I began to see a subtle change in him. He started getting up a little earlier in the mornings before school. He spent more time on his hair and even asked me to take him shopping one day.”
Her smile brings one of my own.
“As days went on, that doubt in his eyes began to fade, and as much as I wish I could take the credit for it, I know I was a much smaller piece to the puzzle.”
My aching heart begins to swell, knowing where she’s going with this.
“When you two first started dating, he came to me and asked if I could help him think of the perfect gift for you. We brainstormed for hours but everything I suggested wasn’t good enough. He told me it had to be amazing, something worthy of you, but he wasn’t sure if such a thing existed.”
My breath hitches as I become riveted to every word she breathes.
“I finally looked at him and said I knew of only one thing worthy enough for her. Then I pointed at his chest and said, ‘you.’ Give her your heart because that’s something no one else can give her but you.”
Covering my face, I sob into my hands, crying for the boy who never knew his worth.
Faith pulls my hands from my face and holds them in hers, the emotion in her eyes mirroring mine. “I know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love himself. I also know what it’s like to live with the memories of war. It’s a dark place and changes a person forever. But love can overcome hate and light will always prevail over darkness.”
“I love him so much, Faith,” I confess. “I always have.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here to tell you not to give up on him. I know without a doubt that man loves you with his whole heart, Alissa. The problem is he doesn’t love himself enough.”
He never has. If only he could see just how extraordinary he is. If only my love for him was enough…
A sound at my back interrupts our conversation.
Faith tenses, her eyes moving over my shoulder.
Turning, I find my mother. The tears in her eyes prove she’s been listening in.
“Hello, Faith.” She nods in greeting.
“Helen.” Faith is civil but lacks her usual kindness, and I can’t blame her.
“I should get going.” She climbs to her feet, giving me a small smile. “We’ll keep in touch. Feel free to come by any time. I know the girls would love to see you.”
“I’d like that, too.” I pull her in for one last hug, my mouth close to her ear. “Thank you…for everything.”
“You will always be a part of my family. Never forget that.” Stepping back, she heads for the door but my mother intercepts her before she can make her escape.
“I’m sorry for hurting you and your family.”
Silence settles over the room like a dark, storm cloud.
“I appreciate the apology, Helen, but it’s Christopher who deserves one, not me.” She walks out the door, leaving my mother and me alone.
“I really have hurt a lot of people, haven’t I?” she says, guilt thick in her voice.
I nod, unwilling to hold back the truth. “For years I tried telling you how wrong you were about him but you wouldn’t give him a chance. You judge him on where he came from when you should have only judged him for how much he loved me.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Why now?” I ask, feeling that old resentment bubbling up to the surface.
She shrugs. “I realize I’ve been wrong about a lot of people, including Richard. It’s probably not the answer you want to hear but it’s the only one I have. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, and I just want the chance to make them right.”
“Some damage can’t be undone.” Walking past her, I climb the stairs to my old room, needing to be alone with my conflicted thoughts.
I step over the packed boxes and sit down on my bed, staring at the letter in my hands. Unable to withhold reading it for one more second, I tear it open and begin reading.
Lis,
Over the years I’ve realized there are moments in our life that irrevocably change us, but there is one in particular that changed mine forever. It was the first day I laid eyes on you. The day I found a piece of heaven to help get me through the hell I was living in.
I remember walking out of the new school I didn’t want to be in, feeling angry as usual about the hand I was dealt, when a soft, infectious laugh floated through the air and stopped me in my tracks. It was the best melody that had ever fallen upon my ears. It washed over me, igniting a warmth in my chest that I never even knew I was capable of feeling.
I lifted my head, in search of where it came from, and my heart stopped beating altogether. There, across the way, stood the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, laughing with a group of her friends.
Feeling the weight of my stare, her eyes found mine and the ground fell out from under me. I tried to look away, not wanting to get busted like an idiot, but her unique irises anchored me in place.
I waited for disgust to reflect back at me, because it was usually what I got from people. Instead though, she smiled. A smile that lit up every dark place I had inside of me.
Suddenly, my dark world became a little brighter.
The words begin to blur, and I have to look away for a moment to compose myself. I remember the day he speaks about so vividly because I felt the exact same way about him. Something that I wish I would have told him now.
Faith came along shortly after that and from there things only got better. Because the girl I dreamed about, the one who could have anyone in the world, for some crazy fucking reason she chose me.
I had you. I loved you and then I lost you. Something I swore I would never let happen, and I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I was doing the right thing, but the right thing never felt so wrong.
In the five years I was away from you, I never stopped loving you, Alissa, and every second I regretted the decision I made to walk away.
But in those years, I also learned a lot about myself, especially in the Navy. I was stronger than I thought and exceeded even my own expectations. I also met this guy who became my best friend. Billy was crazy, funny, and oftentimes annoying. Something he prided himself on, especially with me. But more than any of those things, he was honorable. Together, we fought alongside each other for our country and the people we loved. He was the brother I never had.
One day it all went terribly wrong and it’s another moment that not only changed my life but also altered the very foundation of who I am. With it came a guilt so strong. One I’ve come to learn no one can make go away but myself.
I finally see that now and I’m trying. Not only for myself but also for us.
Five years ago I didn’t think it was fair to ask you to wait for me. Well, I’m going to now. I’m going to be selfish and ask you to do just that. I’m praying I didn’t fuck things up beyond repair. Because I’m coming back for you, and once I do, I’m never letting you go.
I need you because you’re my anchor. My light. My salvation in the night. My angel. My peace. The best part of me.
I love you. Please, wait for me.
I fall to my back and clutch the letter to my chest, crying tears for the both of us, but more than anything, I cry for the hope I’ve once again been given.
CHAPTER 29
Christopher
Three weeks later
&nbs
p; Courage comes in many forms and sometimes in order to find it you must battle your darkest demons.
This is just one of the things that I’ve learned over the last few weeks while being here at the Men of Honor Center.
Confessing to Cade what happened with Billy that fateful day unlocked something inside of me. It allowed me to unload the burden I couldn’t help but carry. Forgiving myself will take a little more time, but after a lot of reflection, I’ve accepted that his death was inevitable. It still hurts like hell, and I’m not sure that regret will ever go away but instead of dwelling on the things I can’t change, I’ve learned to embrace the things I can.
I will follow through on my promise about watching over Gina and Christin. To make sure his daughter knows just how brave and courageous he was. For her to know that he died a hero. Not only for his country but also for his best friend.
I’m going to make things right again. Not only for my sake but also for my family and the girl I love. I just hope it’s not too late with her.
“Okay, just one more signature and you are a free man,” Anna says, sliding the last of the release papers across her desk to me.
After signing it, I drop the pen and relax back in my chair.
“Admit it, Walker. You’re going to miss this place.”
My brow lifts at her knowing smile. “I’ll be back next week for my regular scheduled appointment.”
“True but it’s not the same. No more pancake breakfasts with fresh blueberries and whipped cream.”
“Faith is a good cook and easy to convince,” I tell her dryly.
“Come on. It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“No. It wasn’t,” I admit honestly, my smirk fading. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Anna. This is a great place and you’re doing good things here.”
Her lips lift in a soft smile. “Thanks. It’s the least I can do after the sacrifices you all have made for us and this country.”
Not many people stop and think about that let alone appreciate it, but Anna does. She has seen the dark side of war. She’s a good reminder that some horrific things can happen at the right time. If Cade, Sawyer, and Jaxson had not been held in captivity for that week in Iraq, she would not have been rescued from the sex traffic operation she was forced into and wouldn’t be here doing the good she is now. She’s done a lot, not only for homeless veterans but also for so many like myself.
There are many forms of post-traumatic stress. Sometimes it’s hard for people to return as a civilian after living in war for so many years, witnessing things that not even most people’s darkest nightmare could conjure up. Then there are other situations like mine. When one incident in particular irrevocably changes their life and they have to live with consequences of that moment.
War changed me indefinitely. I’ve killed countless times for the sake of my country and its freedom but it was the one death I was forced to take that changed my existence forever.
“How are you liking Dr. Major?” she asks, talking about the therapist I’ve been seeing for my sessions. Thankfully, she knew I wouldn’t be comfortable talking to her about it.
I shrug. “He’s good…for a shrink.”
She cringes at my lack of terminology. “Therapist, counselor… Take your pick, but not shrink. I hate that word.”
I chuckle. “For a therapist, I like him. I appreciate he can relate.”
Dr. Major is a veteran himself, and even though he did not go through what I did, he can understand it better than someone who has never experienced the brutal reality of war.
“I’m glad to hear that. I hope you’ll continue to enjoy working with him.”
“I’m sure I will.”
As much as I enjoy talking to any shrink.
I forgo speaking that out loud though and stand. “If there’s anything I can ever do to help here, just let me know.”
“Thank you. I might just take you up on that.”
“Anytime. I mean that, Anna.”
She walks over and wraps her arms around my waist, giving me a brief hug. “You’re a good man, Christopher Walker… A man of honor.”
“Yeah, well, I learned from the best.” I don’t need to elaborate. We both know I’m talking about the three men that saved her life one whom I’m lucky enough to call family.
“You sure did,” she agrees, smiling up at me. “I’ll see you next week?”
“Yeah. See ya.”
Grabbing my bag, I sling it over my shoulder and pick up my guitar, something that helped keep me sane while I was in here.
The sun is warm when I step outside and the air feels fresher. The entire world feels a little different. A good different. Like I can finally breathe without the pressure of the past weighing down on me.
Parked on the side of the street waiting for me is Cade. He leans against his truck, arms crossed over his chest. I haven’t seen my family since I checked in, except for him. I could have had visitors two weeks ago but I didn’t want the others to see me in here.
Cade was different though. Our relationship has shifted—strengthened—since the night I told him everything. He shared his weaknesses with me because I showed him mine. I always thought of him as indestructible, but I now realize he bleeds the same pain and harbors the same guilt when it comes to his sister. He gets it, and I can only hope that one day I’ll be half the man he is.
Pushing off the truck, he takes my guitar from me then pulls me in for a quick hug. Something that would have been awkward a few weeks ago but not anymore.
“You look good, kid.”
“Thanks, I feel good.”
He claps me on the shoulder. “Let’s go home.”
Home, one word can have such a profound meaning. Hopefully soon I’ll be adding one more person to that home.
On the drive over, he fills me in on everyone and what I’ve missed. We stray from talking about me and my last few weeks at the center, which I appreciate. I’ve done enough talking, and right now I just want a sense of normalcy.
“Faith has no idea you’re coming home today,” he says, surprising me.
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
“Because I didn’t want her to be disappointed if something changed.”
Meaning, if I wasn’t ready.
“Besides, I think the surprise will be better. Otherwise, the days leading up she would have been jumping out of her skin.”
I grunt in agreement.
“She’s leaving within the hour for the music class she took over for you,” he adds, sending guilt to settle over my chest.
I can only imagine what those kids think after the way I just left them without so much as an explanation. If the plan I have works, I’ll be able to make things right with them, too.
The truck slows as we pull onto the long, paved road that leads to our property. Cade parks at my place rather than the main house. The moment I open the door and climb out, music assaults me, pouring from the studio across the way.
“Leave your stuff for now and go see her,” Cade tells me, his chin lifting in the direction of the melody. “I’m going to get your sisters from Sawyer’s.”
Nodding, I start for the studio, my heart pounding like a fucking drum for some ridiculous reason. Maybe because the last time I saw Faith I was so vulnerable—weak. I hated that she saw me like that. So much like the boy she saved all those years ago.
It isn’t long before I recognize the tune as “Lean On Me.” A song that means a lot to the both of us. It was the first one we ever sang together.
Stopping in front of the open door, I find her at the piano with her head slightly down. The lyrics begin falling past her lips but they lack their usual strength, and the tear rolling down her cheek adds to the sadness radiating from her.
I remain where I am and listen to her change the world with her voice, waiting for the right moment. When she trails off on her last note, I step inside and begin my part, the lyrics pushing past my tight throat.
Faith’s head
snaps up on a gasp. A sob explodes from her as she jumps to her feet and charges for me.
I catch her with open arms, holding her close as her shoulders tremble with emotion.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” she cries, squeezing me tight. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
“Let me look at you.” I place her back on her feet and she reaches up with both hands, framing my face, her wet eyes searching mine. “I’ve been so worried about you.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t accept visitors, but I wanted to wait until I was better.”
“Are you?” she asks, both fear and hope bright in her green eyes.
I nod. “I still have a ways to go but I’m a lot better.”
“I’m proud of you, Christopher. You’ve overcome a lot and you will this, too.”
“Thanks, Faith.” There’s so much more that I want to say but the restriction in my throat prevents me from doing so.
“Kistipher!”
I turn at the high-pitched squeal and find Cade, Mia, and Ruthie standing at the door. Cade places Mia to her feet, her cowgirl boots tearing up the rug beneath them as she charges for me.
Kneeling down, I scoop her up in my arms. “Hey, kid.”
“I missed you so much!” she confesses, hugging my neck.
“I missed you, too.”
“Is your heart feeling better?”
The pang in my chest that question creates is undeniable. Swallowing hard, I give her an honest answer. “Yeah, it’s getting there.”
“Good!”
Looking over her shoulder, I find Ruthie still standing by the door, tears rolling down her cheeks. Shifting Mia in one arm, I extend my other for her.
She moves forward, her steps timid. The pain on her face causes a tightness in my chest but not as much as the sob that breaks from her as she wraps her arms around my waist.
Faith takes Mia from me so I can hold my sister. Her fingers clutch my shirt, the sound of her broken cries ripping me apart.
Hugging her close, I lean down next to her ear. “Things are going to be better now, Ruthie. I promise.”
